Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Another child told my DD she should go on a diet. How should I handle with school or parent?

331 replies

thepeopleversuswork · 08/10/2020 15:58

For background DD (9) is slightly overweight. Lockdown and the fact that I work insane hours hasn't helped but there's no dodging the fact that she should probably lose a bit of weight.

She came home yesterday saying another child in her class not a close friend but one of her peer group had said "when you're older you should probably go on a diet".

I'm privately really upset and raging that this child has presumed to do this. I told DD calmly that diets weren't a good idea and that it wasn't a great idea for children to be handing out this sort of advice and that she should disregard it but that we would work together to do some more exercise and try to eat more healthily. But I do want to tackle it either with the parent or the school.

DD has asked me not to contact the girl's mum and talk to her, which was my initial instinct. What I would like to do is to contact the teacher and suggest that she might want to talk to the whole class without singling this child out about the danger of diets and pressure on children to lose weight, in a way which is framed in the context of lockdowns etc and emphasizing exercise and healthy eating, but making clear that its not cool for kids to fat-shame other kids and maybe touching on the pressures that children are subjected to aesthetically.

I'm wary of appearing to be seen as a busybody, lecturing teachers about how to handle this when they are clearly dealing with a huge amount of more urgent priorities. And I don't want to be a diva about it.

But I also think it needs to be tackled. What would be the most constructive thing to do?

OP posts:
feelingverylazytoday · 08/10/2020 16:32

You're really overthinking this, OP. Being overweight is a health issue, not a feminist one. What would your response have been if this were two boys?

DameMargaretofChalfont · 08/10/2020 16:33

As if teachers don't have enough to contend with!!!

Leave it.
Just leave it.

This is an issue for you and your DD to tackle - a whole class approach is totally unnecessary, and you are being totally unreasonable.

Overhaul your meal plans, encourage DD to move a bit more and the weight will come off .

ComicePear · 08/10/2020 16:33

You can follow up with the school if you like, but the really important thing here is how YOU handle it with your DD. Whatever message she absorbs from the 10 or 20 minutes the school might spend on this is nothing compared to the influence you can have on her future relationship with food.

missingeu · 08/10/2020 16:34

The most constructive thing to do is to empower your daughter with good postitive body image.

There are always going to be comments made whatever their appearence - give her the confidence to ignore them.

ZezetteEpouseX · 08/10/2020 16:34

about the danger of diets and pressure on children to lose weight,

its horrifying that this would ever need to be discussed, no child should ever be put in such a position and need to "lose weight" in the first place!

Countries like the UK have never been put on a strict lockdown, that cannot be used as an excuse for over-feeding a child and messing them up for the long term.

peaceanddove · 08/10/2020 16:34

I think you're actually feeling very guilty that you have allowed your DD to become overweight, and are looking to displace that guilt by blaming the school, the other child and, what was it, 'learned misogyny'?

You're trying to wrap it up in righteous indignation, but actually you need to put your energy into helping your daughter reach a healthy weight again. Absolutely no need to involve the school, they will already run numerous lessons on nutrition and 'being kind'. And don't contact the other child's Mum, it would be social suicide for your DD if you do that.

I heartily advocate always fighting your child's corner, but only fighting it if it actually benefits your child and genuinely supports them. Don't do it just to assuage your own guilt.

Thirtyrock39 · 08/10/2020 16:34

Sadly there is a lot more problems in terms of obesity than body image - a third of primary school kids are overweight in year six it is VERY rare that children in year six are underweight. We have become a bit obsessed as a society with weight but that's due to the impact it has on health. Also this will sound cruel but our norms of a healthy weight are usually pretty skewed now due to there being so many overweight kids and adults. Kids that we see as 'skinny' are usually pretty average in terms of what is healthy. It is unkind from the other child but it's not easy for school to tackle without drawing more attention to it. Kids will always find something to comment on negatively.

DameMargaretofChalfont · 08/10/2020 16:35

@formerbabe

Commenting negatively on someone's appearance is bullying. If it happened in the workplace, it wouldn't be acceptable.
FFS!!! The Snowflake Generation is here!!

So if I get my hair cut and my colleague say's the preferred it as it was before then that's bullying Hmm

CaptainMyCaptain · 08/10/2020 16:35

@Justmuddlingalong

I would do neither tbh.
Same here. Children are not always tactful. The other girl was probably trying to be helpful although I can understand why your daughter was upset.
ZezetteEpouseX · 08/10/2020 16:36

@formerbabe

Commenting negatively on someone's appearance is bullying. If it happened in the workplace, it wouldn't be acceptable.
what was the context? You don't even know it.

It clearly wasn't bullying, merely factual. In the workplace, adults have to be politically correct and pretend not to see issues, but 9 year old kids Hmm

PullAPi · 08/10/2020 16:37

I honestly wouldn't do anything in this situation (not in regards to the school anyway).

Support your daughter at home and help her to lose weight if she does need to.

Sometimes kids say cruel things. It can't be avoided or fixed all of the time. From what it sounds in your OP, this wasn't a bullying type of situation, more like a one off comment. I understand it would have been hurtful for your DD but I don't think it warrants a huge deal being made out of it.

