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AIBU?

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Original poster

To put up with being spoken to like this..

259 replies

loopyloz88 · 11/10/2020 00:38

Before I start I just want to make you aware that I know I was an idiot, I know I shouldn't have messed when I didn't know what I was doing, and I know I was in the wrong and DH was fully in his right to be mad at me!

Tonight our heating and hot water stopped working. Brand new boiler only installed last year. DH had a mess around and managed to get the heating going, but the hot water tap then had no water at all, none even coming out of the tap. I made the not so bright idea to go and have a look. Yes I know I was stupid. I did something to the pressure which then made hot water spew all over like it was going to blow up, I shouted for DH who came and turned it off at the mains.
This was about 10pm. I know he had a right to be mad at me but he shouted at me loudly in the garden (there is no way the neighbours won't have heard) calling me thick and a stupid bitch, that he just wants me to fuck off. I said I was only trying and I'm sorry. He's saying I'll have to find the money to fix it, I'm so stupid he knows I won't tell anyone what I've done...
I said I know he had a right to react but its not acceptable the way he's spoken to me. It woke up DC as he continued to shout once we got in the house. He's been upstairs sulking since, so its looking like it's going to be a (chilly) night on the sofa for me!

OP posts:
Hamm87 · 11/10/2020 01:53

Ok no you don't deserve to be shouted at but you probably made the boiler worse and playing with the pressure can make the boiler explode and risk of death

Original poster
loopyloz88 · 11/10/2020 01:55

@thegcatsmother I'm sorry to hear that. I honestly think that's what happens to my Mum and when she hears DH speak to me like he does it takes her back to her childhood.
He threw my make up bag in a temper and it hit the wall, smashing most of the items inside it, glass etc. I know I'm not perfect and I can be testing but he just has such a temper.

OP posts:
BashfulClam · 11/10/2020 01:56

I remember once the phone bill was really high and he started shouting it was mine to pay as I ‘must have been calling all my boyfriends!’. I said it wasn’t and I don’t have boyfriends, He screamed ‘don’t you ever speak back to me like that. I’m going to add up every fucking penny on here that is yours and it better be fucking paid tonight lady or you’ll wish you had no idea what a phone is!’ He was shaking the bill in my face.The bill was itemised and I highlighted my calls which were off peak and gave him the £3 odds mine came to and pointed out my mums daily call to the This Morning competition line..I think it is a couple of quid a time.

toiletpaper · 11/10/2020 01:57

@BashfulClam

I have confidence issues and low self esteem as does my brother. We are scared of making people angry so are utter doormats and people pleasers with no confidence from growing up with a volatile father who shouted and tantrummed like this.
I could have written this. My dad had an awful temper growing up (still does but I don't see him a huge amount now) and people being angry around me makes me terrified. I remember once saying to my ex not to get angry when doing stuff like working on the car as it would bring it all back and make me on edge.
Original poster
loopyloz88 · 11/10/2020 01:58

@Hamm87 Ok that's pretty serious Blush lesson learnt, I am not touching a boiler again! I probably have made it worse and done more damage than good but I didn't do it intentionally. If I'd have known I obviously wouldn't have touched it.

OP posts:
BashfulClam · 11/10/2020 02:02

@toiletpapertgayscehy I’m a people pleaser as I’m afraid of people getting angry at me. When DH shouted I walked out as he knew I can’t deal with it. I just said ‘I don’t need this!’ He realised it solves nothing with me.I once had a colleague shouting aggressively at me in front of others simply for asking for an update on an account. I cried for hours I was so upset.

Original poster
loopyloz88 · 11/10/2020 02:06

@FortunesFave No, you're right. It was just the easiest way I could think of to try to make him think, I've really upset her this time. But really all he would probably think is he would be able to enjoy a few days to himself to watch his football in peace and then I'll come back like I always do.
I might suggest counselling. Might make him learn ways to deal with how to react and might make me look at myself a bit. I assume couple counselling will be quite expensive though won't it?

@BashfulClam What a bastard. It sounds like he started to get really jealous once you started to grown up and he thought you had boyfriends etc. What did he say when he realised it was from your Mum calling This Morning?

@toiletpaper My Mum is the same. I can hold my own and argue back but Mum just cannot stand it. Even if its just a slight disagreement that other people would see as nothing, it really reverts her back and she can't deal with it.

OP posts:
AToBiba · 11/10/2020 02:06

He was angry that he'd fucked up the water, and you were his punching bag.

Your marriage sounds very dysfunctional. For the sake of your kids, try and work out how to fix it or end it.

Anordinarymum · 11/10/2020 02:10

OP

If this were me and my bloke and we had been messing about with the boiler (which we have done) and something went wrong at my end he would probably shout at me, but he would not be abusive. It just would not happen, and if he did there would be hell on.
It's up to you to decide really if this is how you want to live

BashfulClam · 11/10/2020 02:13

@loopyloz88 nothing was said as he was never wrong of course. I gave him the £3 put of principle. He used to go on about boyfriends constantly. I was an ugly teenager with train track braces, skinny with no boobs, massive glasses and terrible hair. I didn’t get a boyfriend till I was 20 and got myself some decent clothes and make up etc. He had a real bee in his bonnet that any male I even said hello to in the street because I knew them must be a boyfriend of mine.

Original poster
loopyloz88 · 11/10/2020 02:18

@Anordinarymum I couldn't give him hell on tonight as the kids had already been woken up and I thought I can't continue it as it's just going to upset them further. The thing is where does shouting turn to abuse, when it involves name calling? As I said I knew he was well in his rights to be pissed off and maybe shout ''For fucks sake Laura, what have you done'' but it was the continued shouting and the being called thick and a stupid bitch etc that I just think it was maybe uncalled for.

