Another child told my DD she should go on a diet. How should I handle with school or parent?

[thepeopleversuswork]

For background DD (9) is slightly overweight. Lockdown and the fact that I work insane hours hasn't helped but there's no dodging the fact that she should probably lose a bit of weight.

She came home yesterday saying another child in her class not a close friend but one of her peer group had said "when you're older you should probably go on a diet".

I'm privately really upset and raging that this child has presumed to do this. I told DD calmly that diets weren't a good idea and that it wasn't a great idea for children to be handing out this sort of advice and that she should disregard it but that we would work together to do some more exercise and try to eat more healthily. But I do want to tackle it either with the parent or the school.

DD has asked me not to contact the girl's mum and talk to her, which was my initial instinct. What I would like to do is to contact the teacher and suggest that she might want to talk to the whole class without singling this child out about the danger of diets and pressure on children to lose weight, in a way which is framed in the context of lockdowns etc and emphasizing exercise and healthy eating, but making clear that its not cool for kids to fat-shame other kids and maybe touching on the pressures that children are subjected to aesthetically.

I'm wary of appearing to be seen as a busybody, lecturing teachers about how to handle this when they are clearly dealing with a huge amount of more urgent priorities. And I don't want to be a diva about it.

But I also think it needs to be tackled. What would be the most constructive thing to do?

@BusyBB

You dont know that the teacher hasn't just had a lesson on healthy eating etc because of the amount of children that have out on weight during lockdown? Not that the teacher would have been saying "diet" probably.

This reminded me that DS2 had a topic about ‘being kind’ right at the beginning of term. Maybe that was why? IME teachers are usually several steps ahead when it comes to these things!

Thanks to all of you for your comments and suggestions particularly around whether to engage with the school.

I'm inclined not to do this based on what you've said.

And thanks to those of you who have been sensitive about this.

As a previously overweight 9 year old girl please help your daughter get back to a healthy weight. She can't do it alone. You are responsible for her.

How old are they? Are they old enough to be aware of hurt feelings around discussing weight? The national curriculum includes the PSHE topic of Healthy Lifestyles. We teach children about exercise, the eat well guide, good sleep and mental wellbeing. The children discuss what happens to their bodies if they eat too much or the wrong foods, don’t exercise, don’t get enough sleep etc. The other child wasn’t wrong but was socially insensitive which could be attributed to her age. I would leave it and address the issue unless your DD feels it’s more than a one off comment or that it was said with the intention of causing harm.

I don’t see why you are so keen on punishing a 9 year for a comment for an issue which you need to do something about. Someone I know told me they had been hauled into school for a comment her daughter made about another child being fat. She waited until the teacher finished and said “The girl is fat, she is unhealthy so maybe her mother should worry more about that instead of getting you to waste my time on this.” Brutal but I could see where she was coming from.

It's terrible as a parent to feel that your child has been hurt; and even worse when deep down you think it's your fault. There are a whole range of emotions and often they are easier to deal with if you let them out as anger.
But the actual key point here is that, as you accept, your DD is overweight. Whilst there are certainly lots of problems around mental health and eating disorders, the problem of children being overweight is far greater in terms of the lifetime risks to health.
Children are really tactless and rude - and frankly pretty nasty some times - but in this instance the real issue is that you must try to help your child to get to a normal weight through healthy eating and exercise. Sorry. I know that's probably really hard to hear when you're hurting for your DD. But in years to come, your DD will thank you for ensuring that she is a healthy weight.

Lots of adults do go on diets, yes. And they don't work

Healthy eating, in moderation, combined with exercise, will keep you a healthy weight. How is that not a diet working?

You may mean fad diets don't work, but I consciously eat less crap than I like, so I'm on a diet that works.

@ZezetteEpouseX

Diet culture is misogyny.

is it now.. Because no boy has ever been mocked or even bullied for being fat. Tell that to Augustus Gloop why don't you.

It doesn't think that means boys and men don't get bullied for being fat. Social media has also put more pressure on young men but the diet industry is still very much more focused on women. Diet plans, magazines, clubs are all women centric. The overweight men in the media who get commented on and mocked are typically at a much higher weight than women who get mocked.

I don't know what the big deal is about telling girls to lose weight if they are overweight. Most often it's because their diet is crap and they don't do any exercise. It only becomes an issue if you turn it into an issue.

I would have been grateful if my earring habits were tackled as a child. But I also know it's not easy as my daughter is the only one not having a healthy diet because she buys herself crap on her walk home

I think you've made the right decision OP.

Kids can, and will, be even more cruel than that. I think the focus needs to be on teaching DC how to deal with personal criticism. If you manage it, let me know!

Absolutely tell the school! I’m a teacher and would very upset if one of my pupils spoke to another like that. It’s never ok to tell someone to go on a diet, unless you’re a doctor. The whole class needs to be taught that it’s not ok to say anything about anyone else’s body, whether that size, colour etc

@thepeopleversuswork I think you are massively projecting. At 9 years old, the word diet is most likely to be used as watching what you eat and making healthy choices. You are attaching all of your experience of what a diet means and thinking the children have the same understanding. They don’t. They will have a much simpler and more ‘innocent’ understanding of the world and very little experience of the pressure to meet certain aesthetic expectations at this age. I’m not saying it doesn’t happen at all and there will be some children but it will be very rare. I have been in education for 16 years and know very few 9 year olds who have worried about their weight.

