Boyfriend getting annoyed with contact with baby dad

[purplepolo]

Sorry, I hate the term baby dad but I didnt want a really long title lol.

Just to give a bit of background, my ex and I split back in Feb due to his drug/alcohol abuse and domestic violence. Had no direct contact for the first few months and arranged all child contact through family members. Everything did calm down and we managed to get to a point where we could just discuss things directly but always just talking about the kids, with him sometimes waffling on about his life which I would just reply with oh right or mmm-ing just to keep the peace. There were occasions where if he disagreed on something for example child maintenence or days he was having the kids, he would get angry and hurl abuse down the phone but is just hang up and block him until I needed to.

Fast forward to now, there's no more of him being rude down the phone and everything is alot calmer. The issue I have is my boyfriend gets the hump with any conversation or any sort of contact.

What led me to post this was that I sent a photo on Facebook messenger to his mum of our children as the photo was really adorable, and asked her to send it to him (I don't have him on any social media , just text or phone calls ). He then rang me about 15 mins later to say the photo is adorable etc. Boyfriend got in a huff, and I'm pissed off at him being pissed off so I havent spoken to him and have taken myself off for a veryyyy long bath.

There have been a few times where I've nearly seen his points, he says this unblocking and blocking thing is like what people do in relationships when they argue (is it?) And I should just keep him blocked and go through family.

He previously got the hump when my ex last got angry on the phone and said why do I just let him talk to me like that. Which i replied that I dont actually care what he says to me, im beyond it and its just not worth the energy as it would like be arguing with a petulant child.

And then this whole photo thing, boyfriend says that ex can take his own photos , and if I hate him why am I OK with him ringing about it and why not just go through other people?

It just seems so petty that it annoys him. I'm trying to see his point of view, but in my head I dont think im doing something wrong by just trying to keep the peace and be a nice person. And also its just easier to just send ex a message rather than message his mum who then waits for him to get home etc. Ive given no reason for my boyfriend to think im up to no good, or anything like that, he just seems childish?

But please tell me if I am being unreasonable, I would like an outsiders view!

Does the boyfriend live with you ?

You posted a few weeks ago that he was moving out because he was fed up of your sister bringing random men back to your home for one night stands - even though your sister doesn’t live with you.
Please look into therapy and counselling for yourself so that you can understand why you seem to make poor choices.

Another vote for just being on your own for a while.

Maybe your bf is unsure where the boundaries are between you and ex.

He certainly does just have to get on with it tho

This is your child's father. He is going to stay in your life and it is best for the child you share if you can be amicable.

If your boyfriend can't deal with that, he needs to be with someone who has no children.

I would wonder when he would begin to resent my child too tbh.

Wait....so your sister lives with you too and brings random men home for one night stands? While your DC are in the house? Sounds like a very chaotic and unstable hooker/halfway house. What your DC need is stability. It seems like right now they live in a house of random comings and goings. Live on your OWN with your DC for awhile.

I disagree with others about your new BF. He sounds sensible to me and can see the problems with you allowing your ex who treated you like shit, to keep treating you like shit over the phone. To be honest I would recommend the BF run for the hills, because you sound like a complete mess and with far too much baggage.

@scotsllb

Rolls eyes

See my first paragraph. Cringing was trying to imply this is always the right approach (cutting all but basic contact). Whereas I'd say in cases where there is no abuse that is not in the interest of the children.

@aSofaNearYou

Because most sensible grownups realise children need looking after more than they do and shouldn't need their hand held to understand it. For your averagely intelligent and non-selfish adult this should go without saying.

@asofanearyou

And by the way, this is regardless of the parent's "expectations" - if this thread shows anything it is that all too often the parent's expectations for their kids are vanishingly low.

I agree with the folk that say you should not be introducing new men into this situation

Take a break from relationships at least until you have completed the Freedom Programme

All this angst is no good for your kids

Tell him your being a grown up and that means communicating with your child's father. If his rude your cutting communication for a short period to show that is not acceptable which has clearly worked. I'm guessing your partner has no children so does not understand. Where kids are concerned you communicate with the other parent whenever possible.

When you send ex an adorable pic and listen to him rambling on you are sending the message to him to him that it’s ok to treat you like shit.

You may not care but your children will start hearing and observing and think that’s normal.

How old are you?

Whoever you partner up with is going to have to accept your child has a father and you will be in communication with them on a regular basis because of this.

That’s just basic, and if they can’t handle that, they need to leave.

Because most sensible grownups realise children need looking after more than they do and shouldn't need their hand held to understand it. For your averagely intelligent and non-selfish adult this should go without saying.

