To put up with being spoken to like this..

[loopyloz88]

Before I start I just want to make you aware that I know I was an idiot, I know I shouldn't have messed when I didn't know what I was doing, and I know I was in the wrong and DH was fully in his right to be mad at me!

Tonight our heating and hot water stopped working. Brand new boiler only installed last year. DH had a mess around and managed to get the heating going, but the hot water tap then had no water at all, none even coming out of the tap. I made the not so bright idea to go and have a look. Yes I know I was stupid. I did something to the pressure which then made hot water spew all over like it was going to blow up, I shouted for DH who came and turned it off at the mains.
This was about 10pm. I know he had a right to be mad at me but he shouted at me loudly in the garden (there is no way the neighbours won't have heard) calling me thick and a stupid bitch, that he just wants me to fuck off. I said I was only trying and I'm sorry. He's saying I'll have to find the money to fix it, I'm so stupid he knows I won't tell anyone what I've done...
I said I know he had a right to react but its not acceptable the way he's spoken to me. It woke up DC as he continued to shout once we got in the house. He's been upstairs sulking since, so its looking like it's going to be a (chilly) night on the sofa for me!

If I’m as bad as he makes out.. why hasn’t he left me

Because abusers need someone to abuse. You let him, so he gets his abuse 'fix'. It bolsters his ego to put you down. Because if he can dominate you, then he's better than you, right? He's bigger and stronger and cleverer.

You might find that the insults he has for you are based on his own insecurities, for example when he called you stupid, it might be because he felt stupid himself, for not being able to fix the boiler. But by making you into the really stupid one, he avoids being the stupidest person in the room.

Ah, @loopyloz88 it’s such a headfuck.

Your H is maladjusted. He’s not happy and to reflect his bad self image he is seeking to provoke the same emotions in others. It’s projection - as long as he’s hurting you he does not have to deal with his own hurt.

Instead of having healthy coping mechanisms, he creates pointless, but very dangerous and damaging, dramas out of nothing to deflect from difficult emotions he experiences.

For comprehensive answers please read ‘Why Does He Do That’ by Lundy Bancroft. I bought it for my mum because she could not make sense of the mindfuckery after living with my father for three decades. Abused women spent so much time and energy figuring out the inner life of their abusers, but IME it’s very rarely worth the effort and the time. DM left my father and is so happy now. We all are.

Who the fuck cares about the damn plumbing any more? Your kids are being damaged witnessing you being abused-if it was just you being affected then that's your choice-but the stakes are way too high now-you as a mother need to get away from him

He has started shouting around my parents before, and mum can't handle it at all. I honestly think she has a form of PTSD.

No. She's just being a normal mum. If either of my daughters' partners yelled at them in front of me I wouldn't handle it either. Because NO WAY do I want them living with that. And NO WAY do I want my grandchild growing up with a father like that.

I would literally be having sleepless nights over his treatment of you, if I was your mum. And I have no reason to over-react. I don't know anyone who wouldn't be really disturbed to witness that sort of abuse of their child.

@loopyloz88

If I’m as bad as he makes out.. why hasn’t he left me?

Because you aren’t ‘bad’ at all, and he treats you like this not because there’s anything wrong with the way you act, but because he absolutely loves treating you like shit on his shoe. He’s abusive, simple as.

@Kalula

Regardless of what you've said in the past, it does not excuse his verbal abuse of you and traumatising the children. NOTHING you could have said or done, warrants him smashing things against the wall and making his own children feel afraid and unsafe. Nothing. He is a gaslighting pig. Take your children and run, it is no environment for them to grow up in.

I can't put it better. If you don't see the need to save yourself, at least save your children from him.

@loopyloz88

If I’m as bad as he makes out.. why hasn’t he left me?

It's an insult he uses as he wants you to think he is wonderful for staying with you, and feel lucky about it for good measure.

My H does it too, calls me all sorts, and expects me to be grateful he stays, and "how on earth do I put up with you, you're a nightmare" ... he can fuck off for all I care. But he won't, so I will.

Op, you've said to him not in front of the DC so you do KNOW it's abusive, just it's okay if it's abuse directed at you?

In relation to him calling me thick and a stupid bitch, that he just wants me to fuck off then you said I just think it was maybe uncalled for.

I think you are completely minimising his abusive behaviour towards you.

A marriage only works if both people can admit they are not perfect, apologise if they mess up and treat each other with kindness and respect the vast majority of the time. I don’t think that your DH is treating you with kindness at all.