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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to ask my sister to stop seeing our parents?

287 replies

PluralPatty · 10/10/2020 19:14

I’m ready to get flamed for this but I genuinely don’t know what to do. Namechanged as my other posts are too outing.

DSis is in her fifties, good health, works full time in a school, goes to the gym and eats and drinks out regularly. Visits the supermarket daily, salons, takes public transport for leisure purposes, has travelled about the country and generally carries on as pre-Covid, says she’s not really at risk, which is true. Her DH same and she has 4 DCs of varying ages between 15 and 24 who, as most younger people, are also doing stuff socially as well as being at work/school. All good, no problem with this at all.

However, she goes round to our parents’ place several times a week, maybe more. They’re both in their 80s, dad is frail after a series of strokes but considering everything, they do ok. DSis takes them groceries and other things, sometimes takes them out to cafes or the cinema etc, the usual stuff, only we’re not in usual times, are we?

My problem here is that I think she is unnecessarily exposing our parents to Covid and I think she should stop seeing them, or at least cut down a lot. There are 4 of us siblings and one lives abroad and has not been able to visit since Covid but of those who live locally, we all pull our weight equally with the parents. I’m lucky enough to be able to work from home and have decided not to return to the gym and haven’t been socialsing really, DB the same. We are both much better placed to be making sure our parents have everything they need, yet DSis cannot seem to see this and clearly cannot see the risk to our parents here.

Cases are growing round here and I am seriously worried about DSis passing on Covid to my frail parents. AIBU?

OP posts:
VinylDetective · 10/10/2020 20:09

The difference in March was that over-70s were supposed to be shielding

They weren’t actually. Just extremely vulnerable people.

JeanneFrench · 10/10/2020 20:11

I agree with you OP but can see that your sister and parents have made an alternative decision.

I presume she wears a mask and social distances from them, and they use hand gel /wash hands when she enters and clean when she leaves. As long as they are scrupulous with the barrier gestures (ventilating where possible, too) then you don't need to worry unduly.

Onamugsearch · 10/10/2020 20:12

My mother phoned me in tears during lockdown, she had recently lost my father so sensitive and very death aware, saying she felt life wasn’t worth living without seeing her family. We jumped in the car straight away, ignoring all lockdown rules, to visit her as a family.

Since lockdown finished she has gone about her life as pre-covid, seeing friends, visiting us and all her grandchildren. If one or more of us told her she needed to calm it down to keep safe, she’d tell us exactly what she thought. it’s your parents choice and in their 80’s they have lived a full enough life to warrant making those decisions without you or your db interfering. Interfering is often very damaging, you may find you don’t come out on the right side of it.....

As a side note, how utterly brilliant that your parents haven’t fallen down the rabbit hole of health anxiety and want to enjoy themselves and socialise vs isolating from family. I applaud them, please don’t take that away from them as has happened to so many other older people!

Emeraldshamrock · 10/10/2020 20:12

Yanbu. It is completely understandable why you are worried.
It might be up to your parents but you'd think your Dsis would have more sense she could pop into the garden or whatever.
If she was to count the amount of traces between her and her young adults.
A Covid death is a horrible lonely death even if they are old.
I know it is tough sticking to restrictions and most people have relaxed.
I'd say it to her in a nice way.

Wolke · 10/10/2020 20:13

We'd been keeping away from my father until this week when he broke down and said he felt he might as well be dead as life wasn't worth living. He understands that in his 80s he's at high risk, and as I'm a teacher there's likely to be lots of exposure but he'd rather have hugs from his grandchildren and hot meals with us than eat on his own and do video calls. My brother (who lives away) has agreed that dad's emotional needs at this point outweigh the risk. I feel very torn but at the end of the day this isn't going away.

BumholeJ · 10/10/2020 20:15

YABU

Emeraldshamrock · 10/10/2020 20:15

Is Dsis wearing a mask during the visit?

lockeddownandcrazy · 10/10/2020 20:21

my parents are 80s and are carrying on as normal on the basis they would rather live whilst they are alive as opposed to isolating and just existing and getting a few months or years longer but poor quality. their choice - not yours to make

HelloDaisy · 10/10/2020 20:23

My nana is 89 and has recently told me that she appreciates why we have all been avoiding visiting her but she would far rather die of Covid having seen her family than die alone in the front of the tv....

JKRowlingIsMyQueen · 10/10/2020 20:27

You're insane. Your parents are adults, not 3 year olds and they can make their own choices. They clearly want her to visit.

Original poster
PluralPatty · 10/10/2020 20:28

I am in total agreement that it is their decision, that life without family in it could be a worse prosepct than death for many older people, and that these could be their last days anyway so why not do what you want.

I just think my sister could dial it back a bit if she intends on spending so much time with them

OP posts:
Quaagars · 10/10/2020 20:28

This.
Surely it's your parent's decision?
Are they happy with the visits?
If not, of course she should stop.
If they're consenting and happy though, is it up to you?
I don't think so.
They're grown adults.