ZezetteEpouseX · 08/10/2020 16:37

So if I get my hair cut and my colleague say's the preferred it as it was before then that's bullying

Especially coming from someone a tiny bit senior, yes...
You do find some special snowflakes in the work place that are genuinely as bad as that.

AryaStarkWolf · 08/10/2020 16:38

9 year olds can be cruel, I think unless it becomes a regular thing from this girl I would let it go, they're young they say tactless things sometimes

Pacif1cDogwood · 08/10/2020 16:38

Talk to your DD about being kind to others without calling out the other child.

The school has nothing to do with this event.

Tackle your child's weight as you have proposed (keep her weight steady and allow her to grow in height).

Don't give this event more air than it deserves by taking it further.

thepeopleversuswork · 08/10/2020 16:38

I think some of you are missing the point... I take on the chin that my DD is overweight and that its my job to fix it. I'm not denying that.

But there's a massive difference between eating healthily and "going on a diet". Diets are a fast road to poor body image and eating disorders and they never work in the first place. The rise in anxieties and mental problems related to this is a huge issue.

I'm perfectly prepared to have a conversation with my DD about healthier eating and exercise and to try to deal with the weight issue.

I really don't want another kid filling her head with ideas that she needs to start feeling anxious about her weight and I don't think that wanting to have this debate with the school in unreasonable. My personal view is that if parents are telling their kids to go on a diet or even discussing the idea of diets around them they are on a dangerous road.

That doesn't mean I let myself off the hook with this -- clearly she needs to lose some weight. But I do think I have the right not to have my kid exposed to damaging ideas about diets from other 9 year olds. It may not be "bullying" but its damaging.

I just wanted a bit of advice about how to raise this.

OP posts:
PullAPi · 08/10/2020 16:38

And you can't really compare a workplace with a school. Adults and children are not comparable.

loulouljh · 08/10/2020 16:40

I wouldn't do anything re the other child..she was pointing out in a not very tactful way (as is the way of 9 year olds!) that your daughter is over weight. I would tackle the weight issue in a sensitive way...

Emeraldshamrock · 08/10/2020 16:40

I'd mention it to the school.
Kids can be cruel.

zoemum2006 · 08/10/2020 16:40

Sorry OP but it’s life. The modern world is designed to make us fat: food manufacturers pump their products full of sugar. Many of us a spent a lifetime battling an unnatural environment that is literally designed to make us addicted to it.

EachPeachPearSums · 08/10/2020 16:40

Overweight children do need to go on a diet. A diet is a change in eating to a more healthy way. If your child is overweight I'd focus on sorting that for her rather this other kid. It doesn't sound like this child was trying to be cruel but she won't be the last one to comment.

Swallowzandamazons · 08/10/2020 16:40

At 9 years old, there's a very good chance she'll be due a growth spurt soon. Why not speak with her about maintaining the weight she is and allowing her natural height to catch up with it? Healthy eating in the appropriate quantities and a nice level of activity will probably be enough to do the trick. But - I'd also make sure she understands that people come in all shapes and sizes. Obviously being overweight or obese has health implications, but not everyone can be slender. Some people are just stockier than others. It's okay to not fit the cookie cutter, as long as she's within healthy guidelines for weight and activity.

thepeopleversuswork · 08/10/2020 16:40

@peaceanddove

I think you're actually feeling very guilty that you have allowed your DD to become overweight, and are looking to displace that guilt by blaming the school, the other child and, what was it, 'learned misogyny'?

You're trying to wrap it up in righteous indignation, but actually you need to put your energy into helping your daughter reach a healthy weight again. Absolutely no need to involve the school, they will already run numerous lessons on nutrition and 'being kind'. And don't contact the other child's Mum, it would be social suicide for your DD if you do that.

I heartily advocate always fighting your child's corner, but only fighting it if it actually benefits your child and genuinely supports them. Don't do it just to assuage your own guilt.

Thanks for the armchair diagnosis. Not quite was I looking for. I'll know to come to you next time I'm in difficulty.
OP posts:
Glitteryone · 08/10/2020 16:41

Definitely contact the school. She sounds like a nasty little bitch who will grow into an even bigger bully!

Kids learn this at home. It is learnt behaviour. When my eldest daughter was 8 she had the loveliest teacher in the school. She would be a UK size 18-20 at a guess, so yes she is a larger lady. My DD came home one day and said that when the teacher left the room to go to the staff room for break, one of the girls said ‘I bet Mrs XXX is so far because she eats all the biscuits in the staff room’ and one of the other girls replied ‘yes, my mummy told me that I mustn’t eat too many sweets or I will end up like Mrs XXX’

zoemum2006 · 08/10/2020 16:41

Best to work with your DD learning to cook with whole ingredients.

Thirtyrock39 · 08/10/2020 16:42

Come on op these are 9 year olds - by saying 'diet' she would have meant 'lose weight' which you have admitted your daughter needs to do. I don't think you can expect school to have a complex debate with a class of year 5s about the use of the word 'diet'.