Kindly, you seem to have worked yourself into an unnecessary spin.
The good thing is that this a happened and it’s given you the kick start you needed to help your daughter out before she gets to an age where it could be a real problem.

thedailymile.co.uk/
Ask your school about this- it works!

This is for you to deal with at home.

Schools already teach about healthy diets and good nutrition but it's up to parents to put this into practice at home.

I don’t think you should be jumping to the conclusion that the girl is being raised with misogynistic body image issues. I think diets are a large enough part of culture that children know about them even if their parents aren’t talking about them at home. Lots of children’s TV shows, films and books feature overweight characters going on diets (the Harry Potter book we’ve just finished at home had Harry’s overweight cousin being put on a diet by his parents) and I can just as well imagine a boy saying it to another boy at that age.

By all means tell your daughter that the other girl was wrong because diets don’t work and healthy eating / moving more does. But don’t make assumptions about her home life based on a single comment.

If that's the worst thing anyone ever says to her she'll be a lucky girl OP.

@FubsyRambler

‘She sounds like a nasty little bitch who will grow into an even bigger bully! ’

What a vile thing to say about a 9 year old.

Quite. Defining this as bullying is insane. I was bullied as a child. This doesn’t even get to the starting blocks.

@ARoseInHarlem

You’re running away with yourself with talk of misogyny and body image problems and self esteem and the damage of diets etc.

Just calm down. Fix your DD’s weight through a better diet and structure (YOUR job as her parent, nobody else’s). Don’t make a moral crusade out of this.

Also agree. I don’t think the 9 year old who mentioned it had any malice. It’s not up to the teachers to be telling your child about diet and weight, surely that’s down to each parent and their own tolerance? My idea of whether my child is ‘over weight’ and yours may be different.

You admit your child needs to lose weight, the other child seems to have said quite politely that she should think about a diet when she is older. I think she is correct, other than you maybe need to think about it now (don’t have to label it as a diet though). I don’t think there is anything to take up with either school or her parent.

t doesn't think that means boys and men don't get bullied for being fat. Social media has also put more pressure on young men but the diet industry is still very much more focused on women. Diet plans, magazines, clubs are all women centric. The overweight men in the media who get commented on and mocked are typically at a much higher weight than women who get mocked.

it only means that men are very reluctant and embarrassed to make their weight-loss diet "public". Men are just as ridiculed as women - I remember reading about Prince Harry having put on " a belly" and the man was never anywhere near fat.
Speak with any health professional and the male clientele is just as big as the woman's one. The diet industry is just as strong, if not more, but just different. Men magazine are equally about losing fat and gaining muscle!

@thepeopleversuswork

I think some of you are missing the point... I take on the chin that my DD is overweight and that its my job to fix it. I'm not denying that.

But there's a massive difference between eating healthily and "going on a diet". Diets are a fast road to poor body image and eating disorders and they never work in the first place. The rise in anxieties and mental problems related to this is a huge issue.

I'm perfectly prepared to have a conversation with my DD about healthier eating and exercise and to try to deal with the weight issue.

I really don't want another kid filling her head with ideas that she needs to start feeling anxious about her weight and I don't think that wanting to have this debate with the school in unreasonable. My personal view is that if parents are telling their kids to go on a diet or even discussing the idea of diets around them they are on a dangerous road.

That doesn't mean I let myself off the hook with this -- clearly she needs to lose some weight. But I do think I have the right not to have my kid exposed to damaging ideas about diets from other 9 year olds. It may not be "bullying" but its damaging.

I just wanted a bit of advice about how to raise this.

You don't need to 'raise' anything. Just grow the fuck up, accept that you're overfeeding your kid and move on. There's no issue here, and other people aren't going to pretend there is just to resolve you of your resposibility.

Well, I see your point. However, this other child was 9. Still a child! I think that you are being unreasonable to be raging at a child for their directness, albeit not nastiness. And of course you shouldn't call her mother up. Neither would I contact the school unless this was bullying. Would it have made a difference had the child said that she needed to lose weight, rather than have used the 'd' word? I doubt it. And what's the difference between a diet and a healthy eating plan in any respect? Both involve a reduction in calories (whether they count them or not) and most mainstream 'diets' do tend to focus on healthy balanced eating today. Now is the right time to address it. Because once she starts secondary school it is unlikely that she will face just one blunt observation from another child.

I would speak to the teacher, that your dd's friend has commented on her appearance and she feels hurt. It's not too young to learn commenting on other people's appearance is rude at 9. Probably better not to single out the child but ask teacher to have a whole class talk about this.
My friend's dd had same at this age. And she was deeply hurt. Of course if you think your dd is slightly overweight, you may need to do something at home, but it's totally different matter to someone at school she needs to go on a diet.

Sounds like the girl was being honest. Deal with it (and more importantly your daughter’s weight issue) at home.

If she remains overweight she has years of these comments ahead of her I’m afraid. I’ve been there.

They are 9. I think you are more upset as you realise there is truth to the comment.