Another child told my DD she should go on a diet. How should I handle with school or parent?

[thepeopleversuswork]

For background DD (9) is slightly overweight. Lockdown and the fact that I work insane hours hasn't helped but there's no dodging the fact that she should probably lose a bit of weight.

She came home yesterday saying another child in her class not a close friend but one of her peer group had said "when you're older you should probably go on a diet".

I'm privately really upset and raging that this child has presumed to do this. I told DD calmly that diets weren't a good idea and that it wasn't a great idea for children to be handing out this sort of advice and that she should disregard it but that we would work together to do some more exercise and try to eat more healthily. But I do want to tackle it either with the parent or the school.

DD has asked me not to contact the girl's mum and talk to her, which was my initial instinct. What I would like to do is to contact the teacher and suggest that she might want to talk to the whole class without singling this child out about the danger of diets and pressure on children to lose weight, in a way which is framed in the context of lockdowns etc and emphasizing exercise and healthy eating, but making clear that its not cool for kids to fat-shame other kids and maybe touching on the pressures that children are subjected to aesthetically.

I'm wary of appearing to be seen as a busybody, lecturing teachers about how to handle this when they are clearly dealing with a huge amount of more urgent priorities. And I don't want to be a diva about it.

But I also think it needs to be tackled. What would be the most constructive thing to do?

9 year olds do not need to go on diets ffs. That way disordered eating ...

@ktp100

I bet that girl got that from home. It always amazes me how many people openly shame overweight people in front of their kids. It's disgraceful.

Speak to the school and ask them to intervene BUT please don't encourage the teacher to speak to the whole class about weight and diets - your daughter could be mortified and it may make the situation worse by bringing her to the attention of others.

Shower her with love and do make that plan for being more active and healthy moving forward.x.

It's just as likely she got it from the school. Children are taught a lot about healthy eating and exercise now.

MyShinyWhuteTeeth I’m sure she didn’t consciously set out to “fat shame”. But clearly she is growing up in an environment where girls are put under pressure to conform to these sorts of standards.

I acknowledge that my DD is overweight and I am prepared to tackle it but I don’t want her to subjected to that sort of comment which is basically learned misogyny. I don’t want those sorts of values anywhere near her.

And I think the school needs to be on the case with this. Body image is a huge huge problem for young girls now. They need to be taught how much damage diets do and how badly that sort of discourse damages their self esteem.

I think the best thing you can do is deal with your DD’s weight.

Put your efforts into her diet (ie what she eats, not a regimen) and exercise.

This has nothing whatsoever to do with school.

The other girl wasn’t wrong, was she?

Id hope they're not taught to say to people "go on a diet ' at school. That really is awful.

Yeah, really. There are days where prime time telly is wall to wall with diet programmes and it's hardly surprising some children absorb the message without the skill set of an adult to regurgitate that knowledge tactfully.

I think I know how this thread will go. IM not sure OP you will get support or intelligent conversation but the crap that seems acceptable on here re eating.

I will bow out now!

You’re running away with yourself with talk of misogyny and body image problems and self esteem and the damage of diets etc.

Just calm down. Fix your DD’s weight through a better diet and structure (YOUR job as her parent, nobody else’s). Don’t make a moral crusade out of this.

I wouldn't do either at this point. If it happens again speak to school but in the interim it is your responsibility to ensure your family have a healthy diet, there's no excuses and I say this as someone who needs to loose around 30lbs. Kids should not be fat shamed or bullied but the teacher talking to the whole class would make it worse as they will all know what it's about. We shouldn't be normalising being overweight either.

As for your dd, if she eats a sensible diet she will slim down as she grows but it's down to you to ensure she isn't eating too much (this is the commonest cause of weight gain, not junk food). Best of luck, it's not easy but be assured it combined with exercise works, my dd has gone from a bit overweight at 10 to super fit, toned at 18 running half marathons!

@PineappleUpsideDownCake

Id hope they're not taught to say to people "go on a diet ' at school. That really is awful.

You think teachers would teach this? ‘Have a healthy diet’ is more likely.

Body image is a huge huge problem for young girls now. They need to be taught how much damage diets do and how badly that sort of discourse damages their self esteem.

This is true OP. But I learned all about the destructive nature of diets, nutrition, and how to have a good relationship with food from my mum. Why does the school have to teach it?

Neither.

Who would you run to if a kid in the park said it?

People will say things to your children and the best thing you can do is give them the tools to deal with it themselves, knowing when and when not to run to someone about it.

