To put up with being spoken to like this..

[loopyloz88]

Before I start I just want to make you aware that I know I was an idiot, I know I shouldn't have messed when I didn't know what I was doing, and I know I was in the wrong and DH was fully in his right to be mad at me!

Tonight our heating and hot water stopped working. Brand new boiler only installed last year. DH had a mess around and managed to get the heating going, but the hot water tap then had no water at all, none even coming out of the tap. I made the not so bright idea to go and have a look. Yes I know I was stupid. I did something to the pressure which then made hot water spew all over like it was going to blow up, I shouted for DH who came and turned it off at the mains.
This was about 10pm. I know he had a right to be mad at me but he shouted at me loudly in the garden (there is no way the neighbours won't have heard) calling me thick and a stupid bitch, that he just wants me to fuck off. I said I was only trying and I'm sorry. He's saying I'll have to find the money to fix it, I'm so stupid he knows I won't tell anyone what I've done...
I said I know he had a right to react but its not acceptable the way he's spoken to me. It woke up DC as he continued to shout once we got in the house. He's been upstairs sulking since, so its looking like it's going to be a (chilly) night on the sofa for me!

I have confidence issues and low self esteem as does my brother. We are scared of making people angry so are utter doormats and people pleasers with no confidence from growing up with a volatile father who shouted and tantrummed like this.

I don't think it will have done either, it maybe has added more to the cost of the repair.. but it's hardly burnt the house down. I said they need to prove we've touched it, its their word against ours but he wasn't listening as by this point he had seen red. To be honest I would be fuming too if my neighbour woke my children up at 10pm by shouting abuse at their husband or wife!

Try your home insurance cover possibly

Did you tell him that he also failed to fix the problem? My husband does tend to shout and swear when even minor things go wrong and I hate it. He hasn't spoken to me like that though.
He doesn't have a right to be angry with you. He can be angry at the situation but his solution was no better. I hope you've gone to bed and told him to sleep on the sofa if he doesn't like it
Going forward it's difficult. His attitude rings alarm bells. I'm assuming a rational conversation when he's calm would be the best thing. If he doesn't listen you really should consider leaving him but much easier said than done I know.

@BashfulClam My Mum was brought up with abusive parents, her mother wasn't the kindest of people but her Dad abused both her and her mother. As a result she is exactly like you describe, but it also means I don't feel like I can open up about these things to her as she makes me feel like a terrible mother for not leaving. She says don't let him have the childhood that I did etc. He has started shouting around my parents before, and mum can't handle it at all. I honestly think she has a form of PTSD.

He might be nice now and again but until he controls himself like a fucking adult then he should not be ear his children as he will start on them. Getting screamed at, being told I was a stupid bitch forbtryingbtobsoread cold butter, having a cup of coffee flung at me (I was 19 and wanted to see my friends at new year as he was in a cunt a mood again!), being pushed into a table for apparently ‘talking back’wgen my mum asked me a question and I answered it, the constant shouting and controlling attempts. My brothers fiancée actually told my brother she wasn’t going to bring his kids near him again after an outburst that scared my niece.

Your mum recognises it like I do. Get your children away from him!

@Rosebel I'm currently on the sofa but I will go to bed and then tomorrow I'm going to take DC and go to my parents, then give him the silent treatment. If he apologises that would make it easier but I'm pretty sure he's hardly said sorry to me at all in the 9 years we've been together. He would say ''maybe I did overreact but...'' and justify why he spoke like he did. To be honest I was too taken aback by how he spoke on top of being shaken up by the boiler pissing hot water all over at me I never thought to say well your solution wasn't any better. Something like this shouldn't cause these kind of arguments I'm sure.

OP deep breath, you sound upset and there was no need to speak to you like that, it was abusive to rant ar you and in public airing your dirty laundry to the neighbor's!

I'm a tenant but if it's less than a year old is it insured? I wouldn't sweat it, let him sulk as long as he likes and when he finally realises how out of order he is, tell him calmly you will not be spoken to like that, you didn't actually destroy the boiler it wasnt working.

Sounds like he has the problem I wouldn't let him have the upper hand, or give him a taste of his own medicine, next time he makes a mistake run up and down the street calling him every name under the sun and make him sleep on the sofa.

Seriously not ok, you have my sympathy!

@Bashfulclam Good lord, I am so sorry to hear that. Yes, as soon as she's seen him react like he has done tonight she has said are you really sure you want to stay with him. Don't let your DC have the upbringing like I did. He's stricter with DC than I am but I am very soft with them for the most part. Mum's Father passed away this year and it was quite a painful, drawn out death and she described it as 'karma'.. that's what her feelings towards him were.

Leave until he apologises and tell him you will leave for good the next time as your children mean more than his moods. I would have just held a hand up and said I will not listen to you like this and walked away.

@creaturcomforts I'm not entirely sure about insurance but I'm pretty sure its under warranty? It was only fitted around a week before Christmas last year. I think his point was they'll know that I (not him, just me) messed it up so it won't be valid.
That's a good idea, next time he does something wrong I'll make sure I post in the local paper what a complete useless idiot he is! I do understand I shouldn't have been messing with something I have no idea about and he has a right to be annoyed but how he spoke was just not needed.

@BashfulClam I think I said you'll be waking up the neighbours kids stop shouting and went into the house, but then he carried on shouting in the house and woke up our kids! I think I'll go to my Mum's with DC tomorrow and wait for the apology that will never happen. I would have to go to Mum's anyway to bath DC with us having no water. I have no where else to go but Mum's but I hate telling her things like this as she remembers it and deep down I know she already thinks I should leave.
He can stay here and freeze and stink until the boiler is fixed!

