Should parents treat step children and their grandchildren the same?

[StrawberryWhatsUp]

For example, if you were married to someone with children and had your first child with them also. Would you expect your parents to treat your step children exactly the same as they do their biological grandchild?

Not necessarily talking about being nice/kind/talking to them when visiting as that's obviously standard but things like sleepovers, days out, taking them on holidays, present buying on birthdays or Christmas, being more interested or asking more, say in their achievements etc...?

If the step children had two involved parents and sets of grandparents on both dad's and mum's side already.

YABU - all should be treated the same.

YANBU - it's expected that grandparents will favour their grandchildren in some ways.

@Khajit this. I guess we are just very lucky with our families.

I have a DSD and a DD (with DH). DSD is much older than DD and was the first child in our family so my parents were very excited about meeting her and they put in the effort to get to know her. Now they have other grandchildren they treat DSD exactly the same - Christmas presents, including her in holidays etc. They have split the money in their will equally between her and the other grandchildren (they asked me first if this is what I wanted) We have never forced them to do this, they just did and we are very lucky.

@StrawberryWhatsUp

Would people expect the same in terms of Christmas / birthday gifts though?

So if the grandparents wanted to buy their grandchild a big or expensive present for say birthday or Christmas, they would need to buy the same/spend the same on SGC too?

I read a thread on another forum about this when I was just scrolling through and the answers interested me because it's just not my experience at all.

I have two SC. They were 5 & 7 when I met DH. They probably didn't even meet my mum until about a year later.

She is kind to them, has bought them Christmas and birthday presents since we have been together but they don't see her that much, only when she comes to visit the odd time really.

We have a child together now, my mum's first grandchild and likely to be her only (I'm an only child). And she's very involved, loves taking DC out, very invested in what they are doing, likes to spoil them a little I guess, likes to have them over a lot, wants to take them on some UK breaks with her husband when they get a little older etc...

It never personally occured to me that she should be the same with my husband's children.

They have two sets of grandparents on both their mums and their dads side who are very involved.

Last Christmas they got a new Xbox from their grandparents on mum's side. So say if my mum is wanted to buy our DC something of the same value, should she also have to spend that on my SC too? Even though they get lots of presents from their grandparents?

This isn't an issue in our house, no one has brought it up but just the responses on the other thread got me thinking whether this was normal. Posters were saying they should all be treated exactly the same in terms of sleepovers etc etc. One poster even took offence that the OPs parents called their first biological grandchild their first grandchild because they should already act like they had grandchildren

I can understand your mother might feel differently about the natural grandchild but I also think she could be a little kinder to the others in this scenario, as she is treating one child differently to her half siblings.

My FIL treats the step grandchild the same as the natural grandchildren and they are not even related (one of my BILs has a step child and the other BIL has three natural children). We treat all four the same.

The wills / financial provision isn’t really an issue, FIL will leave to his sons not his grandchildren / step grandchildren anyway, although ultimately this likely to mean that the step child will receive some benefit. Same with us, as we don’t have children of our own, we will leave our inheritance to our siblings not nieces and nephews directly but again likely they will all benefit and we don’t mind.

I’ve been a step child many times over.

No, my parents’ partners’ parents were never considered my grandparents or comparable in any way. They were my siblings’ gps, and I had my own.

When my siblings went out with their gps, I went out with mine. No big.

I think the difference lies in where the Step children reside?

Mumsnet is predominantly mums - so most posters on here with step children would be in the set up whereby step children don' t live full time with them- but visit on weekends and holidays etc. So it's very different to many posters (myself included) who had a stepfather move in with them as a child. The grandparents of Step children won't see the children as frequently as a biological child of their daughter?

Every situation is different and I can say that as a step child, step mother, mother of a child who is a step child to someone else with all the accompanying layers of grandparents/step, aunties, uncles, cousins etc. Oh and 'half' siblings to add in to the mix.

Maybe I’m over sensitive to this topic but you don’t see SC as “family?”

I suspect people don’t, unless their own kids regard the SC as their own kids in turn, if you see what I mean? In the same way that it’s very unusual for someone to see their PIL like their own parents. Doesn’t mean it’s not a kind, positive relationship though.

I think the biological grandchild would be more favoured. The gps have seen this child since babyhood, and been part of their lives from the beginning. Of course they are kind to the stepchildren and give equal presents, but those SC have their own grandparents and mother, so it's ridiculous to say they should have the same treatment.

It depends on the situation. I think of a child has two involved parents and 2 sets of grandparents there is no great need for the step grandparents to be overly involved. Of course grandparents should be kind and talk to the children and not make them feel pushed out.

DS was 18 months when I met my partner. We went on to have a daughter together. Mil treats them both the same in the terms of taking them out buying them things but I feel she has a more special bond with DD but not in a way that DS would feel left out if that makes sense. DS also has his dads family. Mil calls DS her grandson and he calls her nanny.