I agree with pps. At 9 this girl has done nothing wrong. You talk about the pressure to conform to a certain aesthetic but in schools there is a lot of emphasis on health and fitness. You don’t know if the girl was concerned about health or looks when she spoke to your daughter.
I think you are perhaps misplacing anxiety about your daughter’s weight onto this girl and maybe this Incident has given you a bit of an unpleasant realisation that you need to do something. Talk about health, talk about having strong bodies and good immune systems and good levels of energy. Talk not only of diet and exercise but of the importance of good sleep and ways to look after mental health too. Treat it as setting up good lifestyle habits and making healthy choices in all areas.

Was it said maliciously or factually? 9 year olds aren't usually great at being diplomatic. If, as you say, your daughter is overweight, then perhaps the girl just said it like it is? Perhaps they had been learning about healthy bodies and the girl knows that it's unhealthy to be overweight and commented as a result of that, but without malice. If she was being malicious and teasing / mocking her, then that's different of course.

I'd approach the teacher and say what had happened and that your daughter was upset. Maybe the teacher could work on teaching children that it's impolite to comment on somebody's appearance, even if what they say is true.

But clearly she is growing up in an environment where girls are put under pressure to conform to these sorts of standards.

what standards? Not being overweight?

Most school police pack lunch and all kids must have heard about healthy diet by now. The other child did nothing wrong, just being blunt, there was no joke, no bullying, no "fat shaming"

By 9 most kids hear a lot of "no junk food everyday", "no fizzy drink", "no sugar", "no crips", "no snacks", eat your greens...it's normal. It's not being on a diet, it's learning about healthy food and portion control which means never having to go on a diet when they get older!

@ARoseInHarlem

You’re running away with yourself with talk of misogyny and body image problems and self esteem and the damage of diets etc.

Just calm down. Fix your DD’s weight through a better diet and structure (YOUR job as her parent, nobody else’s). Don’t make a moral crusade out of this.

This

Calling the fat kid "fat" isn't misogyny. That's not what misogyny means.

Don't go to the school, don't speak to the parents. You've already said your child is overweight. The other girl didn't shout "oi fatty", isn't making beeping noises when she walks backwards, hasn't slapped a "wide load" sticker on her arse. She isn't taking her lunch off her or telling other kids not to speak to the fat kid. She didnt call her lazy or disgusting. She said that when she's older she should go on a diet. Controlling your child's weight is your job as a parent. If you don't do your job as a parent then the little girl is right - when your daughter is older she should probably go on a diet. For health reasons. To be clear. I'm not a misogynist.

I’d leave it tbh and support your daughter to understand that people have opinions and don’t always share those opinions tactfully or helpfully. My DD is 9 and stick thin, one of the girls in her class pointed to the tops of her thighs and said she was fat - she’s not remotely fat. We chatted about healthy body weight and that we all have a bit of fat in places but that she’s very active and healthy. I also encouraged my daughter to ignore people who make personal comments or to tell them to back off.

I take the view that she’ll have a lifetime of people thinking it’s ok to comment on her appearance and way of living so better she learns to be kind herself and to bat off comments from others. The school will cover healthy body image over the course anyway, so I’d leave them to get on with that and help my girl stand her ground where need be.

...but that we would work together to do some more exercise and try to eat more healthily

So you basically did the same as the 9 year old.

(Don't get me wrong, I do agree that it's a good idea to eat healthily and do more exercise!)

School will cover physical wellbeing including the benefits of healthy eating and exercise in the course of their normal classes.

Just focus on reinforcing healthy habits for body and mind at home.

I think nine is old enough to know not to make comments about people’s appearances.

I would have a word with school but to ask them to have a general chat with the class about commenting on the way people look rather than complaining about the individual child.

You definitely need to support your daughter in getting healthy though. She is going to get comments however hard you try to shield her from them. Don’t set her up for a lifetime of it by focusing on the wrong thing here.

It would be interesting to know what weight & height your 9 yr old daughter is. Also is she beginning puberty? If she is then many girls put on a little bit of weight before shooting upwards. My ds 11 put on some lockdown weight. He was just on the cusp of ok/overweight. (NHS bmi child chart) He knew he had put it on & is now back doing sport again & those extra pounds have started to come off. I would not say anything to school but help your daughter to exercise more & eat more healthily. As long as she knows to be kind to others & has the lovely open relationship she has with you where she can tell you her problems she should be fine.

I was a fat kid and to be honest I'm not sure that getting the teacher to talk about fat shaming is going to help. It might even make things worse as suddenly everyone is going to be focusing on the overweight kid.

I would build up your child at home, encourage exercise, don't demonise foods but encourage healthy options.

Commenting negatively on someone's appearance is bullying. If it happened in the workplace, it wouldn't be acceptable.