Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who to choose - aged beloved dad or DH?

463 replies

inthekitchensink · 08/10/2020 20:01

I would appreciate a virtual slap, as my head is boggled and I’m getting quite depressed. And I don’t know what to do.
My dad is early 80s, lives abroad, visits for 2-3 weeks every few months.

I live with DH, Dd (age 4) in a small terraced house. When dad visits we shift everything around so DH works & sleeps in DDs room, and dad has the spare room which is usually DH’s room & office as DD sleeps in with me (we are too old and tired to battle her sleeping in her room for the moment)
Dad is difficult, lovely, adores DD beyond belief. Dh struggles having him in the house, it’s too small, he’s often critical & cantankerous. DH hides in his room/office for the most part but comes down for chats & is friendly, polite and helpful. So big bonus points there.
But, the constant griping to me about my dad is unbearable. He comes to complain to me that he’s a cunt, he’s horrible, he had old man smell, he’s batshit, etc etc and his bad mood becomes so much I’m beyond tense - DH becomes belligerent about everything (only around me) and is painful to be around.

When dad has left, after a few days he is back to his normal pleasant self and I’m a fucking wreck, contemplating separation, and get very depressed.

Yes it’s too long for him to stay, DH asked for a 2 week limit on a visit and I have imposed it but even a week into it he starts to get so mardy.

My dad is old, I want him to move back here & rent a flat nearby so he can see his gd frequently, and I can see him & take care of him. At the moment, I can’t see DH coping with him around the house at all. It breaks my heart, and all the grouching has really affected my feeling for DH. At this point, I’m thinking it might be best for DH to live in a flat nearby, and dad to move in with me & DD. He is old, and starting to mix up his words and I fear a decline in capacity.

Aibu to be thinking this way? Anyone been through the same?

OP posts:
Adoptthisdogornot · 08/10/2020 20:34

You need to talk to your DH, and explain how deeply hurtful it is when he offloads his frustrations onto you. He sounds fairly saintly otherwise, I wouldn't be able to bear having my in laws in my house for that amount of time. I think he needs to find another outlet, another ear to moan to. Also, you need to give him the opportunity to voice how he really feels about your father staying. Maybe DH is close to breaking point too and hasn't the courage to tell you he can't cope with your dad anymore? In the long term, I think father staying somewhere near by is the best solution. I have a very difficult relative, who certainly could never stay over night (there would be actual murder!) but a few hours every couple of weeks is totally fine.

purpleme12 · 08/10/2020 20:34

Mmmm I agree that this is very muddied waters here.

You've given 2 very different sides. From what you say you husband is nice to your dad he just can't cope with him staying so lets it all out on you about him staying.
From what you're saying you haven't actually told him how this makes you feel and told him to stop? Surely that needs to come first.
Yes he is saying some horrible things and cunt is a step too far but I agree that if you describe your dad as those negative things then he's going to see those things in your dad a lot worse cos he's not got that history with him.

Unfair to separate if this is the only issue....

Original poster
inthekitchensink · 08/10/2020 20:34

@Sirzy

‘Also why does your DH need to move out of his bedroom/office? Why can’t your dad stay in your daughters room which doesn’t get used?’

Yes I’ve insisted on this change. Only reason is because it’s a loft conversion you access through the master bedroom, and has low head room (he is tall) and no loo. So he is up and down several times a night to use the (only) bathroom. But still feel DH shouldn’t have to move things around to work/sleep

OP posts:
Level75 · 08/10/2020 20:35

Your poor DH having his life disrupted like this all the time. Of course he shouldn't be so rude, but it's absolutely not on to impose your dad on him all the time. Sort a different arrangement. And talk to each other.

Lockdownseperation · 08/10/2020 20:36

I’m in two minds here. What your DH says is not acceptable but I also feel you have pushed him into it by kicking him out of his bed and office for 3 weeks out of 8 to 12. The whole situation is ridiculous. It does not sound like it’s a good idea to rent from your Dad as you are now beholden to him.

CodenameVillanelle · 08/10/2020 20:36

I love my dad but he can be cantankerous, rude and awful. If I foisted him on my boyfriend for weeks on end I'd be expecting my bf to find him unbearable and to get angry with him. I think it would be impossible for him not to. And considering dad's awfulness is often directed at me I'd expect him to be angry on my behalf. That's why I'd never do it.

Notimeforaname · 08/10/2020 20:36

I wondering all the 'how dare he / your beloved dad' posters would feel about their MIL being moved in and them told to go and live in a flat without their child

If my mil was 80 and declining as ops father is and also living abroad I would indeed want my partner to have her close by. Of course. I will be old and sick one day. I can only hope those I loved and took care of will do the same for me as I approach my final years

Allgirlskidsanddogs · 08/10/2020 20:36

Your DH is grumpy because the visits are too long and cause too much disruption.

If you can get your DF to move closer, preferably close enough to hat you can visit him for daytime visits, so he isn’t always coming to yours and doesn’t have to stay over. If he does have to stay can you reduce th visits to be 2 weekends and just one week in the middle?

Good luck, tricky situation to be in.

Thurmanmurman · 08/10/2020 20:36

Imagine the tables were turned and you had a critical, cantankerous MIL living with you for 3 weeks at a time. I think YABU. I love my Dad too, but appreciate he can be a complete arsehole and wouldn’t subject DH to more than a few days. You need another solution OP.

ThePlantsitter · 08/10/2020 20:37

I think that either you are understating what your dad is like or accepting horribly rude behaviour from your H, or most likely tbh, both.

Does your dad behave as if he is entitled to stay in your house because he owns it even though you are paying market rent? Does he belittle DH because he owns the house your family live in?

