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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Boyfriend getting annoyed with contact with baby dad

201 replies

purplepolo · 05/10/2020 20:54

Sorry, I hate the term baby dad but I didnt want a really long title lol.

Just to give a bit of background, my ex and I split back in Feb due to his drug/alcohol abuse and domestic violence. Had no direct contact for the first few months and arranged all child contact through family members. Everything did calm down and we managed to get to a point where we could just discuss things directly but always just talking about the kids, with him sometimes waffling on about his life which I would just reply with oh right or mmm-ing just to keep the peace. There were occasions where if he disagreed on something for example child maintenence or days he was having the kids, he would get angry and hurl abuse down the phone but is just hang up and block him until I needed to.

Fast forward to now, there's no more of him being rude down the phone and everything is alot calmer. The issue I have is my boyfriend gets the hump with any conversation or any sort of contact.

What led me to post this was that I sent a photo on Facebook messenger to his mum of our children as the photo was really adorable, and asked her to send it to him (I don't have him on any social media , just text or phone calls ). He then rang me about 15 mins later to say the photo is adorable etc. Boyfriend got in a huff, and I'm pissed off at him being pissed off so I havent spoken to him and have taken myself off for a veryyyy long bath.

There have been a few times where I've nearly seen his points, he says this unblocking and blocking thing is like what people do in relationships when they argue (is it?) And I should just keep him blocked and go through family.

He previously got the hump when my ex last got angry on the phone and said why do I just let him talk to me like that. Which i replied that I dont actually care what he says to me, im beyond it and its just not worth the energy as it would like be arguing with a petulant child.

And then this whole photo thing, boyfriend says that ex can take his own photos , and if I hate him why am I OK with him ringing about it and why not just go through other people?

It just seems so petty that it annoys him. I'm trying to see his point of view, but in my head I dont think im doing something wrong by just trying to keep the peace and be a nice person. And also its just easier to just send ex a message rather than message his mum who then waits for him to get home etc. Ive given no reason for my boyfriend to think im up to no good, or anything like that, he just seems childish?

But please tell me if I am being unreasonable, I would like an outsiders view!

OP posts:
purplepolo · 05/10/2020 20:57

Ill also add that ex is going to court for the dv charges, just incase that is relevant, I know you all look into and ask everything lol

OP posts:
Chunkyetfunky90 · 05/10/2020 21:01

How long have you been with your BF for ?

Standrewsschool · 05/10/2020 21:02

Bf has got to accept that you have an ex, and has you have children with ex, ex is always going to be in the picture.

Also, if you split with ex in Feb, and with lockdown and the current situation, the you can’t have been with bf for very long, a matter of weeks? If so, he doesn’t get to dictate how you conduct your relationship with your ex.

If you’re happy with the level of contact with ex, then bf needs to respect that. Also, he needs to accept and respect that you have a good relationship with ex’s parents.

Leaannb · 05/10/2020 21:04

Your BF needs to grow up and get the hell over ot. The better you and your ex can communicate the better your child(ren) is. However, I would caution you to be careful not to let this contact be another way you can be abused. If he starts verbally abusing you on the phone then hang up

Oysterbabe · 05/10/2020 21:04

You've been with this man 5 minutes and he's being a dick. Dump him.

JKRforPM · 05/10/2020 21:04

The thing is OP the father of your children is always going to be a fixture in your life - and it is better for children if you can maintain a civil relationship so your BF needs to get over himself on this one. He needs to accept that you are committed to him and there is no cause for jealousy, or he needs to go.

purplepolo · 05/10/2020 21:07

We've been together since June x

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Mydogmylife · 05/10/2020 21:07

Although I agree that boyfriend should button it, (after all he seems fairly new on the scene) I do wonder why you are seemingly keen to maintain direct contact with your ex given the dv situation.

AriettyHomily · 05/10/2020 21:09

Boyfriend needs to accept you have a child with someone else and therefore will always have a relationship.

June? I'd get rid.

SuperCaliFragalistic · 05/10/2020 21:10

You really need to maintain a decent relationship with the father of your kids. It sounds like you are doing the best you can to keep it civil for the sake of your children and your BF needs to understand that. He's being jealous and childish.

pictish · 05/10/2020 21:10

I don’t think he’s been around long enough to chip in about arrangements and how you make them, has he? Four months. This is the getting-to-know-you stage surely?

Faez · 05/10/2020 21:11

Second what Mydog said

Sirzy · 05/10/2020 21:11

4 months in, sounds like things are moving way too fast. Slow it down and don’t involve him in anything children related for a long time! Although if he can’t accept having children means contact with their father then I would walk away

pictish · 05/10/2020 21:12

Has he moved in already?

nimbuscloud · 05/10/2020 21:12

Is your bf living with you?

user1473878824 · 05/10/2020 21:13

Get rid of the boyfriend. That’s only going to get worse. It’s been FOUR MONTHS people are usually on their best behaviour for longer than that.

Grapefruitcauliflower · 05/10/2020 21:14

he doesn’t get to dictate how you conduct your relationship with your ex.

This. It didn’t sound like he’s objecting to your contact because he’s concerned for your safety/wellbeing, it sounds like he’s jealous, immature and frankly, controlling. Sometimes we unconsciously repeat the same destructive relationship patterns - I’m not saying he’s as bad as your ex, but it might be worth giving this some thought (not judging btw - been there). He really doesn’t sound like a great catch based on what you’ve said, and life’s too short to put up with shit men.

FelicityPike · 05/10/2020 21:15

He’s a dick, get rid!
June?! No way, he gets NO say in what’s happening in your life.

purplepolo · 05/10/2020 21:15

@Mydogmylife its not that I'm keen to, its just easier for me. Ive gotten past the dv and put it behind me, im comfortable now with direct contact as I know that I wont be in that position again

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Planty13 · 05/10/2020 21:15

I think he needs to know his place and leave you to manage your own relationship with the father of your children. I wouldn’t like his thoughts on this either OP.

MaskingForIt · 05/10/2020 21:16

Sounds like you’ve replaced one controlling knob with another. Chuck the new BF and spend some time working on yourself before jumping into bed with someone else.

greeneyedlulu · 05/10/2020 21:16

Your boyfriend needs to realise that this isn't having a cosy chat with your ex for old times sake, it is what parents who have separated have to do. If he is getting this huffy about it now then you will have a rocky road ahead. You need to pull him up on it now before your relationship continues as he cannot and should not make you feel bad for being a good, communicative parent. He needs to grow up.

LolaSmiles · 05/10/2020 21:17

Your ex will be in your life for a long time and you're slowly working towards a civil relationship. That has to come first.

Your new boyfriend hasn't been on the scene 5 minutes and is already getting stroppy and throwing his weight around.

Things don't always sound right online so this is said with kindness, but have you considered that this could be another man with abusive potential and you might want to speak to someone neutral about your choices in men? To go from one abusive relationship, to single for a short period of time, to another relationship with a man who gets stroppy is a red flag to me that you might be in a vulnerable place.

Laureline · 05/10/2020 21:18

Your boyfriend sounds like hard work and I’m not a fan of the attitude you’re describing. BUT your ex sounds like a piece of work as well. Be careful.

purplepolo · 05/10/2020 21:18

I'm glad that I wasn't being unreasonable in thinking boyfriends behaviour isn't right. Big ol red flag but atleast its still early days. Its a shame as we do really get on in every other aspect, but im always going to have to have some form of contact with ex so this situation will never go away gutted!

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