Who to choose - aged beloved dad or DH?

[inthekitchensink]

I would appreciate a virtual slap, as my head is boggled and I’m getting quite depressed. And I don’t know what to do.
My dad is early 80s, lives abroad, visits for 2-3 weeks every few months.

I live with DH, Dd (age 4) in a small terraced house. When dad visits we shift everything around so DH works & sleeps in DDs room, and dad has the spare room which is usually DH’s room & office as DD sleeps in with me (we are too old and tired to battle her sleeping in her room for the moment)
Dad is difficult, lovely, adores DD beyond belief. Dh struggles having him in the house, it’s too small, he’s often critical & cantankerous. DH hides in his room/office for the most part but comes down for chats & is friendly, polite and helpful. So big bonus points there.
But, the constant griping to me about my dad is unbearable. He comes to complain to me that he’s a cunt, he’s horrible, he had old man smell, he’s batshit, etc etc and his bad mood becomes so much I’m beyond tense - DH becomes belligerent about everything (only around me) and is painful to be around.

When dad has left, after a few days he is back to his normal pleasant self and I’m a fucking wreck, contemplating separation, and get very depressed.

Yes it’s too long for him to stay, DH asked for a 2 week limit on a visit and I have imposed it but even a week into it he starts to get so mardy.

My dad is old, I want him to move back here & rent a flat nearby so he can see his gd frequently, and I can see him & take care of him. At the moment, I can’t see DH coping with him around the house at all. It breaks my heart, and all the grouching has really affected my feeling for DH. At this point, I’m thinking it might be best for DH to live in a flat nearby, and dad to move in with me & DD. He is old, and starting to mix up his words and I fear a decline in capacity.

Aibu to be thinking this way? Anyone been through the same?

Hi op. I dont think putting your df before your husband is the right thing to do. Firstly, how would you explain to your daughter that you broke up her family? You are putting your own feelings first before your dd. Ironic as you want to be with your father, but want your dd to not have hers around?

Obviously calling him names is not ok, but I can truly see how he got there. It must be hugely frustrating for your dh to disrupt his life every so often.

The best option would be for your df to rent a place close by and you can see to him without disrupting your home life.

I think you would really benefit having therapy to specifically help you better understand your relationship with your father. Having read all your posts I think that is the real problem in your life and he is the root cause.

You mention having a strong desire to seek approval from your father. That is invariably a sign of a controlling parent. The children of reasonable parents don't feel that strong need for approval because they've always naturally felt loved and appreciated. Parents of a controlling parent are conditioned from birth that gaining their parent's approval is the most important thing in life. They strive for that because they just never quite manage to get it or when they do it only lasts briefly.

Your father has done a lot for you, but don't you know it. Everything he does for you comes with conditions or an expectation that he is due something in return. Reasonable parents help their children out when they can and don't expect anything in return. My parents helped me out. I've helped my adult kids out. Payback or obligations were never expected.

Your mother's depression and mental health issues, how much of that might have been a consequence of living with your father? Have you ever thought about that? You sound like you're going the same way and it's not your DH that is the common factor.

So your DF is old. Old age doesn't suddenly make everyone nice and deserving of love. All the PPs claiming that you must be kind to your dad and excuse him anything and everything because he's old are missing a key point. Maybe your DH is right. Maybe your dad is a cunt. Maybe he always has been. The fact that he is now an old cunt (if that is the truth) shouldn't give him a free pass. You have a family of your own - a daughter and a husband. Don't throw that in the bin trying desperately to finally gain your father's approval before he shuffles off his mortal coil.

Surely in a relationship you should be honest. I can say couldn't live with my MIL to my DH. In fact I've said it about her wanting to stay over each month. He would say it about my parents too. I know you feel can feel bit protective if someone criticises your parents, but if it's true it's true. It shouldn't hurt your feelings if it's true. --

I don't think it's your duty to look after your Dad. Your duty is to be a good parent. My Mum prioritised her Dad over us as kids and moved him in and it wasn't great. It changes the dynamic and to spilt from your husband because of it is sad ( unless other issues.)

don't think it's your duty to look after your Dad. Your duty is to be a good parent

I think it’s both. I hope everyone espousing the view that your only family are your children realise what you’re modelling for them. And, yes, I know everyone sanctimoniously declares that they’d never want their kids looking after them. It’s easy to say when the likelihood of it being needed is 30 years away.