WanderingMilly · 10/10/2020 20:29

Honestly, as an older person (although not in my 80's) I'm pretty tired of people on here talking as though us older citizens have no choice in what we do, or that we're too frail or unaware of the world to make our own choices.

Of course you will worry, but it's your parent's choice. Your sister is being kind, I'm sure your parents enjoy her visits and would prefer to see her surely? It's their choice. Your sister may or may not catch COVID, so might your parents. Or not at all. And even if they do, they might get through it. At their age, for God's sake let them lead a proper life and stop thinking about them like you would a small child....

AnneElliott · 10/10/2020 20:29

Agree with pp - surely at 80 it's quality of life rather than quantity?

I've just lost my aunt (80) and I regret not seeing her during lockdown. I thought I was doing the right thing but I'll never get the chance to do stuff with her.

Letsgetgoing123 · 10/10/2020 20:30

@PluralPatty

I have 2 friends who have fallen out with their respective siblings over exactly the same issue.

I find this quite sad, especially as they’ve previously been close. But can understand their concerns.

My friends are in the same camp as you and their siblings in a very similar situation to your sister. It’s really consumed them as they are so worried about their parents.

I don’t have the answers but do feel that communication is probably important.

OverTheRainbow88 · 10/10/2020 20:31

I think OP is wanting her sister to be more
Careful if she’s seeing the parents, rather than her parents stay home isolated from family.

Emeraldshamrock · 10/10/2020 20:32

Reducing visits will definitely reduce the risk. There is no need for several visits a week. You and your sister sound really kind to your parents I'd chat with her start from a kind but worried POV.
I seem to be the only with a yanbu I'm biased as I lost my DM to it in April.

Nanalisa60 · 10/10/2020 20:33

I don’t really think it’s up to you it’s your parents decision weather they want your sister to visit, my FIL is in his 90’s with cancer , says he does not want to spend his last years not seeing his family, if it’s not the cancer that gets his he does not care if it’s COVID.

And he says if he does get it and dies he does not want any of us to blame anyone else it’s just how it is!! You have to die of something!!

LM20 · 10/10/2020 20:34

Considering your parents are in their 80’s I don’t think dying prematurely is the correct term to use. My mum died at 45, that’s prematurely!

BuddyRun · 10/10/2020 20:35

YABU.
She is an adult. Your parents are adults. They can decide how much they see each other. It's nothing to do with you.

LM20 · 10/10/2020 20:36

Posted too soon...

If it was my parents, I’d be wanting to enjoy as much time as possible with them. I think your being unreasonable to ask your Sister to not visit them/reduce her visits however you could speak to her regarding PPE when she’s visiting/or doing social stuff.

FreshFreesias · 10/10/2020 20:38

YABU.
The end.

Original poster
PluralPatty · 10/10/2020 20:40

@Emeraldshamrock

Reducing visits will definitely reduce the risk. There is no need for several visits a week. You and your sister sound really kind to your parents I'd chat with her start from a kind but worried POV. I seem to be the only with a yanbu I'm biased as I lost my DM to it in April.
So sorry for your loss, Emerald xx

I think maybe I framed the original post all wrong. I don’t want my sister to stop seeing them altogether, rather that she was more considerate about how often she sees them and also if there were any sacrifices she should make so her visits would be safer, but she clearly isn’t prepared to do that. My other Dsis abroad hasn’t come back because she doesn’t want to bring Covid to our parents and it’s tearing her apart that she hasn’t seen them in person for so long and yet other DSis is basically carrying on as normal.

OP posts:
Chillyourbeans · 10/10/2020 20:41

I see where you're coming from but if your parents have capacity, then this needs to be their decision. There's more to life than an absence of death.

hopsalong · 10/10/2020 20:42

Agree that YBU, though can understand your worries.

Your sister might already have had covid and be less susceptible to passing it on. Your parents might already have had it without noticing! Admittedly this is unlikely but predicting how infections happen with this disease is very difficult. Even though your sister is, by your description, more exposed to multiple contacts, there's every chance that the person to pass it on will be you or your brother. How would you feel if that happened and you'd prevented her from seeing them?

I know people who work in central London hospitals who have never had the virus (either by symptoms, PCR test, or antibody test) and yet have a friend who lives in rural Somerset who somehow managed to pick it up despite leading a very quiet life. Any of us could come into contact with the virus. At their age, your parents may need other medical care that causes them to be exposed.

There's also every chance that if they do get it they'll both be fine. The survival rate even in the very oldest people is still more than 85%. (Think how optimistic you'd be if one of them was diagnosed with cancer and given that prognosis.) I have no evidence for this, but I'm sure that if they're happy, getting out, eating well etc they're much more likely to be in the majority who survive it. If they even get it in the first place, which they probably won't.

Can you focus on spending as much high quality time with them yourself as possible? I wonder if I detect an undertow of concern that they have more fun with your sister than with their other children!

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