Who to choose - aged beloved dad or DH?

[inthekitchensink]

I would appreciate a virtual slap, as my head is boggled and I’m getting quite depressed. And I don’t know what to do.
My dad is early 80s, lives abroad, visits for 2-3 weeks every few months.

I live with DH, Dd (age 4) in a small terraced house. When dad visits we shift everything around so DH works & sleeps in DDs room, and dad has the spare room which is usually DH’s room & office as DD sleeps in with me (we are too old and tired to battle her sleeping in her room for the moment)
Dad is difficult, lovely, adores DD beyond belief. Dh struggles having him in the house, it’s too small, he’s often critical & cantankerous. DH hides in his room/office for the most part but comes down for chats & is friendly, polite and helpful. So big bonus points there.
But, the constant griping to me about my dad is unbearable. He comes to complain to me that he’s a cunt, he’s horrible, he had old man smell, he’s batshit, etc etc and his bad mood becomes so much I’m beyond tense - DH becomes belligerent about everything (only around me) and is painful to be around.

When dad has left, after a few days he is back to his normal pleasant self and I’m a fucking wreck, contemplating separation, and get very depressed.

Yes it’s too long for him to stay, DH asked for a 2 week limit on a visit and I have imposed it but even a week into it he starts to get so mardy.

My dad is old, I want him to move back here & rent a flat nearby so he can see his gd frequently, and I can see him & take care of him. At the moment, I can’t see DH coping with him around the house at all. It breaks my heart, and all the grouching has really affected my feeling for DH. At this point, I’m thinking it might be best for DH to live in a flat nearby, and dad to move in with me & DD. He is old, and starting to mix up his words and I fear a decline in capacity.

Aibu to be thinking this way? Anyone been through the same?

@Notimeforaname

Imposing time restrictions for when your father can visit?? Is he for fuckin real??Are you for real?? I cant believe you would do this to your dear old dad. The man who raised you. What an entitled cold hearted loser your husband is.

Are you for real? You’d let an unpleasant ‘critical, cantankerous’ in-law in your house for 3 weeks at a time, every few months? Where you’d be kicked out of the marital bed to sleep and work in your child’s bedroom to facilitate them? I don’t know how your oh has put up with it op!

The two opposing views represented here by posters are Exactly the ongoing argument in my head. And I’m not coping.
Other points - my dad bought us our house, on our request, he owns it and we pay him market rent.

• my DH has put himself out above and beyond to accommodate him, help him with moving, IT stuff, millions of things

What about your DD in all this? I think she should be a priory. Is she really going to want and be happy living with your dad, especially over her own father?

Could DH stay in a travelodge or premier inn whilst your Dad stays??

How do you think you would cope if your MIL moved in for every 3 weeks and roles were reversed??

I don't think your DH is a villain. I think he moans so that he is able to put on a "nice face" for your Dad.

My worry is that this is a snapshot of how your DH would be if anyone else was unwell or (heaven forbid) got older...of course it's difficult, and I am sympathetic to him struggling with the upheaval - but I think what he's saying is horrible. There's a brutality and coldness to it that makes me completely understand why you are considering separating.

I'm not convinced your plans with your dad are quite right yet either, but that's almost secondary to the personality your DH has revealed to you. There's that saying "when someone shows you who they are, believe them".

@Liftupthereceiver

I'm clearly in a minority here, but if the person I married was so vile about a parent I loved and wanted to have a relationship with, I would consider I chose the wrong person to marry. If you pick your H over your DF, it sounds like you will resent him and that never really goes away. If my partner called one of my parents a cunt, they would not be my partner any longer. If your dad is your dad, not just a father in name, don't have misplaced loyalty to your H.

I completely agree

I think having a guest, DDad or not, for 2-3 weeks every couple of months is too much. You and your DH seem to have reached an impasse, so I think it's reaching the point where you have to make a decision. Your DH's comments about your DDad are awful, but maybe he sees the visits as an upheaval and an imposition that happen too often and for too long.

He owns your house?? And he moved abroad to SAVE inheritance tax?
Is there a reason he hasn't transferred your house into your name???

When my very old parents died I thanked my bloke for all the support he’d given me during their decline. His response was that he knew from day one that we came as a package and if he made me choose I’d have shown him the door. He was right. I’d definitely have questioned who I’d married in your situation, OP.

It seems like you’re prioritising your dad over your husband, you describe your dad who you clearly love very much as “difficult, critical be cantankerous”, but then expect your husband to put up living with him in his small house for weeks at a time. Your husband doesn’t love your dad, so if you think he’s difficult and hard to live with imagine how he feels. There’s no way I could live with my MIL for weeks when she had the option to stay elsewhere, you’re being unreasonable imo.

Your husband shouldn’t be calling your dad names, but tbh I’m not surprised as I imagine he is very hard to live with based on what you’ve said.

@Notimeforaname

He comes to complain to me that he’s a cunt, he’s horrible, he had old man smell, he’s batshit, etc etc I wouldn't let a stranger on the street say that about my dad. Your husband is a disrespectful loser.

I totally agree. Finding someone difficult to live with is one thing, but what you describe is appalling! What on earth gives your DH the right to do this?