Personally I can understand your DH getting fed up - I wouldn't want my FIL who is in 80s spending weeks at a time with us regularly and causing upheaval in an already small house. Not to mention the current covid situation with a man presumably flying at that age?! I think you're being selfish in that you'd rather put your father who may only be around for a few more years before your DH and are contemplating breaking up a perfectly otherwise happy family and causing your DD to have to experience split custody.
If you are concerned about your father then he needs to move back to this country and into assisted living or something

How rude is your Dad? I mean, objectively?

It is utterly unacceptable for your DH to call him a cunt BUT your love for your dad may be blinding you a bit to how difficult he is for someone else to be around, especially if your DH is trying to work from home.

Getting a flat around the corner for your dad and visiting him with your DD there after school each day, with him coming over for dinner a couple of times a week or at the weekend sounds an ok and more manageable plan than expecting it to work brilliantly in your current set up. Most people would struggle with their in laws for a couple of weeks as a one off, let alone every couple of months

And I know others have pointed it out. But it is clear that your father uses his money to control you. That is very hard to take as a partner - supporting your partner to undertake a caring role, which I assume he does in relation to your mum(?), is different to being entirely indifferent to watching a parent walk all over your spouse and ruin your home life, which is what he is experiencing. It is very hard not to really hate the parent in that situation.

I have been on the receiving end of parental financial control of my DH that is nowhere near as bad as yours. I have never used that language to discuss my in laws and luckily my DH has grown a backbone over time, but I if he hadn't I would have walked and not had kids with him.

Your dad actually sounds controlling and seems to have you right where he wants you. He can call the shots in your house because he owns it. That's not a good person. I don't like the word but I can understand why your DH used the C word to describe him.

You're so enmeshed in FOG you can't see the long term damage your are doing to your own family.

@VinylDetective

don't think it's your duty to look after your Dad. Your duty is to be a good parent

I think it’s both. I hope everyone espousing the view that your only family are your children realise what you’re modelling for them. And, yes, I know everyone sanctimoniously declares that they’d never want their kids looking after them. It’s easy to say when the likelihood of it being needed is 30 years away.

Not to the detriment of your children it’s not.

My children’s needs come before the needs of my parents. And my parents, being the good parents they are, understand that.

@Wakeupalready I know exactly what you mean about having to accept that a difficult parent isn’t going to change in their 80’s. My Dad can be v. difficult and quite horrible to me at times, but realistically, he’ll only be around for a few more years so I try to have the best relationship I can with him. I refuse to let him upset me, because ultimately, his actions/words don’t affect me anymore, I’ve got my own life. It’s a shame that some people don’t grow and learn from past mistakes, but there it is.[shrug]

The OP’s situation is different as her DH IS still controlling aspects of her life.

You DH sounds ungrateful and grabby. Nothing your dad does (that you say he would complain about) sounds that bad. Yes its probably too long to stay with you so a flat near by seems sensible. If your 'D'H was reasonable. But he's not. He sounds truly horrible

If I’m not unwell, sad, or in anyway in need of help then it’s A Ok 👌
This is so sad to read. So you support everyone. Who supports you? Please don't compromise on what matters to you to please someone who doesn't care for you when you need them

He pays £50 pw for food, and about £200 pw on taking us out for food, toy shop for DD, legoland etc. He also pays for flights for us all to visit him & other family abroad and pays for everything there. So it’s not unfair

OP - have you ever considered that perhaps your dad is extremely narcissistic and controlling and uses money as a means of leverage and control over the people in his life?
He only uses money to emotionally manipulate people into being of service to him and his needs/wants.
If he wanted to he could move here to a suitable place of his own here....help you afford suitable housing to enable you to meet the CARING DUTIES that you are being EXPECTED to fulfill....
Or pay for outside help.....
You wouldn't be the first child of narcissistic parents who's been conditioned into an extremely unhealthy dynamic and is so deeply mired in F.O.G that you can't see the damage it's doing to you, your marriage, your child, your life, mental health and self esteem.

He hasn't actually done you any favors because it all comes with invisible strings - and it all HAS to revolve around his dictats.

You're FORCED to live in a too small house, which your dad treats as his and he basically is a 3rd party in your marriage.....visits for 2-3 weeks every few months and essentially pushes your husband out of his own space and takes over the 'roost' and behaves in an extremely selfish, bullying and narcissistic manner........Dad is difficult..he wears his dressing gown downstairs til 11am...burns the toast every single day. He will demolish every snack/biscuit/drop of whisky lying around. We have only one loo and he takes a long time in the bathroom. He sings/humms/talks constantly. He wants to know when the next meal is while he’s eating the previous one. He tells stories we have all heard a million times and doesn’t let you escape til you’ve heard it. He watches the news constantly and tries to discuss it with DH (who hates politics)

You've been too mired in F.O.G and conditioned to view him as some fragile, old man who has a heart of gold - when the reality is actually the opposite.
He's been having his cake and eating it - and your best interests, marriage and life mean nothing to him.
He lives his life through you and now your daughter.

