Another child told my DD she should go on a diet. How should I handle with school or parent?

[thepeopleversuswork]

For background DD (9) is slightly overweight. Lockdown and the fact that I work insane hours hasn't helped but there's no dodging the fact that she should probably lose a bit of weight.

She came home yesterday saying another child in her class not a close friend but one of her peer group had said "when you're older you should probably go on a diet".

I'm privately really upset and raging that this child has presumed to do this. I told DD calmly that diets weren't a good idea and that it wasn't a great idea for children to be handing out this sort of advice and that she should disregard it but that we would work together to do some more exercise and try to eat more healthily. But I do want to tackle it either with the parent or the school.

DD has asked me not to contact the girl's mum and talk to her, which was my initial instinct. What I would like to do is to contact the teacher and suggest that she might want to talk to the whole class without singling this child out about the danger of diets and pressure on children to lose weight, in a way which is framed in the context of lockdowns etc and emphasizing exercise and healthy eating, but making clear that its not cool for kids to fat-shame other kids and maybe touching on the pressures that children are subjected to aesthetically.

I'm wary of appearing to be seen as a busybody, lecturing teachers about how to handle this when they are clearly dealing with a huge amount of more urgent priorities. And I don't want to be a diva about it.

But I also think it needs to be tackled. What would be the most constructive thing to do?

This kind of thing stings.

I would give it a day or two, let the sting fade and then decide what to do (probably nothing tbh but that's up to you). Meanwhile be glad that even if your daughter was upset by it she has said so to you and has not just internalised it and eaten a biscuit, which is what I do in that situation.

Make sure you big up how great she is in every way every single day, which I'm sure you do already. I found getting my kids to do a regular dance class very helpful. Not so easy at the moment, but I think the key is finding an activity she enjoys and is, as a side benefit, good for keeping fit.

I am a HCP. We have had worried parents bring their perfectly normal weight children 'because you can see their ribs' thinking they are underweight.
We have developed a skewed idea of what normal healthy children should look like IME.

But there's a massive difference between eating healthily and "going on a diet
Yes but the 9 y.o wouldn't understand that all the media say diet to lose weight unfortunately.

I'm sorry but I dont think that she did anything wrong.

You can't remove the word "diet" from the vocabulary allowed at school. Your issues are your own.

www.twinkl.co.uk/resource/t-t-2400-healthy-eating-meal-activity

www.bbc.co.uk/bitesize/topics/zrffr82/articles/zppvv4j

www.bbc.co.uk/bitesize/topics/zf339j6/articles/zmwvgdm

Everybody should be on a healthy diet full stop. A crash-weight-loss diet is nothing to be encouraged, but kids are bombarded with the concept - it's not new or offensive that crap diets are bad for you, make you put on weight and wreck your teeth.

Totally wrong battle to start.

Instead of trying to blame someone else/shifting the responsibility (9 year old, her parents, Covid, work hours etc ) just take some responsibility for your own daughter. It takes 2 mins a day to do some skipping with her, plan healthy meals, go for a walk at the weekend etc. You are the parent and you have admitted your DD is over weight.

Will you also ask the teacher to do a general talk on the dangers of being overweight?
It always strikes me that parents of overweight children are concerned about the damage potential of them being encouraged to lose weight but not the potential risks to their health of being overweight.

The othe child was insensitive bat best, and purposefully mean at worst. If your daughter has asked you not to broach the parent respect that (although I would have been straight on the phone). Definitely raise with school and not in a ' can you tell the whole class' kind of way. The girl needs to be a bit more aware and the teacher should be having a quiet word.

@thepeopleversuswork

Sunnydaysstillhere it is primarily our issue obviously but I think also that given the huge pressure on girls in particular to confirm to particular aesthetic norms and the wider mental health impacts that the school ought to take a position on it.

I don’t know how to go about it without appearing high handed though...

She's 9.

She politely (for a 9 year old anyway) pointed out that your overweight daughter is overweight and should probably diet when she's older.

Not what you or your DD wanted to hear I'm sure and if it had been said by an adult, would've been interfering and nasty.

But what's happened here is a child has mentioned something obvious. She won't be the first or the last so I don't think involving the teacher or the other parent is the way to go.

As others have said, just reassure your DD and try to help her lose weight for the future.

9 year olds aren't known for tact.
They will have covered healthy eating and balanced diets in school.

Unless the child has done anything else then I'd not be saying anything because I think your current reaction shows more about your hangups than anything else (eg jumping to claims a 9 year old understanding of diets must be extreme fad diets / it's obvious misogyny/ being held to silly standards etc).

The average adult in the UK is overweight. As a population we've got a warped idea of what under/overweight looks like. I'd be focusing on promoting healthy eating and an active lifestyle instead of contacting the school over one instance of a 9 year old lacking tact.

I would do neither. It doesn’t sound nasty. You can’t filter all of your child’s experiences.

@Justmuddlingalong

But there's a massive difference between eating healthily and "going on a diet". Diets are a fast road to poor body image and eating disorders and they never work in the first place. The rise in anxieties and mental problems related to this is a huge issue. That's a mature way of looking at it, but beyond most 9 year olds perspective. I think that's why she used the word "diet".

Ditto. You can't expect a 9year old to offer sensible eating advice , advise your DD about making good food choices , understand the relationship between diets , body image and eating disorders.

