... to ask my sister to stop seeing our parents?

[PluralPatty]

I’m ready to get flamed for this but I genuinely don’t know what to do. Namechanged as my other posts are too outing.

DSis is in her fifties, good health, works full time in a school, goes to the gym and eats and drinks out regularly. Visits the supermarket daily, salons, takes public transport for leisure purposes, has travelled about the country and generally carries on as pre-Covid, says she’s not really at risk, which is true. Her DH same and she has 4 DCs of varying ages between 15 and 24 who, as most younger people, are also doing stuff socially as well as being at work/school. All good, no problem with this at all.

However, she goes round to our parents’ place several times a week, maybe more. They’re both in their 80s, dad is frail after a series of strokes but considering everything, they do ok. DSis takes them groceries and other things, sometimes takes them out to cafes or the cinema etc, the usual stuff, only we’re not in usual times, are we?

My problem here is that I think she is unnecessarily exposing our parents to Covid and I think she should stop seeing them, or at least cut down a lot. There are 4 of us siblings and one lives abroad and has not been able to visit since Covid but of those who live locally, we all pull our weight equally with the parents. I’m lucky enough to be able to work from home and have decided not to return to the gym and haven’t been socialsing really, DB the same. We are both much better placed to be making sure our parents have everything they need, yet DSis cannot seem to see this and clearly cannot see the risk to our parents here.

Cases are growing round here and I am seriously worried about DSis passing on Covid to my frail parents. AIBU?

Never a truer statement said ‘quality over quantity of life’. I feel so sad for those people stuck in care homes with no visitors because of this shit show. What a massive disservice we are giving to our elderly at the moment, this will come back to haunt us in years to come.

I do think that if DSis wants to see them so often, she could do less stuff that puts vulnerable family members at risk, that’s all

I don’t think this position is unreasonable.

YABU. Unless your parents seem to be upset by your sister visiting and taking them out, which you don't seem to have mentioned. If its about your own fear, then yeah, its unreasonable to expect them to not see people if they wish to.

OP, no-one wants to die prematurely.

But it is important not to spend so much time thinking about dying that you’re not actually living.

Your parents are adults. You can’t just assume that they don’t know the extent to which your sister is socialising. They are going out with her willingly and that is their prerogative. You need to stop infantilising them.

I am vulnerable and was told just the other day that I need to still stay away from public places where possible and definitely not go on public transport. I will stick to that not just because I’m afraid of dying but because COVID could have long-term implications on my health as I will need a heart transplant in the future and covid damage would probably put pay to that if I survive it.

But I have found plenty to do at home and that works for me. I don’t however blame anyone who feels they just don’t want to live like that.

Your parents are adults. You have to let them live their own lives.

I’m shocked at some of these responses. The OP isn’t suggesting that her parents are put in isolation just that her sister be a lot more mindful of the risk of infection. I’m also shocked at people people writing off the OPs parents as being practically already dead - I know plenty of people in their 80s who are still enjoying life. My MIL is in her late 90s and still enjoys herself.

Even if COVID doesn’t kill them it can be an extremely nasty, painful and prolonged illness. If I was the OP I’d talk to her parents and to her sister and suggest that they are all a bit more careful.

Actually I’ll rephrase that. I’m not actually afraid of dying. But I feel the need to look out for my future to ensure that I still have a decent one at the end of all of this.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

What is it with people treating their parents like children and making all the decisions for them once they get to a certain age. They are in their 80's I'm sure they don't want to spend the rest of their time alive not seeing family, friends or leaving their house. This is your parents decision.

That. I am SICK of older people beingleft out of decisions by people who think they know what's best for them.

Your sister is entitled to bubble with her. And she is entitled to a life. I am in my 60s and the worst thing about lockdown was not being able to see my daughters. If I was 80 and it bag continued beyond lockdown it would pretty much kill me.

Your sister is doing nothing wrong. And your mum is entitled to make her own choices.

