Friend said she can't afford to buy me a Christmas gift this year ...aibu here?

[kellyhelly44]

My best friend of over 20 years has said she can't afford to do gifts this year.
She's just had a new baby and hours cut.
I still wanted to do something nice for her.
I was thinking of putting her a little hamper together.
Christmas cake,mince pies,crackers,cheese,nuts and nice chocolates.
Would she think this was cheeky when she's said no gifts.
I don't want anything from her but I really want to do a little hamper for her.
Aibu ? Is this okay ?

To be honest, if I'd just had a baby and a hit to my budget, I'd probably most value a friend I could cry in front of.

Thinking about it, my two best friends and I have never done presents but have done an awful lot of ranting about family/presents/food/expectations. Having an online cup of tea and a laugh with them when it's all over (we live in different cities) is definitely better than anything they could buy/make me.

Babysitting vouchers? Or some homemade baking?

I would treat her to lunch or dinner somewhere instead. She won’t feel bad and you’ve done something nice for her.

She likes and trusts you enough to say "I really can't afford this" I think you might shut her off a little if you ignore her now. It's very sweet wanting to get her something but being unable to afford things is excruciating and well meaning friends can make it worse.

Make a hamper and leave it on her doorstep with a card from santa

Could you give her a modest pamper hamper NOW?
Bake a cake & say: 'thanks for the lovely flowers, they meant so much?
Or send a Tree Bauble for the baby 1st Dec, with a lovely card, and an IOU for her favourite meal at yours, to be redeemed as and when?

But no, don't give HER a Christmas gift, she will only feel bad.

I think you should respect her wishes. Why wouldn't you respect her wishes if she's such a valuable friend? Don't send something anonymous, she will know it's from you and she will feel horrible.

After years of building up the courage, I told my sister that we wouldn't be doing presents for the grown-ups any more. She seemed ok with it but then bought us presents! I was so upset and annoyed but said as breezily as I could "Oh, I thought we weren't doing gifts for adults any more?" She said "Well I couldn't not get my little sister something." So now we're back to having to buy frigging presents because she won't stop!

Tbh, I'd go with the Baking and the thanks for the flowers right now.

And a Bauble and card at Christmas.

then it's just a cake and a £2 bauble but she knows you think of her.

If she is a good,longstanding friend, as in you can speak about anything together, I would give her a little Christmas hamper, to help out a bit in her predicament of having no extra funds etc. This is what good friends do, without any embarrassment .

Although your intentions are lovely, I think you have to respect her wishes. Please consider that with a new baby and reduced wages she might be feeling stressed, useless, delicate - whatever and she might end up feeling it more as she can't reciprocate your gesture.

What about buying her a really nice Christmas card and write a nice, personal message instead?

You seem lovely, but YABU. I would get stressed and be a bit shamed if a friend did this to me, after I had specifically said I didn't want to do gifts.

She is your best friend. My best friend wouldnt get embarrased if i chose to still get her something. There is nothing wrong with sending her a little hamper. Dont do as others have said and focus on the baby. Folks always do that and forget about the mother who has given birth to the wee one. I would send a little hamper and add a nice little note - i know you said no gifts this year but as your a new mummy I thought you deserved a little something...enjoy..

Christmas is very much about exchanging gifts, and I get that she may feel awkward if she cannot given in return.

However, a small, thoughtfully chosen "i saw this and thought of you" gift some time well before the festive season might be ok?

I'd love to stop the gift buying at Christmas and birthdays, its becine such the done thing I don't think the gifts actually mean anything.
Rather ditch it then have random gift because when you saw it you genuinely thought about the person in question loving it. This would happen rarely but would mean so much more.

I have a few friends that I buy Christmas presents for and some years, one may say that they can't afford to give anything that particular Christmas. So if I follow the advice you've received from most people, that friend would not only be going through a hard time but they also aren't even receiving any gifts. That seems pretty rubbish to me, and it really demonstrates that people only give if they get something back. I don't feel like that about my friends. I would say that to her. She's already demonstrated what a great friend to you she is.

