Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 11 12

Original poster

... to ask my sister to stop seeing our parents?

287 replies

PluralPatty · 10/10/2020 19:14

I’m ready to get flamed for this but I genuinely don’t know what to do. Namechanged as my other posts are too outing.

DSis is in her fifties, good health, works full time in a school, goes to the gym and eats and drinks out regularly. Visits the supermarket daily, salons, takes public transport for leisure purposes, has travelled about the country and generally carries on as pre-Covid, says she’s not really at risk, which is true. Her DH same and she has 4 DCs of varying ages between 15 and 24 who, as most younger people, are also doing stuff socially as well as being at work/school. All good, no problem with this at all.

However, she goes round to our parents’ place several times a week, maybe more. They’re both in their 80s, dad is frail after a series of strokes but considering everything, they do ok. DSis takes them groceries and other things, sometimes takes them out to cafes or the cinema etc, the usual stuff, only we’re not in usual times, are we?

My problem here is that I think she is unnecessarily exposing our parents to Covid and I think she should stop seeing them, or at least cut down a lot. There are 4 of us siblings and one lives abroad and has not been able to visit since Covid but of those who live locally, we all pull our weight equally with the parents. I’m lucky enough to be able to work from home and have decided not to return to the gym and haven’t been socialsing really, DB the same. We are both much better placed to be making sure our parents have everything they need, yet DSis cannot seem to see this and clearly cannot see the risk to our parents here.

Cases are growing round here and I am seriously worried about DSis passing on Covid to my frail parents. AIBU?

OP posts:

WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo · 10/10/2020 19:17

If I'd got to their ages I'd rather my final months were spent spending time with my DD and going out to have fun than sitting at home waiting for death to happen.

YABU. Leave them be.

mummyoneboy19 · 10/10/2020 19:17

I think you need to allow your parents to make this decision.

Whilst I understand your concern, you also need to be aware that your parents may be encouraging her to visit, enjoying her visits and their trips out etc with her.

For a lot of people their quality of life is more important than the quantity, and if they feel their life would be worse for not seeing your sister and enjoying her company they may be willing to take the risk with Covid.

CakeGirl2020 · 10/10/2020 19:18

You would be so unreasonable. They aren’t only your parents.

Why shouldn’t your sister take them out to cafe? Should your parents spend there ageing life inside locked away with no joy?

If I was in my 80’s I’d be seeing my children and going out if I wanted too, at 80 you’d want to live and enjoy the life you had left.

Floralnomad · 10/10/2020 19:19

@WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo

If I'd got to their ages I'd rather my final months were spent spending time with my DD and going out to have fun than sitting at home waiting for death to happen.

YABU. Leave them be.

I agree with this

MsKeats · 10/10/2020 19:20

It's their choice. I doubt the cinema is even open -my parents spent 6 months inside -as it I -it was like waiting to die. I will never get over it mentally. They don't give a stuff now and I don't blame them. They are careful and mask up but they won't do it any more. I work in a massive place coming into contact with hundreds - I wear PPE -but I will bloody well see my parents -socially distanced but yes, I'm not doing another 6 months without them.

Florencex · 10/10/2020 19:21

YABVVVU.

How lucky are your parents to have children that spend time with them. Your parents can make their own risk assessment and are not y9ur property. Your sister is not breaking any rules. Good on her.

Original poster

PluralPatty · 10/10/2020 19:21

I can see all points of view and I certainly don’t want to tell them what to do. I just don’t want my parents to die prematurely.

OP posts:

NailsNeedDoing · 10/10/2020 19:21

It’s your parents choice, not yours. What’s their opinion?

Original poster

PluralPatty · 10/10/2020 19:23

@NailsNeedDoing

It’s your parents choice, not yours. What’s their opinion?

I don’t think they’re fully aware of what my sister does in terms of socialising etc. They assume everyone is leading a quiet life right now.

OP posts:

FourPlasticRings · 10/10/2020 19:25

YABU. They're your parents, not your children. It's not your decision to make- it's theirs. And, as PP have said, at 80 what's really more important? Quality of life or quantity of it? Most people would say the former- no use being alive if you're not living.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 10/10/2020 19:26

What do your parents think?

