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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend said she can't afford to buy me a Christmas gift this year ...aibu here?

198 replies

kellyhelly44 · 08/10/2020 13:16

My best friend of over 20 years has said she can't afford to do gifts this year.
She's just had a new baby and hours cut.
I still wanted to do something nice for her.
I was thinking of putting her a little hamper together.
Christmas cake,mince pies,crackers,cheese,nuts and nice chocolates.
Would she think this was cheeky when she's said no gifts.
I don't want anything from her but I really want to do a little hamper for her.
Aibu ? Is this okay ?

OP posts:
laudete · 08/10/2020 17:20

Is she actually your bestie or have you simply "known" her for over 2 decades?? Just say you 100% back her sensible "no gifts from her" decision and ask if that precludes you from giving gifts to her/baby. The answer will be yes or no. Besties wouldn't be offended by the question or the answer. I really don't understand the problem unless you intend to ignore her answer. She surely already knows what sort of person you are and why you'd be likely to ask the question.

ForTheLoveOfDoughtnuts · 08/10/2020 17:21

You sound like such a lovely friend ❤️

sparklefarts · 08/10/2020 17:29

Best friend? Can't you just have an honest chat that you're ok with not getting a present and that you understand her situation but you would love to get her a gift still?

My best friend has spent money on my women I couldn't reciprocate and vice versa

sparklefarts · 08/10/2020 17:30

Spent money on me I meant

Highlights12 · 08/10/2020 17:45

I'd do as others have suggested. Bake a cake (if you can) & say this is to say thanks for the flowers & leave it at that.

WhatifIfeellikeacat · 08/10/2020 17:48

If she has specifically asked that you do not exchange gifts this year then I think you should respect that. I have been where she is now, and it can be very embarrassing if you struggle to afford gifts even though people mean well when they buy them.

I agree. Been there as well. Last year my DF still insisted on exchanging Christmas gifts.

Saucery · 08/10/2020 17:50

How about a bauble for the Christmas tree, to celebrate the baby’s first Christmas? One of DH’s work colleagues got us one and it’s so precious. We weren’t close friends or ever swapped presents, just cards, but it was just lovely.

coffeelover3 · 08/10/2020 17:53

try and hold back and don't give anything. I've been where your friend is, and it's mortifying enough having to say 'no gifts' but then even more embarrassing when friends and family ignore the 'agreement' and give you stuff anyway. Try and find less obvious ways to give if you really want to. Are you allowed to go out for a coffee - maybe offer to pay. Or I don't know, something will turn up where you can give something unobtrusively IUKWIM. She will appreciate it if you hold back though - coming from someone who's been there...

pastandpresent · 08/10/2020 17:56

I think it must have been quite hard for her to say she can't afford gifts for you, so I will think of her feeling rather than what you want to do.

CambsAlways · 08/10/2020 18:02

I’d respect her wishes it could make her feel uncomfortable

Ideasplease322 · 08/10/2020 18:05

Agree with everyone - don’t buy her a gift.

But if rules allow invite her round For a nice Christmas afternoon tea. Your get to treat her, even makes the mince pies.

Gwenhwyfar · 08/10/2020 18:17

She's said no. Just respect that. I don't do gifts, but I have a friend who insists on doing it. It really pisses me off. It places an obligation on me to reciprocate and makes me end up with things I don't want or need.

spongedog · 08/10/2020 18:38

Perhaps you could buy some premium bonds with the money and when the child gets to a significant birthday - hand them over.

When my friends and I all had our kids - spread out over many years - we all exchanged gifts for years, but it was all presents for the moment. Most kids get too much - so this would help that child get started on young adult life (eg driving lessons, a bit of furniture) - its not life changing but shows you thought about them a lot.

HaggieMaggie · 08/10/2020 18:52

@Topseyt

Perhaps you could just meet her for a nice coffee before Christmas instead.
That’s a lovely idea, and the OP buy the coffee and a mince pie. I’m sure she would be open to accepting that?
CloudyVanilla · 08/10/2020 18:52

I'm sure this has already been suggested but can you make the hamper and invite her round for an evening off from baby? Just around dinner time.. then you could share the hamper, spoil her a bit and she gets to enjoy your intention without the minefield of trying to get a gift to her :)

Ginkypig · 08/10/2020 19:00

@kellyhelly44

It was just because she sent me a lovely bouquet of flowers 5 weeks ago when I lost my mum. I just wanted to do something nice. Plus I know it's cheesy but I don't give to receive. I won't do the hamper then,I don't want her to feel bad about anything.
I understand why you want to but if she is struggling then it might make her feel bad instead of good to receive but to be unable to reciprocate but have you thought about doing a home made gift certificate for the card saying something like this entitles you to one lunch or coffee or cinema visit etc or something like one evening babysitting on me next year.
aLilNonnyMouse · 08/10/2020 19:01

Send her a nice card with an IOU/voucher for one night of babysitting.

It respects her wishes and lets her know you care about her. I don't think a hamper would go down well - I know I would feel bad about accepting one.

chipshopElvis · 08/10/2020 19:05

You are kind, but I suspect it will stress her out.

lunkitsmum · 08/10/2020 19:12

What a lovely friend you are. Why don't you just send a bunch of flowers tomorrow just because... especially if you know she's having a rough time I bet it'd make her week.

DoAllMeerkatsComeFromRussia · 08/10/2020 19:21

@kellyhelly44

It was just because she sent me a lovely bouquet of flowers 5 weeks ago when I lost my mum. I just wanted to do something nice. Plus I know it's cheesy but I don't give to receive. I won't do the hamper then,I don't want her to feel bad about anything.
Reread this post OP. You say yourself you want to do the hamper because your friend did something lovely for you. But if you do the hamper, that will leave your friend feeling she has to reciprocate in the same way that you feel it now. Except she CAN'T manage it right now, which will make her feel awful.

As PPs have said, bake her a cake or make her something lovely and homemade and inexpensive. You'll feel you've done something nice to thank her for being so thoughtful and because it is linked to her flowers for you and not to Christmas you've ended the cycle with no need for her to worry about not being able to afford to get you something back.

AutumnleavesturntoGold · 08/10/2020 19:21

I think that sad, through out years myself and family friend give when can don't when can't

cansu · 08/10/2020 19:38

There are other ways of being nice to her without it being associated with xmas. my friend and I don't do gifts and it has made life much easier. However, we do buy each other coffees, cakes etc over the year. Why not turn up one day for coffee with a box of nice cakes or similar?

jdoejnr1 · 08/10/2020 19:43

What the hell is wrong with half the people on this thread. Which part of "don't get me anything" is so difficult to understand? A hamper, a cake, a small gift and something for the baby is still buying stuff. Just don't fucking buy anything! Nothing! Nadal! Zip! Zilch! How hard is that for people to understand. DO NOT BUY HER ANYTHING!

CloudyVanilla · 08/10/2020 19:48

@jdoejnr1 I was suggesting the OP make the hamper and frame it as a treat day for the both of them so its not actually a gift to her friend, but is still a nice gesture that they can both enjoy. That where there is no obligation to reciprocate

MikeUniformMike · 08/10/2020 20:52

I agree with jdoejnr1

"Which part of "don't get me anything" is so difficult to understand? "

No means No.

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