Obviously the children need looking after. The comment I was addressing was saying when you get into a relationship with someone with kids you should know they come first on every single occasion, regardless of the details. From my experience of childless people, it's far more likely that they would expect families to work in such a way where the children are just one member of the group, and everyone is considered and weighed up equally. In fact, that was very much the norm for me growing up and is still how I see things.

Unless you have been a single parent or in a blended family situation, it's highly unlikely you will have much experience of an adult's needs clashing with a child's (or the complexities of coparenting with an ex), so there really is very little reason for the average childless person to know that their partner will have the mentality that their needs must be second to the child's in literally every scenario. That is just not the way most people see families.

I’m not a controlling boyfriend, but as a stranger on the internet who doesn’t “care” about you, I feel like saying to you, “WTF? This man disrespects you on the phone and is shortly going to be in court for assaulting you... so why are you sending photos of the kids via his mum and then chatting to him?”

Your boyfriend of 4 months doesn’t get to decide how you operate. Even with arsehole exes, where children are involved it can be practical to have a level of contact that you’d really prefer not to have.

But as a friend, I’d be asking you what you were doing over, so I’m not going to condemn the boyfriend for it.
M

A good friend wouldn't have pounced on her the second she was single

This!

And even if it was her pursuing him he'd have said she needs time and space to deal with ex first

@aSofaNearYou sorry but I agree a healthy, sane and sensible childless adult should be perfectly capable of understanding that children's NEEDS take priority over an adults at all times. That's just common sense

Seems like you could use some time alone to process this. If I read the timeline right, you started the new relationship 4 months after splitting with ex? That just doesn't seem long enough to process everything that happened.

A good friend of mine split from her abusive ex, and for a long time she was very back-and & forth with how she felt, devastated, furious, confused, minimising and hoping to be friends. And they didn't have kids, so there was no need for ongoing contact.

She's doing much better now. But 4 months in I think a new partner would have struggled with those ongoing emotions. And equally she would have been more vulnerable to making a bad choice.

So maybe you need to take time to yourself, spend your energy on your family and friends, and wait till your life has settled into more stability before dating.

Why did you have a baby with this utter man of trash? I'm guessing unplanned pregnancy because nobody in their right mind would get pregnant purposefully by someone like this.

Seems like you've gone from one asshole to another.

sorry but I agree a healthy, sane and sensible childless adult should be perfectly capable of understanding that children's NEEDS take priority over an adults at all times. That's just common sense

Yes, which doesn't really apply in this scenario as a childless person with no experience in this area will have very little frame of reference with which to assume things like OP having friendly/abusive phone calls with the kids dad when the children aren't around, is something they NEED. I'd say that's still debatable, but whilst those with experience will know the advantages of that kind of amicable relationship between parents and how that can trickle down to the kids, it's not the kind of thing I would expect someone with no experience of children from separated parents to know unquestioningly. The idea of continuing to have friendly chats with your abuser is alien and unsettling to most, despite being a brutal reality for some parents.

Plus, he doesn't even sound to be complaining for his own sake, it bothers him that she allows it for herself. Not understanding why she would put the need for an amicable rather than just civil relationship above her need not to continue being abused by this man is not as unreasonable as people are presenting it as.

@aSofaNearYou

As I said in my original reply to @CringeInwardly, in THIS case it is sensible for the OP to step back and minimise contact with her ex both for herself and her child. Because he is abusive.

But Cringe was suggesting that seperated parents should ALWAYS reduce contact to the bare minimum required once they have "moved on" - presumably this means when they get involved with a new partner.

When actually, if a friendly relationship is safe and possible, that is what is usually best for the children involved. And any new partner should understand that if an ongoing friendly relationship with their ex is what's best for their shared kids, their partner should do that. Because that's what being a good parent is - putting your kid's best interests ahead of anyone else's, including your own.

Replace boyfriend with best friend in this scenario and the responses would be much different. The best friend would be seen as acting out of concern. But everyone jumps to the boyfriend just being a controlling dick. Why is that?

@MintyMabel

Because the boyfriend has taken up and MOVED IN WITH a woman with children who was 4 months out of an abusive relationship. This is not a man who is interested in an equal power dynamic in the relationship. It displays extremely poor judgment at best, manipulative behaviour at best.

Honestly, I can see both sides to this.

Eg if your ex has previously been violent towards you, it would surely be better to keep contact with him to a minimum to protect yourself? So going out of your way to send the photo and initiate contact is a tiny bit strange if you ex is a physical threat

@violetindigolilac

You do sound a bit enmeshed with your abuser. Why is that?

I think this is also what the new boyfriend is thinking. To be honest, it's him I'd suggest runs like the wind.

...

MintyMabel A best friend would express concern but the boyfriend is making it about him.