Friend said she can't afford to buy me a Christmas gift this year ...aibu here?

[kellyhelly44]

My best friend of over 20 years has said she can't afford to do gifts this year.
She's just had a new baby and hours cut.
I still wanted to do something nice for her.
I was thinking of putting her a little hamper together.
Christmas cake,mince pies,crackers,cheese,nuts and nice chocolates.
Would she think this was cheeky when she's said no gifts.
I don't want anything from her but I really want to do a little hamper for her.
Aibu ? Is this okay ?

A lot of posters are really making the point that gift giving is largely about prioritising the feelings of the giver rather than the receiver "but I like giving gifts!!"

Please don't humiliate your friend. Respect her wishes.

What a lovely thoughtful friend you are.

I agree that it is a lovely sentiment. Don’t wait to do something lovely.

Assuming you can, I’d probably just go round armed with something nice to share together - a meal, or a bottle of wine and chocolates

Bake cookies if you insist getting her something

I’d do as a previous poster suggested and get her a gift for being an amazing supportive friend, give it to her well before Christmas so it’s a non issue

She politely asked you not to. If you do buy her anything you're only doing it to make yourself feel better at the expense of your friends feelings. Don't be that kinda friend.

I'm on the fence with this- I get what others are saying about embarrassing her, but she sent flowers to you so clearly you are 2 very caring friends

Like the idea of a Christmas coffee and you treat her - tell her at the end so she can't argue- something I have done before as well is on the day of meeting if you see something nice in town - buy one for yourself and one for her- that's not so 'presenty' - think scented candle or reed diffuser/ Christmas bauble/ Next perfume spray/ magazine and bar of choc/ Lush bath bomb- they are all simple things but you can say 'I got myself one and thought you'd like one as well' me and my friends often do this and it's really nice and low stakes - no wrapping etc

Please don't, it's not worth losing the friendship over.
I know how she feels, we are doing the same as both lost most of our work.
I'd be gutted if my (grown) dc bought for us, when we couldn't reciprocate.
We are just buying a small gift for grandchildren.

Are you giving to make her feel better, or to make you feel better? She's clearly said what she wants to happen and what would make her happiest

What are your baking skills like? I think its a nice idea but would be better if you did a small hamper with some homemade treats then you can tell her you made lots so wrapped some up for her.

Please don't. She asked you not to, respect that.

Have you already got something for her or the new baby?

If not, you could make that a small hamper of pamper stuff for her plus a couple of bigger size sleep suits (people often goes for the new born stuff but forget babies grow!)

If you have, then you could (if you feel the need) get her a little something to say thanks for being there for me, now rather than wait until Christmas.

Also, be careful with hampers of food. Some babies can have allergies. My friend has a child with nut allergies so she avoids those as she's breastfeeding his 7 month old brother. The baby himself has developed a dairy intolerance (confirmed by the GP) with super explosive nappies and vomiting, so she can't have dairy products as he, obviously, picks them up through her milk. Most mums are fine but my friend, wouldn't be able to enjoy any of the things you mention because of butter, nuts or milk in them.

And don't do an anonymous parcel. I'd be concerned if a parcel arrived without knowing who it was from. We had a hamper from a client of DH's a few years ago. It was very nice but we were trying to think who'd we'd forgotten to get a gift for and it took the edge off to be honest.

Don't do something anonymously, it's creepy and weird.

Just respect her request. Anything else will just cause embarrasment.

My brother asked this a few years ago. I found it hard (and still do) because he does a lot for me, and they have very little money.
But it's not about me, so I just send a card, even though I'd love to get him and my SIL treats (and they'd feel uncomfortable if I got them stuff at another point in the year, too, before someone suggests that).

The only thing I think could work is this, if you do it well before Christmas:
Bake a cake & say: 'thanks for the lovely flowers, they meant so much?

But forgot to say...if you can't get her something now as a congratulations or thanks for being there for me gift, don't get her a Christmas gift. If she's asked you not to, you shouldn't. Otherwise it comes across as you ignore her feelings (which you obviously don't).

Get her a nice card with photos of family or friends and baby on - like the Moonpig type ones. Something that celebrates your friendship and how much her child now means to you too. Put in a lovely letter telling her how much she and her family mean to you. I'd have loved that from my friends.

When you say 'just' had a new baby do you mean in the last week or so - if so I think you could do a hamper now as a new baby present (which may have things in it that she can keep till christmas if she chooses - or can eat now if she wants a treat when the baby has her up at 2am)

Otherwise if you bake I think you can get away with asking if she wants a christmas cake/mince pies - more as a 'I'm baking some anyway and it's not much more effort than just making my own and you are busy with a new baby'

I think a modest Christmas hamper is fine, you can say it's your way if helping out this Christmas because you know things are tighter. You could include a modest kids gift (under £10) but keep it all practical. I sent my friend a similar hamper after she had her first child.

I would look at sponge online and send her a cake, they do amazing ones with different flavours and some can be frozen for later. Send soon and say you really appreciated the flowers and wanted to send her a surprise. Definitely nothing at Christmas because that could cause guilt.

Not RTFT
@kellyhelly44, I can see why you want to, but I would see it as passive-aggressive.

Don’t send mince pies etc. For various reasons, we often end up with multiple Christmas hampers. And I’m still working my way through last year’s Christmas puddings. Tasty but who needs 5?

Send her flowers on December 31st, thanking her for being a wonderful friend and wishing her an amazing 2021. Everything’s starting to look a little tired by then, flowers don’t add clutter or calories and they’re just cheerful in a corner somewhere and can be thrown away without guilt.

It is a lovely idea. I think I'd take her to lunch as a treat, just say she can pay for lunch next Christmas.

Sometimes it isn't about the money - l have used than as an excuse but in reality l just don't want the hassle of having to buy extra presents - maybe she is trying to make everyone's life simple. I would listen to her OP.

She has a new baby and her money has been reduced. Please don't embarrass her.

I have been battling with our families for the past 10 years to whittle down the amount of money we spend on Christmas presents for adults and I am still way off where I want to be.

She's asked you not to get gifts. Its as simple as that. My aunt sends something every year for my kids even tho I specifically ask her not to (because she CARES so much about them) and it winds me up no end. If she cared that much she'd listen to what I say and not buy them anything!

You can show you're a good friend by the things you do daily for each other, it doesn't need an Xmas gift, send her a lovely message instead and please respect her wishes.

If you want to buy her a gift then buy her a gift, but for being a new mother, not for Christmas and don’t give it to her at Christmas time - give it to her next week or something.