Who to choose - aged beloved dad or DH?

[inthekitchensink]

I would appreciate a virtual slap, as my head is boggled and I’m getting quite depressed. And I don’t know what to do.
My dad is early 80s, lives abroad, visits for 2-3 weeks every few months.

I live with DH, Dd (age 4) in a small terraced house. When dad visits we shift everything around so DH works & sleeps in DDs room, and dad has the spare room which is usually DH’s room & office as DD sleeps in with me (we are too old and tired to battle her sleeping in her room for the moment)
Dad is difficult, lovely, adores DD beyond belief. Dh struggles having him in the house, it’s too small, he’s often critical & cantankerous. DH hides in his room/office for the most part but comes down for chats & is friendly, polite and helpful. So big bonus points there.
But, the constant griping to me about my dad is unbearable. He comes to complain to me that he’s a cunt, he’s horrible, he had old man smell, he’s batshit, etc etc and his bad mood becomes so much I’m beyond tense - DH becomes belligerent about everything (only around me) and is painful to be around.

When dad has left, after a few days he is back to his normal pleasant self and I’m a fucking wreck, contemplating separation, and get very depressed.

Yes it’s too long for him to stay, DH asked for a 2 week limit on a visit and I have imposed it but even a week into it he starts to get so mardy.

My dad is old, I want him to move back here & rent a flat nearby so he can see his gd frequently, and I can see him & take care of him. At the moment, I can’t see DH coping with him around the house at all. It breaks my heart, and all the grouching has really affected my feeling for DH. At this point, I’m thinking it might be best for DH to live in a flat nearby, and dad to move in with me & DD. He is old, and starting to mix up his words and I fear a decline in capacity.

Aibu to be thinking this way? Anyone been through the same?

Everyone suggesting the DF buys his own flat seems wrong. How about the op and her DH by their own flat and be longer indebted to the father.

When a parent purchases your property there is inevitably indebtedness and dysfunctionality. The op and her dh won't know if they can survive as a team unless or until they prove they can survive on their own two feet.

I think both need to pull up theor socks and get on with their own life independent of being bankrolled.

How on earth does he sound lovely and sweet?

He loves his granddaughter a lot and shows great interest in everything she does,he hmms whistles...that sweet granddad behaviour. Plus the man is 80 for God's sake. He's bound to be slow in the bathroom and ask about boring things like meals. None of this is in any way bad.

Although I draw the line at drinking all the whiskey.

@ParrotheadRedux Thanks, this is some really helpful advice. Along with others that I’m trying and failing to reply to I’m sorry!

[quote inthekitchensink]@DontDribbleOnTheCarpet
Yes I think this is probably an accurate insight. I need to gather up some strength to have it all out with both of them[/quote]
I was a bit harsher than I should have been and I'm sorry for that. However, I do think that braving the awkwardness and forcing yourself to speak firmly and frankly to both of them could really help you.

@inthekitchensink

Mistystar99

If you back your husband, you may forever feel awful about shunning your dad and that sadness could leech into your life, ruining your relationship with your H. If you back your dad, you may lose your marriage but perhaps your husband may yet come round in time. I'd support your dad I think. Especially as you describe him as beloved. Good luck either way OP.‘

Thank you for the kind post, this is how 50% of me thinks

Well it's a huge risk to take!

I’m quite shocked at those comments

Not because I don’t agree with them but becshse Mumsnet is the place that teaches how a husband must never prioritize his mothers needs over his wife’s feelings regardless of how reasonable or unreasonable..

But there is no doubt in here the priority is given to the dad.

I think there should be a blanket rule that when a parent is elderly they need to be cut some slack and their age does warrant that... and the other spouse must be heart but must have boundaries of respect.

If your father does want to move back, is there a local sheltered housing complex nearby where he could live semi independently? Having him live with you if the current frequent stays aren't working out seems a non starter - or look at a larger house?
The set up all seems fairly toxic, without the added complexity of your father having bought your home for you - even if you are paying rent.

@Notimeforaname

Imposing time restrictions for when your father can visit?? Is he for fuckin real??Are you for real?? I cant believe you would do this to your dear old dad. The man who raised you. What an entitled cold hearted loser your husband is.

