Should parents treat step children and their grandchildren the same?

[StrawberryWhatsUp]

For example, if you were married to someone with children and had your first child with them also. Would you expect your parents to treat your step children exactly the same as they do their biological grandchild?

Not necessarily talking about being nice/kind/talking to them when visiting as that's obviously standard but things like sleepovers, days out, taking them on holidays, present buying on birthdays or Christmas, being more interested or asking more, say in their achievements etc...?

If the step children had two involved parents and sets of grandparents on both dad's and mum's side already.

YABU - all should be treated the same.

YANBU - it's expected that grandparents will favour their grandchildren in some ways.

Nope, I'd expect them to be kind of course but I wouldn't, for example, expect them to have the step GC over for sleepovers just because the GC were coming, or make provision for the step GC in their will.

I really don't understand the hysteria on MN about step children being treated exactly the same as your children - they aren't the same, you still try to love and care for them of course, but they're not your children in the way that your own are.

I think it all depends on the situation and sometimes which parent the child lives with; my family buy my DSD presents and are interested in her achievements but she doesn’t live with us and just doesn’t end up seeing much of my family because that’s not what she wants to be doing on the weekends she’s with us; it’s hard enough to make sure she sees enough of DHs family on an every other weekend basis. As a result of that she wouldn’t end up going on holiday with them or staying at their house as that would cut into our time with her. I think that also means that while they’re interested in what she’s doing and happy for her achievements they are perhaps less invested in the way they are with my DC.

My BIL has a step child. At Christmas we treat her the same as the other nieces and nephews as does my FIL, the step grandfather. We would be just as likely to enquire of her welfare too

Nope for the same reasons as PP.

There is no way I can answer that, I could say what I would feel if I had unexpected children in my life (not meanin friends children's, ds new friends etc but close related) but there is not a way I can say how other adults should be with children.

Other people are not robots where you can 'a granparent has to treat a child like this'

Who are you in this?

It depends on a lot of things. How big an age gap between the DC, how often do the GPs see the DSC, how well do they know each other, which DC came first, would the DSC welcome that level of involvement from their step GP.

I have two DSC and one of my own with DH. My family all welcomed DSC as soon as they met them, make an effort to invite them to things - eg sheduling family parties for when they we’ll have them, buy them lovely gifts for birthdays, Christmas and no reason. There’s a sizeable age gap so there are things I do with DD and my mum which the DSC aren’t involved with because they’re at school. They don’t tend to come on holidays with my family because they do things with their mum, her parents, DH parents and with us but they’re not excluded, it’s just logistics.

When DD was born they didn’t get her anything then went on holiday soon after and came home with presents for DSC and not DD, so in some ways they’ve prioritised their step grandkids. But probably because they know what my DSC are into and DD was a small baby.

I think being nice, acknowledging them when they visit, making sure they're welcome if you invite the rest of the family over for lunch etc. and maybe token birthday and christmas gifts if situation dictates (such their christmas is spent with the parent whose the parent of your grandchildren) but no I don't think sleepovers, days out with the grandparent etc are necessary especially if the child has both parents and grandparents their related to around.

My MIL treats my kids like her own grandkids and it’s lovely to see 😊

My own kids are treated like inconveniences and are ignored by OW’s family, excluded from family gatherings ( including Christmas) and are very aware that they are second class citizens in comparison to their half siblings.

I know which dynamic is healthier for the kids 😉 And that is the most important thing.

If 'step' child had been part of the family since infancy/very young and mainly resides with my DC, I'd absolutely make every effort to treat them identically to blood. I know several families where this happens.

Alternatively, if the step child is older and already has biological grandparents that are very involved, then I'd be kind and do xmas & birthday presents but not the extra stuff like sleepovers, sports days etc

Yes they should.

No. They aren't family in the end. SIL had a stepchild and told us all to treat him exactly the same as the kids and see him as her son. Except shen the relationship failed we never saw the stepchild again. Neither did SIL and she didn't shed a tear. That wouldn't happen if it was a biological child. We'll never get so emotionally invested again. It was just a show for them in the end.

