Who to choose - aged beloved dad or DH?

[inthekitchensink]

I would appreciate a virtual slap, as my head is boggled and I’m getting quite depressed. And I don’t know what to do.
My dad is early 80s, lives abroad, visits for 2-3 weeks every few months.

I live with DH, Dd (age 4) in a small terraced house. When dad visits we shift everything around so DH works & sleeps in DDs room, and dad has the spare room which is usually DH’s room & office as DD sleeps in with me (we are too old and tired to battle her sleeping in her room for the moment)
Dad is difficult, lovely, adores DD beyond belief. Dh struggles having him in the house, it’s too small, he’s often critical & cantankerous. DH hides in his room/office for the most part but comes down for chats & is friendly, polite and helpful. So big bonus points there.
But, the constant griping to me about my dad is unbearable. He comes to complain to me that he’s a cunt, he’s horrible, he had old man smell, he’s batshit, etc etc and his bad mood becomes so much I’m beyond tense - DH becomes belligerent about everything (only around me) and is painful to be around.

When dad has left, after a few days he is back to his normal pleasant self and I’m a fucking wreck, contemplating separation, and get very depressed.

Yes it’s too long for him to stay, DH asked for a 2 week limit on a visit and I have imposed it but even a week into it he starts to get so mardy.

My dad is old, I want him to move back here & rent a flat nearby so he can see his gd frequently, and I can see him & take care of him. At the moment, I can’t see DH coping with him around the house at all. It breaks my heart, and all the grouching has really affected my feeling for DH. At this point, I’m thinking it might be best for DH to live in a flat nearby, and dad to move in with me & DD. He is old, and starting to mix up his words and I fear a decline in capacity.

Aibu to be thinking this way? Anyone been through the same?

Absolutely gobsmacked that some posters seem to think it’s ok for this arsehole of a H to speak about the OP’s dad that way.

your husband is wrong calling your father names. very wrong

however, in his shoes, his house has invaded. I would not like my own parents staying for weeks at a time so i get where he is coming from there.

i think alternative arrangements for your father would be kinder all round, then sort out your marriage as a 2nd priority?
separate beds. why?

Rent an office space for DH during your dads visits. Everyone then gets a daily break.
Long term it would appear that you are thinking of your dad moving in permanently?
If so - no, get home to rent somewhere close by. You can visit as can he, but could you cope with carers coming in daily at odd hours and effectively caring for an adult sized demanding child as well as cope with your own child and whatever else life throws at you. All with no space to run to.
It is hellishly stressful looking after aged parents without having kids as well and potentially being a lone parent (if you do decide to divorce). Social services will expect you to do everything yourself.
It would appear from your original post that maybe you suspect some form of cognitive decline (dementia?) as well. This with a young child as well will really push your stress levels sky high. Perhaps your DH can already see this happening and really doesn’t want it to, but doesn’t know how to have the conversation with you - and his worry is being voiced via barbed comments.

My FIL is 'difficult'. DH talked about moving him in when beloved MIL died. I told him he could live with him or me but not both. I wouldn't call him names but three weeks of him would tip me over the edge. Without moving rooms or him being my landlord.

It's fairly easy to say to your DH, "he's my dad, don't use that language about him". Fair enough. But the mood... I'd struggle. I mostly keep my cool when FIL is here but it's very hard. He says some pretty awful things.

I don't know, 2/3 weeks of having to rearrange your lives, being together all the time and being a spare wheel in your own home would piss most people off - maybe being closer and seeing each other for a few hours at a time without the invasion of space will be more palatable for your husband??

If its 3 weeks out of 8, then it's almost half of your dd and dh's life interrupted. How does your dd get in with your df? If you are paying rent and not a mortgage, has your df left the house to you in his will?

And I mean your dad living nearby, not your husband 😱 didn't see that bit and that is a crazy suggestion

You don't have to choose, it's just easier for you to contemplate divorce than standing up for yourself. (And you get to position yourself as the victim, I suspect).

You need to talk to both of them. Lay down the law with your husband about not calling your father names. Speak separately to your father about the length and frequency of his visits. He is practically living with you, while your husband is relegated to a child's room in the attic. It's too much. If your father is difficult and cantankerous then you need to be the one to stand up to him and try to curb his unreasonable behaviour.

You can sort this out, but you can't also be Daddy's Little Girl. You have to grow up and speak out.

@Wibblypiggly

Absolutely gobsmacked that some posters seem to think it’s ok for this arsehole of a H to speak about the OP’s dad that way.

But some dads are smelly, horrible, cunts. The DH might not be wrong.

@Wibblypiggly

Absolutely gobsmacked that some posters seem to think it’s ok for this arsehole of a H to speak about the OP’s dad that way.

We are gobsmacked that OP os putting her dad over her daughter and husband. Husband really needs to leave and find someone who respects him and his needs. Having someone move in for 2 weeks several times a year and disrupting them like this is ridiculous.

And this is why we have struggles with care homes. No one wants to look after their parents the way we used to and the way other cultures do. No respect for partners at all. This situation will be many of us in years to come but as the aged parent.

Living with extended family can be tough at the best of times. Even with family you get on great with otherwise, it can become too much after a prolonged period. I can understand your DH getting fed up especially as you have to change your rooms around.
However, it is disgusting and unacceptable for your DH to call your DF a cunt or that he smells or anything horrible like that. It’s one thing to be fed up of a guest who outstays their welcome but that is utterly disrespectful.

yabu in my opinion.