What a horrible situation. If my husband called my dad a cunt or said any of those vile things about him I would divorce him straight away, thats vile. On the other hand I absolutely could not bear having my MIL stay for 2 weeks even as a one off, and shes really lovely and not difficult at all, so it does sound like your husband is putting up with a lot. I would focus on moving your dad to live close by (not with you) and consider whether you want to be married to someone who is so unpleasant about someone you love as a separate issue.

I feel like I should be looking after my dad in his old age, he’s been the most amazing father and we’ve always been so close

Then that's what you must do.

I would choose what little time I had left with 'the most amazing father' over a minute longer with a 'partner' who only cared about his own comfort

While your DHs comments are absolutely awful, your dad staying 2-3 weeks every few months is a hell of lot to ask your DH to put up with. If DHs mum or dad stayed that much with us we'd break up, I couldn't cope with that level of intrusion into my own family life. But equally understand how important your dad is and how much you want him there. I don't really know what the answer is, but I don't think your DH is totally unreasonable for not wanting his FIL staying this much and his frustration coming out in the way it does.

Your dh could be in your df's shoes one day.
Maybe tell him that.

I think your DDad owning your house muddies the water slightly. DH possibly feels like he's no say in his home. And is possibly aware that you'd pick your DDad over him if it came to having to choose.

Honestly I think we would end up breaking up if PIL came to stay in our small house for 2 weeks every couple of months. I just couldn't bear it. I'd go insane. And they're not even that bad.

But it's not on calling your Dad a cunt. How is he difficult?

@CodenameVillanelle

‘He owns your house?? And he moved abroad to SAVE inheritance tax?
Is there a reason he hasn't transferred your house into your name???’

Good point - I presume to ensure he gets the rental income he needs for his living expenses. It’s a bone of contention with DH but we have the house we needed and couldn’t have afforded otherwise

There's absolutely no way I could tolerate being moved around my house, not sleeping with my spouse and being grumbled at by an elderly in law for 2-3 weeks every two months. It's too much to ask of anyone.

Your first responsibility is to your DD and your DH. If your marriage is otherwise good why would you contemplate divorcing when, to be brutally honest, your dad could die in a few years time.

I'm not excusing your DH's behaviour but I think you are asking far, far too much of him.

@Notimeforaname

‘He comes to complain to me that he’s a cunt, he’s horrible, he had old man smell, he’s batshit, etc etc
I wouldn't let a stranger on the street say that about my dad. Your husband is a disrespectful loser.’

Yes this, and to all the other posters who have replied along the same lines. I’m desperately struggling with this. I understand venting, or even him having it out with my dad and saying this is too much, but the brutal coldness & lack of empathy hurts

Your relationship will not work whilst you are prioritising your father over your child and husband. It's unreasonable to disrupt family life to that extent for a visit. Has your husband resorted to the c-word as he is being sidelined? Does your father expect to be accommodated because he has bought the house? There is a power inbalance if that's the case. Doesn't sound like you care too much about your husband's pov. Parents get old you can't stop that happening you need to come to terms with that and have a fair open discussion with your husband first then your father. You are treating your father like a husband and your husband like a lodger. Good luck!

Are you for real? You’d let an unpleasant ‘critical, cantankerous’ in-law in your house for 3 weeks at a time, every few months? Where you’d be kicked out of the marital bed to sleep and work in your child’s bedroom to facilitate them?

As I understand it ( and I am not sure I do) the DH sleeps in a different room all the time, as DD and OP share. I don't quite understand why the rooms have to shift around during the visit, sorry if I am being dense OP.

Your partner has been really rude, but on the other hand the visits sound a real strain. One question is...do you think your DH would cope better if your father lived nearby? He would be near all the time but no extended visits. You could take DD to see your father at his place. It depends how much time your father would actually spend in your home, which is hard to predict. I think visiting for a few hours in the day could be easier.

I couldn’t live like that I’d divorce you in a heartbeat. It’s great you have a lovely relationship with your dad but it shouldn’t come at the expense of your other relationships. Can you not rent another house so you aren’t so enmeshed?

The only other thing I’d say is make sure your relationship with your father isn’t to the detriment of your daughter. I grew up in one of those and I don’t see my mother anymore she never grew up or got away from her parents and everybody else was there to serve that primary relationship. It was soul destroying. Not saying yours is like that just to think about.

I wondering all the 'how dare he / your beloved dad' posters would feel about their MIL being moved in and them told to go and live in a flat without their child.

I would not sacrifice a good marriage over my DH not getting along with my DF. Especially since you do describe your DF as cantankerous and difficult...imagine he’s probably not treating your DH nicely when your back is turned. And I would not in a million years allow my DF 2-3 weeks stays every few months (4x a year?) in our home and put him up in my DHs bedroom/office.

It’s not as much of an imposition on you, you’re in your usual bedroom, in your bed. Your DH is left trying to sleep in your DDs room.

Honestly, limit the visits to 2 weeks and DF must stay in a B&B or hotel from now on. If DF can’t afford 2 weeks in B&B or hotel, then the visit must be shortened even further.

Your home is too small to have a PIL living there 8-12 weeks a year. No sooner has DH recovered from the last visit, is he facing being evicted from his bedroom again for more weeks.