Nope.

I have dc from previous relationship and IL’s involve them and send them presents on birthdays and Christmas. Everyone’s interested in eachother and we’re all part of the family.

I do not expect my IL’s to want my older dc over for sleepovers or leave them bequests in wills. Actually don’t expect that for my younger dc either. But if my youngest have that I wouldn’t expect my older dc to be included.

My older dc have no expectations of IL’s they’re happy to be loved and included in family life which is all I’d ask for as well.

My parents have three grandchildren and one step grandchild, and I would say they do treat the step grandchild the same. Maybe because she's been living full time with their son (my brother) since she was 2 years old, so she does feel like part of the family.

I think buying Christmas presents is totally different to asking to have them for a sleepover.

I'd expect them to be treated fairly and receive birthday/Christmas gifts if that was the norm with the biological grandchild and to be asked after etc but I wouldn't expect more than that in terms of forcing a relationship without me/my partner there.

Like pp i definitely wouldn't expect provision in their will.

It depends on the situation. My youngest is named after my step grandfather. He was an amazing wonderful gentle man whom I first met age 5. He died 16 years ago and I still think about him and miss him he was 100% my granddad. His wife more reserved but loving and welcoming and I recall her introducing herself as Enkos grandma to one of my early boyfriends.

My sister and brother remained with our father in the divorce and they have fond memories of them but not to the extend they see them as grandparents.

My father remarried and his 2nd wife had a daughter who resided w her father. My paternal grandparents rarely saw her perhaps twice a year so created no relationship with her.

I think if the children are younger and you see them regularly it is easier to get that connection. If they are older ot not residing with the child of the grandparents then it us much harder to form a bond.

Be kind obviously but imo it's OK to struggle to form that bond. For me I don't recall grandparents not giving even presents at Christmas or birthdays but I got more in form of time and little thoughtful gifts as they knew me.

My mum asked us if she should leave something in her will for my DSC and my brother’s DSC - he has none of his own and won’t - and my DH and my SIL both said no.

It’s really surprising to see the number of people on MN who think SC shouldn’t be treated the same! They didn’t ask for divorces and remarriages and blended families. It’s the adults job to make sure they suffer the least amount possible. My DSD has known my parents since she was 2. She is their granddaughter in every way that matters. She has known her Stepdad’s parents a similar amount of time and they feel and act exactly the same. My DH was raised with a SM and SGPs who were “kind” and “civil” but there was a marked difference in how their bio son/grandson was treated as opposed to DH and SIL. This has left a permanent feeling of being not good enough and I now have an adult DH and SIL both in therapy. Children see the difference.

It’s too difficult a question for a general answer - really depends on the specifics of the situation: are the step children’s grandparents involved with them, what age gap there is between them and the new baby, the exact nature of the living arrangements etc etc.

I know of two situations. In one, the man married a woman with a 2 year old son and they went on to have another two kids together. He always refers to having three kids and his stepson calls him “dad” and his mother “gran”. So in that situation, yes, you’d hope the gran in question treated all three kids the same.

Situation 2 - a friend married an older man with a 16 year old son, who used to come for the weekend before he went off to university. She and her DH went on to have a little girl together. Her mum does not regard the 16 year old (now 27) as her grandson, nor does he think of her as his gran. All perfectly cordial if they see each other at Christmas or family occasions, but they wouldn’t consider each other “family” and she wasn’t invited to his wedding etc (she didn’t expect to be but sent a card wishing them well). Again - all perfectly fine.

Most situations will be somewhere between these two, but exactly how they work will probably be different....

I have a 6yo DD and am split up from her Dad and am now pregnant together with my new DP. My DP’s mum is nice to my DD on the rare occasions they see each other (even less with Covid!). She has no other grandchildren and I think she enjoys sometimes buying a small toy or sweets etc for her. However, I wouldn’t expect her to have her for a sleepover or provide childcare as she may do for this baby when it’s born (other than an absolute emergency where there was no one else).

