Boyfriend getting annoyed with contact with baby dad

[purplepolo]

Sorry, I hate the term baby dad but I didnt want a really long title lol.

Just to give a bit of background, my ex and I split back in Feb due to his drug/alcohol abuse and domestic violence. Had no direct contact for the first few months and arranged all child contact through family members. Everything did calm down and we managed to get to a point where we could just discuss things directly but always just talking about the kids, with him sometimes waffling on about his life which I would just reply with oh right or mmm-ing just to keep the peace. There were occasions where if he disagreed on something for example child maintenence or days he was having the kids, he would get angry and hurl abuse down the phone but is just hang up and block him until I needed to.

Fast forward to now, there's no more of him being rude down the phone and everything is alot calmer. The issue I have is my boyfriend gets the hump with any conversation or any sort of contact.

What led me to post this was that I sent a photo on Facebook messenger to his mum of our children as the photo was really adorable, and asked her to send it to him (I don't have him on any social media , just text or phone calls ). He then rang me about 15 mins later to say the photo is adorable etc. Boyfriend got in a huff, and I'm pissed off at him being pissed off so I havent spoken to him and have taken myself off for a veryyyy long bath.

There have been a few times where I've nearly seen his points, he says this unblocking and blocking thing is like what people do in relationships when they argue (is it?) And I should just keep him blocked and go through family.

He previously got the hump when my ex last got angry on the phone and said why do I just let him talk to me like that. Which i replied that I dont actually care what he says to me, im beyond it and its just not worth the energy as it would like be arguing with a petulant child.

And then this whole photo thing, boyfriend says that ex can take his own photos , and if I hate him why am I OK with him ringing about it and why not just go through other people?

It just seems so petty that it annoys him. I'm trying to see his point of view, but in my head I dont think im doing something wrong by just trying to keep the peace and be a nice person. And also its just easier to just send ex a message rather than message his mum who then waits for him to get home etc. Ive given no reason for my boyfriend to think im up to no good, or anything like that, he just seems childish?

But please tell me if I am being unreasonable, I would like an outsiders view!

When I split from my ex - and it wasn't an abusive relationship - I needed time and space to adjust and to support dd to adjust too.

It was a difficult but also empowering experience.

I started dating again around 2 years after the split. I haven't met anyone special enough and where we were totally compatible for it to develop into a serious, living together etc relationship

One guy was potentially that, but the difficulty we had was I can't have more children and he wanted children of his own as he wasn't a father at that point. Nobody's fault just wasn't meant to be.

Since then I've also dealt with coming out as bisexual and trying to get to grips with that adjustment.

But still didn't really meet anyone who I thought was not only right for me but the right person to have living with dd.

Dd has now left home, but the last several years my health has been very poor and I don't think it's fair to expect a potential new partner to deal with all that too.

You can date, have fun, have relationships WITHOUT moving them in or involving them with your kids! Yet so so many on mn seem to think that this is impossible!

So many also think they HAVE to be in a relationship to have validity!

I've enjoyed singlehood just as much as dating (health issues aside), it's great not having another adult to consider, to just suit yourself (and your kids), go where and do what you want at all times, have the house exactly as you want, even little things like never having to watch sodding sport on tv!!

I believe there's a few threads running now on the benefits of singledom - as well as the freedom programme it may be illuminating and motivating to read those op.

Being single really can be awesome!

Excellent post at 1030 by @Rinoachicken

Interesting that the relationship history isn't as clear cut as the op made out here.

If the boyfriend isn't living with you then how come your other threads seem to contradict that? I'm not convinced to be perfectly honest.

And while you may have "mentally" left your ex before the physical split, your dc were still living with him, with you, witnessing and experiencing the chaos, abuse, tension...

THEY need real time and space and support to recover from that. If they ever do

I'm also the child of an abusive home (they're still together), I left home at 17 as a result and at 48 I'm STILL dealing with the effects of that, and not feeling I was EVER prioritised by my mother, the one person who really is supposed to prioritise you, is a huge part of that.

Yes she was a victim too very much so, doesn't change how hurt and damaged I am by the number of times she let me down and prioritised him.

The only way at this point you can truly prioritise your dc beyond lip service is as pps say to have their HOME be a completely free and safe space from ANY other adult who doesn't have their needs as an absolute top priority and I don't think either your sister or your boyfriend fit in that category.

I also agree you're not fully appreciating that YOU need space to adjust and recover too. You can't do that while juggling the needs of anyone beyond you and the dc

Red flags.

He's been in your life a few months and already dictating who you should contact and acting pissed off a lot. Why are you going down a similar route?

Be strong. Find yourself.

Focus on your children alone. Call me old-fashioned, but these dysfunctional set-ups are just a one way ticket to fucked up kids.

The devil will be going to work in a snow plough before I apologise for either my language or my post.

I spent too many years in the UK court system watching stupid women doing stupid things just to keep hold of stupid men, without a moment's thought for how it affected their children.

@noirchatsdeux im curious as to why you think im not thinking of my children?

By being civil with the other parent? Which ive now decided its not worth being nice and just to go through family to arrange child contact.

Or being in a new relationship? But the whole time my children are up and with me, my attention is on them?

Are you going to do the freedom programme OP?

How would you feel about being single for a while - for the sake of your own healing and self-development?

@purplepolo

*im curious as to why you think im not thinking of my children?

By being civil with the other parent? Which ive now decided its not worth being nice and just to go through family to arrange child contact.