When I was a kid. I never knew my dad. My mum met my stepdad and he treated me as his own. At Christmas the children my mum and stepdad had together and her other grandchildren even her husbands grandchildren (he had kids prior to being with her) got toys and I got chocolate 🤣 so that kinda sucked. Not that I expected anything but she treated me differently than her bio grandkids! I was just the black sheep! I was maybe 10 by this point I honestly couldn’t give a crap then or now really. I had my mums parents to make up for it!

No they shouldn’t have to always treat them the same.

Second children should be able to have something to call theirs. The step/first children have their own grandparents and never have to compromise on anything.
Why can’t the second children just have a nice day out with the grandparents without it being begrudged unless the stepchildren tag along too?

When it comes to big things such as inheritance and paying for things such as private school, I don’t think the grandparents should have to consider the stepchildren too. It’s grabby and cheeky of the parents to expect it.

Here's my take. If you're hooking up with someone who already has children, you're not just taking him on you're taking on his kids. As such, you're already a family. If you then choose to add to that family by adding another child (this time of your own), you're expanding the family you already have - not creating a new one.

Thus, I know I would treat all of them the same.

I could only expect my Mum to treat them the same if I did. So if my mum didn't, I would say it said something about how I don't really view those kids as part of my family.

Personally, I couldn't hook up with someone who had kids, maybe for this reason. But it's not the kids fault. You don't biologically have cats or dogs and people seem to embrace those more readily into families!!!

But if the grandparent is bringing round a little packet of chocolate buttons each for the children, then yeah I’m sure that’s when the stepchildren can get a look in. For many other things I don’t think it should be expected.

I can understand your mother might feel differently about the natural grandchild but I also think she could be a little kinder to the others in this scenario, as she is treating one child differently to her half siblings

Okay so in what way would you suggest?

I can't imagine my SC would want to go on holiday with her. They don't think of her as their grandma and don't see her a massive amount (due to living between two homes). It's the same with sleepovers, I can't imagine them thinking it would be normal for them to go and have a sleepover at my mums house because they don't really see her much and don't think of her as a grandparent.

Days out, they are 9 & 11 now, I don't think they are really interested in going to a farm with my mum on a Saturday when they are there to see their dad. Or should she also do days out to suit older children?

She does buy them all birthday and Christmas presents. My point with that was what other people would expect really in a more hypothetical situation as it was brought up on this other thread. My DSC are spoilt by their grandparents on their mums side every year. Say one year my mum wanted to get my DC something special or a bit more expensive than usual, would she need to do exactly the same for the DSC who would then go to their grandparents on their mums side and get spoilt there too?

It depends on a lot of factors, for example:

• How old the step grandchildren were when they came into the grandparents' lives
• How much they live with the family of that grandparent vs. their other parent (e.g. if the parent is the non resident parent and they only stay there once a fortnight vs. if they live there 100% of the time)
• How many grandchildren the grandparents have (difficult to treat the step GC the same if they have 12 other GC)
• How often they see them (e.g. if they see them on a regular weekly kind of basis I'd expect them to treat them more equally than if they saw them a couple of times a year)

As a minimum I'd expect what I would call 'kindness', in terms of getting them at least token Christmas gifts if it's a family gathering (but not if they would have to send in the post as then I think the absence is less obvious), asking them about their lives, not ignoring them. But I think it especially depends on the age they met at - if the child was 2 when they came into the GP lives, I'd expect them to be treated very similarly (even if they don't FEEL similarly about them), but if they were 14 then I'd just expect politeness in the same way I am polite to my second cousin's children but don't go out of my way in how I interact with them. But I certainly wouldn't expect them to be treated EXACTLY the same in terms of exact same £££ spent on gifts, taken out for an equal number of days out etc. especially if they have a second parent and set of grandparents who are heavily engaged.

They don't think of her as their grandma

This is the key point here. As long as she is polite, kind and preferably interested in them when she sees them, then that is sufficient. Your SCs have their own grandparents and will understand that your mum is DD’s grandma. So no problem. Nice if she remembers them at birthdays and Christmas, but I don’t think it has to be the same.

All families are different. I think as a minimum, grandparents need to accept step children and provide a gift on Xmas and birthdays and anything else the family celebrates. I don't think it needs to be equal value but I think it is important that step children are included in gift giving when attending family events etc. A token gift is enough.

I don't think there is any need at all for grandparents to take step children on holiday, except perhaps in situations where a step child is treated as a child of the family where the other parent is absent entirely (death, never had anything to do with the child and the child calls the step parent 'mum/dad').

The main thing is that children feel that they belong, that they are not outsiders looking in at one of their parent's lives and treated as 'baggage'. There are some awful stories and I do think all the adults around children need to think about how it feels to be a child in that situation. Some children are more pragmatic than others and can see that their half siblings grandmother is nothing to do with them and so don't expect anything but others who perhaps visit regularly and are very much part of that grandmother's family when they are with that parent would feel terrible if ignored at Xmas or on birthdays. I don't think it takes much to be kind and see things from a child's perspective.