I would advise that you seek counselling/therapy for yourself and also as a couple with your husband.
Your husband is under extreme stress...he's been far more accommodating than most people would....he gets no respect from your dad and no support from you - you two are NOT working as a team because you've been conditioned to ALWAYS prioritise your parents wants and needs - not your own or of your own family unit and marriage.
You're risking losing your husband and destroying your own happiness and damaging your child because you can't see the damage done to you by your upbringing and parents.

what happens if you decide to have more dc?
will you have to deny yourself that because your dad commands so much of your energy and time that you have hardly any left for yourself to even think straight let alone plan your own future?

You are supposed to be married to your dh and forsake all others

Taken out of context, that sounds as creepy as fuck

Thanks everyone, I think every possible argument has been considered on here, and I’m extremely grateful for all perspectives. There will definitely be no more staying at the house, DH and have been talking talking talking and think we can continue to reconnect and work our way through if we continue to keep communicating. Dad has the option of renting near by or sorting out hotel accommodation. We will not be moving in with him to a larger place, as that’s yet more strings and more drama. DH, DD and I need to wall in and protect our dynamic. The marriage is an ongoing question and we will see how we manage. Thanks all.

My children’s needs come before the needs of my parents. And my parents, being the good parents they are, understand that

Mine didn’t. I balanced them.

@inthekitchensink

All the best op, onwards and upwards for the future now !

[quote Mydogmylife]@inthekitchensink

All the best op, onwards and upwards for the future now ![/quote]
thank you

@inthekitchensink you should be be proud of yourself that youve taken everything that's been said on board, not easy after a lifetime of how things have been so far.

Well done you @inthekitchensink, this can’t be easy, you are very brave to delve into this dynamic and start to untangle it. I do think you will be able to make the marriage work, good luck with it all!

2-3 weeks every few months is too much

But your DH is being very unreasonable by making a bigger problem out of this then it needs to be. He could be your partner and deal with your Dad with you and be there for you, but instead he’s excluding himself from a family he married into (sulking), making it about himself and taking his frustrations out on you. All this does is place you in the middle of two demanding men neither of whom are behaving that well, atleast your Dad has the excuse of being old.

What I would do is split the difference and make it clear to both men what you will and won’t put up with.

Dad- He can move nearby and have regular visits or he can visit for 2 weeks every six months. And you’ll visit him without DH in between as you can or want too.

DH- You’ll cut Dads visiting in half but you expect him in return to join in with family life with him no matter how much he hates it, no hiding or sulking, to be there for you, and not be horrible to you.

Well done, OP! If you are used to appeasing others and trying to smooth everything over, speaking up for yourself and expressing yourself honestly is really hard. The fact that you are talking honestly to each other is really hopeful.
I love a happy ending!

Very concerned about this.

Your DF has paid for your small house in a naice area and in return you've paid him market rent. What happens if he dies and it turns out he's left all his money to a Spanish donkey sanctuary?

Do you have enough to live elsewhere? You say your DH is working from home at the moment but needs to get to London by train presumably after Covid. Sorry if I've missed it but do you work? Does your DM have her own place outright or is she still living on your DF's money?

You mentioned DF moved out to Spain to save inheritance tax? that's not how it works.

Has DF made a will, or given you financial or health powers of attorney?

Are you still just his tenant?

It sounds as if it's a complete mess and it must be a huge concern for your husband when he knows that the pack of cards could come tumbling down if your father (whose only positive seems to be loving your daughter) just goes dulally, falls in love with his carer or leaves his money to donkeys.

I wish you strength.

Your DF has paid for your small house in a naice area and in return you've paid him market rent.

Your DF has paid for a small house in a naice area and has you as a tenant.

@SchrodingersImmigrant

Your DF has paid for your small house in a naice area and in return you've paid him market rent.

Your DF has paid for a small house in a naice area and has you as a tenant.

I expect it is willed to the op; while 'dad' still lives, the rent supplements his pension which isn't unreasonable.

Good luck OP, sounds like you have a good plan on surviving all this with your family intact. Onwards and Upwards.