In another type of step-grandchild situation, my older brother is my Dad’s from his previous marriage, my Dad is now married to my Mum (for over 30 years). So my brother was around 5yo when my Mum met him. My brother now has 3 children and my Mum is very much involved with them as a Grandma- collects them from school, has them for days out and sleepovers etc. The children (my niece and nephews) also have my brother’s mum as a Grandma.

I couldn't treat children differently. If they all lived in the same household so were all together I couldn't rock up to take the biological ones out for the day and leave the others behind. That's just mean and unnecessary. Anybody that could do that must have something wrong with them imo.

That’s down to all the parents Nowhereelsetogo90, the grandparents didn’t cause any of it either.

My parents (one of whom is a step to me) treat my DSC well because they’re good people and made an effort to get to know them, not because they have divorced parents and feel they need to do it out of guilt or pity. My parents had nothing to do with my husband and his ex divorcing.

I have 3 DSC and one DD. My parent's & sibling have always been generous towards my DSC buying them a lovely Christmas present for example, they enjoy their company and make an effort with them. But my DD is their only grandchild / niece - they don't view DSC as such. We're fine with that, DSC have their own grandparents & I don't think DSC would want it any different either.

My parents ask after DSD, spend a bit of time chatting or playing with her when their paths cross, buy her presents at Christmas and her birthday. DSD seems to like seeing them
However. She also knows they are her brother grandparents, not hers. She has her own grandparents, half of whom are not also her brothers grandparents. I don’t think she’d notice if she didn’t get presents from them, and it would take an awful long time for her to ask about them if she hadn’t seen them.
It’s different and it’s fine. My DH was dropped like a hot potato by his “grandparents” when his DMs relationship broke down. He’s never been dropped by his actual grandparents like that.
I think it’s healthier for everyone to understand their own relationships.

Would people expect the same in terms of Christmas / birthday gifts though?

So if the grandparents wanted to buy their grandchild a big or expensive present for say birthday or Christmas, they would need to buy the same/spend the same on SGC too?

I read a thread on another forum about this when I was just scrolling through and the answers interested me because it's just not my experience at all.

I have two SC. They were 5 & 7 when I met DH. They probably didn't even meet my mum until about a year later.

She is kind to them, has bought them Christmas and birthday presents since we have been together but they don't see her that much, only when she comes to visit the odd time really.

We have a child together now, my mum's first grandchild and likely to be her only (I'm an only child). And she's very involved, loves taking DC out, very invested in what they are doing, likes to spoil them a little I guess, likes to have them over a lot, wants to take them on some UK breaks with her husband when they get a little older etc...

It never personally occured to me that she should be the same with my husband's children.

They have two sets of grandparents on both their mums and their dads side who are very involved.

Last Christmas they got a new Xbox from their grandparents on mum's side. So say if my mum is wanted to buy our DC something of the same value, should she also have to spend that on my SC too? Even though they get lots of presents from their grandparents?

This isn't an issue in our house, no one has brought it up but just the responses on the other thread got me thinking whether this was normal. Posters were saying they should all be treated exactly the same in terms of sleepovers etc etc. One poster even took offence that the OPs parents called their first biological grandchild their first grandchild because they should already act like they had grandchildren

@Elizaaa

I couldn't treat children differently. If they all lived in the same household so were all together I couldn't rock up to take the biological ones out for the day and leave the others behind. That's just mean and unnecessary. Anybody that could do that must have something wrong with them imo.

My DSC come primarily to see their dad, so if my mum was coming to do something age specific with my DD - eg going to see some farm animals or a sandpit - you think she should take my much older DSC with her, taking them away from their father during his contact time and doing something they’d find boring? Or should she not be allowed to do something with baby DD because it’s not appropriate for older kids? How is that fair?

It’s easy to make bold pronouncements without thinking of the specifics.