Boyfriend getting annoyed with contact with baby dad

[purplepolo]

Sorry, I hate the term baby dad but I didnt want a really long title lol.

Just to give a bit of background, my ex and I split back in Feb due to his drug/alcohol abuse and domestic violence. Had no direct contact for the first few months and arranged all child contact through family members. Everything did calm down and we managed to get to a point where we could just discuss things directly but always just talking about the kids, with him sometimes waffling on about his life which I would just reply with oh right or mmm-ing just to keep the peace. There were occasions where if he disagreed on something for example child maintenence or days he was having the kids, he would get angry and hurl abuse down the phone but is just hang up and block him until I needed to.

Fast forward to now, there's no more of him being rude down the phone and everything is alot calmer. The issue I have is my boyfriend gets the hump with any conversation or any sort of contact.

What led me to post this was that I sent a photo on Facebook messenger to his mum of our children as the photo was really adorable, and asked her to send it to him (I don't have him on any social media , just text or phone calls ). He then rang me about 15 mins later to say the photo is adorable etc. Boyfriend got in a huff, and I'm pissed off at him being pissed off so I havent spoken to him and have taken myself off for a veryyyy long bath.

There have been a few times where I've nearly seen his points, he says this unblocking and blocking thing is like what people do in relationships when they argue (is it?) And I should just keep him blocked and go through family.

He previously got the hump when my ex last got angry on the phone and said why do I just let him talk to me like that. Which i replied that I dont actually care what he says to me, im beyond it and its just not worth the energy as it would like be arguing with a petulant child.

And then this whole photo thing, boyfriend says that ex can take his own photos , and if I hate him why am I OK with him ringing about it and why not just go through other people?

It just seems so petty that it annoys him. I'm trying to see his point of view, but in my head I dont think im doing something wrong by just trying to keep the peace and be a nice person. And also its just easier to just send ex a message rather than message his mum who then waits for him to get home etc. Ive given no reason for my boyfriend to think im up to no good, or anything like that, he just seems childish?

But please tell me if I am being unreasonable, I would like an outsiders view!

You are going from one abuser to another!

Get out of this relationship and prioritise your children.

I can understand your bf point. On the one hand I guess you're telling him how awful and abusive your ex was, as recently as earlier this year. . On the other hand you're indirectly sending messages of 'aww look how cute our kids are' and chatting on the phone about it?

Its not his place to say and if I was him I'd run from the whole mess but I get where he's coming from.

** To be honest I think you should spend some time on your own and get some boundaries in place

It sounds like you have possibly swapped one abuser for another of a different flavour.**

I agree with this. My DSis came out of a violent two year marriage years ago now. She started to look into online dating two years later and eventually met and married her current lovely DH and she now has 3 DC with him as well as a DSS from his previous marriage.

There really are decent men out there. I agree with PPs that you need to spend some time on your own with your DC and work on building up your self esteem.

A best friend would express concern but the boyfriend is making it about him

How so? I've read and reread and all OP says he has ever said is about her and why she would do what she's doing.

It appears OP is walking from one abusive relationship into another. Which is very common for women who have been in abusive relationships.

OP obviously has a lack of insight into healthy relationships and boundaries. It has only been four months and he is already dictating to you. This is a huge red flag OP.

You do not need a man. Please take time for yourself.

How old are your children OP?

I left an abusive marriage and it was a good year/18 months before I even thought of even chatting to guys online. I did the Freedom Programme and really strongly recommend you so this - it’s free.

It’s now been 4 years. I am much stronger as a person, during my time as a single person I discovered that I could stand alone and parent well, manage the house, job, etc BY MYSELF. I learned who I truly am and learned to value myself. But I am still affected. I still catch myself second guessing myself or struggling to make a decision because of the emotional games my ex would play. These things take years to heal.

My children are still affected. My eldest began to process things within a few months, he went through stages of grief, resentment, trying to be grown up, etc. We just worked through it together. Home was a safe space now with safe people who love him, for him to be able to process everything that had happened. He’s much more settled now but occasionally he still needs to talk about stuff that happened.

My youngest is still severely affected. He is still having play therapy, etc. He was delayed developmentally because of the abuse and only started to talk a few months after my ex was removed from the home by police. He needs stability, consistency and to feel safe and secure to help him get through this.