I think this has been a shock to you, and a bit of a wake up call to do something about your daughters weight, it can't be easy to accept that another 9year old's observation about your daughter has been the catalyst for the changes that you as the parent should have been initiating. You should be thankful to the other child for giving you the impetus to do something, not be looking to scapegoat her.

If it’s a one off unkind comment rather than actual bullying I wouldn’t do either. If it is or becomes bullying then always go to the school not the other parent. But don’t go in with a list of things for them to cover about fat shaming etc. I’d expect bullying to be dealt with in line with their anti bullying policy. For the occasional unkind comment I’d just expect a general class reminder to be kind and think about how what we say can hurt other people’s feelings.

With your DD I would just focus on the whole family eating healthily and being more active. Don’t keep junk in the house so it’s not readily available “oh dear we must’ve run out” if she asks for it. But don’t ban it entirely, so don’t stress if she’s at a friends house or you’re eating out.

I wouldn't contact anyone. The girl didn't actually do anything wrong and there's not a huge amount the school can do about something like this.

If it were me, I'd just get on with dealing with the problem in hand, which is making sure my daughter eats the right things and reaches a healthy weight. Unfortunately, once kids get a bit older and leave primary school they have a lot more freedom to eat what they want, when they want, so now is the time to influence her in the right way. It's hard growing up these days - girls are under so much more pressure with social media etc. than we were at that age.

Diet culture is misogyny.
Children’s health is not negotiable or a topic that should be viewed as a social crusade.
I’d say you need to tread carefully through this. I agree with you on damaging myths sold to women about their ‘worth’ being tied up with successful dieting and that shit has no place in schools. But - your kid being overweight is something that isn’t good for her health. You do need to work on it but your know that. FWIW unhappy people don’t lose weight no matter what they do in my opinion - she should celebrate her body for its ability to run, skip, play sport etc and have a happy time. Resilience is key!

If the teacher does a "lesson" or topic about healthy eating, diets, weight, self-image, then it is POSSIBLE that your child will feel even worse, as at present, they are an example of what not to do.

I would just let it go (regarding the child's comments) and start to work on getting your child healthy.

If the other child had not made this comment would you be doing anything about your dd’s weight ? Or has it forced you to recognise that you need to do something?

Diet culture is misogyny.

is it now.. Because no boy has ever been mocked or even bullied for being fat. Tell that to Augustus Gloop why don't you.

I am a teacher. My recommendation would be to mention it to the teacher and allow them to decide how it would be best handled. Just a short factual statement of 'name said comment to daughter. This upset her.

Going direct to parents often backfires as some parents will defend their child rather than see both sides. I would also caution against suggesting how it should be handled by the teacher as you won't necessarily be aware of other issues. It may be the first time the other girl has made a comment like this or they may have done it to other people too. A whole class approach may not reach that specific pupil as they would not link it to their own comment or it may be the right approach.

Personally I wouldn’t follow this up with the school unless the comment was repeated. It doesn’t sound like the girl was malicious in the way she said it and I do think there’s an increased focus in the media at the moment which has highlighted obesity more keenly and this may have lead to this girl’s parents perhaps discussing their own weight at home. It sounds like she’s picked it up from general conversation, especially with the ‘when you’re older’ comment.

However, if you are keen, I don’t think it would do any harm to highlight to the school that this comment has been made and perhaps a class discussion about being kind is in order. Definitely don’t bring it up with the parents.

Personally, I’m very open with my children about healthy eating and the impact being overweight can have on your health. We also discuss that children’s bodies are not like adults and are constantly growing. Often children will naturally bulk up a bit before a growth spurt for example. If they do put on a few pounds then it’s not about restrictive eating rather than eating more healthily and taking exercise and their growing body will take care of the rest.

My eldest who has just turned 12 is a competitive swimmer and went from spending 8h a week in the pool plus land training to zero exercise. I did have the discussion with him that his body wouldn’t require him to eat like he was in full training and that other exercise was probably a good idea if he wanted to keep some of his fitness. He took up running and although he did lose some of his upper body muscle, he was sensible and didn’t put on a ton of weight. He’s back in training now and eating like a horse again! He said he was pleased we discussed things back in March as he felt he didn’t feel as out of shape as he would otherwise have done.

Going direct to parents often backfires as some parents will defend their child rather than see both sides.

what would you expect parents to do though?
Dealing with bullying is one thing, but in this case I would just tell mine to avoid the child with that mother and not speak with her at all in the future to avoid any offence.

when you're older you should probably go on a diet She was quite tactful in my opinion by saying when she is older, kids that age generally aren’t as tactful!

You dont know that the teacher hasn't just had a lesson on healthy eating etc because of the amount of children that have out on weight during lockdown? Not that the teacher would have been saying "diet" probably.

Commenting negatively on someone's appearance is bullying. If it happened in the workplace, it wouldn't be acceptable.

Yes, when adults do it in the workplace it is bullying.

When 9 year olds who haven’t found their filter yet do it, it isn’t necessarily bullying.

My 11 year old is kind and sensitive to people generally, and would be really upset if she ever hurt someone’s feelings. But sometimes she can come out with stuff and she needs to be gently reminded there are more tactful ways to say what she just said, or that some things don’t need to be said. We need to stop comparing 9 year old with adults who have more life experience.

*School, always the school.

Never the parent*

Absolutely this.