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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend getting annoyed with contact with baby dad

201 replies

purplepolo · 05/10/2020 20:54

Sorry, I hate the term baby dad but I didnt want a really long title lol.

Just to give a bit of background, my ex and I split back in Feb due to his drug/alcohol abuse and domestic violence. Had no direct contact for the first few months and arranged all child contact through family members. Everything did calm down and we managed to get to a point where we could just discuss things directly but always just talking about the kids, with him sometimes waffling on about his life which I would just reply with oh right or mmm-ing just to keep the peace. There were occasions where if he disagreed on something for example child maintenence or days he was having the kids, he would get angry and hurl abuse down the phone but is just hang up and block him until I needed to.

Fast forward to now, there's no more of him being rude down the phone and everything is alot calmer. The issue I have is my boyfriend gets the hump with any conversation or any sort of contact.

What led me to post this was that I sent a photo on Facebook messenger to his mum of our children as the photo was really adorable, and asked her to send it to him (I don't have him on any social media , just text or phone calls ). He then rang me about 15 mins later to say the photo is adorable etc. Boyfriend got in a huff, and I'm pissed off at him being pissed off so I havent spoken to him and have taken myself off for a veryyyy long bath.

There have been a few times where I've nearly seen his points, he says this unblocking and blocking thing is like what people do in relationships when they argue (is it?) And I should just keep him blocked and go through family.

He previously got the hump when my ex last got angry on the phone and said why do I just let him talk to me like that. Which i replied that I dont actually care what he says to me, im beyond it and its just not worth the energy as it would like be arguing with a petulant child.

And then this whole photo thing, boyfriend says that ex can take his own photos , and if I hate him why am I OK with him ringing about it and why not just go through other people?

It just seems so petty that it annoys him. I'm trying to see his point of view, but in my head I dont think im doing something wrong by just trying to keep the peace and be a nice person. And also its just easier to just send ex a message rather than message his mum who then waits for him to get home etc. Ive given no reason for my boyfriend to think im up to no good, or anything like that, he just seems childish?

But please tell me if I am being unreasonable, I would like an outsiders view!

OP posts:
Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 05/10/2020 21:19

If he is getting annoyed because he is jealous, he is bvu. If he's getting annoyed because he gets upset about your ex being disrespectful and upsetting you, I can see his point.

You don't have to gmhave contact with someone who was abusive towards you. Infact, it might be better to go through family.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 05/10/2020 21:20

YABU to think that your boyfriend should have to deal with the blocking/unblocking drama of it all - this is still the 'fun' stage and tbh it doesn't sound a lot of fun.

However, he is massively U to think it's ok to try and dictate how you build a relationship with your ex in terms of co-parenting. You and your Ex need to work on things so that you're not playing games; whilst that goes on neither of you will be ready for a relationship.

Also, the most U part of this all is that your boyfriend of 3 months has met your DC. That didn't need to happen.

Mydogmylife · 05/10/2020 21:20

Fair enough op. I'm just concerned that you are opening yourself up for bother from ex, given the description of his behaviour on the phone. You may have got past the dv, doesn't mean he won't behave like that again . Take care

knittingaddict · 05/10/2020 21:20

If your ex is going to court for domestic abuse I'm amazed that he is having unsupervised contact with your children. Is there no social services involvement?

My daughter left her husband for domestic abuse and it was made clear that social services would intervene if she went back to him and if she didn't protect her children. Surely the family court is involved?

If he is actually being prosecuted for abusing you, it's more usual to have non molestation orders rather than conversations and photo sharing.

You do sound a bit enmeshed with your abuser. Why is that?

Mydogmylife · 05/10/2020 21:21

@knittingaddict
My concerns exactly

malificent7 · 05/10/2020 21:24

I was jealous of dps ex at first as they seemed very close to her. However, over time I could see that he was infact over her and now i am glad they have a friendship.
Mind you I don't approve of the way she treated him in the past. Perhaps the new man feels the same?

Daphnise · 05/10/2020 21:24

It sounds to me as if you have reasons of your own not connected with child care for wanting to keep contact, but are not admitting it.

So unless the new man is annoying and controlling generally, and you do value the new relationship, you could cut down this contact to the bare minimum.

Pickagoddamnname · 05/10/2020 21:25

I think he’s way overstepping and you should reconsider the relationship. Did you complete any domestic abuse work such as the freedom programme after your ex because to me this sounds like it could be a potential control situation with new bf.

But I would also limit contact with your ex. I’m not sure why he needs to ring you to say cute photo, surely that can be relayed at the next contact?

Shelby2010 · 05/10/2020 21:27

Sounds like you’ve got out of one crap relationship & dived straight into another. As a previous poster said your BF sounds more concerned with controlling you than caring about your wellbeing.
Get rid.

conduitoffortune · 05/10/2020 21:29

Agree with a couple of previous posters that it's unnecessary for your violent and abusive ex partner to ring you to discuss the cute picture you forwarded via his mum.

Nottherealslimshady · 05/10/2020 21:30

Sounds like you've gone from one abusive relationship to another. He's no right to control what contact you have with the father of your child.

knittingaddict · 05/10/2020 21:31

My daughter was told that if the cps decided to take the ex to court it would mean an automatic non molestation order. Isn't your ex angry about being prosecuted?

stealthmama · 05/10/2020 21:31

I don't think it's fair to wholly blame the bf here. You've detailed a very hot and cold/ on/ off contact relationship with your ex and at times that is abusive with shouting and blocking that he has witnessed. Given there was DV involved and a rocky road since, it is a bit unusual that you are sending photos. It's not necessary for you to do that, just as it wasn't necessary for ex to phone you about the photo. Your Bf is confused about your contradictory behaviour and I think I would be too.

You both seem to be maintaining a relationship with each other under the guise that it's about the kids. This doesn't sound healthy for anyone.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 05/10/2020 21:33

A boyfriend who’s been with you a matter of months should pipe down.

user1471457751 · 05/10/2020 21:34

Tbd I'm not sure I could be in a relationship where my partner was having friendly chats with their abusive ex. You can't have a decent co-parenting relationship with an abuser. It seems like you're in denial about the seriousness of domestic violence and what he did to you. Please be careful inviting your ex into your life in the way you are.

littlenickyy61 · 05/10/2020 21:35

it seems a bit like you are in danger of being controlled by 2 men. Your new boyfriend deciding on your behalf the level of contact with your ex that he deems acceptable or unacceptable and a level of control from your ex that is making you behave in a way to keep the peace and appease him. Please be careful.

Freddiefox · 05/10/2020 21:37

Less than four months, your boyfriend really doesn’t get to tell you how to manage your relationship with your children’s dad.
Your children are the most important thing and it’s better for them if ex and you a Have a functioning relationship.
You and your ex have only recently separated so it takes time for things to calm down and to develop a form of communication that suits you.
You need to be careful of your boyfriend he sound very controlling and you are just at the start of your relationship.

FedUpAtHomeTroels · 05/10/2020 21:38

This is not the boyfriend for you.
He's trying to control things already.
Just to add, no, the blocking thing is not something adults in a relationship do. You do it for a good reason.
He needs to wind his neck in or get lost.

Seymoursyourfriend · 05/10/2020 21:38

Has your BF of just over 3 months moved in OP?

FamBae · 05/10/2020 21:40

I agree with stealthmama.

DeliciouslyFemale · 05/10/2020 21:42

OP, I mean this respectfully, but how about taking a break from men, for a bit? You’ve a lot to deal with and I think you need to wait until the dust from that has settled. Unfortunately, I think you’ve jumped from the frying pan into the fire.

Mydogmylife · 05/10/2020 21:44

Normally I would agree that contact between op and ex is totally their business , but the DV prosecution in the mix worries me, and I think op should maybe think long and hard about her communication with her ex. Something seems a bit off to me- would you want to be sending cosy chats and photos to your abuser?

knittingaddict · 05/10/2020 21:45

@Freddiefox

Less than four months, your boyfriend really doesn’t get to tell you how to manage your relationship with your children’s dad. Your children are the most important thing and it’s better for them if ex and you a Have a functioning relationship. You and your ex have only recently separated so it takes time for things to calm down and to develop a form of communication that suits you. You need to be careful of your boyfriend he sound very controlling and you are just at the start of your relationship.
Co parenting with abusive men is completely different to co parenting with a decent man. There is no amicable or functioning. It is always better to keep communication to the bare minimim and not blur the boundaries. Give them an inch and they will try to wreck your life.
GwendolineMarysLaces · 05/10/2020 21:45

@Grapefruitcauliflower

he doesn’t get to dictate how you conduct your relationship with your ex.

This. It didn’t sound like he’s objecting to your contact because he’s concerned for your safety/wellbeing, it sounds like he’s jealous, immature and frankly, controlling. Sometimes we unconsciously repeat the same destructive relationship patterns - I’m not saying he’s as bad as your ex, but it might be worth giving this some thought (not judging btw - been there). He really doesn’t sound like a great catch based on what you’ve said, and life’s too short to put up with shit men.

This!! The fact that your new partner is being so controlling especially after such a short time is a massive red flag. You'd be better on your own.
DasPepe · 05/10/2020 21:46

If you think this is “just early days” it also you’re not worried about dv as “it won’t happen again” then perhaps you are walking into another controlling situation? There should be no doubt on your side that it’s none of his business at this stage of the relationship. Your comment about leaving to have a bath also sounds a bit like you are avoiding this confrontation? If he thinks that it’s any of his business at this stage then perhaps he is a controlling knob as people have said.
Please don’t give up the peace you’ve built for some opinionated douchebag