Would you really have you in-laws staying in your house 1/4 of the time and be happy about it? Really?

lljkk

I'm not following very well, but I would have thought moving your D-Dad to a flat nearby would make great sense. Then your DF can visit with grand daughter in his home & not put your DH out of routine so much.

Also think your DH should suck things up a bit more, not be so bitchy, but the solution is to give him less exposure.‘

Not at all, this is a clear point of view and I will definitely insist on this. I think my problem is A) feeling I need to be the carer for my dad in his declining years B) feeling completely numb to DH because of the vile moods and things he says and C) surely DH would be better off without dealing with this? I mean I’m heading for a breakdown, and he is clearly miserable

You are paying rent on a house that is frequently bursting at the seams to enable your DDad to have the lifestyle he wants. Your DDad is frequently causing that house to be bursting at the seams because that's part of the lifestyle he wants. You, your DH and DD sound like pawns in your DDads life. And you, your DH and DD are expected to not only tolerate it, but not complain either.

He sings/humms/talks constantly.

My FIL does this. I get up very early for a bit of peace and quiet. The second FIL hears a footfall, even at 5.30am, he is there and incessantly talking. He also expects enthusiastic replies or he says 'huh? huh?' Over and over until you agree enthusiastically enough.

If I didn't get my hour of peace and cup of tea in the morning three weeks out of eight, I'd be batshit. Actually clinically probably. It's essential self care.

DH doesn't have space, mental or physical. He has needs too. DF's needs could be met in other ways.

If I’m really honest, I couldn’t cope with you’re asking your husband to do. Four days with his parents once a year is enough for me. They’re lovely, but very set in their ways, and to be honest they don’t sound 10% as bad as your dad... but I wouldn’t cope.

Your husband is coping; and behaving well towards your father; but is verbally venting at you. You don’t seem to have told him that you don’t want to hear it.

This is so nuanced, with your Dad only moving abroad to try and save tax, and him owning your house. He’s visiting so often. Can you move out? Suggest he lives in the house he owns; and you and your husband buy or rent another?

He is 80, and your dad - although I’d second that if you’ve had therapy on family issues, there’s a big part of this story missing - but he could live for another 20 years. And there’s nothing to say that he’s happy with the current arrangement and all the flying and changing addresses that he must be doing.

Talk to them both. Make a plan. But I can’t straight up blame your husband for not coping with this... I wouldn’t. I couldn’t do it. And while his complaints and language leave a lot to be desired, as you’ve said that he’s otherwise lovely and very helpful, I’m presuming that he just uses “cunt” as a word, like some people do, without finding it as unsavoury as others do.

OP's problems seem to be -

1. Father owns the house they rent. If they tell father not to come to stay so often (or at all) he may be very offended, want to break off relationship with them and tell them to move out. Can they afford something else? OP will be very upset that father has been treated this way and doesn't 'love' her any more. She will feel guilty.
2. Husband does not go out to work but lives and works in a very small house owned by hated FIL. So when his FIL comes to stay he can't get away from him although finds him annoying and disgusting all the time.
3. Husband hates his FIL but wife loves her father. Which one does she love more?
4. DD? Her situation is not well known.

I assume you only pay partial rent the months he he living there?

OP you say your DF was a great father when you were a child? In what ways?

@user1487194234

Mu DM can be difficult but my DH would behave much better than your DH I would not have married him otherwise and would not stay with someone who called my family (or anyone else) a cunt

We had this conversation repeatedly before marriage, he knows how much my parents mean to me and how we would end up with one living in an annexe, and the same for his parents. But we can’t afford to move to a place with an annexe while we have to be here in the southeast (my mum has terminal cancer and I care for her at her house when she lets me, very nearby)

Sadly , @inthekitchensink , you are the main problem here

You aren't dealing with the issues and imo your DD is suffering because of this

Your father should stay elsewhere, close by, when he comes to the UK

Sadly , as it's his house , he probably feels it's his right to stay with you

Yet another issue you haven't dealt with

@Sirzy

I assume you only pay partial rent the months he he living there?

