Boyfriend getting annoyed with contact with baby dad

[purplepolo]

Sorry, I hate the term baby dad but I didnt want a really long title lol.

Just to give a bit of background, my ex and I split back in Feb due to his drug/alcohol abuse and domestic violence. Had no direct contact for the first few months and arranged all child contact through family members. Everything did calm down and we managed to get to a point where we could just discuss things directly but always just talking about the kids, with him sometimes waffling on about his life which I would just reply with oh right or mmm-ing just to keep the peace. There were occasions where if he disagreed on something for example child maintenence or days he was having the kids, he would get angry and hurl abuse down the phone but is just hang up and block him until I needed to.

Fast forward to now, there's no more of him being rude down the phone and everything is alot calmer. The issue I have is my boyfriend gets the hump with any conversation or any sort of contact.

What led me to post this was that I sent a photo on Facebook messenger to his mum of our children as the photo was really adorable, and asked her to send it to him (I don't have him on any social media , just text or phone calls ). He then rang me about 15 mins later to say the photo is adorable etc. Boyfriend got in a huff, and I'm pissed off at him being pissed off so I havent spoken to him and have taken myself off for a veryyyy long bath.

There have been a few times where I've nearly seen his points, he says this unblocking and blocking thing is like what people do in relationships when they argue (is it?) And I should just keep him blocked and go through family.

He previously got the hump when my ex last got angry on the phone and said why do I just let him talk to me like that. Which i replied that I dont actually care what he says to me, im beyond it and its just not worth the energy as it would like be arguing with a petulant child.

And then this whole photo thing, boyfriend says that ex can take his own photos , and if I hate him why am I OK with him ringing about it and why not just go through other people?

It just seems so petty that it annoys him. I'm trying to see his point of view, but in my head I dont think im doing something wrong by just trying to keep the peace and be a nice person. And also its just easier to just send ex a message rather than message his mum who then waits for him to get home etc. Ive given no reason for my boyfriend to think im up to no good, or anything like that, he just seems childish?

But please tell me if I am being unreasonable, I would like an outsiders view!

[quote purplepolo]@noirchatsdeux woah Well that was seriously uncalled for. My children do come first thank you, this is a miniscule part of my life of which I'm asking advice for? My children are happy, healthy and want for nothing. There is absolutely no need to be that rude to someone.

Also I have mentioned that I have known this person for a long time, but we have been on a relationship level for 4 months.[/quote]
But they do want for something -stability. Which they haven't had with domestic violence, a father who has drug and alcohol problems- less that 9 months ago you split. 9 months and now he is father of the year? 9 months -to recover as a child from a serious domestic violence incident and a father with drug and alcohol problems. Firstly if my ex was yours -he wouldn't have come near the kids not with domestic violence issues and drug / alcohol problems. Lock down March -July -why the hell have you introduce a random newbie -you aren't stable the situation is volatile and toxic. You don't message someone who is going to court for domestic violence -you PROTECT the children and keep them away. Trust me I've been there. I put my children first -no man came near us for 3 years. None. My ex didn't come near the children for unsupervised access for a year -and even then it was court ordered. Get some perspective. From the DC point of view -mum was attacked by dad -this is serious shit. They need counselling. And no one else matters.

I mean this kindly but you need to commit to being single for a good year or two. To go from DV to a new relationship within 4 months is highly concerning and it's no surprise he sounds like a bad egg too. Work on yourself and your boundaries and focus on your children.

My children are happy, healthy and want for nothing

Superficially this May be true but as it's only been 7/8 MONTHS since they were living in an abusive home you cannot yet possibly know the med to long term effect that's had on them - I speak as someone who grew up in an abusive home.

I do think that post was on the harsh side, but the distilled content is not inaccurate

Actions speak louder than words, your kids need you to SHOW them you're prioritising them by focusing your time and attention on them - not something you can do with a boyfriend distracting you when you already have enough on your plate

You rushed into another relationship when the issues from the last one were barely BEGINNING to be dealt with.

Dump the boyfriend and focus on your kids and your (plural you and the kids) recovery

@CringeInwardly

Contact should be kept to a minimum once both parties have moved on and should only be about the shared DC. He doesn't need to ring you to discuss photos and what not.

In the OP's case there was abuse so withdrawing is sensible.

In an amicable breakup and co-parenting relationship, how is it beneficial to the children for their parents (who to be fair know each other well and presumably like each other well enough) to have a rigidly formal, frosty relationship where all contact is "kept to a minimum"? I can see why it would be better for the new partner, as they can then pretend their partner doesn't have a relationship with their ex which is indissoluble (because of the children). But what about the kids? Surely best for them to have friendly parents who get on well?

