Friend said she can't afford to buy me a Christmas gift this year ...aibu here?

[kellyhelly44]

My best friend of over 20 years has said she can't afford to do gifts this year.
She's just had a new baby and hours cut.
I still wanted to do something nice for her.
I was thinking of putting her a little hamper together.
Christmas cake,mince pies,crackers,cheese,nuts and nice chocolates.
Would she think this was cheeky when she's said no gifts.
I don't want anything from her but I really want to do a little hamper for her.
Aibu ? Is this okay ?

Why can’t you just respect what she has said? My sister in laws are like this and it infuriates me. We’ve requested that we only buy for the children, but they ‘can’t help themselves’ and every year we have to suffer what they think we would like. It’s so wasteful and we Now feel We have to buy for them, when we could do without a)the expense and b) the hassle.
Respect what she has said. Offer to babysit so She can get her hair done/go shopping alone/her and her dp can have a meal out or similar, but accept she doesn’t want any more stuff in her house and that any gift you give her is for your benefit and not for hers (which goes against the idea of giving in the first place).

it upsets me a little when people say they dont want gifts because they can't afford to get any... i don't give people things with the expectation of it being returned.. i gift because its a nice thing to do to show people i care about that i've thought about them.

Can you have a little chat with her about it? I'd be tempted to give her something anonymously a few days before christmas. Get a hamper delivered or something from Santa.

I agree with others: she has gone out of her way to ask for this. The gift she wants is the gift of "no gifts" and so the best thing you can do for her is respect that.

Perhaps just make a note to offer a night of baby sitting or similar in the future - when she might need a break or some help. A nice card with some nice words from you, would also be lovely.

No, you'd make her feel awful.

It was just because she sent me a lovely bouquet of flowers 5 weeks ago when I lost my mum.
I just wanted to do something nice.
Plus I know it's cheesy but I don't give to receive.
I won't do the hamper then,I don't want her to feel bad about anything.

I would go with something for the baby, and maybe invite her to yours for coffee and cake. You sound like a lovely friend.

Don't do it! You are doing it for the wrong reasons

I'd comply. It's polite. If you know when she puts her tree up you could send a bauble with her baby's name on it to arrive in time for the tree (rather than xmas itself).

I completely understand why you would want to do this, but I think it best not to. If you wanted to spoil her, why not give her something nice now?

One of my worst Christmases ever was when my mother in law declared that no one was to buy Christmas presents, as it was all far too commerical. I breathed a sigh of relief, especially as my SIL's extended family were over from South America, making loads of people in the house Christmas Day. We arrived the Christmas Eve. Mother in law summons me upstairs to show me something. Only the sodding jumper she'd bought for my husband... I said I thought we weren't doing Christmas presents this year (starting to get a really horrible sinking feeling in the pit of my tummy). Oh yes, she said. Whatever gave you the idea we weren't? Er... the fact that you said it! Cue a mad dash to a nearby Sainsburys (the only shop still open at that time on Christmas Eve) whilst we ran round shoving random things into the trolley. At one point I thought my SIL's FIL was going to have to go home with a mop and bucket, that's how stuck we were. If that happened again, I would definitely try and front it out and refuse to engage with the panic, but by heck it was a horrid feeling!

Get a present for her baby instead.

I would do as she asks. If you would like to ‘reciprocate‘ the flowers, regenerate maybe give her a little treat ‘just because’ in the Spring or something, so that it isn’t tied into christmas.

I'd buy her some chocolate or something small like that. Or bake her a cake :)

@kellyhelly44

It was just because she sent me a lovely bouquet of flowers 5 weeks ago when I lost my mum. I just wanted to do something nice. Plus I know it's cheesy but I don't give to receive. I won't do the hamper then,I don't want her to feel bad about anything.

Do something now then. Send her a 'thanks for being my best friend' hamper this week.

Could you do it anonymously? Make clear it is meant to be anonymous so she does not worry she should be thanking someone. I would normally say no gifts means no gifts, some people just don't want more things, but as it's more because of financial worries I think it's okay to want to give something.

Offer to do something with your time instead - I can't offer suggestions as it depends how far away she lives/how many kids she has - but something which involves your time not a physical gift, like cooking her a meal, babysitting older kids.

I think the hamper idea is really nice and useful. I can see from a few comments others think it’s a bad idea.
You know your best friend OP would she be offended?

Please don't.

You're just putting pressure on her. The gift she wants is one less job to do at Christmas. Instead of listening to her and truly giving her that gift, you are choosing to do the very thing she has asked you not to.

You want to give her a hamper, but she doesn't want that. She wants the simplicity of less stuff and less pressure.

Buy her the most lovely Christmas card you can find and write a beautiful heartfelt message in it.

To get something like this is often better then a very expensive gift.

Would it be worth having a meal together....you both prep and cook and eat together....so your both doing somethimg that can be as cheap as chips...literally lol but that your both celebrating and valuing the friendship between you both.

It could be something as simple as bolognese...one of you coukd buy tge mince and the other the pasta and tomatoes and both coukd bring a drink of your choice.

Or watch a movie together and get popcorn and a bag of sharing sweets.

Gifts dont have to be an object/s....they can be the experience of something too

@kellyhelly44

My best friend of over 20 years has said she can't afford to do gifts this year. She's just had a new baby and hours cut. I still wanted to do something nice for her. I was thinking of putting her a little hamper together. Christmas cake,mince pies,crackers,cheese,nuts and nice chocolates. Would she think this was cheeky when she's said no gifts. I don't want anything from her but I really want to do a little hamper for her. Aibu ? Is this okay ?

My sister did this for me one year. I was basically struggling and in debt following my relationship break up/selling home etc, and said I couldnt afford to do gifts that year. I opened the door to a lovely hamper from her on Christmas Eve, and I was really touched, I can understand you wanting to and if I was your friend I would have been really appreciative but only you know what your friends would think of this. I would go for it though :)

Obviously unless one of us happens to be your friend we are just guessing or projecting our own feelings onto the situation but I'm always surprised by the often majority MN view that it's perfectly OK to disregard the wishes of anyone who says no presents please for a birthday/Christmas.

To me it's weirdly self absorbed to think that your wish to give a gift should override the explicit instruction of someone who doesn't want one.

I know I'm not your friend but it would make be withdraw from you if I was and you bought me something in this situation

@kellyhelly44 I'm sorry you lost your mum, how awful for you. But I would respect your friend's request and hold back. You can always return the favour by being a good friend to her as she is to you, and offering support when she needs it. That's worth just as much as presents and more, when she has all she needs materially but would welcome a break or babysitting or whatever.

@LadyCatStark

I think she’d be embarrassed. If things are really tight and you think she’ll need it, could you put the hamper together and pop it on her doorstep so it’s anonymous?

Oh dear God. NO!

Produce a box of really nice bath stuff and shout 'I'm allergic to this, can I give it to you so I don't feel bad about binning it'.

It’s a nice idea, but as she’s said no gifts I’d respect that. I think as the friend in the scenario I’d be a bit annoyed to receive the hamper (lovely as I’m sure it would be) after thinking I’d stopped the present giving. You could always get her something small as a friendship token at another time.