It's true she may pass covid onto them. They may prefer to enjoy seeing her and going out and take that risk. Quality of life may be worth the extra risk in their opinion. Were I in my 80s and frail, I would think seeing my family and going out worth the risk of getting sick and dying earlier. If they stay at home more isolated for months, they will probably lose skills and deteriorate mentally and physically by the time there is a vaccine, I can certainly understand wanting to enjoy the health they have now.

Saying that, if you are in local lockdown, I think she should follow whatever the rules are from a public health/ not overwhelming medical services perspective.

And if your parents are unable to make an informed decision themselves that is more difficult. What do you think they would choose?

DeliciouslyFemale · 10/10/2020 19:26

What parent is going to tell their daughter that they’re afraid she might infect them and cause them harm? Maybe the parents are afraid of upsetting their daughter and keeping their concerns to themselves.

Let’s face it, unless there’s proof to say otherwise, your sister will get the blame if they take sick. The fallout will last a lifetime, but the problem is, OP, if she doesn’t listen to the experts, she’s not going to listen to you. The only thing I would suggest, since the rates are raising in your area, that you have a family agreement, that until rates drop, you ensures that you all socially distance from your parents, leave the window open if you’re going into the house when any if you visit and unless your parents can’t hear, wear masks. This might help a little, if anyone visiting had it, but not single her out.

Laughingcrow · 10/10/2020 19:26

Sorry op at that age I would be doing everything I can whilst I had the time and health to do it. They have already had a stroke etc so it could happen again regardless of covid and I would rather enjoy myself as much as I can rather then effectively sitting at home waiting to die! Because to be honest at that age there are lots of things that could happen. And being depressed at home and isolated is not going to do anything for their health. Let them enjoy themselves!

mbosnz · 10/10/2020 19:27

Well, I think you could perhaps enlighten your parents as to how much socialising your sister is doing, and then they can make their informed decision being of sound mind, and full capacity, as to what they think is in their best interests.

But you might come across as a bit of a snitch in so doing, depending on your relationship with your sister, and your parents.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/10/2020 19:29

I just don’t want my parents to die prematurely.

Sorry to be harsh, but your parent's have already lived past the average life expectancy, so they won't be dying prematurely. I would let them enjoy the relatively short time them have left.

PinkiOcelot · 10/10/2020 19:30

I think your parents would probably rather see and spend time with their family rather than sit home seeing no one. I know I would.

Original poster

PluralPatty · 10/10/2020 19:31

We all, including DSis, followed the rules when we were in full lockdown. If we go back to no mixing of households then I’m sure she will abide by it.

Thanks for your responses, everyone. I appreciate they’re my parents and not my kids. It won’t stop me from worrying about them but I won’t say anything.

OP posts:

katy1213 · 10/10/2020 19:31

Your sister sounds lovely. Your parents are living their lives as they choose and good luck to them. Perhaps they don't want to drag on in loneliness and live to be 90?

user1471457751 · 10/10/2020 19:32

Have your parents said they think your sister is hardly going out or are you just assuming this because it suits you?

goldrabbit22 · 10/10/2020 19:33

YABVVVU.How lucky are your parents to have children that spend time with them. Your parents can make their own risk assessment and are not y9ur property. Your sister is not breaking any rules. Good on her.

This

VinylDetective · 10/10/2020 19:35

@PluralPatty

I can see all points of view and I certainly don’t want to tell them what to do. I just don’t want my parents to die prematurely.

If they’re in their 80s that ship has sailed. It’s not your decision, it’s theirs.

GrumpyHoonMain · 10/10/2020 19:36

Your parents are at the age where quality of life is very important to help them live as long as possible. Even a small thing like one child they’re used to seeing not visiting any more could end up making them very, very unwell. Don’t rock the boat

toffeekiwi · 10/10/2020 19:37

It's up to your parents to make that decision.
If your sister doesn't do their shopping then will you be doing it for them?

Original poster

PluralPatty · 10/10/2020 19:37

My sister is lovely. It’s good to have this objective view, I’m to emotionally caught up in it to know, really. I’ve already said I will wind my neck in. Won’t stop me worrying but that’s my problem.

OP posts:

SomewhereEast · 10/10/2020 19:38

Sorry but I think its absolutely your parents' choice. And I think its the choice I would make too, TBH. If they're in their 80s, then these could be their last few reasonably well & active years anyway. They may sadly have many years of sitting in the house ahead

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 11 12

Swipe left for the next trending thread