I've been with dh for 35 years and in all that time, he has never thrown anything of mine and smashed it; nor does he talk to me like that. Why are you still there?

I had a Dad like your husband, and my dh has spent decades trying to put me back together. My Dad died 19 years ago, but the effects of his behaviour are still there.

Don't do this to your kids. I'm 54, my Dad died when I was 35, and yet when my brother speaks to me like my Dad did, I can feel myself revert to a child again and I loathe it.

My dad became a functioning alcoholic then died from a drawn out illness that stopped his drinking. He seemed soft with us as kids but as we got older and became our own people he became aggressive to us too. Screaming at me on the morning of my graduation that I looked like a prostitute as I was wearing red lipstick. He was angry that he couldn’t go as he was too ill. Therefore, I wasn’t allowed to enjoy my day either. He once told me he’d throw me out for something minor, my mum told him his bag would be packed first to be fair to her. She should have left him. My brother got back in his face one day after having enough, he screamed back at him which was not usual. He snapped and my dad then acted wounded!

It sounds like your DH knew he did something himself and when you've gone to adjust the pressure it's caused the issue. Do you have any boiler cover/home insurance that covers accidental damage/emergencies?

It's completely unacceptable the way he spoke to you, imo. The fact that it woke your DC up and this not being a one off is a problem.

OP, I hope this doesn’t sound too harsh, but what are you doing?!

Silent treatment for a couple of days won’t teach him a lesson. He’ll enjoy the peace and quiet then you’ll return, you’ll both rug sweep the issue and carry on until the next incident.

If my DH spoke to me like this I would be furious. He would know that I was done with the relationship and that maybe an apology might save him. He would have to be truly remorseful though.

There is no point being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t respect you. I apologise for the next statement as it feels harsh, but how can he love you if he doesn’t respect you?

There is also no point trying to teach a grown man a lesson. He’s an adult. He’s refusing to change for you. If he won’t change after a conversation then he won’t change.

You also need more self respect and I appreciate that’s something that you don’t exactly pop out and buy, but you absolutely did not deserve his reaction and I wish you knew that already without having to ask us

Prior posters have covered how wrong your DH is to allow himself to get that angry and then take it out on you with name calling and such. Leaving is a good thing for you to do as it will impress on him how seriously bad his behaviour was towards you. I wouldn’t do silent treatment though as it can be just as damaging as shouting.

No ones mentioned this yet but if your boiler is new and only a year old, it should still be under warranty. I think standard in U.K. for boilers is at least a 5 year warranty. So it should not cost you anything to have it repaired, or if needed replaced. Check your installation paperwork. There should be a number to call.

No relationship advice from me because you already know what to do, but with regard to this, and future boilers - firstly get someone in this time, its new and sounds like it should be checked. Once its OK, look under it, there will be taps or valves. Draw a map of them and work out which one increases the pressure - you've found it tonight and you'll find it again. When the pressure is low, top it up then close the valve. If you top it too much, and it sounds like you have today, bleed a downstairs radiator until the pressure goes down. ALWAYS turn off the boiler first, the water that comes out will be fast and might be hot, have towels to hand. It sounds like tonight, the pressure went too low, then the water got turned off accidently while it was being topped up. Then it got topped up too much. The boiler, unlike your feelings will most likely be OK but leave it to an expert now. Good luck.

Do you have hot water now? If so you've fixed it.

It is a good point to be honest in that he would enjoy a few days of peace and then I probably would come back and eventually forget about it.. so it wouldn't be doing anything than him thinking it was a good result as he got rid of me and DC for a few days. If it's going to be a few days at least until the boiler is fixed though I can't stay here, not so much for the heating but as I say, we can't even wash our hands with no water. I'll have a look at the paperwork it won't be far away, I believe its an 'Ideal' boiler. I don't understand why he reacted like he did, you would honestly think it was as though I did it on purpose and out of malice the way he reacted. I feel like I'm a stupid little girl who has been told off and is now being punished (as he's sulking)
@BashfulClam Good on your brother for sticking up for himself. It's funny how they act the wounded party when the worm turns isn't it! Reminds me of the Geoff from Coronation street storyline thats been shown recently.

@Jux Nope, no hot water at all. If you turn the hot tap on, nothing at all comes out. No heating either. DH had it so the heating had come on but no water coming out of the hot tap, and then whatever I did means we now have no heating or water coming out of the hot tap. I think DH just turned the boiler off at the mains after I did whatever I did to it though as it looked a bit scary spewing scalding water all over the garage! I daren't go and look at it again as I'd hate to think how he'd react if I did.. I'm leaving well alone!

My brother was sick of him harping on and just screamed back at him. As my brother is really nervy and placcid he wouldn’t normally do that. I don’t watch soaps so haven’t seen Coronation Street.

@Blufandango Thank you. I think that sounds about right. I'm sure it was working this morning then we went out all day, when we came in the house was freezing and the water wasn't getting hot. DH did something (no idea what) and got the heating working.I think he increased the pressure as it was at 0 and then bled some radiators.. but he said it was strange as there was only a couple of radiators that allowed him to bleed them and the others nothing came out of at all? He thought he had fixed it until I went to wash up and there was no water coming out of the hot tap. I then decided my new calling was as a heating engineer and went and turned a valve which sounded like it got water flowing, went inside to see if the water was on again (boiler is out in the garage) and came back outside to find water spewing out from under the boiler and out of the overflow pipe(?) at an alarming rate. I shouted for DH and that's when hell broke loose! I think it's definitely a good idea to find out what valves do what once this is eventually sorted and we find out what the cause of the problem was.

What the hell will "giving him the silent treatment" achieve though OP?

Nothing.

I would not put up with this. Not when my children were party to it. You need to leave or at the VERY least, he needs to attend counselling with you.