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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Another child told my DD she should go on a diet. How should I handle with school or parent?

331 replies

thepeopleversuswork · 08/10/2020 15:58

For background DD (9) is slightly overweight. Lockdown and the fact that I work insane hours hasn't helped but there's no dodging the fact that she should probably lose a bit of weight.

She came home yesterday saying another child in her class not a close friend but one of her peer group had said "when you're older you should probably go on a diet".

I'm privately really upset and raging that this child has presumed to do this. I told DD calmly that diets weren't a good idea and that it wasn't a great idea for children to be handing out this sort of advice and that she should disregard it but that we would work together to do some more exercise and try to eat more healthily. But I do want to tackle it either with the parent or the school.

DD has asked me not to contact the girl's mum and talk to her, which was my initial instinct. What I would like to do is to contact the teacher and suggest that she might want to talk to the whole class without singling this child out about the danger of diets and pressure on children to lose weight, in a way which is framed in the context of lockdowns etc and emphasizing exercise and healthy eating, but making clear that its not cool for kids to fat-shame other kids and maybe touching on the pressures that children are subjected to aesthetically.

I'm wary of appearing to be seen as a busybody, lecturing teachers about how to handle this when they are clearly dealing with a huge amount of more urgent priorities. And I don't want to be a diva about it.

But I also think it needs to be tackled. What would be the most constructive thing to do?

OP posts:
formerbabe · 08/10/2020 16:00

School, always the school.

Never the parent

Hth!

FooFighter99 · 08/10/2020 16:00

Do nothing except support your daughter. teach her to say nice things to people. help her to lose a bit of weight if she needs to.

end of

OneForMeToo · 08/10/2020 16:01

If your doing it in the a friendly lesson to the whole class then yeah I’d go for it. If you go for it as getting the individual in trouble your might just make things worse for your DD.

Justmuddlingalong · 08/10/2020 16:03

I would do neither tbh.

Sunnydaysstillhere · 08/10/2020 16:04

Imo it's for you to deal with at home. Don't bring it out into a great saga. The girl was honest by your own admission... Tell dd your family is having a meal planner overhaul and invest in some skips /trampoline. My dd's (and me!) have also added some chunk during this tough time. I have told them! Why would I not?

dementedpixie · 08/10/2020 16:05

I wouldn't be contacting anyone tbh unless it turned into a bullying situation

EchidnasPhone · 08/10/2020 16:06

I would do neither. Use that energy to focus on creating a healthy relationship with food and her body for your daughter. People have opinions. Sometimes people aren’t kind. The childs comment wasn’t said with kindness but making a big deal of it won’t help.

Dollywood · 08/10/2020 16:06

There is an Instagram/ Facebook page card 'kids eat in colour' which gives good advice and approaches to weight in young children...meal plans but also a good approach which involves not talking about weight/ diets etc.

lockdownbreakdown · 08/10/2020 16:06

Since when were nine year olds tactful? I would just leave it and start the healthy eating. Just reassure as you have done.

thepeopleversuswork · 08/10/2020 16:07

Sunnydaysstillhere it is primarily our issue obviously but I think also that given the huge pressure on girls in particular to confirm to particular aesthetic norms and the wider mental health impacts that the school ought to take a position on it.

I don’t know how to go about it without appearing high handed though...

OP posts:
MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 08/10/2020 16:09

Did the child mean to fat shame? I think the approach needs to bare this in mind.

At 9 they have no tact. My slightly older daughter has commented on my weight increase. She wants us to both start healthy eating and being active rather than dieting. I've had a word about tact with others and that people might be hurt by her comments but it's a WIP.

Justmuddlingalong · 08/10/2020 16:11

I think you can't police the other girls opinion, as you've said yourself that your DD is a bit overweight. You can teach your DD to have good self esteem and confidence. Unfortunately we can't change others behaviour, just how we deal with it.

Pumpertrumper · 08/10/2020 16:11

Sorry OP but I don’t really think the child did anything wrong (at 9).

It’s very hard when they’re constantly taught (at school and on TV) the importance of health. It’s a big deal in our society now and when a child is told that being overweight is bad it’s hard to expect them not to turn to an overweight child beside them and repeat that advice. I would assume by ‘diet’ this girl meant ‘healthy food’ not a grapefruit fast. They’re taught in primary school about nutrition, not fad/crash diets.

It doesn’t sound like this girl was being nasty, was she bullying DD? I note she said ‘when you’re older’ and I take this to be her repeating advice that’s been fed to her. I don’t think she was being mean and honestly...it sounds like she was right.