I agree with the others that I really wouldn't do it. The idea is lovely and well meaning, but I think it will make her feel bad.

If you really want to get her something, could you buy an activity for you both to do together? Just like a nice afternoon tea, or a pamper session or something along those lines. And make out it's not so much a gift, but something you felt like doing and would love if she could go with you

Please don't do this. I know you have good intentions. But I would be really embarrassed. Maybe just buy for the baby

I hate all this with presents.
Just because my friends can't afford one if I have a little spare cash I love buying gifts for my friends. I never want gifts but love treating people.

If people say to me they cant afford to buy gifts this year thats totally fine but I would still buy a gift for them if I wanted to or could do.

A lot of parents miss out on presents when babies come along and people just buy the kids and then we all just turn into parents and lose our individuality.

A gift could simply be a few chocolate bars or a bath bomb i don't understand why people put such high expectations on gifts and spending amounts its the thought that counts it shouldnt be equal limits, i just want to buy things i like for other people not have to think about limits.

Can you give it to her as a friend gift before Xmas just as a treat. Or even after Xmas so it's not actually for Xmas day.

If my friend brought me something when I said can't do gifts this year I wouldn't be offended I would be grateful because you as my friend wouldn't make me feel bad because you know I couldn't afford gifts so I've already put it out there im not doing gifts.

Would she accept something on a "pay it forward" basis.

When I was a student, a friend used to regularly buy me dinner, and refused to let me pay. Instead he suggested that when I had money, I should reciprocate, by paying for other people. I do this still. Explain that I have been skint, but am not now. And what I want to do is to repay Howard's generosity, as long as they commit to doing the same for someone less well off when they are able.

A famous female writer (Iris Murdoch? I forget who) said it was the most selfish thing to do, giving presents. You want someone, however much you don't realise it, to be beholden and reminded of you.

I totally agree.

She has actually ASKED you not to. Why would you? Also, why are you worrying about this at the start of October?

Leave it, she has a lot on her plate. We all do.

@picosandsancerre

She is your best friend. My best friend wouldnt get embarrased if i chose to still get her something. There is nothing wrong with sending her a little hamper. Dont do as others have said and focus on the baby. Folks always do that and forget about the mother who has given birth to the wee one. I would send a little hamper and add a nice little note - i know you said no gifts this year but as your a new mummy I thought you deserved a little something...enjoy..

Clearly the OP's BF isn't yours, I really genuinely don't understand this type of reply.

I'm sure your BF is lovely but her views on gift receiving are irrelevant, do you think you know the friend better than the OP or better than she knows herself?

What is the obsession with hampers, I don't get that either

My best friend of over 20 years has said she can't afford to do gifts this year.

Would she think this was cheeky when she's said no gifts?

@kellyhelly44, can you clarify? Has she said no gifts to be given to her because she can't reciprocate, or has only she said that there will be no gifts from her? People are assuming from the rest of your post it's the former, but it's not absolutely clear.

Please don’t do this. I know your heart is in the right place but you should respect her wishes this year and maybe talk again about it next year.
It happened to me in past where I was really strapped for cash (and I mean really) and I asked my closet friends if we could just stick to presents for the kids. One of them thought she was being kind by making me up a hamper but it just made me feel even more poor.
It would be nice if you could pop in with a treat though like a home made cake or arrange a night in with her & order a nice takeaway?

@MotherofTerriers

Make a hamper and leave it on her doorstep with a card from santa

God, this is so embarrassingly twee.

She’s an adult in her senses and has made a request. The best thing you can do is respect that.

It’s so weird when people insist on ignoring these requests. Like you know better. It’s a bit self-indulgent, really.

Going for a coffee and cake and making it your treat because she’s been good to you is ok, I think. Because it’s fairly standard for friends to treat each other in this way.

Anything else is risking embarrassing her and I can’t understand how that would be enjoyable for her.

Don't give her anything. She has asked you not to. by giving her something you are focused on you not her. ..because it makes you feel good. give her the best gift of all..less stress at xmas.