It’s not up to you to police your sister’s relationship with your parents. If you feel you must interfere then I think ask your parents if they are happy for your sister to still keep coming over so often- if they say yes, then keep your nose out. If they say no, ask them if it is ok if you speak to your sister. I think interfering against their wishes or starting to try to tell your sister what she can and cannot do is a sure fire way of causing family conflict.

For all you know your parents, like several older people I know, have decided that, statistically speaking, they could “go sooner rather than later” and if they could die next week, next month or next year from something other than Covid, they don’t want to spend the time they have left sitting in their homes, isolated from family and friends and not able to do any of the things they enjoy- and if that means they die from Covid, it’s a risk they are willing to take. If your parents are of a similar mindset, and you go steaming in and tell her sister to stay away without clarifying their views then you aren’t doing them a favour.

I think there is a happy medium. My DM is in ther 80s and many of her friends are 70s/80s and/or vulnerable. Many of them actually aren't taking the attitude of just assuming they will die soon anyway, several of them are very strictly isolating. They really don't want to catch it.

However, DM is trying to establish a medium way...she still pops to shops, goes out for a drink or a meal with friends. She would be fine for me to visit and stay over. On the other hand, she is taking precautions and so am I. I wouldn't be going all over doing everything and then seeing her. There is a medium between ignoring the pandemic and going into total isolation.

My MIL is in her 80's with a lung condition
She doesn't go anywhere, can't.
She lives alone and welcomes the visits from her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren.
I'd love to see anyone try and tell her she can't have these visits..

If you're parents and sister are both ok with their arrangements then it's ok.
In my job I have contact with a lot of isolated people. Some were isolated pre Covid and most others have been isolated since. The very vast majority all say that they want to see friends and family, go out, socialise and and 'go back to normal'.
The one thing that sticks and I hear a lot is ' I've not got long left, I don't want to spend it like this.'

@FlatScreenTV01

You don't do anything for your parents and resent your Sister doing what you don't do.

What a nasty comment! You obviously haven’t read OP’s initial post in which she says that her and her siblings all do their share with their parents.

@PluralPatty

By ‘prematurely’ I meant before the time they would without Covid. I have no illusions my dad is going to live a lot longer. My mum is in good health for her age but she is her age.

I don’t really want to stop my sister from seeing them, I’ve already admitted I framed the first post wrongly. But I don’t see the harm in maybe doing a bit less right now, rather than carrying on as normal, almost as if to prove anyone else wrong.

But I don’t see the harm in maybe doing a bit less right now, rather than carrying on as normal, almost as if to prove anyone else wrong.

Agree with you @PluralPatty. Your sister has to go to work, but she should cut back on her socialising / leisure activities indoors if she intends to visit her/your parents regularly to reduce her risk of unknowlingly infecting them.

My more fragile relatives aren't worried about dying but are worried about "long covid" and the impact of the quality of rest of their life if they catch it and don't make a good recovery.

I have been thinking and I reckon part of my problem with it all is that my sister is very eager for things to “get back to normal” and resume her previous life as much as possible and that she is, a little bit at least, using my parents (and putting them at higher risk) to do so. She is a very social
person and struggled a lot with lockdown and as soon as it was over, started everything up again immediately.

As for me being lucky enough to WFH, well, yes. But she is lucky enough to a have a Covid and Brexit proof profession. Just not an issue here.

@BeardyButton

Dear God. "They are 80, so clearly ready to die, they d much prefer COVID than not going to a cafe".....

Ageism!!!!

Also your sister is being remarkably selfish. She WILL feel it if she gives them COVID and they die isolated from their loved ones.

Of course you shpuld say smt. Perhaps they just havent really connected the dots.

If she wasnt being selfish, she could go and be outside the house, bring groceries, check they are ok, ring.... Etc etc.

Very well said @BeardyButton

It’s not well said at all. It’s patronising infantilism.

