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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Boyfriend getting annoyed with contact with baby dad

201 replies

purplepolo · 05/10/2020 20:54

Sorry, I hate the term baby dad but I didnt want a really long title lol.

Just to give a bit of background, my ex and I split back in Feb due to his drug/alcohol abuse and domestic violence. Had no direct contact for the first few months and arranged all child contact through family members. Everything did calm down and we managed to get to a point where we could just discuss things directly but always just talking about the kids, with him sometimes waffling on about his life which I would just reply with oh right or mmm-ing just to keep the peace. There were occasions where if he disagreed on something for example child maintenence or days he was having the kids, he would get angry and hurl abuse down the phone but is just hang up and block him until I needed to.

Fast forward to now, there's no more of him being rude down the phone and everything is alot calmer. The issue I have is my boyfriend gets the hump with any conversation or any sort of contact.

What led me to post this was that I sent a photo on Facebook messenger to his mum of our children as the photo was really adorable, and asked her to send it to him (I don't have him on any social media , just text or phone calls ). He then rang me about 15 mins later to say the photo is adorable etc. Boyfriend got in a huff, and I'm pissed off at him being pissed off so I havent spoken to him and have taken myself off for a veryyyy long bath.

There have been a few times where I've nearly seen his points, he says this unblocking and blocking thing is like what people do in relationships when they argue (is it?) And I should just keep him blocked and go through family.

He previously got the hump when my ex last got angry on the phone and said why do I just let him talk to me like that. Which i replied that I dont actually care what he says to me, im beyond it and its just not worth the energy as it would like be arguing with a petulant child.

And then this whole photo thing, boyfriend says that ex can take his own photos , and if I hate him why am I OK with him ringing about it and why not just go through other people?

It just seems so petty that it annoys him. I'm trying to see his point of view, but in my head I dont think im doing something wrong by just trying to keep the peace and be a nice person. And also its just easier to just send ex a message rather than message his mum who then waits for him to get home etc. Ive given no reason for my boyfriend to think im up to no good, or anything like that, he just seems childish?

But please tell me if I am being unreasonable, I would like an outsiders view!

OP posts:
SentientAndCognisant · 05/10/2020 21:48

You seem to have two problems
The ex and the current huffy boyfriend
Frankly I’d get shot of the new bf,he’s too much arse ache

Graphista · 05/10/2020 21:48

You ONLY split in Feb from an abusive addict and new boyfriend is already in a position to even KNOW when you're having contact with your ex/children's father? Is new boyfriend living with you and dc?

WAY WAY too much too soon!

And I don't just mean the dc aspect but all of it! I very much doubt you were remotely ready for or able to properly assess a new boyfriend for potential issues.

You've not even been with him 3 months, he shouldn't even know your dc this early on to be perfectly honest.

Dump, deal with the ex and parenthood and getting yourself PROPERLY mentally and emotionally ready to SAFELY enter a new relationship - slowly - but for now you're better staying single.

How old are you both ?

winterchills · 05/10/2020 21:48

June and he is acting like this. I would get rid of him

ChocolateCherrybomb · 05/10/2020 21:49

Do you really need two controlling jealous abusive aresholes in your life.

Isn't one enough?

I obviously cannot say for sure, what with this being a snippet on the internet, but you do seem to have gotten involved with the same bloke again but in slightly different clothing.

SentientAndCognisant · 05/10/2020 21:51

You need some Time as a single gal. Figure out what you need & want
You don’t need the distraction of two immature men
Reflect,plan,spend time as a new mum with being encumbered by a dick

Mallysmomma · 05/10/2020 21:54

Wow you have just split up with an abusive partner and hopped straight into another relationship??
Maybe you should actually just focus on your kids; surely they have been through enough with the domestic violence without you focussing any energy into a new relationship especially one that seems just as controlling albeit in different ways. To be honest it seems as though you’re more interested in male attention than anything else.

SentientAndCognisant · 05/10/2020 21:56

Malloy, that’s unnecessarily harsh

TheGirlWithAPrince · 05/10/2020 21:56

sorry but your children come first and you need to be able to communicate with your Ex for your kids sake!!

what about the future when your both attending birthdays and events and weddings and child births! what are you supposed to do? keep away from him forever.

Its very mean of your BF and he sounds like a jelous control freak.

TheGirlWithAPrince · 05/10/2020 21:57

@Mallysmomma I actually completely agree!!! Doesnt sound like the kids come first here.