Sorry but it you take up with someone with kids (and kids who have experienced the trauma of family breakup) you need to know from day dot your needs come in behind theirs. Always. So you don't get to muck up a perfectly good co-parenting relationship because you're insecure.

One of the reasons I wouldn't take up with someone with kids! But you make that choice you should know what you're committing to.

It is 7 months since you split with a violent drug user who is being taken to court for violence against you.

Why on earth are you engaging with him? Sending cute photos? but he then is rude to you but you are ‘beyond it’..

The police must despair. They are trying to deal with domestic violence but you are busy sending your abuser adorable pictures. It could seriously undermine the court case.

And within 7 months you have a man in your household who is telling you what to do in a ‘Getting the hump ‘ sort of way rather than supporting you through the aftermath of domestic violence.

Have you received any support or counselling following the abuse? Have you looked at The Freedom Programme?

You don’t seem to know who you are or what your boundaries should be right now. That’s totally understandable. You’ve had a terrible time. You need the strength to fight in court for you and your children. I think you really could do without the distraction of a partner until you’re on a more even keel and have worked out your boundaries. When you have spent some time alone, understood and gathered who you really are, you will be ready to find someone. If this guy is kind and understanding, maybe he will wait or be a friend.

Be cautious about contact with ex even messaging - that could have an impact on the court case further down the line. Your ex may see it as you "forgiving and forgetting"...

Hope I'm wrong but it sounds as if the bf could be stepping into ex partners shoes/pattern of behaviour...

You haven’t answered the question which has been asked several times...have you moved him in already? Your evasiveness says yes, you have.
Noircharsdeux’s post may well be crude and unconcerned with your feelings but the sentiment is fair. I agree with her in principle even if I would not have been so harsh in the delivery.
You’ve gone from one shitty relationship and rushed headlong into another. You could spend some time thinking about why you did that.

If you have known the new bf as a friend previously he will know your situation/history and that should make him kinder to you than he sounds... Give yourself a break in all senses

Ugh, you've only been seeing each other since June and he's already sticking his oar in and passing judgement about your baby's dad?

To be honest I think I'd be rethinking the whole thing. You barely know each other yet, you've just started seeing each other. It's supposed to be fun and light and sexy. This just sounds like a headache. It's absolutely none of his business what kind of contact arrangements you have with your child's father. He seems to think that he's now an entrenched part of you and your child's life and that you need to answer to him.

Life is too short for all this shit. Just focus on you and DD for now.

@purplepolo

Thanks everyone for your messages, youve all opened my eyes and I have decided to carry on going through family even if sometimes it does make things awkward, and I have been rather naive in thinking that things could be civil so soon and think im just being too nice even maintaining contact. Court is also in the next couple weeks so things are bound to turn sour.

And you are all right I clearly do have quite poor taste in men ( daddy issues - sorry ) . I have known my boyfriend for a very long time and thought he was one of the nice ones

I actually think your bf is noticing what some of us have - that you haven't yet got through to real detachment from your ex, and that the current contact isn't necessarily the best way to go. I think he's trying to help you.

I think if he seems annoyed it's because he's a bit frustrated that you are continuing to expose yourself. He cares about you and knows this DV baby dad has to be totally gone.

I really would NOT ditch him. He's looking out for you like a big brother.

It is VERY tricky to work out how you pitch yourself and deal with contact with an abusive ex with whom you have kids. Very. I honestly think you should get some counselling to help you through and steer you to the best set up for the kids and you.

I think this bf IS a good guy. You've known him a long time. He's watched you suffer. He knows texting and talking with the ex is a slippery slope.

My advice is keep the bf, listen to him and get counselling.

BF should accept you need to maintain a relationship with ex because of child.

You should block ex in everything and set up an email or cheap PAYG for contact relating to the child.

All too intertwined at the moment.

And no don't be paranoid the bf is bad - I really don't think he is. He is sensible.

Your partner has to be able to give you his advice over this. And I think it's good advice.

We aren't talking an amicable divorce and a good father and new bf is jealous.

We are talking an abusive ex and long time friend turned bf saying stop talking to this asshole.

@lunalulu

A good friend wouldn't have pounced on her the second she was single. In the same way her judgment on the timing of this relationship is dreadful, so is his. I don't want to be a cliche but isn't ANYONE thinking of the children in this?