Or being in a new relationship? But the whole time my children are up and with me, my attention is on them?*

Well I can't speak for @noirchatsdeux, but for me you've moved a man into their home WAY too soon - before you can have any real idea about whether the relationship has legs. They've already had to grow up around dv and drug abuse; they've then lost their father (which is a good thing by the sound of it but they won't understand that at their age); now there's a new 'daddy' figure living in their home and arguing with their mum. Not to mention auntie bringing strange men round to fuck as and when she fancies.

This takes me back to the heartbreaking thread you posted just after you and your ex had broken up - despairing, self-harming and desperate because you couldn't bear to be alone, to be without a partner. You have tried to re-fill that role with the first person who came to hand, straight away moving them in and getting way over-committed. None of this takes into account your children's NEED for stability.

I'd be interested to know how long you were in a relationship with your ex before you moved in/married/had children. You say you have 'daddy issues' - are you trying to fill a whole left in you by a chaotic upbringing? If so, please think about the environment you're raising your kids in, and ask yourself if it is what you dreamed of as a little girl.

*The devil will be going to work in a snow plough before I apologise for either my language or my post.

I spent too many years in the UK court system watching stupid women doing stupid things just to keep hold of stupid men, without a moment's thought for how it affected their children.*

She has said her boyfriend doesn't live with her and comes over in the evenings. If she feels she has issues with relationships and needs to address them in therapy that is her choice, but she doesn't have to choose not to date off the say so of some people on the internet that have a bee in their bonnet.

She has said her boyfriend doesn't live with her and comes over in the evenings

She has also posted a thread saying he was threatening to move back to his parents'. So I'm not sure how you square that circle.

Well, in OP's last thread, she posted because her BF had moved back to his Dad's, because of the issue with her sister. How could he move back to his Dad's if he wasn't living with her?

Sounds like he's not used to/never dated someone with kids before and there will have to be contact with ex partners, that is never going to change so either he accepts it or he walks.

If he's moved back to his dad's, then he's not living with her now. What more do you want from her, a vow to celibacy?

Kind of just proves the point though, that the household is chaotic for the kids atm, not stable.

They’ve had mum and violent dad, then dad disappeared, then it was mum and sister and random men, + new boyfriend, now boyfriends has also disappeared. All in the space of 6 months.

It needs to stop.

he's moved back to his dad's, then he's not living with her now. What more do you want from her, a vow to celibacy?

No, just the basic common sense not to move him in so quickly in the first place. And also not to let her sister bring total strangers into their home overnight. None of this is puritanical hectoring; it's basic sense and safeguarding.

@asofanearyou

Do you have any kids of your own? I find it really odd they way you're trying to minimise and normalise this totally ill-considered environment.

They’ve had mum and violent dad, then dad disappeared, then it was mum and sister and random men, + new boyfriend, now boyfriends has also disappeared. All in the space of 6 months

This, but the OP seems to be trying to skim over this and pretends it’s not as it sounds. It’s not good.

And from last we read - the ex moved in next door?
Chaos.

@VeniceQueen2004

Yes I do, and I'm not trying to minimise anything, this has just yet again turned into one of those threads where posters pick on something that wasn't the subject of the thread and become very offended when OP doesn't address it or change their life accordingly. She didn't ask for advice on when to date again or whether what previously happened with her sister was advisable. Perhaps she does already see those things as a problem but isn't ready for the tough love being offered, but either way, she didn't ask so people need to get over the idea that she needs to justify these things here.

Normally I'd agree with you but in this case the context is absolutely essential to giving any realistic advice. There's no point saying whether the boyfriend is right/wrong about her level of contact with the violent ex, when the issue is that he is a boyfriend at all.

the issue is that he's a boyfriend at all

It's not really you're place to say it's an issue that a consenting adult has a boyfriend.

No it's not. But it is perfectly reasonable to draw the conclusion that if she's focused on a new relationship so soon after her last one fell apart she is not focused on her children's recovery.

It is valid that we discuss the new boyfriend, considering this is what OP posted about, the problem she's having with the new boyfriend feeling put out that the old partner (and father of kids) is still around to a degree. New boyfriend, if he stays and becomes long-term, will have to get used to the idea that these kids have a father, who will ALWAYS be involved, and it is reasonable for the OP to have conversations and/or interactions with him regarding the kids.

Hi all, my boyfriend wasn't being controlling and wasn't dictating whether or not I can speak with my ex. I realise that he was frustrated that my ex would speak to me like shit and me just be ok and not care, so like ive said several times that I am now only going through family to arrange contact.

I know I can be on my own, I was quite happy on my own and I was so relaxed and enjoying the peace I had, and my friend popped up and we just really got talking and have carried on since. He makes me happy and adds something which I enjoy and I really enjoy his company. We've have two silly disagreements before.

The thing with my sister happened twice, so I'd appreciate if people would stop making out like she did that every day.it was twice in the space of a couple months and that issue has been resolved, shes not doing that anymore as I laid some boundaries down. We established that it wasn't a cop out for him, it was because I had welcomed him here for this to be his home and it wasn't feeling like that of his feelings werent being considered too, which is fair enough. He didn't want to be waking up at 5am with them in the house.

I feel like im really being bombarded about my past, which I really feel I'm doing fine at the moment. When I was with my ex was was in a very dark place with self harm, etc. Alot of my issues I found were due to my ex, and ever since he left I have felt so free and that I have my life back, im a brand new person.

05/10/2020 21:16 MaskingForIt

Sounds like you’ve replaced one controlling knob with another. Chuck the new BF and spend some time working on yourself before jumping into bed with someone else.

I agree, and also put your children first. You also sound like you have a lot of issues to deal with.