Should parents treat step children and their grandchildren the same?

[StrawberryWhatsUp]

For example, if you were married to someone with children and had your first child with them also. Would you expect your parents to treat your step children exactly the same as they do their biological grandchild?

Not necessarily talking about being nice/kind/talking to them when visiting as that's obviously standard but things like sleepovers, days out, taking them on holidays, present buying on birthdays or Christmas, being more interested or asking more, say in their achievements etc...?

If the step children had two involved parents and sets of grandparents on both dad's and mum's side already.

YABU - all should be treated the same.

YANBU - it's expected that grandparents will favour their grandchildren in some ways.

Yes of course. It's a healthier attitude and more mature to treat everyone the same. I would judge any adult who didnt.

My DSC are spoilt by their grandparents on their mums side every year. Say one year my mum wanted to get my DC something special or a bit more expensive than usual, would she need to do exactly the same for the DSC who would then go to their grandparents on their mums side and get spoilt there too?

No, she shouldn't do the same. The DSC are being spoiled by their own grandparents, which is more than enough.

Depends
My bil had a stepson that lived full time with him since he was a toddler so he was treated the same as the biological children.
My brother has stepson who were virtually adult when he got together with their mother so no they are not treated the same.

Yes of course. It's a healthier attitude and more mature to treat everyone the same. I would judge any adult who didnt.
I judge any adult who can’t understand that people/families/relationships are all different and sometimes “treating everyone the same” is just inappropriate and unnecessary.

I judge any adult who is complicit in making a young child feel miserable and second-best.

If children are going to be forced to spend substantial amounts of time (weekends, Christmases etc.) with "family" who don't view them as family, that's not OK. If actually, the children only visit EOW and don't have to see the step-grandparents that much, then it's probably fine for them to be treated differently.

That’s fine, as long as you don’t make the wild assumption that any child who isn’t treated like a grandchild by anyone over 50 who happens to be part of their extended family is going to automatically feel miserable and second best.

I don’t think they should have to make as much of an effort. In fact my mum doesn’t bother at all with my DSD after she made (and then retracted) a vile allegation which couldn’t have possibly been true due to the timeline against my son. DSD is no longer allowed in the house.

I think all the children should be treated the same - when they are all together.

So if step kids have Christmas with your DD and your parents were there, I would expect presents from your parents for all three children.

If your mum visits and all three children are there, then if she brings treats for one then she brings treats for them all.

If the step children don't consider your parents their grandparents then it's straightforward. They aren't looking for that relationship and have their own sets of involved grandparents.

I would probably arrange days out/sleepovers with DD for when the step kids aren't at yours, so no one feels left out.

If your step kids lived with you permanently and saw your parents as often as your DD did then I would expect more of an equal relationship because they would see them as often and be as big a part of your parents lives as your DD.

Essentially kindness, interest and fairness from your parents whenever the kids are all together.

As for expensive presents, it depends what it is and whether it is to be opened in front of step children. If I was the grandparent, I'd give the kids equal looking presents when they were all together. If I desperately wanted to give Biological daughter something expensive, I would do it when step kids weren't there.

I think it's the immediate comparison which is hard, if step kids get a selection box and DD gets a PlayStation. So i would go for something similar when together - Lego sets for example, and do the bigger gift another time. Once it's in the house it's unlikely to trigger the same feelings of being favoured.

My DB has a DD and a DSD. My parents and I have never treated them differently. In fact I used to take his DSD out/do activities that her younger sister (my ‘blood’ DN) was too young for. My parents and I have always bought presents/sent cards. She just calls us by our names. DSD never did sleepovers with my DPs, but then she had two sets of her own GPs. Both of her DGDs have died now but her DGMs are still around.

I’ve seen some on here suggest inheritance should be shared. I personally done think it should, as then SC could end up with more than bio children, I.e. they could have four sets of GPs, whereas bio children might only have two. I don’t see any obligation to leave money/houses/jewellery to people who are not related to you and also have their own relatives (who won’t be asked to share with bio children).