@PenelopePilchard

So you'd rather they were lonely?

They have each other and OP and other siblings visit regularly, it’s not like it’s one person living alone with no other visitors.

I eont think YABU.

Yea they can choose to take the risk of seeing your sister or staying away from her. They are clearly going to choose seeing her as I imagine to them family is most important.

And people are right saying that any of you could give them covid or their time could be limited for any number of reasons anyway.

But the reality is that the more your sister goes out and the more people she mixes with, on a voluntary basis (I think it's different as part of a job as there is less choice on the matter and more precautions taken) the more likely she is to kill them. Yes it's still a low risk but it is an increased risk. Your parents are always going to oock seeing her over not, if they have a good relationship, so I think she could either try and reduce her socialising risk or see them in a safer way

I think YANBU. My parents are nearly 80 and have lots of living left to do. They are not seeing family at the moment due to the risk. Covid is a horrible way to die and why risk it.

@PluralPatty

I didn’t post for reinforcement, I posted because I genuinely wanted to know if I was being unreasonable. Clearly I am so I’m not going to say anything

You are most definitely NOT being unreasonable and you definitely should say something to your DSis, especially as your DB feels the same way. You would never forgive yourself if one (or both) of your parents caught the virus and were very ill or worse. You wouldn’t be able to prove that they caught it from your DSis but that’s what you would be thinking. You and your DB need to have a conversation with your DSis explaining how you feel.

@VinylDetective

It’s not well said at all. It’s patronising infantilism.

In your opinion....

My Mum’s in her 80’s and my sister visits her with no social distancing almost every day.
Mum doesn’t want to rock the boat and upset her by telling her to stay away or that they can meet in the garden. We’re in a lockdown area and my sister works in education, so there’s a very real chance my sister could take Covid back to Mum.
The thought of her dying alone in a Covid ward is horrifying.
Right now she enjoys seeing her Grandchildren (my kids, from a distance) and friends call to chat regularly, so she isn’t isolated. For everyone saying YABU, it completely depends how your parents feel about this. YANBU to not want a lonely horrible suffocating Covid death for your loved ones ffs.

@PluralPatty

I have been thinking and I reckon part of my problem with it all is that my sister is very eager for things to “get back to normal” and resume her previous life as much as possible and that she is, a little bit at least, using my parents (and putting them at higher risk) to do so. She is a very social person and struggled a lot with lockdown and as soon as it was over, started everything up again immediately.

As for me being lucky enough to WFH, well, yes. But she is lucky enough to a have a Covid and Brexit proof profession. Just not an issue here.

I get this. If your parents got ill now and didn't recover you would not be able to be with them in hospital or even give them them a funeral free from restrictions. It must be unbelievably painful for those who have lost loved ones at this time.

Life isn't back to normal and whilst we all know (and must accept) that we haven't got long left with our elderly parents, the COVID situation makes it even more difficult should they fall ill.
Maybe you feel that by having so much contact with others they are putting themselves at risk and this could be avoided.

I think you are trying to protect them OP but in the end, it is their choice. Your parents want to see your sister presumably.
You are all between a rock and a hard place.

@MrsMcMuffins

I think YANBU. My parents are nearly 80 and have lots of living left to do. They are not seeing family at the moment due to the risk. Covid is a horrible way to die and why risk it.

Are they aware that death is not a choice most of the time?

@NailsNeedDoing

It’s your parents choice, not yours. What’s their opinion?

That rather depends whether it's an informed choice. Do they know what the risk is in going out with your sister rather than you, and specifically how much more contact she is having with potentially infectious people?

Even if they are happy to take that risk on the basis that they would rather be enjoying themselves, I seriously question whether anyone, given the choice, would choose to die of Covid. It's pretty clear that it's a fairly horrible death, generally made worse by being stuck in hospital on your own without being able to see the people you love. People who believe that OP's parents or anyone else would really prefer that are being very blasé about the realities of the disease.