I dunno. I'm trying to imagine making my DH live with my dad for weeks at a time. It would be horrendous and the names would be accurate.

Sometimes as the kid of a "difficult" parent you forget that what for you is normal is really, really weird and awful to outsiders and they're not wrong they just haven't internalised the weirdness.

Firstly, your husband needs to stop being so rude, I would never have even called my evil EXMIL a c**t.

However, the visits are far too long and disruptive. It is not practical to have him stay with you in a house this small when you have a child. If your Dad does smell this needs to be addressed, I couldn't cope with that. Could your Dad stay nearby when he visits, a nice B&B or Airbnb?

Finally, it's daft to prioritise living with your Dad when he doesn't even want to live in the same country as you. The c*t thing though would be unforgivable unless your Dad is a closet Nazi.

@MrsTerryPratchett

My FIL is 'difficult'. DH talked about moving him in when beloved MIL died. I told him he could live with him or me but not both. I wouldn't call him names but three weeks of him would tip me over the edge. Without moving rooms or him being my landlord.

It's fairly easy to say to your DH, "he's my dad, don't use that language about him". Fair enough. But the mood... I'd struggle. I mostly keep my cool when FIL is here but it's very hard. He says some pretty awful things.

Very much this. How does your df speak to your dh. You said renting from the df was the only way to get the house you wanted. Was this a joint decision between you and your dh, this house and rent from your df?

@Coffeecak3

My dm is here now, its over 3 weeks since she came. She has been a difficult dm and even now will put me down and said last week that I must find masks difficult with my sticky out ears.

My dh hates the way she treats me sometimes but for my sake is polite and helpful, he lights the fire for her even though we're hot. He brings her a glass of wine each evening.

OP your dh is rude and disrespectful about your df because you allow it.
If my dh called my dm a c or said she smelled he'd be sleeping in the car.

Your df is old and allowances have to be made. And don't think he doesn't know how your dh feels about him.
You need to tell dh to shut up and put up for 2 weeks.

No. Allowances do NOT have to be made.

Just because you are happy to have your mum staying with you, putting you down and ridiculing you, doesn’t mean it is healthy and that other people should follow suit.

It’s sad to think that if your DH ever dared to defend you, his wife, then you would have a problem with him, but not with your own mum’s behaviour towards you.

Stay in the FOG but all means, but don’t encourage others to do so.

Parents not partners in my previous post

Ah. So your DF bought you your house. Now you're somewhat beholden.
If your DF is well off he should stay in a hotel. And long term if he moves back, live separately and buy in care as needed. Surely any unselfish father wouldn't impose himself on his family to the detriment of their marriage and his GC.?

OP, you will probably have considered but does your DH have any family he would want to visit during part or all of your DF's visits to defuse the tension, if he were willing/would welcome this?

Can't believe that this situation has been allowed to drag on to the extent that you are now considering splitting up the family - this level of angst has not popped up overnight! You seem to be deciding what's happening pretty unilaterally , how would your dad feel if you moved him in and ousted your DH? Where would this leave you as a family when the inevitable happens and your dad passes? Or, as you say you fear lack of capacity , when you are no longer able to look after him at home. Is this even fair on your dd? I totally get the desire to look after your dad , you love him dearly, but I feel there is a lot more to be considered than a 'swop' of him and your DH. Or is this just an excuse to separate under another guise?

Sorry, I’m not keeping up as fast as I would like, everyone has such valid salient points and that’s the crux of the issue!
Ok - why DH would say dad is difficult:- he wears his dressing gown downstairs til 11am and burns the toast every single day. He will demolish every snack/biscuit/drop of whisky lying around. We have only one loo and he takes a long time in the bathroom. He sings/humms/talks constantly. He wants to know when the next meal is while he’s eating the previous one. He tells stories we have all heard a million times and doesn’t let you escape til you’ve heard it. He watches the news constantly and tries to discuss it with DH (who hates politics) He will stop you and demand you listen to every wonderful thing DD has done that day and you must be enthusiastic at how amazing she is. He puts the stuff away from the dishwasher in the wrong place.

And this is why we have struggles with care homes. No one wants to look after their parents the way we used to and the way other cultures do. No respect for partners at all. This situation will be many of us in years to come but as the aged parent
Couldn't agree more. If you're able to take care of a parent then I see no reason not to. The "inconvenience" is a horrible reason. It's not forever. It's for your parents last years. I'm so saddened by this.

Your dad is (imo) staying far too much & I don't understand why you don't tell him no sometimes.

He visits so often that it does sound as if he might as well move back.

But if he had his own place you & your daughter would visit there-no need for him to live with you or you with him!

I think you need to tell your husband to stop being so horrible, but it must be difficult for him.

We need to hear the DH’s side here.

Without even knowing what his take is, from his perspective, he already sleeps separate from his wife (why?) then when his FIL comes to stay his wife, the one who he doesn’t even share a bed with, insists that he should leave his bedroom/office so his FIL can be accommodated, for three weeks at a time. And this is a difficult man who the OP doesn’t want to say why, but admits she’s had therapy because of her family.

Clearly the OP knows her DH has a point or she would have answered the question as to why he’s difficult, but she has deliberately ignored it on several occasions.