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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who to choose - aged beloved dad or DH?

463 replies

inthekitchensink · 08/10/2020 20:01

I would appreciate a virtual slap, as my head is boggled and I’m getting quite depressed. And I don’t know what to do.
My dad is early 80s, lives abroad, visits for 2-3 weeks every few months.

I live with DH, Dd (age 4) in a small terraced house. When dad visits we shift everything around so DH works & sleeps in DDs room, and dad has the spare room which is usually DH’s room & office as DD sleeps in with me (we are too old and tired to battle her sleeping in her room for the moment)
Dad is difficult, lovely, adores DD beyond belief. Dh struggles having him in the house, it’s too small, he’s often critical & cantankerous. DH hides in his room/office for the most part but comes down for chats & is friendly, polite and helpful. So big bonus points there.
But, the constant griping to me about my dad is unbearable. He comes to complain to me that he’s a cunt, he’s horrible, he had old man smell, he’s batshit, etc etc and his bad mood becomes so much I’m beyond tense - DH becomes belligerent about everything (only around me) and is painful to be around.

When dad has left, after a few days he is back to his normal pleasant self and I’m a fucking wreck, contemplating separation, and get very depressed.

Yes it’s too long for him to stay, DH asked for a 2 week limit on a visit and I have imposed it but even a week into it he starts to get so mardy.

My dad is old, I want him to move back here & rent a flat nearby so he can see his gd frequently, and I can see him & take care of him. At the moment, I can’t see DH coping with him around the house at all. It breaks my heart, and all the grouching has really affected my feeling for DH. At this point, I’m thinking it might be best for DH to live in a flat nearby, and dad to move in with me & DD. He is old, and starting to mix up his words and I fear a decline in capacity.

Aibu to be thinking this way? Anyone been through the same?

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 08/10/2020 20:55

In future would you expect your DD and her husband/wife/partner to test their marriage to this extent for you or your DH?

Elsiebear90 · 08/10/2020 20:55

Sometimes as the kid of a "difficult" parent you forget that what for you is normal is really, really weird and awful to outsiders and they're not wrong they just haven't internalised the weirdness.

This is so true, my MIL is batshit crazy and my partner and (especially) her brother just can’t see it most of the time and constantly make excuses for her bizarre and downright nasty behaviour. I couldn’t cope living with her regularly and probably would call her names at the end of my tether. Maybe OP’s dad is a nasty piece of work, but he’s her dad and she loves him and minimises it?

Sirzy · 08/10/2020 20:56

Does your Dad hold the fact he owns to house over you as much as it seems like he might? That isn’t going to do anything to help relations either

Notimeforaname · 08/10/2020 20:57

inthekitchensink your dad sounds lovely. Yes some annoying traits in there... but we all have them. He sounds like a sweet old man.

rwalker · 08/10/2020 20:57

I'm sorry but if I was your partner I'd struggle with this and find the upheaval too much.
I think the thing a lot of people have a problem with is he calls your dad a cunt.
Personally a word I never use and think is vile but sadly nowadays many many people use it as everyday launage and to them is doesn't have the same strong connotations is your DH one of them.

Heffalooomia · 08/10/2020 20:57

If I had my partner's 'difficult' parent staying with that frequency and duration, being called names would be the least of their worries
I'd probably poison them

User4152790 · 08/10/2020 20:57

I couldn’t be with someone who called my dad a cunt, honestly. I can understand why it’s so hard for you to move past that.

Zilla1 · 08/10/2020 20:58

Your DH has a bone of contention that your DF hasn't gifted the house to you and your DP because your DF needs the income to live on. Really?

gobbynorthernbird · 08/10/2020 20:58

@inthekitchensink is your dad an alcoholic?

Cloudtraffic · 08/10/2020 21:00

Do you think your DF knows how DH feels and is deliberately exaggerating behaviours in a bid to drive a wedge between you and your partner? Does your DF like/approve of your marriage? That’s my gut feeling on reading your post - your DF wants you (and DD) to himself.

user1487194234 · 08/10/2020 21:00

Mu DM can be difficult but my DH would behave much better than your DH
I would not have married him otherwise and would not stay with someone who called my family (or anyone else) a cunt

underneaththeash · 08/10/2020 21:01

He sounds very, very annoying. 2 weeks! I can manage my MIL for about 4 nights before she's driving me mad - DH can manage about 3.

It's his house too. Your father should sleep in your DD's room as a visitor - or you should just put your 4 year old in her own room.

Backofthenewt · 08/10/2020 21:03

My Dad is absolutely lovely, but I don't think my DP could handle him staying in our small house for 3 weeks every 2-3 months.

