To put up with being spoken to like this..

[loopyloz88]

Before I start I just want to make you aware that I know I was an idiot, I know I shouldn't have messed when I didn't know what I was doing, and I know I was in the wrong and DH was fully in his right to be mad at me!

Tonight our heating and hot water stopped working. Brand new boiler only installed last year. DH had a mess around and managed to get the heating going, but the hot water tap then had no water at all, none even coming out of the tap. I made the not so bright idea to go and have a look. Yes I know I was stupid. I did something to the pressure which then made hot water spew all over like it was going to blow up, I shouted for DH who came and turned it off at the mains.
This was about 10pm. I know he had a right to be mad at me but he shouted at me loudly in the garden (there is no way the neighbours won't have heard) calling me thick and a stupid bitch, that he just wants me to fuck off. I said I was only trying and I'm sorry. He's saying I'll have to find the money to fix it, I'm so stupid he knows I won't tell anyone what I've done...
I said I know he had a right to react but its not acceptable the way he's spoken to me. It woke up DC as he continued to shout once we got in the house. He's been upstairs sulking since, so its looking like it's going to be a (chilly) night on the sofa for me!

@Jellytottheif

You’re right you were a bit daft to mess. He should no have spoken to you like that. You acknowledge that he’s done it in anger. Have your cold night on the sofa and in the morning perhaps apologise for messing and if he’s half decent he’ll be forthcoming with an apology for his over reaction and the way he spoke to you?

People get angry. I don’t think this is relationship defining. Although he should perhaps work on his temper.

Everyone will probably tell you LTB but I think it can probably be made right with a sorry and a cuppa and cuddle.

Depends if he just lost his temper and will reflect like a normal person or if he is always an obnoxious arsehole. Only you know that.

RTFT

He's an arse, for all anyone knows, the fiddling he done the initial damage, you pressing something else just opened a block. Why is it OK for him to mess around with it but not you???

Ours used to lose pressure all the time (rented accom) you'd have to build it back up from water tank upstairs. Made weird noises etc but that is what the boiler engineer told us to do.

It will most probably still be under warranty, but the way he spoke to you is disgusting. If he doesn't apologise I would be seriously considering the rest of the relationship seeings you have said this isn't a one off stress related outburst.

Ok no you don't deserve to be shouted at but you probably made the boiler worse and playing with the pressure can make the boiler explode and risk of death

Sorry this is inaccurate, modern boilers have pressure cut off valves, if the pressure is high the worst it will do is cut off/leak out the condensate pipe.

However having low water pressure with no water going into the boiler cause cause the boiler explode, what your dh did was reckless and dangerous, not only to yourselves but your neighbours also.

I hope you managed to get some sleep last night. Before you go to your mums very calmly tell him again how unacceptable his behaviour was, I think you’re right, no apology will be forthcoming, if he shouts again just stay calm, I won’t be spoken to like that, then go to your mums and have a lovely warm bath.

You may have to accept that your mum is right about him, but you need to come to that decision in your own time. 💐

Does your husband work? And does he manage to control his temper and his childish sulking there? If so he can grow up and do it around you and your children.

[quote loopyloz88]@Feelingconfused2020 I'm sorry to hear that. It's shit isn't it. In every other way he's lovely, he's generous, apart from shouting at me in front of them which I hate he's good with DC, he does no housework at all but he does cook, he works hard.. but then he just has this temper. It's like he see's red and there is no.. reasoning?
I felt like a little girl being told off is the only way to describe it. My own Dad wouldn't have shouted at me like that in the back garden for all to hear though to be honest. Yes both DC heard, it woke them up and they started shouting for me.[/quote]
He's not lovely!

He's abusive!

We’ve been together nearly 10 years and I’ve never been shouted at or called names in temper ever . He needs to learn to control his temper and tongue, sure everyone gets annoyed or angry but responding like that is not on

Please act for your children’s sake. He either changes and seeks help for anger or you need to leave him. It’s not a one off and he won’t stop as you put up with it.

