... to ask my sister to stop seeing our parents?

[PluralPatty]

I’m ready to get flamed for this but I genuinely don’t know what to do. Namechanged as my other posts are too outing.

DSis is in her fifties, good health, works full time in a school, goes to the gym and eats and drinks out regularly. Visits the supermarket daily, salons, takes public transport for leisure purposes, has travelled about the country and generally carries on as pre-Covid, says she’s not really at risk, which is true. Her DH same and she has 4 DCs of varying ages between 15 and 24 who, as most younger people, are also doing stuff socially as well as being at work/school. All good, no problem with this at all.

However, she goes round to our parents’ place several times a week, maybe more. They’re both in their 80s, dad is frail after a series of strokes but considering everything, they do ok. DSis takes them groceries and other things, sometimes takes them out to cafes or the cinema etc, the usual stuff, only we’re not in usual times, are we?

My problem here is that I think she is unnecessarily exposing our parents to Covid and I think she should stop seeing them, or at least cut down a lot. There are 4 of us siblings and one lives abroad and has not been able to visit since Covid but of those who live locally, we all pull our weight equally with the parents. I’m lucky enough to be able to work from home and have decided not to return to the gym and haven’t been socialsing really, DB the same. We are both much better placed to be making sure our parents have everything they need, yet DSis cannot seem to see this and clearly cannot see the risk to our parents here.

Cases are growing round here and I am seriously worried about DSis passing on Covid to my frail parents. AIBU?

@Holldstock1 - a very interesting and helpful post.

@bettsbattenburg

@Bodynegative, nobody over 80 is going to get anywhere near an ITU bed if they get Covid and most would choose to stay at home if they got infected. We really do have to stop this madness and let sentient adult human beings make their own choices.

@countrygirl99

Moonjelly, that's how a lot of stroke victims die anyway. Of boring, bog standard pneumonia.

Sure. But why increase the risk unnecessarily?

@derxa

No-one can speak for anyone else when it comes to a being with a loved one when they die.

I am the least sentimental person, but for my daughters and I, being with my husband when he died (at home) was enormously helpful, emotionally. Not to mention the days leading up to his death, when he was conscious and we were all able to be loving and present, supporting him and each other. I can't imagine being deprived of that because of covid.

Not every death is as good a death, but to say that the previous poster was spouting sentimental nonsense is very unfair.
I was being a bit harsh. Every death is different and it was great that you could be with your DH in his last days.
None of this Covid business is fair. People are having to make judgements all the time. I know that if my DF was still alive at 92 at this time and no one visited he would rather have been dead.

Thank you derxa. I'm very aware (especially in hindsight) that we were fortunate in being able to have fantastic support to allow him die relatively comfortably and peacefully at home. I'm sorry that your experience wasn't as positive.

All these decisions about the people we love are SO hard at the moment. I've only seen my MIL, who I adore, once since February. She's in a care home three hours away, with very advanced dementia. And even though she doesn't know us any more, both I and my SIL, her daughter, don't want her to die without one of us holding her hand.
SIL is as rational and generally unsentimental as me, and we both know it doesn't make a lot of sense! But when you love someone dearly, it's hard.

A lot of people aged 80 plus do care about staying alive. My DM is 81; she keeps saying that there are things she wants to put in place before she ‘pops her clogs’, so she takes sensible precautions against catching COVID. (She’s suffered badly from bronchitis in the past so she is potentially high risk.)

She’s well capable of doing her own risk assessment. My MIL, too, who is 80.

Ironically, though, the person who has been badly affected by Covid is me. I have long Covid, which I haven’t yet recovered from. These are difficult times, but hiding away isn’t the answer.

YANBU to worry, though, it’s completely understandable under the circumstances.

@Eyewhisker - the risk of a stroke is massively increased by catching Covid; as are other vascular conditions.

I'm sure if a stroke happened following a Covid diagnosis and you felt partly responsible for giving your parent Covid in the first place, it would make the guilt so much worse.

Interesting
How do you know she has covid

I can’t seem to reply to my PMs right now so just wanted to thanks anyone who sent me a message.

I haven’t said anything to DSis yet, but I will. Numbers are going up here, like they are everywhere, and I honestly can’t see why she shouldn’t cut back on what she’s doing if she wants to spend that much time with our parents. I know everyone says it is their choice but I can guarantee they think she is not gadding about because they assume everyone who is sensible has cut right back.

@Bodynegative

I find that some people are really selfish. Young people thinking that going on the piss, having fun and shagging is fine because it won't hurt them, older people thinking that they'd rather die than miss out on life. None of these people are thinking about the risk to those vulnerable to Covid (we aren't all over 80 btw!) who may not be able to get the best treatment because the intensive care beds have been taken up by the "I'd rather take my chances than...." brigade. They are also not thinking about the NHS staff, the care staff, those working in hospitality or retail who don't have the choice. No wonder we have a Tory government with this I'm all right Jack attitude!

This. People over 80 are still on ventilators and getting full treatment. They don't have the right to decide for medical staff and other service users that they will.take the high risk.

95% of ICU beds are now in use in Liverpool. When it goes to 100, it will be like in Italy, with ventilators on beds in corridors and people dying unnecessarily because the service is overloaded. Young nurses and doctors will die because of their viral load.

I think your sister is fine to keep seeing them, but masked and with some distance and not chatting and eating on opposite sides of a cafe table.

It breaks my heart that I am unable to see my grandparents at the moment, because they both turned 80 this year and when you get to that age, you're pretty much defying the stats of life expectancy and every day you get is extra precious.

But they have made the decision to shield, because they are afraid, and don't want to die alone in hospital of covid.

I understand that.

But if your parents want to see your sister, please let them. Imagine if one of them died and hadn't seen you for months? You can still be safe and keep your distance, to minimise risk.

I absolutely don’t want my parents and sister not to see each other. I know that’s not what I posted in the title of the thread but I was being dramatic, I suppose. I just don’t like the way she is using them to support her “EVERYTHING IS ABSOLUTELY NORMAL WHY ARE YOU WORRYING” attitute.