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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To put up with being spoken to like this..

259 replies

loopyloz88 · 11/10/2020 00:38

Before I start I just want to make you aware that I know I was an idiot, I know I shouldn't have messed when I didn't know what I was doing, and I know I was in the wrong and DH was fully in his right to be mad at me!

Tonight our heating and hot water stopped working. Brand new boiler only installed last year. DH had a mess around and managed to get the heating going, but the hot water tap then had no water at all, none even coming out of the tap. I made the not so bright idea to go and have a look. Yes I know I was stupid. I did something to the pressure which then made hot water spew all over like it was going to blow up, I shouted for DH who came and turned it off at the mains.
This was about 10pm. I know he had a right to be mad at me but he shouted at me loudly in the garden (there is no way the neighbours won't have heard) calling me thick and a stupid bitch, that he just wants me to fuck off. I said I was only trying and I'm sorry. He's saying I'll have to find the money to fix it, I'm so stupid he knows I won't tell anyone what I've done...
I said I know he had a right to react but its not acceptable the way he's spoken to me. It woke up DC as he continued to shout once we got in the house. He's been upstairs sulking since, so its looking like it's going to be a (chilly) night on the sofa for me!

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 11/10/2020 14:37

www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

GilbertMarkham · 11/10/2020 14:38

In the "myths about abuse" section, your partner is definitely falling under "the pressure cooker theory of men" among other things.

GabriellaMontez · 11/10/2020 14:47

He sounds like an absolute cunt.

Who speaks to their partner like that? A prize twat.

Such a none event too. Broken boiler. Spraying water. Just fairly routine, minor disaster... theres always something isnt there.

I couldn't be arsed. Lifes too short. Dont bother arguing just leave him.

I doubt you've ever said anything to him to 'deserve ' that behaviour. But if you have...leave anyway. It all sounds miserable.

Nikori · 11/10/2020 14:47

His anger is not your fault. Abusive men always blame their partners.

billy1966 · 11/10/2020 14:58

What an absolute horror of an abusive prick.

You poor woman.
Your poor children witnessing this.

Know this, whatever else you do for them, however hard you try to be a good mother, their childhood will be all about the abusive father.

If I was your neighbour I would be very concerned about you and your children.

Please get support IRL.

billy1966 · 11/10/2020 15:01

Oh an OP, nearly 30 years married here and I have done a few really stupid things, way worse than what you did...and never in a million years would my husband ever dream of uttering such vile language at me.

He is a horribly abusive man.
Make no mistake about that.
Flowers

KatharinaRosalie · 11/10/2020 15:05

I've told him so many times, not in front of DC.

"please abuse me in private' is not something that should be said in a healthy marriage

Kalula · 11/10/2020 15:15

He is a verbally abusive and emotionally abusive pig. It is now affecting your children. The thing is, are you going to DO something about it? My DH would have spoken to me like that only once, and I would have left and gone somewhere overnight and made sure he knew he changes or he'll get divorce papers. The problem is, you've accepted his behaviour. What you overlook is that your children are being traumatised by this. This is emotional and verbal abuse, and SS would be in their right to visit if your DC made mention of this at school.

He has no respect for you. He is verbally abusive, he calls you names, he blames YOU for his behaviour, and refuses to apologise (deal breaker for me, without all the rest added in), and he smashes things in anger. You need to know this: that that is DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. Yes, it is. You (and your children) are a victim of Domestic Violence. DV is emotional and verbal abuse, it is not merely just 'hitting'. Smashing your things (I bet he never smashes his) against the wall to scare you is Domestic Violence. Look it up, it qualifies as Domestic Violence.

So, you either seek counselling/he seeks counselling and he commits to change, or you walk, and don't look back. My concern is that your children are being exposed to this and are in this environment. If my father or husband saw they made their child cry from being scared because of him smashing things, he would be heartbroken at seeing his child scared of him. The fact that not even the cries and fear of his own child moves him and 'snaps him out of it' shows he is devoid of all base level human emotion and feeling. He is not a good father if he exposes his children to that, and wasn't mortified at how his own actions made his son feel. He is a narcissistic abuser, and you really need to make a stand, for once and for all. Will you allow yourself and most importantly your children to endure this Domestic Violence and temperamental home life?

Kalula · 11/10/2020 15:20

Regardless of what you've said in the past, it does not excuse his verbal abuse of you and traumatising the children. NOTHING you could have said or done, warrants him smashing things against the wall and making his own children feel afraid and unsafe. Nothing. He is a gaslighting pig. Take your children and run, it is no environment for them to grow up in.

Wearywithteens · 11/10/2020 15:35

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Silentplikebath · 11/10/2020 15:47

Would your mum help you to leave this scumbag? Don’t let your children grow up with an abusive father.

pickingdaisies · 11/10/2020 16:54

Hope you have a lovely time with your friend, and tell them what's going on. Get some real life support.

combatbarbie · 11/10/2020 17:27

Oh you've dented his ego... A valve that he closed.... And you went against him by calling the guy that fitted it, and now with this guys help, you have fixed it. You won't get an apology.... You weren't a damsel in distress that cannot do anything remotely masculine.

