Another child told my DD she should go on a diet. How should I handle with school or parent?

[thepeopleversuswork]

For background DD (9) is slightly overweight. Lockdown and the fact that I work insane hours hasn't helped but there's no dodging the fact that she should probably lose a bit of weight.

She came home yesterday saying another child in her class not a close friend but one of her peer group had said "when you're older you should probably go on a diet".

I'm privately really upset and raging that this child has presumed to do this. I told DD calmly that diets weren't a good idea and that it wasn't a great idea for children to be handing out this sort of advice and that she should disregard it but that we would work together to do some more exercise and try to eat more healthily. But I do want to tackle it either with the parent or the school.

DD has asked me not to contact the girl's mum and talk to her, which was my initial instinct. What I would like to do is to contact the teacher and suggest that she might want to talk to the whole class without singling this child out about the danger of diets and pressure on children to lose weight, in a way which is framed in the context of lockdowns etc and emphasizing exercise and healthy eating, but making clear that its not cool for kids to fat-shame other kids and maybe touching on the pressures that children are subjected to aesthetically.

I'm wary of appearing to be seen as a busybody, lecturing teachers about how to handle this when they are clearly dealing with a huge amount of more urgent priorities. And I don't want to be a diva about it.

But I also think it needs to be tackled. What would be the most constructive thing to do?

But there's a massive difference between eating healthily and "going on a diet". Diets are a fast road to poor body image and eating disorders and they never work in the first place. The rise in anxieties and mental problems related to this is a huge issue.
That's a mature way of looking at it, but beyond most 9 year olds perspective. I think that's why she used the word "diet".

Ffs people. It doesn't matter what size anyone is. I'm so sick of other people's shitty parenting having an effect on other kids. Talk of diets is harmful. It could also be construed as bullying. There are loads of wonderful accounts on Instagram that will help you support your child. School would be my first instinct but they tend to be led by the NHS which isn't exactly inclusive. I don't know OP. I agree it feels like someone should know and it isn't ok.

‘She sounds like a nasty little bitch who will grow into an even bigger bully! ’

What a vile thing to say about a 9 year old.

I wouldn’t be making a big fuss about this to be honest . The other child was unkind and your child knows not to behave in the same way .You seem to be indicating that your daughter is overweight and you know it needs addressing- so address it and your daughter won’t be in the same position again.

Interesting how your initial thought is how to complain.
I'd tell dd that lots of adults do go on diets
By your own admission she is overweight, you are in charge, watch what she eats ffs.
Instead of looking to blame a child, look to yourself.

Definitely contact the school. She sounds like a nasty little bitch who will grow into an even bigger bully!

A bit of a stretch. She made one comment by the sounds of it and it doesn't sound like it's bullying rather than a throw away tactless comment from a 9 year old.

I remember the first time I wore my glasses and DC said 'EW TAKE THEM OFF'.

They aren't a 'nasty little bitch' though. Just a child who sometimes says tactless things which can come across as cruel but that they haven't really thought about.

My personal view is that if parents are telling their kids to go on a diet or even discussing the idea of diets around them they are on a dangerous road.

from someone whose child is already overweight you are in no position to comment on what other parents do.

I have the right not to have my kid exposed to damaging ideas about diets from other 9 year olds.
you cannot censor what other children say or discuss! What's your solution? banning other parents from mentioning the word "diet" in front of their children? It's ridiculous.

You cannot stop your child from being exposed to other opinions, other views, and totally different parenting.

Diets are a fast road to poor body image and eating disorders and they never work in the first place

Unless she recommended a cabbage soup diet, I think you are being very dramatic.

I think 9 is old enough to know not to make personal comments on others' appearances, tbh. Tell your DD to tell anyone who tells her that she's fat that at least she's not rude enough to make personal comments.

Then deal with the issues so she doesn't have to face such comments in the first place. Children that age are not responsible for controlling their own weight and making healthy choices, the adults around them need to make those choices on their behalf.

Glitteryone
you are projecting dear. No need to be so rude and abusive against a 9 year old.

Ah I think your idea is perfect. The teacher definitely is the right person to call this out. If I was a teacher and a parent came to me I'd do absolutely the same thing. When I was 12 the boys in my class used to always comment on my lovely friends chunky legs. She still covers them up now we're nearly 30 at hen do's etc. She also had a severe eating disorder and was hospitalised after a couple of months of comments like that. Please do say something, so many children come.from households where their parents dont teach them about hurting other peoples feelings and keeping personal comments to themselves. If the teacher speaks to all of them as a general discussion nobody feels picked on & the child who made the comment wont do it again.

It clearly wasn't bullying, merely factual

So? There's lots of factual things you could say to people that aren't acceptable and you shouldn't say. For example, if you see someone who has acne, well that's a fact, but you wouldn't comment on it would you,?

In contrast to most of these replies I probably would send an email to school. A bit of a reminder about unkind comments wouldn't go amiss. I have a 9 year old dd who absolutley would know that would be an unkind thing to say. If she had said that to another child I would want to know so that I could discuss it with her, although you will know best what kind of parent you are dealing with. I hope your daughter can shake it off and not be too upset.

Massive over reaction there op 🙄

Folks, being fat or the parent of a fat person isn't a crime. She is very much within her rights to question the harmful and uneducated remarks of a child who's family are clearly pedalling bollocks about diets.

