... to ask my sister to stop seeing our parents?

[PluralPatty]

I’m ready to get flamed for this but I genuinely don’t know what to do. Namechanged as my other posts are too outing.

DSis is in her fifties, good health, works full time in a school, goes to the gym and eats and drinks out regularly. Visits the supermarket daily, salons, takes public transport for leisure purposes, has travelled about the country and generally carries on as pre-Covid, says she’s not really at risk, which is true. Her DH same and she has 4 DCs of varying ages between 15 and 24 who, as most younger people, are also doing stuff socially as well as being at work/school. All good, no problem with this at all.

However, she goes round to our parents’ place several times a week, maybe more. They’re both in their 80s, dad is frail after a series of strokes but considering everything, they do ok. DSis takes them groceries and other things, sometimes takes them out to cafes or the cinema etc, the usual stuff, only we’re not in usual times, are we?

My problem here is that I think she is unnecessarily exposing our parents to Covid and I think she should stop seeing them, or at least cut down a lot. There are 4 of us siblings and one lives abroad and has not been able to visit since Covid but of those who live locally, we all pull our weight equally with the parents. I’m lucky enough to be able to work from home and have decided not to return to the gym and haven’t been socialsing really, DB the same. We are both much better placed to be making sure our parents have everything they need, yet DSis cannot seem to see this and clearly cannot see the risk to our parents here.

Cases are growing round here and I am seriously worried about DSis passing on Covid to my frail parents. AIBU?

@toffeekiwi

It's up to your parents to make that decision. If your sister doesn't do their shopping then will you be doing it for them?

I’ve been doing them a shop every couple of weeks via Ocado and DSis tops up anr brings treats, so nothing would change really

Without wanting to be ghoulish, your dad is in his 80’s and frail from a series of strokes he could actually die at any time. Perhaps he wants to spend what could be his last few months with his family.

I know you have already said you won't say anything which is definitely the right choice but I just wanted to say your sister sounds lovely and I'd be so grateful to have a sister like yours. Like others have said your parents are adults and can make their own choices, if they feel uncomfortable with it then it's up to them to say. I know if I was elderly I would just be trying to make the most of every moment I have.

DB the same. We are both much better placed to be making sure our parents have everything they need, so you want it to be just you and your dB doing things/seeing your parents and dsis to stop?

I totally get that my parents want to spend time with family and I wouldn’t want to stop them but I do think that if DSis wants to see them so often, she could do less stuff that puts vulnerable family members at risk, that’s all. That sounds judgmental as fuck, and probably it is, but that’s what I think.

I would be worried too OP, but I'm possibly projecting. Is there any way you could have an open discussion with your parents and sister? I realise that would mean another get together but it might be useful to share your concerns and get honest answers from your parents. if they've got all the facts, and still choose to see your sister, it will help your peace of mind.

I would be worried if I were you, OP. Especially if cases are rising in your area. I’m not sure you can insist, though.

I think covid is pretty grim and they’ll be alone without visitors if they are hospitalised.

I think it's up to your parents. They may not make a decision youlikebut it's theirs to make.

I don’t think they’re fully aware of what my sister does in terms of socialising etc. They assume everyone is leading a quiet life right now.

Really? You don't give them much credit, do you?

They're living their lives. Good for them. Is it because she does more than you?

Definitely your parent's choice.

Your parents are going to die, there is a good chance it will be within the next few years, there is also a pretty good chance it will be more than that for at least one of them.

Are you really so selfish that you want to keep them existing without seeing their (other) daughter just so you can keep them existing longer. Or would you really, when you think about it, let them enjoy what they can whilst they can.

Let them live how they choose and stop interfering.

My dad is housebound. He has already had a few of his regular visitors cut down or cut out their visits due to their own concerns or fear for him. He told me that he doesn't care about avoiding Covid, if that's his destiny then so be it. He wants company. I will respect his choice.

YANBU She should not be exposing them to Covid unnecessarily.

@TitianaTitsling

DB the same. We are both much better placed to be making sure our parents have everything they need, so you want it to be just you and your dB doing things/seeing your parents and dsis to stop?

We’ve always all done our bit and it’s never been an issue, always plenty of people to help out.

DB is currently fuming with DSis (for this) so he might well say something before I ever got the chance to.

It's really up to your parents. My mother is 90. Today she spent the morning with me walking round town (masked up), having coffee and lunch out. In the afternoon my sister and her daughter (a doctor in a large hospital so very risk aware) plus her three children (six, four and one) took my mother out for tea. She has just texted me to say what a wonderful day she has had. We all work Monday to Friday.

We could have left her alone in her large empty house (my father died two years ago). I know which she prefers, and she is extremely aware of all the risks.

@Nanny0gg

I don’t think they’re fully aware of what my sister does in terms of socialising etc. They assume everyone is leading a quiet life right now.

Really? You don't give them much credit, do you?

They're living their lives. Good for them. Is it because she does more than you?

She doesn’t do more than me or DB, really, so that’s not an issue.

I think it’s up to your parents. I have a elderly grandmother who I haven’t seen since March, several family members do go to see her and my aunt takes her out a couple times a week. She knows the risks and has decided she would rather just live what time she has left with family around her, being isolated at home would kill her. She could die of a heart attack, a stroke, fall or Covid at any time.

What is it with people treating their parents like children and making all the decisions for them once they get to a certain age.
They are in their 80's I'm sure they don't want to spend the rest of their time alive not seeing family, friends or leaving their house.
This is your parents decision.

I understand where you are coming from, and have similar feeling about my siblings. I’ve tried to say generic things in group messages like “oh the numbers are rising quite a bit now in our area, let’s
All try and be as careful as possible”.... It’s not worked as well as I had hoped but hopefully gave them some food for thought.
I’m petrified of my parents dying from covid.

I didn’t post for reinforcement, I posted because I genuinely wanted to know if I was being unreasonable. Clearly I am so I’m not going to say anything

I love all the posters who care enough about their parents to want for them the life they want for themselves, rather than isolating so that they have a longer existence but less actual life.

What is it with people treating their parents like children and making all the decisions for them once they get to a certain age

At least it’s not as bad as it was in March. There were endless “They will not do as they’re told” posts accompanied with stamped feet. Some people seem to think you’re incapable of risk assessment once you hit 70.

Youre parents are in there 80s. My own df won't make it to 80 he has terminal cancer id be damned if I was forbidden to see him. Crazy i could see him at the pub surrounded by strangers but not at home. I think youre sister sounds loving and caring.

@WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo

If I'd got to their ages I'd rather my final months were spent spending time with my DD and going out to have fun than sitting at home waiting for death to happen.

YABU. Leave them be.

This with bells on!

@VinylDetective

What is it with people treating their parents like children and making all the decisions for them once they get to a certain age

At least it’s not as bad as it was in March. There were endless “They will not do as they’re told” posts accompanied with stamped feet. Some people seem to think you’re incapable of risk assessment once you hit 70.

The difference in March was that over-70s were supposed to be shielding, there was less room for interpretation. Of course they could choose to ignore the shielding.

YABU

Assuming your parents have capacity, it’s their choice.

I admit, I would feel the same as you but it’s not your decision to make