I say this as someone who grew up in a shouty ( both parents) argumentative environment. Anxiousness when raised voices were heard, trying to mediate as a child. It has emotionally scarred me and I’m very wary of confrontation. Please think how this affects your children in the long run.

[quote loopyloz88]@BashfulClam My Mum was brought up with abusive parents, her mother wasn't the kindest of people but her Dad abused both her and her mother. As a result she is exactly like you describe, but it also means I don't feel like I can open up about these things to her as she makes me feel like a terrible mother for not leaving. She says don't let him have the childhood that I did etc. He has started shouting around my parents before, and mum can't handle it at all. I honestly think she has a form of PTSD.[/quote]
Maybe she has. But she also doesn't want her daughter and DGC living the life she led.

Listen to her. She knows what she's talking about.

OP you need to talk to someone about this. Go to your mum for now, then have a think about what you'll do now. Because the way you are living is not normal. Being shouted and sworn at is not normal. He sounds like he wallows in his temper tantrums. He allows his temper to rip. He is not sorry or ashamed of himself afterwards, which still wouldn't make it ok, but would at least be a start.
Being able to answer him back occasionally does not mean you are standing up for yourself, it's only giving you that illusion. Get out, talk to someone (without him) and please, please, think about not going back. For the sake of your children, who are being traumatised by this.

In answer to your question, no, my old man doesn't ever speak to me like that. He knows not to but it isn't in his nature anyway.

I would leave any man that spoke to me like that.

He messed with it. You messed with it. You messing with it seemed to have a more dramatic effect is all but that was just happenstance.

It's just a feckin boiler. It doesn't give him a free pass to abuse you. I would leave him OP. He sounds like a total jerk.

It sounds like he’s humiliated and angry at himself for not being able to fix the boiler and possibly making it worse, so is now projecting all his shame onto you so that he doesn’t feel any responsibility - very manipulative, abusive and vile! He needs an anger management course at the very least...

On a practical note I think what you have done is turn the valve to adjust the pressure in the boiler, too far and it will leak water. Doesn't feel like a big deal, my plumber taught me how to try this rather than call him every time when it stopped working. Anyway, hopefully it's as simple as that and that shouldn't have made it worse.

But even if it isn't that simple he shouldn't speak to you like that

It's not "not in front of the kids" it's not at all. He doesn't get to treat you like shit on the bottom of his shoe in private either.

You dont know it's what you did that fucked it, what you did may well have worked if he hadn't upped the pressure, you both should have left well alone and you both broke it more than it was already broken.
Dont go looking for the paperwork, doing all the admin for him. Go to your mums, tell him you'll come back when he apologises, agrees to treat you like a person and has had the boiler fixed. Set him a time limit and if he doesn't do those three things within a week you'll send him divorce papers.
You're teaching your kids that men can scream and shout at women and its acceptable.

[quote loopyloz88]@Feelingconfused2020 Oh my, that's really sad. How old is she? I know just after christmas DH threw my make up bag in a temper and it hit a wall and smashed it all, out of shock I just started crying. DS1 was in the room (he's 3) and it took weeks for him to stop repeating ''Daddy smashed mummy's make up, made mummy cry'' My Mum was mortified when he repeated it to her, as was I. I've told him so many times, not in front of DC.[/quote]
This is when you should of left as your child gets older he will tell school and then they’ll report to SS and then what?

I did 25 years with an arsehole just like your DH, it won't get better I can assure you. I left when he tried to strangle me one night as I hadn't complimented him enough that day. Forget the bloody boiler, get yourself and your kids away from him before he causes you irrepairable damage.

At 01.00 this morning you said “in other ways he is lovely , generous .”
I have read all your comments and cannot see anything to suggest he is lovely !

This doesn't sound healthy. He has a right to be angry at you, you say, but what rights do you thing you have? You know it's not right, really. Your inner voice is telling you so. If you really thought you should be putting up with this, you wouldn't be posting on a forum. It's a sign you need validation, and that's because he invalidates everything you say.

Try to listen to your inner voice. What would you say to him, if you could say anything you liked without consequence? That's the real you talking. Would you be angry with him? Would you be crying and asking him why he speaks to you this way? Would you be walking away for good?

