Friend said she can't afford to buy me a Christmas gift this year ...aibu here?

[kellyhelly44]

My best friend of over 20 years has said she can't afford to do gifts this year.
She's just had a new baby and hours cut.
I still wanted to do something nice for her.
I was thinking of putting her a little hamper together.
Christmas cake,mince pies,crackers,cheese,nuts and nice chocolates.
Would she think this was cheeky when she's said no gifts.
I don't want anything from her but I really want to do a little hamper for her.
Aibu ? Is this okay ?

It might make her feel bad. Cant you just get a gift for the baby?

Please don't embarrass her by giving a gift when she has asked you not to. It is a lovely thought but one that would bring you more joy to give than it would to her to receive.

As soon as friends had babies (and us) we switched to baby only presents. Such a relief for everyone.

I think that’s such a lovely idea but could backfire as it might make her feel like she has to reciprocate, or that you’re patronising her (even though that clearly isn’t your intention).

Perhaps instead you could (Covid permitting) have her round for an evening in the Christmas period where you cook a lovely meal and spoil her a bit that way. There’s less obligation to return an engagement in the same way, and it shows you really appreciate her company more than anything.

@HasaDigaEebowai I wanted too but she said no gifts for kids either

No, she's asked not to exchange gifts so it would be embarrassing for her to accept a gift when she's openly saying she isn't giving them this year. Just get a small gift for baby as a little gesture.

Ah - cross posted. Stick with a lovely card then

You have to respect her decision. Send a nice card if you want to.

If you really like her the last thing you want to do is make her feel bad or beholden. I know that’s not your intention but it’s the risk.

I think it’s very kind of you to want to do something like that for her, but I think she would feel very embarrassed that she couldn’t afford to get you anything

Don't give her anything. Although money may be tight, clutter may also be an issue. Plus it may be a relief not to have to exchange presents for her.

Did she say "I can't do gifts" or "can we not do gifts?".if it's the latter Def not. If it's the former you could do it as a "treat for the family" to welcome baby kinda thing?

But when we're you thinking of giving it her? Really something like that you'd want to give her before she does her own shopping, which gives her long enough to reciprocate if she feels like she should which is of course not the purpose.

So yeah, if she'd be able to leave baby for a couple of hours, maybe take her for a little treat - afternoon tea or something as a treat for you both

I said this when I had my first baby as money was tight. I was mortified when those people still gave me a nice present! It will make her feel bad and that she has to reciprocate. Just buy something very small for the baby and say its from santa!

How about a home made voucher/ IOU for a day out together or something that she can look forward to but isn't dependent on her having funds?

By Christmas Day she would have already bought all that stuff.

It’s a lovely idea and you sound lovely, but I think you risk embarrassing her. How old is the baby? Could you do a kind of new baby hamper with pamper stuff and some nice food in for her instead and give it to her sooner so it’s not Christmas specifically but you’re still able to spoil her a bit? Or could you pay for afternoon tea for both of you (could have it delivered or go out depending on how easy it is for her to learn the baby), just as a nice post-baby gesture?

She's asked you, she's obviously stressing about it. Don't embarrass her by not respecting what she's asked for.

We ditched adult gifts years ago, so much less stress.

I would get her something for the baby as that doesn't need to be reciprocated or do some home made stuff. If you do a hamper maybe make it baby related somehow as again baby gifts don't need reciprocating (unless you've also just had a baby).

As she’s asked you, don’t do it.
You can do something nice for her now, you don’t have to wait until Christmas.

I'd feel dreadful if I received a gift (especially a one a lot of thought had gone into) when I'd not given the other person a gift.
I'd spend Christmas ruminating about it and I'd avoid you.

I think she’d be embarrassed. If things are really tight and you think she’ll need it, could you put the hamper together and pop it on her doorstep so it’s anonymous?

I love not doing presents with my friends. It’s brilliant! And actually we often end up sending each other a random ‘just because’ presents when we see something we thought another one might like it when you know someone is having a tough time or whatever.

Could you do that instead OP? If you see something she’d really like give it to her anytime up until December 1st and after about January 15th. It can make you feel so special to get something unexpected but there’s no expectation of payback to burden her with.

If she has specifically asked that you do not exchange gifts this year then I think you should respect that. I have been where she is now, and it can be very embarrassing if you struggle to afford gifts even though people mean well when they buy them.

Maybe just send a nice card with a kind note in it instead.

Can you just do a hamper of baby supplies then? My mother is on a very tight budget so I don't like her giving me gifts. I tell her each year, very bluntly, that she can't afford it and is just wasting her money as if I want something I can buy it myself. Most years she resorts to buying some crap of some sort, even if it only costs her about £5 (this is still money she doesn't have). I accept gifts for my children up to £5 and top up the difference for her if she wants to get them something bigger, as I don't want my children to compare what my mum can give them with what wealthier relatives can give, but that's all. I must say, it infuriates me when she goes against what we've agreed and buys things for me or DH. It's not done for our sakes, but for her own peace of mind, so it's more a gift for her than it is for us.

Perhaps you could just meet her for a nice coffee before Christmas instead.

As a group of 3 friends we did this a few years ago. First year one friend got the other 2 presents ("I know we said we wouldn't but..."). Next year, not wanting to be embarrassed again, I got presents hence embarrassing the other 2. Following year we were all back to buying presents.

Please don't embarrass her by giving a gift - it will make you feel good, not her. Also sets up confusion for next year - are we doing presents, are we not...