My worry for YOR children, is that they haven’t been given the safe space and time to begin to process any of this. Where is their safe space with safe people so they can begin to let down their guard and allow themselves to be vulnerable? If they seem to be totally unaffected then I would caution that they are in fact very affected, but unable to show it still because they do not yet feel safe enough to do so - they already have new people in their lives, home is still chaotic, so they are still on high alert. This is not healthy at all for children.

PLEASE - allow yourself and your children some space and time, just you, no boyfriend, no chaotic relatives. Make home a safe nest where it’s just mummy and children together so you can all safely feel and express whatever you need to without having to worry about anyone else.

Without this, you are just storing up problems for your children’s future. If they can’t process this safely and healthy now then it WILL manifest itself later on and most likely in an unhealthy way.

You said yourself you think you make bad choices with men because of your own daddy issues.

Don’t make the same mistake with your children.

Because the boyfriend has taken up and MOVED IN WITH a woman with children who was 4 months out of an abusive relationship

Right. So the answer is actually "because people are just making things up to suit their narrative that men are just shit"

Where does it say he has moved in with her?

Absolutely 100% agree with @Rinoachicken. So sensible and a lot kinder than I've managed to be so please listen to her. You are deluding yourself if you think your children can have grown up in a home where their father abuses their mother and no be affected.

@MintyMabel

another PP has Advanced Searched the OP and found another thread from a while ago saying boyfriend is threatening to move out because of her sister bringing strange men round her house and sleeping with them there (despite the fact she doesn't live there). He can't very well threaten to move out if he hasn't moved in, can he?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4013597-Upset-that-partner-wants-to-move-out

Here you are. Feel free to apologise any time for not actually reading the thread before accusing me of making up shit.

Personally I don't advanced search posters, I don't think it's fair and I prefer to treat their query on its own merits, but if other posters share info from an AS I don't just ignore it. I just did AS to share the link above, and the OP's posting history is actually a nightmare. The boyfriend hasn't just been her boyfriend since June, that's when he bloody moved in - basically the second lockdown ended by the seems of it. And she was still on and off with her ex until the end of March.

If you're still trying to say either of these people were being responsible getting into this 'relationship', i'd be amazed to hear why.

Curiosity is a terrible thing and I've just had a look at a few more of the OP's threads.

@purplepolo, you sound really really unhappy and quite unwell. you've got a young baby and a toddler. You struggle to be on your own, you self harm, you're worried about your toddler's behaviour and your own ability to parent her calmly. You've obviously had an incredibly hard and horrible year and I'm sorry if anything I've said comes across as harsh.

Please drop the boyfriend, secure your children's home from your chaotic relatives, and go to see the GP and tell them how badly you have been struggling if you haven't already. You and your children might also benefit from engaging support from social services. There is help out there to help you cope, and to grow your self-esteem. Please take care of yourself and your kids x

If you're still trying to say either of these people were being responsible getting into this 'relationship', i'd be amazed to hear why.

Not sensible or responsible, no, but it still doesn't automatically follow that the boyfriend is controlling. People move in too fast for lots of reasons and whilst it's unwise, it's not automatically controlling. Off the basis of this thread I can still see no evidence that the boyfriend questioning her on the way she handles her ex is controlling behaviour, which is what so many on this thread are bizarrely adamant about.

But yes, regardless of that, it would obviously be better for OP to take some time to make things stable for herself and her kids.

@aSofaNearYou

Not sensible or responsible, no, but it still doesn't automatically follow that the boyfriend is controlling. People move in too fast for lots of reasons and whilst it's unwise, it's not automatically controlling. Off the basis of this thread I can still see no evidence that the boyfriend questioning her on the way she handles her ex is controlling behaviour, which is what so many on this thread are bizarrely adamant about.

The OP is incredibly vulnerable and he's moved in on her. He's then taken it upon himself to start telling her what to do. OK it may not be evidence conclusive but it's hard to imagine why he'd move in with her so soon unless he was either using her for a doss house or seeking to get her under his thumb in short order.

Of course there's always the option that he's just catastrophically stupid.

Sounds like you're cllecting abusive creeps.

The OP is incredibly vulnerable and he's moved in on her. He's then taken it upon himself to start telling her what to do. OK it may not be evidence conclusive but it's hard to imagine why he'd move in with her so soon unless he was either using her for a doss house or seeking to get her under his thumb in short order.

From what OP has written here he's not telling her what to, he's questioning what she's doing, as most people do in relationships. Why does nobody seem to see the difference?