"I have spoken to boyfriend and his view is hes sick of the blocking and unblocking drama, and is struggling to come to terms with after everything ex has done why would I want to have direct contact. Which I can see clearly now hes explained that that is his reasoning for being annoyed "
" I've swapped the situation round and id be upset if the shoe was on the other foot"

Would you be annoyed though? Would you show annoyance in the same way as your new bf is, or would you be supportive? How, is your bf showing annoyance? Are you already altering your behaviour to keep him happy? He doesn't have to come to terms with it, you have to. He is helping you do that, he's reacting with anger because you aren't doing as he tells you.

My DD went through DV, two children involved. Via the domestic violence service she went through the freedom programme and after Court went through additional counselling. He problem is that you've involved your new bf too soon. My advice to my DD was to do the FP and go and have fun. She casually dated for a year.

Your children have suffered living in a DV household. You've been a different type of Mother while living in it. You've got to stop minimising that. The danger is that life is now about your new bf, not you, rebuilding a life with your children. You've accepted verbal abuse from your ex, he's still abusing you. We are now three years down the line and my DD's ex is still trying to abuse us, it doesn't stop. You've got to learn boundaries, if just to be able to teach them to your children. They learn by example.

If your new bf has moved in then that's a red flag in itself, without his anger. You aren't acting in the best interests of your children, or your own.

@lunalulu, there comes a time when all big brothers and fathers have to accept that the little girl has grown up and is entitled to make her own decisions. Men don't get to be angry with us because we don't do as we are told. That's not supportive and not how you behave towards someone vulnerable. As said, he's pounced on a vulnerable woman and moved himself in.

You do sound a bit enmeshed with your abuser. Why is that?

I think this is also what the new boyfriend is thinking. To be honest, it's him I'd suggest runs like the wind.

I feel like I must be missing something here because as usual MN has taken that your boyfriend has grumbled about something and acted like he is trying to forbid you from talking to your ex. Questioning the situation and why you do the things you do is not "controlling" you, it is just that - questioning. It's entirely natural and normal in a relationship to discuss these things, it doesn't mean any orders are being issued. And it's also not surprising that he struggles with the situation.

You're asking him to accept a lot and MN would have you believe he's a controlling bastard for ever saying anything on the subject other than "yes dear".

[quote VeniceQueen2004]@CringeInwardly

Contact should be kept to a minimum once both parties have moved on and should only be about the shared DC. He doesn't need to ring you to discuss photos and what not.

In the OP's case there was abuse so withdrawing is sensible.

In an amicable breakup and co-parenting relationship, how is it beneficial to the children for their parents (who to be fair know each other well and presumably like each other well enough) to have a rigidly formal, frosty relationship where all contact is "kept to a minimum"? I can see why it would be better for the new partner, as they can then pretend their partner doesn't have a relationship with their ex which is indissoluble (because of the children). But what about the kids? Surely best for them to have friendly parents who get on well?

Sorry but it you take up with someone with kids (and kids who have experienced the trauma of family breakup) you need to know from day dot your needs come in behind theirs. Always. So you don't get to muck up a perfectly good co-parenting relationship because you're insecure.

One of the reasons I wouldn't take up with someone with kids! But you make that choice you should know what you're committing to.[/quote]
You cannot have an amicable relationship with a drug using domestic abuser

He's ridiculous. Of course you need contact and will do for the rest of your lives. If he can't cope with this break up. Only this am dp was on the phone to his exw, there was a particular reason she called but after they had a general friendly discussion and she asked after me too. I'm seeing her next week and it's all pleasant as it should be, we have past lives and we celebrate it rather than let it be a point of contention

Your bf is behaving like an entitled insecure brat. Tell him to grow up or get out. More controlling behaviour from him too, trying to tell you how to manage your childcare situation and he's only with you since June. I'd get rid, take some time for yourself and let yourself heal from the previous arsehole. You deserve so much better and someone who understands that it's good for the kids too see healthy communication between their parents even though they are not together. Good luck X

Sorry but it you take up with someone with kids (and kids who have experienced the trauma of family breakup) you need to know from day dot your needs come in behind theirs. Always.

Bit of a tangent but I'm always curious to know why someone with no children would be expected to automatically know that some parents have this expectation? I had never encountered such black and white, child centric thinking before having children.

There always seems to be an expectation that everyone else should just automatically understand from single parents on MN, rather than them having any responsibility when they choose to get together with someone that doesn't have kids, to either actually be open to considering and caring about their feelings alongside their children, or explain to them why that can't be the case and help them through it.

Sorry, I hate the term baby dad but I didnt want a really long title lol

Because Baby’s dad would have made it much longer?

Is the new boyfriend living with you? I can see several others have asked this question already but you haven't replied as far as I can see?
If so, it sounds like this new relationship is moving way too fast as he should have no say on how you deal with your ex/kids