@Glitteryone

Definitely contact the school. She sounds like a nasty little bitch who will grow into an even bigger bully!

You're talking about a 9 year old, I don't think the child is the nasty little bitch here.

@Devlesko

Interesting how your initial thought is how to complain. I'd tell dd that lots of adults do go on diets By your own admission she is overweight, you are in charge, watch what she eats ffs. Instead of looking to blame a child, look to yourself.

Lots of adults do go on diets, yes. And they don't work.

Yet again I will say I will look to myself and I will take responsibility for her losing weight. I'll say it until I'm blue in the face. But I also think children being told to go on a diet is not great. Even by other kids.

I really don't want another kid filling her head with ideas that she needs to start feeling anxious about her weight and I don't think that wanting to have this debate with the school in unreasonable. My personal view is that if parents are telling their kids to go on a diet or even discussing the idea of diets around them they are on a dangerous road.

It's really tough as that is the water we swim in. We can't control how other people raise their kids and we can't protect kids from every comment. I got a lot of bullying and comments at school so I understand how it can damage. Obviously any bullying should be dealt with but I think instilling confidence and self esteem is vital because she is always going to come across people who think they can comment on her body and make rude comments. Being able to deal with them and brush them away is a good skill.

Yabu.
Educate your daughter on health, food and exercise. It’s not up to you to police another child.
At 9, she was stating a fact, however tactful or not.
FWIW I’ve never know an overweight child not grow into an overweight adult

I think you’re getting a little carried away OP and are coming across unreasonably defensive towards posters here and also around the little girl at the school. I know you won’t like it, but the language you’re using is a little silly in this context.

You can’t control other people’s values and how close they come to your child. She’s out in the world and she’s going to come up against people who don’t share the family values - that’s just life and there is absolutely nothing to be gained from trying to protect your child from everything you don’t agree with. It’s a battle you’ll never win and you’ll waste so much energy on it.

I agree with posters that it’s your responsibility to correct any issues with your child’s health. You’ve asked for how to tackle it and have received a resounding plea to deal with the weight gain and instil confidence in your child, while saying nothing to the school or the other parents. What other kids say, do, think and feel just isn’t within your control.

All the best to you. This has been a difficult time for us all and I hope that aside from this, your child is enjoying being back at school.

@Glitteryone

Definitely contact the school. She sounds like a nasty little bitch who will grow into an even bigger bully!

Kids learn this at home. It is learnt behaviour. When my eldest daughter was 8 she had the loveliest teacher in the school. She would be a UK size 18-20 at a guess, so yes she is a larger lady. My DD came home one day and said that when the teacher left the room to go to the staff room for break, one of the girls said ‘I bet Mrs XXX is so far because she eats all the biscuits in the staff room’ and one of the other girls replied ‘yes, my mummy told me that I mustn’t eat too many sweets or I will end up like Mrs XXX’

This comment is getting flamed but it's true. Children are more switched on than you think. If they know it would be a rude thing to say to an adult and I'm guessing this child wouldnt say it to a teacher, don't say it to another child. There's no need. She's learned that fat is something to notice and mention to someone to make them feel bad. Garuntee it was intended to hurt the ops child's feelings.

I really don't want another kid filling her head with ideas that she needs to start feeling anxious about her weight and I don't think that wanting to have this debate with the school in unreasonable. My personal view is that if parents are telling their kids to go on a diet or even discussing the idea of diets around them they are on a dangerous road.

They may well be, but you’re up against a multi-billion dollar industry which has infiltrated common language and social discourse. Much better to teach your daughter how to deal with inappropriate comments and to challenge prevailing opinion, and how to deal with personal comments than to try and challenge a whole diet obsessed society.

You can influence how your daughter behaves and how she feels about herself, the rest is out of your control. In all honesty if parents are discussing diets and telling their kids to loose weight (or making them think it ok to tell other people that they’re fat), 20 minutes of a chat from a teacher will have exactly no impact.

@Snufkins

‘Slightly overweight’ in your eyes might be bigger in someone else’s. 9 year olds lack tact. Rather than looking for someone to blame perhaps take it as a push to adopt a healthier lifestyle.

This.

Context is everything though. One of my daughter's friends called her fat, and I was freaking out (quietly) about it. Then, on further questioning, it transpired that my daughter had been wearing a thick hoodie under a coat in class, as she was cold. The girl had said that the combination made her look fat. I always tell my daughter that making comments about people's bodies is rude (I don't want her to think that fat is 'bad' or an insult), so we had a brief discussion about that, and that was all.

I wouldn't say anything, to be honest. You don't want to escalate the incident in your daughter's mind. I always ask my daughter if she wants me to get involved (she's had some trouble with a classmate), or if she can handle it herself. So far, she's always opted to handle situations herself, but she knows I am there if need be.

@formerbabe

It clearly wasn't bullying, merely factual

So? There's lots of factual things you could say to people that aren't acceptable and you shouldn't say. For example, if you see someone who has acne, well that's a fact, but you wouldn't comment on it would you,?

at worst, you can call it rude. It's very unhelpful to jump onto the "bullying" card. First it's not, and more importantly it weakens actual cases of bullying.

Parents need to teach their children manners, but at the same time they need to teach them resilience. People say things you don't like. Just ignore them, don't start whining to the school or the DM about it.