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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Another child told my DD she should go on a diet. How should I handle with school or parent?

331 replies

thepeopleversuswork · 08/10/2020 15:58

For background DD (9) is slightly overweight. Lockdown and the fact that I work insane hours hasn't helped but there's no dodging the fact that she should probably lose a bit of weight.

She came home yesterday saying another child in her class not a close friend but one of her peer group had said "when you're older you should probably go on a diet".

I'm privately really upset and raging that this child has presumed to do this. I told DD calmly that diets weren't a good idea and that it wasn't a great idea for children to be handing out this sort of advice and that she should disregard it but that we would work together to do some more exercise and try to eat more healthily. But I do want to tackle it either with the parent or the school.

DD has asked me not to contact the girl's mum and talk to her, which was my initial instinct. What I would like to do is to contact the teacher and suggest that she might want to talk to the whole class without singling this child out about the danger of diets and pressure on children to lose weight, in a way which is framed in the context of lockdowns etc and emphasizing exercise and healthy eating, but making clear that its not cool for kids to fat-shame other kids and maybe touching on the pressures that children are subjected to aesthetically.

I'm wary of appearing to be seen as a busybody, lecturing teachers about how to handle this when they are clearly dealing with a huge amount of more urgent priorities. And I don't want to be a diva about it.

But I also think it needs to be tackled. What would be the most constructive thing to do?

OP posts:
Time2change2 · 10/10/2020 15:27

@formerbabe but why is it so horrid? If a child’s adult teeth grew through very crooked or overbite, a tactless 9 year old might point out that she might need braces when older. It’s tactless but not untrue?
It’s unkind to comment but not worthy of a huge drama- phoning the mum etc!!

formerbabe · 10/10/2020 15:32

[quote Time2change2]@formerbabe but why is it so horrid? If a child’s adult teeth grew through very crooked or overbite, a tactless 9 year old might point out that she might need braces when older. It’s tactless but not untrue?
It’s unkind to comment but not worthy of a huge drama- phoning the mum etc!![/quote]
There's a huge amount of true things we could say to each other...doesn't mean we do. A nine year old is old enough to know that commenting on another person's weight is very rude. My dc have known far earlier than that not to comment on other people's appearance. Just because the ops dd has put on weight (a dreadful sin according to many on here) doesn't mean she has to put up with rude comments. I bet if a boy in her class had commented rather than another girl, the response would be very different.

HandfulofDust · 10/10/2020 15:35

I do kind of agree that while it was a tactless comment it probably isn't serious enough as a one off to actually do anything about it.

On the other hand I disagree with the people who say that because the comment might be true it's OK for a child to say it. (Yes kids are young and stil learning tact of course they'll make mistakes but we should still try and teach them if we can).

lazylinguist · 10/10/2020 15:43

The child was rude. Children say uncomplimentary things to each other all the time, about all kinds of personal things and attributes. The fact that you are sensitive about this particular thing because you know your dd is a bit overweight is not a reason to escalate it. The teacher addressing it with the kids will make it into a big thing and risk drawing attention to the kids' body shapes and who is overweight. This should just be treated as an incidence of making an unkind remark, unless it becomes a regular thing, in which case the teacher should address it with the child.

Storyoftonight · 10/10/2020 15:45

Agree with PP about not contacting the other parent.

I do think you are making a mountain of a molehill. If we had to do full lessons on every small comment we'd never get anything else done.

I agree with you in principle about body image etc but you would be better placed teaching your child about resilience and confidence and body image . Was your child upset ?

Yeahnahmum · 10/10/2020 15:47

Dont speak to the school. All the girl did is say: you should probably go on a diet when you are older.
She didn't say: he you are fat like a pig.
Facefacts that your kid is not slightly overweight. But just simply overweight. She is 9. She probably knows this herself. Talk with her what she feels she should do. Diets are never the answer but being more food aware and exercising more can never hurt.

But dont talk to school and def not parents as you will embarrass your kid times four. Plus it could make things worse. And saying that school should talk about diets being bad🤔 no. Schools should be talking about healthy eating being good.
Your kid will be ok. And her peer didnt sound bullying. Just expressing a thought.

Gwenhwyfar · 10/10/2020 15:48

"I know these boards are full of women who hate overweight people and think they deserve all they get, but I didn't think that extended to children."

All they get? A girl made a comment. That's all!

FixItUpChappie · 10/10/2020 15:59

You should do nothing beside talk to your own child. A 9 yr old said a sort of undiplomatic thing - this isn't bullying. You should not step in but teach her kids say rude things sometimes and it's important to roll with it and move on. Kids are going to "fill her head" with all kinds of things - it's for parents to talk through those ideas at home, set the tone and foundation. Your making a mountain out of a molehill and could set up a problem for your kid by drawing more attention to the issue. Definitely don't call the other child's mum!

The best thing you can do IMO is be supportive of your daughters strengths and, speaking as a woman overweight her whole life, help her loss the weight by cooking healthy meals, packing healthy lunches and ensuring she's getting lots of exercise.

