Friend said she can't afford to buy me a Christmas gift this year ...aibu here?

[kellyhelly44]

My best friend of over 20 years has said she can't afford to do gifts this year.
She's just had a new baby and hours cut.
I still wanted to do something nice for her.
I was thinking of putting her a little hamper together.
Christmas cake,mince pies,crackers,cheese,nuts and nice chocolates.
Would she think this was cheeky when she's said no gifts.
I don't want anything from her but I really want to do a little hamper for her.
Aibu ? Is this okay ?

Like most people here, I don't think you should do a gift if she asked you not to- it's likely to make her feel awkward and possibly make her feel she has to do something for you. Could you perhaps invite her over for dinner/lunch (or offer to take a nice homemade lunch to her for you to share)?

I wouldn’t do it. She’s asked for no gifts - expressly told you what she wants. You know her best but if it was me I’d do as she asked so as not to cause her any annoyance or upset as she can’t reciprocate.

Homemade stuff. Don't wrap or tag and give a week or so before Christmas. A hand painted bauble, a bottle of home made fruit gin, a Christmas cake or some lovely mince pies, a wreath maybe for the door if you are crafty or a pot of outdoor winter flowers- pansies maybe.

If she's such an old friend, can you call her up say you know you agreed no presents, but as she's a new mum and its her first Christmas with baby, you really want to treat her and baby, and would she accept it.

She must have been there for you during your harder times, you can tell her you love her and you've been looking forward to treating her and baby and she's always been there for you with no expectations and you are there for her now.

This does all depend on how close you are. And you'd word the conversation according to your history.

I tihnk tis lovely you want to treat your friend.

Could you make her some Christmassy cookies or something? That way, you’re still giving a gift but I don’t thibk that would make her feel bad

Sometimes it really is better not to give anything.
Some people say that because they know they can't afford to do anything themselves, and they don't want to feel "burdened" by not being able to reciprocate if you DO give something.

Some people don't mind.
If you're not sure which type your friend is, then you're better off doing as she's asked - it would be a bit rude to ignore her request, and yes, she could be very embarrassed if you still give her a gift.

You still have a couple of months though - you could maybe ASK her if she'd like a Christmas cake made, or similar, if you plan on making one yourself - but don't present it as a fait accompli, give her the choice (she may not even like Christmas cake!)

It's nice to be generous and want to give your friend something, but it is really onerous on the recipient if they have specifically asked you not to, because they can't reciprocate.

If she's genuinely your best friend and you are very close, and you desperately want to give her something, I think it's fine to do it. This would not be awkward for me and my bestie but we are v honest about money. It depends what your friendship is like.

Over the years I have been the giver or recipient in these situations, with various friends, when one person was feeling skint:

• pay for a hotel room

-pay for a train ticket for the visiting friend -pay for dinner out together -send coffee shop gift cards through post -bought friend a random gift to cheer them up -bought xmas present when the other one said she couldn't afford it

Give it to her from "Santa". Job done.

@CruzControl

Give it to her from "Santa". Job done.

That is so patronising.

Sorry if I missed this already ding said but do you bake?
You could get a card and bake her something tasty. It’s not a gift as such but you still get to do something lovely for a friend without embarrassing her x

Not read the whole thread but can you do a really thoughtful card instead with nice pictures of you both and a lovely message?

With my bestie and vice versa, we wouldn't get pissed off, because we'd know the gesture what exactly what it was, a thoughtful gesture of wanting to give.

But, I agree, the 'Thanks for being such a good mate!' hamper now, rather than at Christmas for a present, is an excellent idea.

Although your intentions are lovely

Wondering if you should ignore your friends wishes because you want to do something to make you feel good, is not having lovely intentions.

I really missed nights out when I had my first baby. If she lives close enough could you offer to go round and see her and get a take away for you both? I'd have loved that when my DC were babies and I couldn't go out anywhere due to breastfeeding.

I’d give her some vouchers for the baby if she’s skint they will be usefully. Just a token amount like £10.

Do you know what's lovely, but isn't really a "gift" - photos. Nobody prints photos out these days! Get a couple of your friend with her DC and surprise.

if your looking for gift ideas what I really wanted when DS was born and never got was a nice little piece of jewellery with either mom (maybe like a locket) or my DS name on

they arent even that expensive online but I always felt 'silly' when I thought about buying it 'for myself' so never got one

I think if I said I couldn't afford gifts, and a friend went and got me gifts, I'd only feel awkward and a little stressed out. Maybe ask her if there is any other way you could help her out eg. bake her a lasagna, or babysit for even an hour so she can have a coffee alone or something.

also I am the gift giver among my friends, when people talk about 'love langages' or whatever me and my mam are definately gifters while most people in our lives are 'doers' (never buy gifts but help out with things like moving house or fixing your car)

they all moan they never get gifts but they also never give gifts... I give them gifts but never expect anything back off them and no one has ever been upset at getting a gift (most comment its the only thing they got and no one else bothered dispite the fact they didnt either - its a wierd mindset they have lol)

I am unfortunately in this position this year due to redundancy. I feel dreadful about it and have explained to friends and family who understand. I have asked that no one buys for me but they can still buy for my adult children who will reciprocate as they are working.
I know my parents and sister will still buy for me as they would be upset not to (weird but I know they will if they are buying for the rest of the family) but I really really really do not want friends to buy for me. I would feel even worse about my current situation.
I agree with PP who suggested inviting your friend round for a lovely meal with the opportunity for you to have a nice catch up. I would really appreciate that and it wouldn't make me feel awkward.

@Hobbesmanc

Homemade stuff. Don't wrap or tag and give a week or so before Christmas. A hand painted bauble, a bottle of home made fruit gin, a Christmas cake or some lovely mince pies, a wreath maybe for the door if you are crafty or a pot of outdoor winter flowers- pansies maybe.

Yeah. Not a gift gift but something you might make for a pal regardless of circumstances. A nice cake for a treat, or similar.

Nice card, voucher to looking after the baby if she ever needs you xx

Maybe pay for you and her to got somewhere? Or after to look after the baby so her and her partner can go Out.

Don't.