I was an overweight child and my mum also complained to the school had another child pointed it out. She spent my whole primary/secondary complaining to the school rather than admitting that I had a bit of a problem and she had failed me to some small extent.

It wasn’t until I left home at 20 that I realised those kids had been right and dropped all the extra weight. Much healthier for it now.

PineappleUpsideDownCake · 08/10/2020 16:12

I dont think Id do anything as that woild make it into an "isssue". I'd probabky do anything to minimise it so it doewnt grow in your daughters head.

I am connected to many with eating disorders and lots of people can point to a time they were considered fat.

Id just carry on with life and build in the healthy steps but not draw any attention.

FourTeaFallOut · 08/10/2020 16:12

Your child is over weight and another child has said she might have to go on a diet? I mean, that doesn't sound too bad.

ktp100 · 08/10/2020 16:13

I bet that girl got that from home. It always amazes me how many people openly shame overweight people in front of their kids. It's disgraceful.

Speak to the school and ask them to intervene BUT please don't encourage the teacher to speak to the whole class about weight and diets - your daughter could be mortified and it may make the situation worse by bringing her to the attention of others.

Shower her with love and do make that plan for being more active and healthy moving forward.x.

workhomesleeprepeat · 08/10/2020 16:13

Neither really. The school might handle this very clumsily tbh. Mine certainly did - there were concerns about anorexia in some of the girls groups, so they weighed us all and made us sit through the most boring lecture on balanced eating. Fixed nothing at all!

It’s probably better to just focus on your daughter and make sure she loves herself and her body so she has a healthy relationship wth food

AiryFairyMum · 08/10/2020 16:13

It doesn't sound like bullying, so I wouldn't involve the school, and definitely not the other parent. But it might be a good idea to put a better focus on healthy eating at home - looking at how food makes us strong and give us energy, making healthy and tasty meals and snacks together and not buying unhealthy ones. The habits we teach our kids can stay with them well into adulthood.

StormsDontLastForever · 08/10/2020 16:14

I would definitely contact school! Give them the opportunity to speak to the child and if it happens again I would go to the parent! Could be totally innocent but could be the opposite, definetley nip it in the bud just now. Hope your dd is ok ❤️

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 08/10/2020 16:14

I think if this was a child in secondary school I'd be agreeing with your thoughts on this girl. But at 9, she probably didnt see it as hurtful, as a one off comment it just sounds a bit tactless to me. Unless there is some other reason you think there was some malicious intent behind it, or its repeated, then I'd put it down to the one off comment. I think sometimes schools attempts to talk about healthy eating have backfired, some of my friends kids have had issues with not wanting 'bad' foods after school have tried to explain healthy and unhealthy and the message has got lost in translation.

CruzControl · 08/10/2020 16:15

I don't think the other child did anything wrong. At that age, she probably doesn't know it's rude to suggest that someone who is overweight should go on a diet. She'd know it's rude to call your daughter fat, but she didn't do that.
Your child is overweight, she probably should go on a diet. It's not nice to be told that but you can't expect a nine year old to understand quite a complex social nuance.
This isn't something to raise with the school or the parent. Just drop it.

CakeGirl2020 · 08/10/2020 16:15

I think you’ve sat back and allowed your child to gain weight and that’s why your upset here to be honest.

Unless the girl says anything else, I’d not talk to the school or parents. Children are blunt sometimes and as a 1 off comment, it’s not really an issue. Most 9 year olds don’t have any tact....because well they are 9.

Focus on meal planning healthy meals and getting your child out for exercise. Maybe even involve Dd in the meal planning and cooking, at 9 she is more than old enough to learn about healthy food choice and cooking

PineappleUpsideDownCake · 08/10/2020 16:15

Four really!?!?!? I hope you can learn a bit more and make sure your child isnt the one doing this.

FubsyRambler · 08/10/2020 16:15

Schools can be very tough places if you are different, secondaries even more so than primary.
I can see you heading into Wack A Mole territory and achieving little. At 9, most children know what the kind, expected, school-approved response should be. Some choose to ignore it.
Work with your daughter to build her confidence when faced with unkindness.

Snufkins · 08/10/2020 16:15

‘Slightly overweight’ in your eyes might be bigger in someone else’s. 9 year olds lack tact. Rather than looking for someone to blame perhaps take it as a push to adopt a healthier lifestyle.

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