OP posts:
1forAll74 · 11/10/2020 02:19

Yes best not to mess with boiler stuff. I have a habit of trying to fix things on my own as I live alone, and do all diy stuff,, but boilers not.

Its quite the norm for Husbands/partners to get very annoyed with issues like this, as it's usually costly to fix, and they think women should know better than to mess with things.

The shouting and swearing isn't nice, but just the way some people deal with things. When I was married, my Husband never swore or raised his voice when I did idiot and failed diy jobs, he just tended to tell his friends about his loopy wife, to give everyone a laugh, which was no problem for me. as I did all the diy at home, and some of my jobs were perfect and lovely !

amusedtodeath1 · 11/10/2020 02:23

The pressure was at maximum? That's not right, in fact it sounds down right dangerous. I'm not a plumber but our boiler never gets to maximum pressure. You may have done the right thing, but even if not it was already fucked and maybe even dangerous.

Even if you completely wrecked it the way he spoke to you was unacceptable. If he's mad he needs to do what everyone else does and walk away to calm down not hurl abuse at you OP.Flowers

Leaannb · 11/10/2020 02:26

My husband would have just called the plumber

Leaannb · 11/10/2020 02:27

@1forAll74

Yes best not to mess with boiler stuff. I have a habit of trying to fix things on my own as I live alone, and do all diy stuff,, but boilers not.

Its quite the norm for Husbands/partners to get very annoyed with issues like this, as it's usually costly to fix, and they think women should know better than to mess with things.

The shouting and swearing isn't nice, but just the way some people deal with things. When I was married, my Husband never swore or raised his voice when I did idiot and failed diy jobs, he just tended to tell his friends about his loopy wife, to give everyone a laugh, which was no problem for me. as I did all the diy at home, and some of my jobs were perfect and lovely !

Misogyny is not just for men, eh
UnRavellingFast · 11/10/2020 02:31

I’ve been there OP. Your post is how I used to shape things in my mind when I was under the thumb. That’s what I was and that’s what you are. It’s a kind of mind control that you get used to it and live with it. My dcs have serious issues bc of ex’s appalling shouting, verbal abuse, throwing and breaking things. If I could change anything, it would have been to leave years earlier than I did. I know how hard that is. But I did it and I hope you do too, for your sake and the dcs’. Good luck and sending you strength. There is no excuse for his behaviour.

UnRavellingFast · 11/10/2020 02:33

[quote loopyloz88]@Anordinarymum I couldn't give him hell on tonight as the kids had already been woken up and I thought I can't continue it as it's just going to upset them further. The thing is where does shouting turn to abuse, when it involves name calling? As I said I knew he was well in his rights to be pissed off and maybe shout ''For fucks sake Laura, what have you done'' but it was the continued shouting and the being called thick and a stupid bitch etc that I just think it was maybe uncalled for.[/quote]
This is already abuse. Make no mistake.

just5morepeas · 11/10/2020 02:47

Leave him for good. Don't make your children live through this. Please listen to your mum.

RowanAlong · 11/10/2020 02:58

Please think of your children - this is not normal or excusable behaviour or how functional relationships work. His temper is already affecting them. Get out while they’re still young and make a better, less anxious life for them!

Happytobeme123 · 11/10/2020 03:00

He's vile. Your mum is right, you should listen to her.

FuckYouCorona · 11/10/2020 03:11

Neither of you should have touched the boiler, especially as its under warranty. Thats beside the point. Your H is a complete cock & a nasty abusive one at that. Please LTB. I am also a product of an abusive family & this type of life never leaves you. Do something my mother never did & put your kids first!

Notapheasantplucker · 11/10/2020 03:26

He sounds fucking vile and abusive. Op why the hell do you want to stay with him?
If I broke the boiler my DP would probably roll his eyes, laugh and be on the phone to get it fixed, the end.

Poulter · 11/10/2020 04:01

Please don't put up with this OP. It's abusive and really damaging to you and the DCs. I wouldn't go to couples counselling, I'd have some individual counselling for you to work out why you've been attracted to this man and why you've put up with this kind of behaviour and how to deal with him. You may have to leave him if he won't change.

The silent treatment isn't an answer. You need to be able to be assertive back to him. He needs to be able to deal with conflict and negative emotions like an adult. Which means expressing how he feels in a controlled way rather than taking out his frustrations by screaming and name-calling.

BusterGonad · 11/10/2020 04:21

I'm confused as to why either of you would have messed around with a brand new boiler and even more confused as to what you actually see in this man. He sounds like an abusive bully and a terrible father. How dare he treat their mother like he does.

HeronLanyon · 11/10/2020 04:35

Sorry op - your dh seems to have an anger/lashing out problem. As a one off my thought was ‘well he was stressed out and then you did make it worse’ - my dp and I occasionally (rarely) lose it with one another when under sudden unexpected pressure but it’s definitely not a pattern of behaviour by either of us, always kind of understandable and always apologise.
Your further posts are worrying though and to wake D.C. with his behaviour just adds to how wrong he was/is. Good luck sorting this out. No way he should be treating you like this.

Btw - I’ve been without hot water before and had successful shallow baths - took around 15- 20 kettles and half an hour but got there in the end. Likewise dishes and hand washing - kettle cooked with cold does fine for the short term. Good luck with boiler.

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