Goldenbear · 10/10/2020 15:59

All insults can be just 'comments', it doesn't mean it is ok. Why not just discourage your child to stop being so 'honest' and learn some manners.

I already said I have a 9 year old DD, she is 'kind' - she was star of week yesterday that gives her privileges for the week like use of electronic Sharpener and choosing music to put on in the classroom. Part of winning this involves the class writing something about you on post it notes (if they want) and she had a resounding number of comments on her kindness and sense of humour so yes I think it can be something you try to install in them.

I have a teenager, that most definitely sticks up for the 'right' thing and would just walk off from anyone in his company that was deliberately being unkind or let's face it a bully as he has no tolerance for it.

KyraMartini · 10/10/2020 16:07

You need to focus on the health of your DD OP, not what her friend said. The last thing you want is her continuing unhealthy eating into teenage years. The comments will be intentional and ten times as hurtful. Stop worrying what a 9 yr old said and focus on your daughter.

middleeasternpromise · 10/10/2020 16:10

Your daughter doesn't want you to deal with it by speaking to the parent or the school, I think if she did then you would be able to do so. What seems more important is that she could tell you about this experience and you can support her with whatever you think its right - exercise, healthy eating or ideas that it will even out over time. If you are concerned about body image/diet discourses empower your DD to understand that too much focus on restricting food intake can be really harmful in a number of way; encourage her to be body positive and have a strong story about herself that means she can be robust when someone comes with their opinion to give them a response without being rude or too upset about it.

year5teacher · 10/10/2020 16:17

My advice is actually to speak to the teacher. I would like to know and address it in a way that would be helpful for everyone in my class personally.

year5teacher · 10/10/2020 16:18

Although I suppose if your daughter doesn’t want you to, you should really respect her wishes.

Cam2020 · 10/10/2020 16:21

Children are honest and speak as they find. The child in question probably doesn't realise the impact their words might have and was just speaking factually.

Are you really 'raging' at a 9 year child for speaking the truth or are misdirecting your anger/guilt because you know your 9 year old shouldn't be overweight?

Of course children need to learn tact, what's acceptable to say and the consequences of their words, mention it to your daughter's teacher, but ultimately, it's not a 9 year old's fault.

daisypond · 10/10/2020 16:21

I know these boards are full of women who hate overweight people and think they deserve all they get, but I didn't think that extended to children.

That is a ridiculous comment.

ZezetteEpouseX · 10/10/2020 17:04

If you have serious issues about yourself, going on a foolish crusade won't help you, you are better off working on yourself frankly.

You have to laugh at posters who jump from a negative comment straight to accusation of "bullying". What exactly do you do when faced with a real bully?

formerbabe · 10/10/2020 17:19

I bet if the ops dd was underweight and got called skinny and told to eat more, everyone would be calling it bullying and body shaming.

SoupDragon · 10/10/2020 17:45

@formerbabe

I bet if the ops dd was underweight and got called skinny and told to eat more, everyone would be calling it bullying and body shaming.
I bet they wouldn't.
SoupDragon · 10/10/2020 17:46

If you say anything critical about overweight people on MN it is fat shaming. Skinny people are fair game.

formerbabe · 10/10/2020 17:51

@SoupDragon

If you say anything critical about overweight people on MN it is fat shaming. Skinny people are fair game.
I don't think either is ok but on these boards I've found the vast amount of hate, spite and vitriol is aimed at overweight people rather than underweight people. Exactly the same as real life. This thread is absolutely vile. The dismissive, passive aggressive comments about a nine year olds weight and feelings are absolutely unbelievable.
ZezetteEpouseX · 10/10/2020 18:17

formerbabe

give it a rest will you. A 9 year old should NOT be overweight, and a mother being miffed about 1 comment is not an appropriate reaction. It's not fat shaming just because you don't like it.

And don't be hypocritical either, this forum is full of threads of posters boasting about over-eating, laughing at anyone who is happy with a soup or a salad for tea, and mocking them for being deluded, lying or god knows what. Hmm

formerbabe · 10/10/2020 18:41

A 9 year old should NOT be overweight

Correct and that is no one else's business beyond them, their parents and medical professionals.

1moreRep · 10/10/2020 18:45

Fwiw the child may not have even thought that saying that would be offensive, as weight is such a matter of fact thing, just like your dds hair may have grown and she may have commented on it, her friend may have said maybe you should go to the hair dressers.

Try not to put your feelings onto your dd, it's really easy to see things through our own eyes and not theirs. Iyswim

You are handling your daughters weight and that's all that matters

ZezetteEpouseX · 10/10/2020 18:48

@formerbabe

A 9 year old should NOT be overweight

Correct and that is no one else's business beyond them, their parents and medical professionals.

you are not expecting people to pretend they can't see it, can you? Let's be real for a minute Hmm
formerbabe · 10/10/2020 18:54

you are not expecting people to pretend they can't see it, can you?

Yes of course. Surely you don't go round telling fat people they're fat and need to diet?