Who to choose - aged beloved dad or DH?

[inthekitchensink]

I would appreciate a virtual slap, as my head is boggled and I’m getting quite depressed. And I don’t know what to do.
My dad is early 80s, lives abroad, visits for 2-3 weeks every few months.

I live with DH, Dd (age 4) in a small terraced house. When dad visits we shift everything around so DH works & sleeps in DDs room, and dad has the spare room which is usually DH’s room & office as DD sleeps in with me (we are too old and tired to battle her sleeping in her room for the moment)
Dad is difficult, lovely, adores DD beyond belief. Dh struggles having him in the house, it’s too small, he’s often critical & cantankerous. DH hides in his room/office for the most part but comes down for chats & is friendly, polite and helpful. So big bonus points there.
But, the constant griping to me about my dad is unbearable. He comes to complain to me that he’s a cunt, he’s horrible, he had old man smell, he’s batshit, etc etc and his bad mood becomes so much I’m beyond tense - DH becomes belligerent about everything (only around me) and is painful to be around.

When dad has left, after a few days he is back to his normal pleasant self and I’m a fucking wreck, contemplating separation, and get very depressed.

Yes it’s too long for him to stay, DH asked for a 2 week limit on a visit and I have imposed it but even a week into it he starts to get so mardy.

My dad is old, I want him to move back here & rent a flat nearby so he can see his gd frequently, and I can see him & take care of him. At the moment, I can’t see DH coping with him around the house at all. It breaks my heart, and all the grouching has really affected my feeling for DH. At this point, I’m thinking it might be best for DH to live in a flat nearby, and dad to move in with me & DD. He is old, and starting to mix up his words and I fear a decline in capacity.

Aibu to be thinking this way? Anyone been through the same?

Why can't you pay a market rent fir a similar house nearby (which should be the sane) but doesn't have one bedroom being off the master? So a normal 3 bed, where you have your room/husbands room and guest room.
Wound be more practical than current house?
Or why not give up your daughters room and make it permanently your husbands With proper bed etc.

This would be better than splitting up though father staying is still too much really. But would be easier in a differently set up house.

I wouldn’t have my mother in law to stay even a night. I’d be scared that we’d never get rid of her again.
It’s actually this reason why I’ve ever put a bed in either of my spare bedrooms. No spare bed, no unwelcome guests.

I expect it is willed to the op; while 'dad' still lives, the rent supplements his pension which isn't unreasonable.

I don't know. Obviously it's possible, but the dynamic is so odd I wouldn't be surprised if it was willed to someone else...

Why cant your dad move nearby into sheltered housing?

Oh Op, you might not realise this, but the way you conducted yourself on this thread is inspirational. Shows a lot about how you are focused on remaining rational in a very emotionally straining situation and not many of us can do that.

We all have different circumstances but we sure all go through emotional dilemmas in different ways.. and I would love to be able to prioritize being fair and rational and commit to that like you are doing here.

So well done to you

@Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel

Your DH is a nasty bully. I'd ditch him regardless of your Dad.

This. If your dh was calling you names such as a cunt, you'd be told he is verbally abusive...just because he doesn't say it to your dad, doesn't make it any less so...

I'd have to ask for a divorce if my FIL was staying in my home for atleast 2 weeks every few months. Nooooooo to that. Split up. Your poor husband.

I feel I need to add though if my partner dared to call my mother a cunt he'd be out the door.

@SchrodingersImmigrant

I expect it is willed to the op; while 'dad' still lives, the rent supplements his pension which isn't unreasonable.

I don't know. Obviously it's possible, but the dynamic is so odd I wouldn't be surprised if it was willed to someone else...

Op has stated elsewhere that the house is NOT being left to her - she has virtually no security as things stand

@MrsNotNice

Oh Op, you might not realise this, but the way you conducted yourself on this thread is inspirational. Shows a lot about how you are focused on remaining rational in a very emotionally straining situation and not many of us can do that.

We all have different circumstances but we sure all go through emotional dilemmas in different ways.. and I would love to be able to prioritize being fair and rational and commit to that like you are doing here.

So well done to you

might frame this for when I’m having a dramatic overreaction in the future thank you

DH apologises for his words and promises to vent elsewhere, and to not lash out at me constantly when he feels under pressure.

But everything is A-OK as long as you're not sad, ill or need help?

Lovey, your DH has a LOT of growing up to do. A good partner is there for their spouse when they're sad, ill or need help, as much as they can be.

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel...Your DH is a nasty bully. I'd ditch him regardless of your Dad

what happened to compassion and understanding?
OP has been honest about the situation they've been in....and she has correctly decided to work with her husband in ^partnership...just as it should be.

He can call the shots in your house because he owns it.
And because the financial support suits the OP.