The feelings of the other parent are a feature too. My DSC were young when I got them and they adored my mum who is excellent, took to them immediately, made a big effort and they loved her. They came up with a granny type name for her only to be told by their mother that she’s nothing to them and she tried to ban them calling her anything but her name. Mum hadn’t suggested it, DH and I had nothing to do with it, it was entirely their idea, but their mum made a huge fuss about it and tried to distance them from her which made them feel awful. Gifts from her stay here and I don’t think they mention my family to their mum anymore.

@AnneLovesGilbert

The feelings of the other parent are a feature too. My DSC were young when I got them and they adored my mum who is excellent, took to them immediately, made a big effort and they loved her. They came up with a granny type name for her only to be told by their mother that she’s nothing to them and she tried to ban them calling her anything but her name. Mum hadn’t suggested it, DH and I had nothing to do with it, it was entirely their idea, but their mum made a huge fuss about it and tried to distance them from her which made them feel awful. Gifts from her stay here and I don’t think they mention my family to their mum anymore.

We had this too actually. Told we weren't to take them on a day out with just me and my mum again because they aren't my kids (when my DH had to work unexpectedly once, I took them out with my mum).

@StrawberryWhatsUp

I can understand your mother might feel differently about the natural grandchild but I also think she could be a little kinder to the others in this scenario, as she is treating one child differently to her half siblings

Okay so in what way would you suggest?

I can't imagine my SC would want to go on holiday with her. They don't think of her as their grandma and don't see her a massive amount (due to living between two homes). It's the same with sleepovers, I can't imagine them thinking it would be normal for them to go and have a sleepover at my mums house because they don't really see her much and don't think of her as a grandparent.

Days out, they are 9 & 11 now, I don't think they are really interested in going to a farm with my mum on a Saturday when they are there to see their dad. Or should she also do days out to suit older children?

She does buy them all birthday and Christmas presents. My point with that was what other people would expect really in a more hypothetical situation as it was brought up on this other thread. My DSC are spoilt by their grandparents on their mums side every year. Say one year my mum wanted to get my DC something special or a bit more expensive than usual, would she need to do exactly the same for the DSC who would then go to their grandparents on their mums side and get spoilt there too?

What hypothetical other people think is irrelevant. As long as adults are not being mean, or cruel, or deliberately excluding step grand children detrimentally, then it’s no one elses business. There are plenty of step mothers who think their step kids simply shouldn’t exist. Those are the damaging ones. If you, or your parents , are not damaging kids with that attitude, anything else works itself out and is no one elses issue.

Although admittedly that was a while back now and relations are a lot better these days with his ex so I doubt it would be a problem for her now. Although I do think it slightly damaged any early ability for their to be a strong bond there in a way.

For there*

There are so many factors in this, its impossible to say because there is no 'one size fits all' answer. Every family is different, and every combinations of 'blended' is different.

In your situation, I don't think she can be expected to 'treat them in the same way'. She isn't as invested and thats perfectly natural. You are her daughter. You've had a child. Of course thats going to be more important in her eyes. Not two children that she didn't know beforehand and hardly ever sees.

From my point of view, my stepmum has known me since I was young (7 ish) and my dad died over a decade ago. She isn't my 'mum' but she treats my children as if they were her blood relatives - thats because she raised me and has known them since they were born. In this scenario, yes I would expect her to treat them as if they were her biological grandkids.

I don’t think biological and step children have to be treated the same - just fairly.

That grandparent relationship doesn’t happen in a vacuum.

In our families, no-one would care (including the kids) if my daughter’s stepsister got a really expensive present and mine didn’t. Because there are lots of differences. Stepsister’s dad isn’t on the scene, so for a start my child gets expensive presents from me - and there’s no equivalent parent for stepsister giving presents.

What they wouldn’t do, is turn up for Xmas dinner and ignore my child.

One child should be ignored or treated badly. But my teen isn’t stupid - she’s well aware that “Grandpa Pete” is her stepsister’s grandad, and therefore loves her more. She’d think it odd if he didn’t!

What they wouldn’t do, is turn up for Xmas dinner and ignore my child

No of course, that's very different. I wouldn't do that to any child (or person) I met no matter who they were to me.

Don’t have any grandchildren yet (and hope not for a while!) but when my sons grow up, I hope my DH will treat their children (his stepgrandchildren) in the same way he treats his biological grandchildren. I know he will, because he treats them the same way as he treats his children. But I suspect he is reasonably rare in that, but it is as it should be.

I think it does depend a lot on the specific circumstances.
How old they were when GP came to know them? If they were a baby, it’s different to if they were a teenager (with all the shades of grey in between).
What involvement other GPs have
What the SC actually wants
What relationship your biological child has to their step child. So if your son lives full time with his DSC this would be different to if your son has a step child who is a teenager and you rarely see them.