I said earlier that I suspected he had broken it and what you then done was probably to do with pressure.

LannieDuck · 11/10/2020 17:53

DH had moved a valve of some kind that needed opening.

So after all his shouting and name calling... he broke the boiler? Has he even acknowledged that?

Eckhart · 11/10/2020 19:29

Even if you'd been the worst partner in the world, and abusive and angry and sharp tongued and vicious and even violent, the appropriate response from him would not be to insult you. An adult who is regularly being treated badly should leave the relationship.

msflibble · 12/10/2020 08:15

Hey OP, if you come back;
I didn't want to say it before because I didn't want to seem smug or whatever but I read your posts again and saw that you were wondering what others' DHs were like... Mine would NEVER call me a thick bitch, ever. We have had some blazing rows in the past, we have both said hurtful things, but there are some lines of respect that cannot be crossed in how we talk to each other. Plus he would never say those things where the kids could hear it. Not ever. When either of us speaks to each other in a way that is disrespectful we rightfully apologise. That is the least your DH could do, and no, his line about "if they could see my side" is bullshit. Nobody should talk to their partner that way.

I know how it is to be in a relationship where your treatment gets progressively worse and you start to think it might just be normal, but his behaviour is not normal. Especially given that the boiler is now totally ok! What a hysterical little tantrum he threw, after it was his fault it was screwed in the first place.
I don't think you should put up with this arsehole. I know it's easy for me to say. But really, he sounds like an absolute steaming dog turd.

NameChange2PostThis · 12/10/2020 09:01

@loopyloz88

Sorry he says if THEY (people on mumsnet and my friend) knew his side THEY would give different answers, no he. Sorry I’m so tired today.
He shouts at you. He swears at you. He breaks your belongings. He sulks. Then he tells you that you made him do it. Then he tells you that you are as bad as him because sometimes you don’t just passively take it.

Hand on heart @loopyloz88 if that’s his side, I promise you, I still think he’s 100% in the wrong. He is an abuser.

I’m sorry but I’m not sure it’s fixable because he is in denial about his behaviour. His behaviour is abusive but he is framing it as normal because in his head you deserve it. Your relationship is broken. If he can’t recognise that his behaviour is unacceptable I am worried it will escalate.

Even continuing to live like this is going to be hard on the DC. And what about when he starts doing it to them? And what about when they (learning from lovely Daddy) start doing the same to you and people around them? Please get some help for yourself. And save your DC.

Original poster
loopyloz88 · 12/10/2020 17:43

Hi again everyone. Still no apology and when I said but I’ve fixed it he said “no you didn’t, your dad did” as dad had called round when I was messaging the plumber so I told dad which switch to pull and was to scared to touch it myself ever again! So on the technicality of that, I’ve not had a sorry or a thank you.
He’s trying to act completely normal as though it never happened.
I’ve just got to accept I have 2 options, I stay and this is my life, or I go Sad

OP posts:
TheGoodEnoughWife · 12/10/2020 17:57

He doesn't love you.
He doesn't respect you.
TBH it sounds like he doesn't even like you very much.

I couldn't live like that and I would go.

Original poster
loopyloz88 · 12/10/2020 18:25

If I’m as bad as he makes out.. why hasn’t he left me?

OP posts:
TheGoodEnoughWife · 12/10/2020 18:43

You are not bad. It doesn't work like that.

He hasn't left because actually you are great, his disrespect of you has nothing to do with you if you see what I mean.

And actually he has you to be his verbal punching bag and you just carry on thinking you are bad. Win win for him.

Unfortunately some people will treat you badly just because you let them.

I am sorry but he isn't very nice and this situation is bad for you and bad for your children.

Bearnecessity · 12/10/2020 18:57

This thread lacks context...my mother and father swore at each other like this on occasion and laughed about it afterwards. They were married 50+ years adored each other and their four kids none of whom were damaged being around this type of behaviour. Things get said in anger....he should apologise mind...

Bearnecessity · 12/10/2020 19:16

Apologies....I have read more of the thread and it doesn't sound great OP.

Intelinside57 · 12/10/2020 19:22

Unfortunately it's not just about if you stay this is your life, it's your childrens' lives as well.

EarringsandLipstick · 12/10/2020 21:37

@loopyloz88

If I’m as bad as he makes out.. why hasn’t he left me?
Don't bother trying to figure this one out.

My counsellor helped me to see that my abusive H actually got something out of how he treated & mistreated me.

It doesn't necessarily make sense in a logical way. It's some deep-seated inadequacy & maladjustment on his part.

Please please consider leaving or even allowing yourself the prospect of imagining it. 💐