If they did you wouldnt be posting about it on mumsnet you would have Dumped him as soon as his controlling side started to show

SentientAndCognisant · 05/10/2020 22:01

In fairness there is no evidence op is neglectful or a poor parent
She’s clearly got iffy choice in men, there is no narrative to suggest she’s bad parent
I do think give current bf the heave ho. Concentrate on the kids

JingsMahBucket · 05/10/2020 22:04

@Nottherealslimshady

Sounds like you've gone from one abusive relationship to another. He's no right to control what contact you have with the father of your child.
This with bells on @purplepolo. You’ve jumped from one bad situation into another. Dump the potentially abusive boyfriend and widen your boundaries with your abusive ex.
converseandjeans · 05/10/2020 22:10

They both sound awful tbh. I can't understand why you are allowing ex partner contact though if he's known to be aggressive and at times violent.

I can understand current DP not wanting you to have contact due to ex being a nasty piece of work.

I would have a break from both of them. Sounds like way too much drama!

nevernotstruggling · 05/10/2020 22:10
  • Wow you have just split up with an abusive partner and hopped straight into another relationship?? Maybe you should actually just focus on your kids; surely they have been through enough with the domestic violence without you focussing any energy into a new relationship especially one that seems just as controlling albeit in different ways. To be honest it seems as though you’re more interested in male attention than anything else.*
Onadifferentuniverse · 05/10/2020 22:10

Such a massive red flag op.

It’ll only get worse.

nevernotstruggling · 05/10/2020 22:11

Wow you have just split up with an abusive partner and hopped straight into another relationship??Maybe you should actually just focus on your kids; surely they have been through enough with the domestic violence without you focussing any energy into a new relationship especially one that seems just as controlling albeit in different ways. To be honest it seems as though you’re more interested in male attention than anything else.

This 100%. Please search freedom programme in your area you need support processing dv.

purplepolo · 05/10/2020 22:12

Thanks everyone for your messages, youve all opened my eyes and I have decided to carry on going through family even if sometimes it does make things awkward, and I have been rather naive in thinking that things could be civil so soon and think im just being too nice even maintaining contact. Court is also in the next couple weeks so things are bound to turn sour.

And you are all right I clearly do have quite poor taste in men ( daddy issues - sorry Confused ) . I have known my boyfriend for a very long time and thought he was one of the nice ones Sad

OP posts:
nimbuscloud · 05/10/2020 22:14

Is he gone?

SentientAndCognisant · 05/10/2020 22:14

Well done op for a gracious reply. Yes you have shocking taste in men
Be single,have confidence you don’t need take crap
Get shot of the current bf

Onadifferentuniverse · 05/10/2020 22:15

Is he living with you op?

Also how does he know about the contact? Do you tell him or can he see?

Mydogmylife · 05/10/2020 22:21

Well done op, sometimes it can be hard to see things when you're the one in the middle of the situation

purplepolo · 05/10/2020 22:21

I have spoken to boyfriend and his view is hes sick of the blocking and unblocking drama, and is struggling to come to terms with after everything ex has done why would I want to have direct contact. Which I can see clearly now hes explained that that is his reasoning for being annoyed , I dont know whether to consider that controlling or? And I dont understand why ive not thought of that myself, I just tend to block things out so could this be just a coping mechanism? I know i don't want any form of relationship with ex other than to just be civil.

I've swapped the situation round and id be upset if the shoe was on the other foot, but now I'm just paranoid that I'm getting myself into another crap relationship and if I would just be doing myself a favour to end it

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 05/10/2020 22:23

Huge red flags from the new boyfriend, you have been together a few months and his already way too involved. It’s none of his business what contact you have with the father of your child, you are going to have to be in contact him for many years (until your baby is an adult), if he can’t except that then there’s no hope. I would be ditching him.

Newtothis2017 · 05/10/2020 22:25

3 months you have been with him. Far too much drama. Get rid of him and focus on you and your dc

SentientAndCognisant · 05/10/2020 22:28

Do yourself a favour stop accommodating pricks and then minimising their behaviour
No boot,no other foot. Your current bf is a controlling div. get shot of him

Shizzlestix · 05/10/2020 22:29

Why on earth are you having direct contact with someone who has been violent to you? I think you should not do this, it is not good for you to vaccilate between contact/non-contact. Stick to using a family member to do drop offs etc. Why send pics to his mum? He can take his own pics.

I understand why your bf wants no contact, it is odd to have a violent ex phoning up. Make your mind up!

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