Vivi0 · 08/10/2020 21:03

@inthekitchensink

Sorry, I’m not keeping up as fast as I would like, everyone has such valid salient points and that’s the crux of the issue! Ok - why DH would say dad is difficult:- he wears his dressing gown downstairs til 11am and burns the toast every single day. He will demolish every snack/biscuit/drop of whisky lying around. We have only one loo and he takes a long time in the bathroom. He sings/humms/talks constantly. He wants to know when the next meal is while he’s eating the previous one. He tells stories we have all heard a million times and doesn’t let you escape til you’ve heard it. He watches the news constantly and tries to discuss it with DH (who hates politics) He will stop you and demand you listen to every wonderful thing DD has done that day and you must be enthusiastic at how amazing she is. He puts the stuff away from the dishwasher in the wrong place.
Why were you in therapy? Surely there is more to this than wearing a dressing gown and taking too long in the loo?

Although, by the sounds of it, your father doesn’t sound like a guest, it sounds like he is right at home! That must be really full on for everyone in the house having him stay as often as you describe.

Mistystar99 · 08/10/2020 21:04

If you back your husband, you may forever feel awful about shunning your dad and that sadness could leech into your life, ruining your relationship with your H. If you back your dad, you may lose your marriage but perhaps your husband may yet come round in time. I'd support your dad I think. Especially as you describe him as beloved. Good luck either way OP.

lljkk · 08/10/2020 21:04

I'm not following very well, but I would have thought moving your D-Dad to a flat nearby would make great sense. Then your DF can visit with grand daughter in his home & not put your DH out of routine so much.

Also think your DH should suck things up a bit more, not be so bitchy, but the solution is to give him less exposure.

Disfordarkchocolate · 08/10/2020 21:04

I think you need to change your mindset about the house. Its too small by the sound of it, you pay market rent and you're subsidising you well off day for about 3 months of the year! That is not your Dad doing you a favour, that's you doing your Dad a favour/you being taken advantage off. Rent a house that is yours and boundaries will be a lot easier to enforce.

TitianaTitsling · 08/10/2020 21:05

@Notimeforaname

inthekitchensink your dad sounds lovely. Yes some annoying traits in there... but we all have them. He sounds like a sweet old man.
How on earth does he sound lovely and sweet?
purpleme12 · 08/10/2020 21:05

This particular issue is not worth splitting up over
Unless there's more to all of this...

ParrotheadRedux · 08/10/2020 21:06

OP do you think if your father got his own flat as you’ve suggested it might be easier for your DH to deal with him in smaller doses, knowing he’s going home to his own place? Having someone stay with you for weeks can be very invasive and it feels like there’s no escape. When we lived abroad it was very stressful to have my parents visit as they were with us 24/7 for a week at a time. Now that we are back they are around (pre Covid) 2-3 times a week for a few hours and it’s much easier on everyone, even though the total amount of time they spend with us is probably more. I think it’s a very fair option to present to your DH, but perhaps with the understanding that when it feels too much he can get “busy with work” and hide out in the office for a while. But also with the absolute stipulation that he’s not allowed to constantly complain and talk rubbish about your father. It seems you are at the point where that could have a serious impact on your marriage.

You would also have to have that uncomfortable conversation with your father where you establish reasonable boundaries for the amount of time can expect to spend in your home. It’s tricky to discuss but if you are on the same page it could work really well. But if your father expects to eat dinner at yours every night and for you to drop everything to run over and help him with “emergencies” like fixing his TV remote or screwing in a lightbulb, it could cause real problems. You need to get it all out the table before he makes any life changing decisions like moving countries. I know you could end up with a greater obligation if your father’s health declines but who knows what will happen when so you have to just plan for now and deal with what comes.

Original poster
inthekitchensink · 08/10/2020 21:08

@DontDribbleOnTheCarpet
Yes I think this is probably an accurate insight. I need to gather up some strength to have it all out with both of them

OP posts:
Unsure33 · 08/10/2020 21:08

Mortgage rates are very low , can’t you buy the house off your father to give him money to buy an apartment ?

BuddyRun · 08/10/2020 21:10

@anniegun

If this was a woman complaining about her FIL visiting then everyone would be saying she has every right to her own home and her DH should prioritise her over his father
This. This. This. This. DH is doing nothing wrong. He's being polite and helpful to someone who doesn't sound like he's a good guest. You've already kicked DH out of his bedroom for DD and now you want to kick him out of his house for DF too?! In truth, if I were him, I'd be contemplating leaving. You've chosen to spend your life with DH and yet you don't seem to appreciate or respect him at all.
CamillasHardHat · 08/10/2020 21:11

If this was a man letting his "critical" Mother come and live with them for 2-3 weeks every few months and the whole house has to be turned upside down to accommodate them there would be fucking outrage that a man put his Mother before his wife.

And yet here we are telling a woman she should put her Dad before her husband and father of her child. In fact some people are saying you should divorce him.

Maybe when you have spent your first Christmas without your child as Daddy and his new girlfriend celebrate with her you may rethink putting your Dad first.

Original poster
inthekitchensink · 08/10/2020 21:11

Mistystar99

If you back your husband, you may forever feel awful about shunning your dad and that sadness could leech into your life, ruining your relationship with your H. If you back your dad, you may lose your marriage but perhaps your husband may yet come round in time. I'd support your dad I think. Especially as you describe him as beloved. Good luck either way OP.‘

Thank you for the kind post, this is how 50% of me thinks

OP posts: