Boyfriend getting annoyed with contact with baby dad

[purplepolo]

Sorry, I hate the term baby dad but I didnt want a really long title lol.

Just to give a bit of background, my ex and I split back in Feb due to his drug/alcohol abuse and domestic violence. Had no direct contact for the first few months and arranged all child contact through family members. Everything did calm down and we managed to get to a point where we could just discuss things directly but always just talking about the kids, with him sometimes waffling on about his life which I would just reply with oh right or mmm-ing just to keep the peace. There were occasions where if he disagreed on something for example child maintenence or days he was having the kids, he would get angry and hurl abuse down the phone but is just hang up and block him until I needed to.

Fast forward to now, there's no more of him being rude down the phone and everything is alot calmer. The issue I have is my boyfriend gets the hump with any conversation or any sort of contact.

What led me to post this was that I sent a photo on Facebook messenger to his mum of our children as the photo was really adorable, and asked her to send it to him (I don't have him on any social media , just text or phone calls ). He then rang me about 15 mins later to say the photo is adorable etc. Boyfriend got in a huff, and I'm pissed off at him being pissed off so I havent spoken to him and have taken myself off for a veryyyy long bath.

There have been a few times where I've nearly seen his points, he says this unblocking and blocking thing is like what people do in relationships when they argue (is it?) And I should just keep him blocked and go through family.

He previously got the hump when my ex last got angry on the phone and said why do I just let him talk to me like that. Which i replied that I dont actually care what he says to me, im beyond it and its just not worth the energy as it would like be arguing with a petulant child.

And then this whole photo thing, boyfriend says that ex can take his own photos , and if I hate him why am I OK with him ringing about it and why not just go through other people?

It just seems so petty that it annoys him. I'm trying to see his point of view, but in my head I dont think im doing something wrong by just trying to keep the peace and be a nice person. And also its just easier to just send ex a message rather than message his mum who then waits for him to get home etc. Ive given no reason for my boyfriend to think im up to no good, or anything like that, he just seems childish?

But please tell me if I am being unreasonable, I would like an outsiders view!

I'll say to you the same thing I say to all the women who seem to follow this pattern.

A new relationship should be the absolute last thing on your mind. Way down the list. Waaaaaay down there.

Your children have grown up in s domestic abuse situation and have endured the break up of their family. Their father sounds volatile and violent. They need your full attention to heal and restabilise. That is a major job and you have NO TIME for this man and his bullshit. Your ex alas you have to make time to deal with his as he is the father of your kids. But this randomer you've been with 5 minutes? He doesn't warrant even the smallest bit of headspace.

How many threads have you written asking for advice about how to coparent effectively, how to ensure your children's mental health after all this upheaval etc?

But you find the time not just to set up a relationship with this bloke but actually to worry what he thinks about how you manage your situation?

Seriously. Drop him and refocus your attention where it ought to be.

Please end it. And whatever you do make sure you don’t get pregnant!
Focus on developing yourself as an independent woman - don’t fall into the trap of thinking you must have a man at any cost.

Your new bf shouldn't be involved because at this stage you should be dating. The speed that you have rushed this means you haven't allowed time to know him. You don't know someone from a distance.

Have you ever been single? Why not be alone for a while.. your children need some stability not being dragged into relationships that may not last.

Take the Freedom Programme, OP. You're not the first and you wo't be the last who goes from one type of abusive relationship to another. Your bf says he is "concerned", but is actually dictating.

You only split in Feb and your ex is in court soon for DV with whom you are maintaining contact with and you have a new b/f. Crikey OP, not making life easy for yourself!
I'm glad you talked to your b/f about why he was upset as his reasons are very valid. Also, why bring someone new into your life if you don't want them to care?
I'm surprised the courts allow you to remain in direct contact with your ex tbh, surely it's a safeguarding issue as well?
Maybe put your new b/f on hold until the court case is over and you've established better boundaries going forward.

Your bf has known you for some time so he is questioning why you are having direct contact with your ex who is going to court for dv against you. In that context it sounds less controlling and more that he thinks you're extremely naive under the circumstances in not being consistent in keeping contact through a family member.

Perhaps take his advice about your ex

To be honest you seriously need to look at this new relationship. Without trying to be brutal but you have not long come out of an abusive relationship and you are now in a relationship since June and even i as an outsider is seeing red flags. I dont think you are doing anything wrong with the ex as long as you keep your eye out for him trying to manipulate you but to be frank the current is showing all the signs of trying to make you feel crap about something you havent done wrong...do you see the signs now. I would spend some time alone for now until you are fully confident on recognising signs as i can see you are questioning currents behaviours but the fact you have to ask when most of us with no ties would run for the hills. Hope you get sorted and understand we say these things not to be nasty but we are concerned for you xxx

Well, to be honest I can see why bf was hacked off with all the drama and the bad treatment you received at the hands of your ex, especially if as you say he's known you for a long time before you got together, and maybe saw all the dv etc
However, I really don't think you should be even considering another relationship at the moment so whether he's controlling or not is not relevant - you should be taking a time out from both him and cutting direct contact with your ex . Concentrate on yourself and you children

Sounds like you’ve jumped from one controlling relationship to another
Not meant to sound harsh but your relationship only ended in Feb... that’s not that long ago especially given the world paused for a while
You maybe need to insist on some boundaries for both of them

The new boyfriend doesn't respect your right to make your own decisions about YOUR relationship with the father of your child.

Fuck that.

It's got nothing to do with him, certainly not this soon.
He doesn't respect you as a person.

Op why not have some counselling (look on BACP website) and find a space to talk all this through.

I think there are big issues that mumsnet can't solve. I don't think after 4 months a partner shld be telling you what to do - wouldn't it be healthier if he supported you as you navigated your way into building a sustainable relationship with your ex?)

It just isn't his business and he shouldn't be making you feel ashamed for trying to build a safe and working relationship.

This might sound harsh but you sure know how to pick them. Regardless of the fact you have kids why would it be a good idea to contact someone who was violent towards you? You send photos to his mum to keep him in the loop which is good of you . I agree that the blocking/unblocking sends mixed messages when quite frankly you should be sending a very clear one.

As for the new boyfriend, I think he has made some valid points but he does not get to dictate anything to you. As an adult you can make your own decisions, good or bad. He is overstepping the mark and I would either reaffirm boundaries or ditch him.

You don't need a man around to have some self worth maybe focus your energies on yourself and your kids for a while instead. Best of luck x

I agree with the above. I split with my husband (3 kids) 6 years ago. I've not had a date since and still not ready. That's not to say everyone should wait this long but it takes time to get over something like this properly. You have to learn to love yourself again and become independent. Grown to love life by myself and anyone coming in and overtaking like this scares the sh*t out of me now.

Op

To be honest I think you should spend some time on your own and get some boundaries in place

It sounds like you have possibly swapped one abuser for another of a different flavour.

To be honest I think you're putting him in a pretty difficult position, you have a lot of very raw "baggage". Plus if I was a few months into a relationship with someone I wouldn't particularly relish them taking phone calls with their ex during our time together. It's a lot to expect a new partner to be ok with, though of course people on MN think new partner's should be fine about everything. I don't think it bodes well that you are already irritated by him struggling with that aspect of the relationship. Perhaps it's not right for either of you.

This early on new boyfriend really shouldn't even be having contact with your kids let alone commenting on your parenting.

You need support to navigate the new situation with your ex

What support do you have in real life that is NOT the boyfriend?

Right now you need to focus on

Staying safe

Keeping your kids safe

Helping your kids recover from having been in an abusive addictive home (their heads must be spinning with all the trauma and change!)

Raising your kids in an INCREDIBLY difficult co parenting situation

There's NO room mentally/emotionally for a new boyfriend to be honest

Prioritise your kids

I dont know why people are calling the new BF abusive.

If I were him I would be getting a bit pissed off with it all too. Infact I did get pissed off with current DP when he seemed to spend alot of time on the phone to his ex (also the mother of his eldest) when she'd ring at least once a day and text multiple times too - there's just no need for it.

I'm definitely not abusive nor holding red flags.

Contact should be kept to a minimum once both parties have moved on and should only be about the shared DC. He doesn't need to ring you to discuss photos and what not.

Given the fact there was DV I don't think you should be chatting casually with him at all. If you need to speak then it should only be when absolutely nessecary.

And I dont understand why ive not thought of that myself, I just tend to block things out so could this be just a coping mechanism?

Trauma does tend to cause that. If so, dealing with the trauma properly in a safe way needs to happen before it will stop (with a therapist trained in trauma - the wrong approach can make it worse, e.g. counselling is not recommended as it can embed trauma instead of healing it, but other effective therapies exist).

I get that telling yourself it's all healed and fine and dandy makes you feel more in control and safe again, but it's not very realistic. As you say yourself you haven't been asserting proper boundaries because you were too focused on continuing to be compliant/nice - you haven't actually broken free of the pattern of abuse. So you might not have that shaken up feeling anymore but you do have lots of damage and injuries waiting for your attention.

Abuse and the trauma and mental conditioning it causes take time to resolve. You didn't give yourself time to do that: exiting a violent situation in Feb, jumping into a new relationship in Jun (without someone who felt like a rescuer?) rushing off at break neck pace til Oct.

I would have been sceptical about someone recovering from DV from Feb to Oct, let alone with a new relationship in the middle. It just doesn't happen that fast - it's not how the human brain works.

Rushing off into new things and trying to make life perfect is a common way of running from trauma. Either because it leaves no time to think or feel or anything, or as a way to try to overwrite the bad stuff as if it will then disappear. (It doesn't. )

Unfortunately they're only effective as survival strategies, not for living a healthy and satisfying life with good relationships.

Freedom Programme could really help you. It's info not therapy, about the dynamics of abuse, how it affects you, how healthy relationships look, etc etc.

Therapy would probably also help you process all this stuff so it stops following you around and tripping you up. It's not weakness or failing to take up that kind of help.

Good luck.

It’s not that he’s upset that is the problem so much as him trying to control how the op interacts with other people.

@knittingaddict

If your ex is going to court for domestic abuse I'm amazed that he is having unsupervised contact with your children. Is there no social services involvement?

My daughter left her husband for domestic abuse and it was made clear that social services would intervene if she went back to him and if she didn't protect her children. Surely the family court is involved?

If he is actually being prosecuted for abusing you, it's more usual to have non molestation orders rather than conversations and photo sharing.

You do sound a bit enmeshed with your abuser. Why is that?

Yes exactly this.

@noirchatsdeux woah Well that was seriously uncalled for. My children do come first thank you, this is a miniscule part of my life of which I'm asking advice for? My children are happy, healthy and want for nothing. There is absolutely no need to be that rude to someone.

Also I have mentioned that I have known this person for a long time, but we have been on a relationship level for 4 months.

Your boyfriend is a twat. Sorry.

And you need to be single for a bit longer than a free months to stabilise your relationship with your child.

Read Graphista post again and again.

Basically dump this guy, and spend some time alone with your DC.