Who to choose - aged beloved dad or DH?

[inthekitchensink]

I would appreciate a virtual slap, as my head is boggled and I’m getting quite depressed. And I don’t know what to do.
My dad is early 80s, lives abroad, visits for 2-3 weeks every few months.

I live with DH, Dd (age 4) in a small terraced house. When dad visits we shift everything around so DH works & sleeps in DDs room, and dad has the spare room which is usually DH’s room & office as DD sleeps in with me (we are too old and tired to battle her sleeping in her room for the moment)
Dad is difficult, lovely, adores DD beyond belief. Dh struggles having him in the house, it’s too small, he’s often critical & cantankerous. DH hides in his room/office for the most part but comes down for chats & is friendly, polite and helpful. So big bonus points there.
But, the constant griping to me about my dad is unbearable. He comes to complain to me that he’s a cunt, he’s horrible, he had old man smell, he’s batshit, etc etc and his bad mood becomes so much I’m beyond tense - DH becomes belligerent about everything (only around me) and is painful to be around.

When dad has left, after a few days he is back to his normal pleasant self and I’m a fucking wreck, contemplating separation, and get very depressed.

Yes it’s too long for him to stay, DH asked for a 2 week limit on a visit and I have imposed it but even a week into it he starts to get so mardy.

My dad is old, I want him to move back here & rent a flat nearby so he can see his gd frequently, and I can see him & take care of him. At the moment, I can’t see DH coping with him around the house at all. It breaks my heart, and all the grouching has really affected my feeling for DH. At this point, I’m thinking it might be best for DH to live in a flat nearby, and dad to move in with me & DD. He is old, and starting to mix up his words and I fear a decline in capacity.

Aibu to be thinking this way? Anyone been through the same?

I'll be honest - I think your plan would eventually spell the end of your relationship. Unless that's what you want?

You’d deprive your DD of her father because you want to prioritise your dad who prefers to live abroad most of the year?
Ditch your husband, or just shelve him for a few years til your dad is dead and there’s just you and DD?
Really?

This is a tough one. Obviously you love and care for your dad but a persons home should be their sanctuary, your husband should feel comfortable and relaxed in his own home. Maybe he could come for a week max then stay at a local hotel??

Good points, thank you, this is where my thoughts are heading yes. I definitely am tempted to separate on the basis of how upset I am about what DH says about my dad and how miserable the last few years of his life will be in the current status quo. Maybe 50/50 custody would be better.

I wouldn't cope with my FIL coming to stay for several weeks as a one-off, let alone several times a year. That's insane, sorry.

The fact that you would kick your husband out to accommodate your dad says it all to me. End your marriage and let your husband find someone who appreciates him.

He comes to complain to me that he’s a cunt, he’s horrible, he had old man smell, he’s batshit, etc etc
I wouldn't let a stranger on the street say that about my dad. Your husband is a disrespectful loser.

Your DH is a nasty bully. I'd ditch him regardless of your Dad.

That is not a partner. He does not support you or care about your love for your father.

Imposing time restrictions for when your father can visit?? Is he for fuckin real??Are you for real?? I cant believe you would do this to your dear old dad. The man who raised you. What an entitled cold hearted loser your husband is.

Has your dh got aged dps?

Does your dad actually want to move back?

Yeah I would not want to live with PILs for weeks ever few months. But I wouldn't want to live with any of my relatives that much either.
I think your DH is being very nasty though and it doesn't paint him in a good light.
It would probably be better your dad living nearby and just visiting for a few hours though then DH wouldn't have to give up his room for weeks and e wouldn't get under his skin as much

End your marriage and let your husband find someone who appreciates him

your husband should feel comfortable and relaxed in his own home

Wow. You two set your bar so low you must have really sore toes!

2-3 weeks stays at a time is too long. It's ridiculous.

The hotel option is one that has been looked at, it’s not been feasible on the last visit because it was shut for COVID and didn’t recover. I think I’m so shit at confrontation I can’t just say to DH stop talking shit about my dad, and I can’t say to Dad that DH can’t stand having him in the house. My dad is fairly well off and can afford to rent a flat, but money isn’t coming in because of COVID ((tenants & rent issues).
I think I’m spiralling because I feel like I should be looking after my dad in his old age, he’s been the most amazing father and we’ve always been so close. He went abroad to live in the hope of saving his disabled son some inheritance tax, but that’s not worked out as he’s hoped so now we have to figure out the future

If you, as his daughter, who clearly loves her dad very much, can describe him as difficult, critical and cantankerous, I can only imagine what your DH thinks of him, especially being cooped up in a small house for 3 weeks.

Of course calling him names to you is not nice, but I can kind of see where he's coming from.

In your shoes, if I wanted to save my marriage, I would tell him that it just wasn't feasible to stay any more and encourage him to move back and live fairly close by. Apart from this issue, how is your marriage?

I'm clearly in a minority here, but if the person I married was so vile about a parent I loved and wanted to have a relationship with, I would consider I chose the wrong person to marry. If you pick your H over your DF, it sounds like you will resent him and that never really goes away. If my partner called one of my parents a cunt, they would not be my partner any longer. If your dad is your dad, not just a father in name, don't have misplaced loyalty to your H.

In what way is your dad difficult?

There are a few things happening here.

• your husband calling your dad nasty names to the point that you consider a divorce
• your husband having to hide in his own house when your dad visits
• you wanting your husband to move out and moving your dad in

How is your relationship otherwise? How is your dad difficult, like is your husband hiding actually the right solution?

That's a lot of visits. Your husband is wrong to insult your father but he is tolerating a lot. My mil lives abroad and visits 2-3 times a year for a few days each time and that is more than enough - and we have a fairly large house. It is really hard having another adult in your space.

Your dh hardly deserves respect calling the df you love - and his dd loves - a cunt...

God I couldn't put up with my fil staying for weeks at a time, and I actually liked my fil, he was lovely.

Would your dad contemplate moving closer? Is his behaviour worse than your DH’s when he comes to stay?

If this was a woman complaining about her FIL visiting then everyone would be saying she has every right to her own home and her DH should prioritise her over his father

Also why does your DH need to move out of his bedroom/office? Why can’t your dad stay in your daughters room which doesn’t get used?