Once you start listening to the voice inside, turn it up, rather than down. Yes, he has a right to be angry, but he doesn't have the right to speak to you like that. You have a right to your emotions too, and the right to express them within your relationship, without having to resort to a forum because you can't talk to him about how you feel.

Your husband is a nasty bully. Ideally you would get rid of him but in the interim stop apologizing to him and be clear that his behaviour is abuse.

I hope you're OK today. What your husband said was completely unacceptable and downright abusive! Fair enough to react to the stress of the moment ('what the fuck happened?' Or 'why did you do that?') but calling you those names and what he said was verbally abusive. The fact you know he won't apologise and his past behavior makes him sound like a horrible cunt who either needs some anger management or to get out. Don't underestimate the seriousness of non physical abuse - neither you or your children should have to put up with that.

I don't understand how you can say he's "lovely in every other way"? He isn't?! you're minimizing and your DC won't thank you for it when they grow up. He has a fundamental lack of respect for you and you know what that teaches your DC? It's fine to have a fundamental lack of respect for mum. It's really that simple. Why does he do no housework?

I grew up with a father like this with a volatile temper. I remember him throwing a dinner plate into the sink with rage and smashing it - I imagine the makeup bag incident will be one of your three year olds first memories My mum also would say he's lovely "except when"... she stuck with him and it gradually got worse over the years until we begged her to divorce him when we were teens. She did eventually, however the damage was already done really. It's affected all of us to varying degrees. We're all no contact with our father and my younger sister's relationship with my mum has never recovered as she blames her for putting up with it.

He's not a great dad if he shouts, swears and smashes things up in front of his very young DC and never ever apologizes to you or them - that's the very opposite of a good dad. You're a fool to put up with this.

Op tell your husband to stop speaking to you like that.
I feel so sorry for you and your neighbours.If you are not careful one day someone will report you to social services. I would hate to live next to your husband.
It us never acceptable to use mysoginistic language like he used.
I agree with the poster up thread, does he speak to his boss and colleagues in this way? Calling them stupid bitches.
I have no idea how to resolve this. I don’t know if he can change. If you stay in this relationship your children will learn this behaviour. Do you want your son to think screaming and shouting at his wife is acceptable?

It's okay to be angry about things.

It's not okay to unleash it like that.

It could have been him that fucked it up in the first place.

I've just re-read your OP. You start by setting us a baseline of knowledge: That you've been an idiot.

Why is this how you start your story? Why is it necessary for us to know how stupid you've been in order to understand the gist of what you're saying?

I would tend to think that you had a tinker and some water squirted out, which could happen to anybody. We've all done stuff like that. Very clever people sometimes look down the end of a hosepipe to see why the water isn't coming out, or stand on the end of a rake. But not everybody judges themselves so negatively as a result.

This negative self image is the reason you've put up with him so far. He judges you poorly, and you believe him.

I don't think you're stupid, OP, and I don't even think you did a stupid or idiotic thing. You tried to fix it - it didn't work, and you had a spillage. That's not something to judge yourself on.

I couldnt figure out how to re -pressurise our boiler - so I googled & found a you tube (idiot) guide.
I don't think your husband knew what he was doing & unless he turned the boiler off & left the mains cold water on he screwed up too

I felt like I had to comment on this. Not because of the boiler but because of what you are living with. I get that he’s fine most of the time, but please understand as a now 30 yr old woman having lived until I was 18 under the roof of my father... it only gets worse.

The shouting, the name calling, the slamming doors, the waking of children, the over-reacting and throwing of your items. It just gets worse OP. Please believe me.

I spent so many nights growing up being woken up in sheer terror from shouting. Hearing banging and having my shaking mum getting into bed with me and cuddling me tight as we heard him coming up the stairs. She didn’t want me to not have a father and stayed with him even when he was throwing things round the room and tipping over furniture. The damage that man has caused to us both mentally over all those years... I wish she had left sooner.

But my point is that in my mum’s eyes, he wasn’t always like this... it developed and got worse over time. Please don’t live like this. As a child it is one of the worst things to endure 💕