Bet you a thousand quid that's not the case

Of course you should be loving and accommodating to your dad, but three weeks with someone disrupting the living space etc. is too much.

It's not nice the way your dh articulates his feelings, but I'm fairly sure I would be even more vocal. He is your dad, you are used to his way, have a strong bond, this is not the case for your dh. Unless there is a huge backstory would you actually divorce your dc's dad to accommodate your own dad?

If you have room build a granshed in the garden or move your dad into something close by, if he moves home.

Remember fish and guests smell bad after three days, let alone THREE weeks.

@Sirzy

I assume you only pay partial rent the months he he living there?

He pays £50 pw for food, and about £200 pw on taking us out for food, toy shop for DD, legoland etc. He also pays for flights for us all to visit him & other family abroad and pays for everything there. So it’s not unfair

The solution is you move out of your fathers house and rent your own place.

Then your dad can move back to the UK and live in your (his) current house.

@chatterbugmegastar

Sadly , *@inthekitchensink* , you are the main problem here

You aren't dealing with the issues and imo your DD is suffering because of this

Your father should stay elsewhere, close by, when he comes to the UK

Sadly , as it's his house , he probably feels it's his right to stay with you

Yet another issue you haven't dealt with

Yep, hands up to this, first thing I’m going to do is talk to them both separately about boundaries. Time to grow up.

So, you've never told your husband to STFU slagging off your dad? It might be time to start. Also to stop letting his moods casting a pall over the house, though that's less easy to achieve, without him just not being there.

It's not like your dad's over a lot of the time.

he wears his dressing gown downstairs til 11am {...} He puts the stuff away from the dishwasher in the wrong place.

Zomg how dare he wear a dressing gown. You know that nothing you describe is that bad. x

feeling completely numb to DH because of the vile moods and things he says

Yes, I find that stuff, a man's mood casting a cloud, very uncomfortable and I would be separating from him.

DH doesn't have space, mental or physical.

@MrsTerryPratchett It's not all the time.

DF's needs could be met in other ways.

Sorry if I've missed some posts, I've mainly just read the OP's posts. What do you suggest as an alternative(s) that meet DF's needs?

Your husband shouldn't be calling your father names. You need to make clear to him how much that hurts you, that you understand his need to vent, but the name-calling makes you miserable. Tell him that it's destroying your feelings for him when he shows such blatant disrespect for someone you love.

On the other hand, I couldn't live in your husband's shoes. You love your father, and that's wonderful, but of course your husband won't feel the same connection to him. Your father is spending far too much time in your house, and from your description, he'd probably drive most people up the wall if they couldn't "escape" from him. The fact that he owns your house makes it even more complicated!

If your father could live near enough that you could visit him rather than him living with you, that would probably solve the problems, since then your husband wouldn't become stressed by the constant pressure of sharing his home. Of course, if your father was coming around all the time, that would be a new problem. You might in that case have to tell your father that your husband needs more space. That's not an unreasonable demand.

You only get one father but you could have more than one DH. Sorry that was a stupid attempt at humour but its sort of true.

Both my parents became unwell as they aged and depended on me and my DSIS for a lot of help. I had a wonderful childhool, they were always there for me and my GC when they were growing up so it is natural to want to give back to a loving parent. If your DH was expressing himself with less colourful cruel words (calling your dad a cunt is too far ) you may be able to work something out.

When my dad became unwell with bowel cancer, my ex decided it was the perfect time to kick our 16 year old son out and so we all left to live with my parents, as it turned out I got to spend time helping my mum look after my dad and spent the last week of his life with him alone (my DM had flu and couldnt go to the hospice and my DSIS was in hospital having a hysterectomy at the time) When I went back to the house to get some clothes after my DF had sadly died,, my ex pinned me up against the wall and said to me "Well there was no love lost between us was there". I made the right choice but I was with an abusive ape, so it was easier for me, it sounds like your DH has some redeeming features and I wouldnt weigh everything up before making a decision. I can honestly say I dont regret chosing my parents over my ex though. If it was the other way round I think I would be full of regret.