OP says she has known her current BF a long time. If he has seen how badly she has been treated before, and cares about her, it would not be uncommon for him to take on the role of rescuer, and OP be happy for him to take this role.

Unfortunately this rarely ends well as it is not an equal or healthy relationship dynamic - there is the very real risk that he moves unconsciously from the role of rescuer to perpetrator himself. It’s not deliberate, it’s not what either intended, but unfortunately it’s what happens all too often, especially when those involved are unaware of this risk and cannot guard against it.

And once you have stepped into the rescuer role, it’s almost, if not totally, impossible to step out of it again without the other person feeling abandoned and rejected. And the temptation is always there to resume the role the moment the other person seems in need.

OP needs to stand alone and be her own rescuer. And her current BF need to witness that she is capable and able to not just cope, but thrive, alone.

Only then would it be appropriate for them to think about coming together in a relationship.

Sadly in this case, what’s done cannot be undone, the roles cannot be reversed and the victim/rescuer/perpetrator cycle has already been establish with the new BF.

The only way to salvage the situation is for the OP to be single for as long (and that may be years) as necessary for her to be a strong independent adult and mother.

This illustrates it better

Many people asked if your bf lives with you. I see this is the case - he moved in pretty much when you got together. He’s already kicked off because your sister comes to stay every now and again bringing randoms home to sleep with.

Both him and your sister need to go. What sort of house is this for you and your children? Their dad hasn’t been gone for long and this new guy has just stepped in the door. This isn’t right.

Your ex is going to court for domestic violence, he has alcohol and drug issues , yet you’re still pandering him and playing games by blocking and unblocking.

Also you mentioned previously the ex moved in with the girl next door? Is he still there?

You need to look at the Freedom programme, and you need your home and independence back.

Hi everyone sorry for delayed reply.

I just want to clarify that my children are absolutely fine and they always come first. I'm not a bad mum in any way, and they have stability.

My sister does not and has not lived or stayed here since the previous incident, we are fine but I've just set boundaries with her so that issue has been resolved.

My boyfriend (who i have known for a long time) is living at his dads, and I see him on Sundays and in the evenings when the kids are in bed so he isn't really involved with my kids.

I realise now that it was really stupid of me to try and have direct contact and I have gone back to using family for childcare arrangements.

Boyfriend has apologised for getting the hump about it and said that he shouldn't have and did explain his reasons properly.

I know lots of you are saying that its not been long since I split with my ex, but in my head I feel like I had left him along time ago, mentally, I wasn't in a relationship with him for a very long time, I just lived in the same house as him.

I do have my own issues which I'm slowly working on and my boyfriend knows about this and is supportive, ive been on antidepressants and have been since the beginning of the year and have been doing well on them along with support from my drs

i just want to highlight a couple of things here.

I'm just over 4 years out of an abusive relationship, Ex is still very volatile although we nominally 'get on' for the kids sake.. he still quite often takes his anger out on my and throws tantrums that upset me about petty shit.

I've been with current guy since January.. BUT, he's been on the scene since the end of 2018! He made it clear he liked me back in march 2019, but knew, at the time, that i had a lot to work through and respectfully didnt push me, but instead simply bolstered the close friendship we were developing, and encouraged and supported me as i worked through shit... it was actually me who finally made the first move... and he's still not met my kids, nor will for quite some time.

I really think that you've jumped into this relationship with this new bf very quickly, while you still have a lot of baggage... i get what you're saying about feeling like you left your Ex emotionally a lot earlier than the relationship actually ended, it was the same for me, i checked out MONTHs before i finally grew the balls to leave him (possibly even years) but that doesn't mean i was ready to welcome anyone else into my life while i was still untangling and unloading a lot of emotional baggage from the previous 20 years of emotional abuse at the hands of a nasty man.

I really dont think it would be a bad thing for you to reassess your current relationship, or at least talk and set some boundaries in, because trust me, in a years time, or even 2 years time, you will not be the same person you are now.. that freedom from abuse will wreak a lot of changes on who you are as a person.. and new bf might not actually be fully along for that ride.

You’ve not responded to people telling you about the importance of having time as a single person to allow yourself to heal and develop as an individual?

Do you not think this is important? It is worrying that you don’t seem to feel able to be on your own but prefer to jump straight from one relationship to another

And the Freedom Programme?

Agree with your bf
He is your new relationship however your old one is handing around.
How would you feel if he had an ex who was always around?
Speak to your exes mum and cut him off you don't need to talk to him