What are your desires in all this? Are you quite sure you haven't just got used to running around to please cantankerous men of all ages? Honestly it sounds like you are bending yourself in many directions and I'm not clear what you personally would like to do.

purpleme12 · 08/10/2020 20:37

Yes the being beholden to him cos he owns the house is an issue mixed up in this I think

Bobblehatwobble · 08/10/2020 20:37

@Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel

Your DH is a nasty bully. I'd ditch him regardless of your Dad.
Absolutely this.
Original poster
inthekitchensink · 08/10/2020 20:37

@whiskybysidedoor
Oh Christ, this is food for thought. I have had a lot therapy about my family & I, but do not want it in any way to affect my DD.

OP posts:
Terrace58 · 08/10/2020 20:37

2 weeks with a house guest is hard for anyone to handle.

It would be best to rent someplace near your house for your dad to stay. Barring that, get a bed into DD’s room that works for your dad. Then DH can keep his normal space which might help, especially if he is wfh right now.

ImSleepingBeauty · 08/10/2020 20:38

@Liftupthereceiver

I'm clearly in a minority here, but if the person I married was so vile about a parent I loved and wanted to have a relationship with, I would consider I chose the wrong person to marry. If you pick your H over your DF, it sounds like you will resent him and that never really goes away. If my partner called one of my parents a cunt, they would not be my partner any longer. If your dad is your dad, not just a father in name, don't have misplaced loyalty to your H.
I agree. My MiL is a difficult character (I’m very polite). However if or when FiL dies, if she wants to come and live here I wouldn’t object. Why? Because she is my DH’s Mum and my DC’s Grandparent and she’s performed both of these roles with love and patience. I wouldn’t want to see her lonely or not coping if there was something we could do to help.
Hopeisnotastrategy · 08/10/2020 20:38

Your husband sounds nasty.

user1471457751 · 08/10/2020 20:39

I don't understand why you say you can only afford this house cos of your Dad when he's charging you market rate rent. If you can afford market rate you could have rented without his help. Your dad is just profiting from you both.

Coffeecak3 · 08/10/2020 20:39

My dm is here now, its over 3 weeks since she came. She has been a difficult dm and even now will put me down and said last week that I must find masks difficult with my sticky out ears.

My dh hates the way she treats me sometimes but for my sake is polite and helpful, he lights the fire for her even though we're hot. He brings her a glass of wine each evening.

OP your dh is rude and disrespectful about your df because you allow it.
If my dh called my dm a c or said she smelled he'd be sleeping in the car.

Your df is old and allowances have to be made. And don't think he doesn't know how your dh feels about him.
You need to tell dh to shut up and put up for 2 weeks.

Heffalooomia · 08/10/2020 20:39

visits for 2-3 weeks every few months
if I was your partner I would leave!
this would drive me crazy!

Elsiebear90 · 08/10/2020 20:42

You’ve not really explained what your dad does that’s so difficult. I understand he’s your dad and you love him and he’s old etc., but tbh it sounds like you prioritise and love him more than your husband. I think most women here would have a huge issue with their “cantankerous, difficult and critical” MIL staying with them every few months for weeks at a time. It’s irrelevant imo that he’s old, it’s not a free pass to behave badly as a guest and it doesn’t mean that your husband comes second in his own home.

gobbynorthernbird · 08/10/2020 20:43

[quote inthekitchensink]@whiskybysidedoor
Oh Christ, this is food for thought. I have had a lot therapy about my family & I, but do not want it in any way to affect my DD.[/quote]
Why have you had therapy? My family isn't, by any means, perfect, but I've not needed therapy.
This suggests to me that there's something the OP isn't telling us.

speakout · 08/10/2020 20:43

I will only address the part of the OP's father- I dont think I have much to add to the debate about OPs husband.

OP the situation may be eased having your father living nearby.

It is a strain having someone living with you 24/7, but if your father lived nearby you could still see a lot of him, but in small visits which may be easier for all of you.
He could come to visit regularly for a few hours at a time, you and the kids could go to visit him.
Less pressure all round.

19lottie82 · 08/10/2020 20:43

What examples would your DH give about why your DF is so bad?

But back to your OP, your DH is out of order insulting your Dad like that, but I can’t imagine having to put up with a guest (that I liked) in my own home for that long / often. I’m sure you’ve heard the saying, guests are like fish? They start to skink after 3 days!

I don’t think you’re being fair on your DH, at all. Sorry.

Vivi0 · 08/10/2020 20:44

It really sounds as though your husband has reached his limit.

A few posters have now asked you in what ways your father is difficult, but you have not answered. Is it that bad, or do you just think your husband should be accommodating it regardless?

I wouldn’t tolerate visits of that length and frequency from my parents, never mind my in-laws.

You saying that you are thinking of moving your husband out and moving your father in is quite shocking to me - you sound enmeshed with your father. You would actually deprive your daughter of her father to please your own?

but do not want it in any way to affect my DD

Moving your DH out to move your dad in would affect your DD massively. As would exposing her to your dad’s “difficult” behaviour daily and to your enmeshed family dynamic.

HowLongToXmas · 08/10/2020 20:44

@Elsiebear90

It seems like you’re prioritising your dad over your husband, you describe your dad who you clearly love very much as “difficult, critical be cantankerous”, but then expect your husband to put up living with him in his small house for weeks at a time. Your husband doesn’t love your dad, so if you think he’s difficult and hard to live with imagine how he feels. There’s no way I could live with my MIL for weeks when she had the option to stay elsewhere, you’re being unreasonable imo.

Your husband shouldn’t be calling your dad names, but tbh I’m not surprised as I imagine he is very hard to live with based on what you’ve said.

This. 100% this.