Friend said she can't afford to buy me a Christmas gift this year ...aibu here?

[kellyhelly44]

My best friend of over 20 years has said she can't afford to do gifts this year.
She's just had a new baby and hours cut.
I still wanted to do something nice for her.
I was thinking of putting her a little hamper together.
Christmas cake,mince pies,crackers,cheese,nuts and nice chocolates.
Would she think this was cheeky when she's said no gifts.
I don't want anything from her but I really want to do a little hamper for her.
Aibu ? Is this okay ?

Just bake her some cookies.

I get this, I have so much for my son we don't need more. And money is tight, my friends and I don't exchange gifts but do something nice- my best friend and I take the kids out on days out for birthdays and Christmas, make memories for them. Could you suggest somewhere to visit?

Could you get a little Xmas tree ornament for her baby's first Xmas? Not one that says first Xmas on it as she might want to do that herself but you could be something you do each year that's a nice thought ? Or is that tacky ? Idk.

I think any gift would make her feel bad in the circumstances- she has specifically asked not to. If you want to do something nice, how about a handwritten, posted letter to her saying how you appreciate her and all the good things you think about her? And you look forward to cooking her favourite meal for her when she’s able and ready?

You say you’ve known your best friend for 20 years so you must already know how she would react to this gift. Really only you can provide yourself the answer!

I had a friend like this who said she couldn’t afford Christmas. So I got her three kids some really nice gifts from the sale so didn’t cost me loads but the gifts were still better than what I would normally buy. After Christmas she booked herself a villa and went on holiday abroad so wasn’t that skint.
I haven’t been abroad for years. I’m glad the kids got a good Christmas but ask yourself would she do the same for you?

Just do a nice card.

I would absolutely hate this. Also hampers are generally full of stuff that isn’t that useful or normally eaten. Unless you love chutney they’re all crap.

I have been receiving presents this week in advance of a baby shower tomorrow even though I have explicitly said I don’t want a shower and I don’t want people spending money on me or my unborn baby. The givers have done so to make them feel good. And I just end up feeling stressed and uncomfortable and have all this stuff which I didn’t want, didn’t ask for and won’t use. I really hate it when people selfishly ignore someone’s request for no gifts. It’s horrid.

If you really want to treat her but it's a no gift Christmas - how about just give her a treat for being a new mum? Not Christmas orientated, just some thing small and nice.

Im stone broke and seriously have zero idea how i can even afford anything for the kids this year so I can understand where she is coming from. I would feel awful if I received gifts and couldn't give back.

I would think you're a lovely friend personally for doing something homemade.

I have explicitly said I don’t want a shower and I don’t want people spending money on me or my unborn baby. The givers have done so to make them feel good

You really think your friends and family are selfish for buying you gifts? You sound awful.

I haven’t done presents for my friends for years, except group presents for big birthdays. Doesn’t everyone have enough stuff in the world...! Respect your friend, take her out for coffee and cake or something nice

It's more important to spend time with loved ones whether that be face to face or other than to stress and worry about buying gifts. To add to the sickening amount of consumerism is imo inconsiderate.
As a society we need to get away from buying for the sake of it and get back to what truly matters. Surely the last 8 months has shown us that?
A small handmade and thought about gift is worth so much more - sewing, knitting, baking etc. So yes, I think if you wanted to give your friend a homemade Christmas pudding for example then I don't think that she would be made to feel guilty about that.

@LoveEatYoga

I have explicitly said I don’t want a shower and I don’t want people spending money on me or my unborn baby. The givers have done so to make them feel good

You really think your friends and family are selfish for buying you gifts? You sound awful.

No, she does not sound awful for hoping that people would LISTEN to her and RESPECT what she's asked.

People who ignore their friends' and family's wishes are in the wrong to do so.

I wouldn't. Meet up in the New Year for a nice coffee and a cake.

Could you find a family in need in your local community to give that same basket to?

Homemade gift, jam, fruit infused alcohol, cake if you must but really it could end up hurting her feelings and end up very badly. Is it worth the risk of losing your friend.

No, she does not sound awful for hoping that people would LISTEN to her and RESPECT what she's asked.

In my opinion she does sound unpleasant to say this.

I'm not talking about the shower as such but to say people are only buying gifts for their own pleasure is a bit unfair and sounds ungrateful IMHO. Some people say this to be polite so I'm sure they're not being spiteful.

I say this as someone who didn't want a shower due and reluctantly agreed to one and I lost my baby two weeks later after she was born but I realise people were excited for me and I felt at the time how nice it was that my baby and I were already so loved.

I'm not saying everyone has to feel that way but it sounds ungrateful to imply people are selfish to buy you a gift when they are probably trying to do something nice.

Take a nice bottle of wine round some face masks and have some food, she will need a friend and to relax and this won't make her feel like she needs to get you a present Xxx you sound lovely

I wouldn’t do gifts, if she can’t reciprocate. You can invite her round for dinner or make her a nice meal to heat up. It’s tricky to make elaborate meals with a baby!

Don't give her hamper that would embarrass her but you could get two gifts exactly the same wrap them up and put to you on gift card then open them and look surprised to get two gifts the same and then casually offer her one as you already got that gifted to you already. Something you would not need two of like new gloves or something. That way she won't feel bad but you still get to gift her something. I know it is a bit sneaky. You could also invite her and baby over one After to watch a blu ray and have nice snacks to eat.

@LoveEatYoga - that must have been very hard, I'm sorry for your loss.

Unpleasant is a big down-step from awful. I still don't really agree with you, but we don't know her backstory - maybe she's fed up of people never listening - I have some sympathy with that as I have family members who never listen and foist stuff upon you regardless of your feelings. So maybe I'm projecting to have sympathy, and maybe you're projecting a little because you felt differently too.

She's asked you not to so don't. It's quite simple really.
Quite a few years ago I asked my family to stop with the Xmas presents as DH and I both have big families and it was silly the money we were having to spend. Brother ignored request and it's just embarrassing every year.