"So i would go for something similar when together - Lego sets for example, and do the bigger gift another time"

Then there's the danger that the biological children always have to postpone their main present, from their GPs, when the SC don't. They might have had theirs earlier, or be getting it later. Which is why you've got to weigh up the particular situation, not go with a blanket rule.

I've bonded with three children, who came into the family via relationships. Only to never see them again, or have very limited contact. I wouldn't do it again. I was an only child and always had friends over/on days out. They were always catered for, no one was left out. So in terms of smaller stuff, that happens anyway in my family. We all like children and are generous natured. Hopefully there would be at least four years between the bio children and step. So when Christmas means something to the bio children, the step one's are old enough to be reasoned with. I've known women who've got with men who've insisted that they all get treated the same, but because the stepchildren's Mum's wider family are very involved it's the biological children who have missed out, or got less.

It's far, far too varied for a blanket yes or no though.

I judge any adult who is complicit in making a young child feel miserable and second-best

Not going for a sleepover or receiving huge amounts of presents from my parents (who they barely know) would not make my DSC feel this way. They are older kids, teenagers now, they understand the reasons perfectly well. Statements like this add emotion which may very well not even be there in a lot of cases. It's not about being second class in our situation, they just aren't their grandparents and that's fine, they get it, they don't need spoiling with lavish gifts from 4 different sets of 'GPs' in the interest of making everything completely equal or having offers of sleepovers forced on them that they'd likely find awkward more than anything else. I'm not sure what they'd even find fun about a sleepover with such an age gap anyway.

I would probably arrange days out/sleepovers with DD for when the step kids aren't at yours, so no one feels left out

I can understand this in some cases (not mine, my SC wouldn't care) from one angle but on another, I think my DSC would quite like having Dad to themselves for the night/day. It's rare that they get that now they have a half sibling. If my mum coming over and taking out our joint DC (who is much younger so unlikely to do anything they'd like anyway) means they get to spend some alone time with their Dad, I actually think that's a good thing. They are there to see him after all, not my parents.

If children are going to be forced to spend substantial amounts of time (weekends, Christmases etc.) with "family" who don't view them as family, that's not OK. If actually, the children only visit EOW and don't have to see the step-grandparents that much, then it's probably fine for them to be treated differently

It's not just EOW type set ups. We don't force anyone to spend time with anyone all the time and our DSC live with us 50:50. We spend Christmas together just us. My parents don't come round all the time during a normal week so they still don't see them a great deal. Occasionally they come round for tea and are nice and pleasant to all children, the other times it's usually me taking our DC to them on a weekend or something.

I personally think it's us adults that spend far too much time going round in circles getting tied in knots trying to make everything equal all the time when it doesn't need to be. Equal is not the same as fair.

Why would it be fair for, for example, my DSC to go and be spoilt by their GPs on Christmas on mum's side, come to ours and tell us all about it, what they got, what a lovely time they had, brag about their presents (because kids do) but for my DC not to get anything that they don't also get from my parents? Funnily no one cares when it's that way round though. Some children really are old enough to be expected to understand this imo. I'm not talking little tiny children or children who've grown up thinking of these people as their grandpar, but older children, I don't see why they can't be expected to understand that they get X from their GPs and their sibling gets Y from theirs.

Same with inheritance. I actually don't find it that shocking that someone would skip a generation to ensure their grandchildren inherited. People want to ensure that their family (and no, if you are barely involved with SC and they don't have that grandparental relationship with you, you're unlikely to see them as family in the same sense), get something from them and not have them diminished by other parties further down the line. Don't see what's so terrible personally.

@MaxThePasta. I think the situation is entirely different for older children who understand that family relationships are different and can vote with their feet and stay at home when the family visits the step-grandparents. But someone upthread talked about their kids having to spend Christmas with step-grandparents and being made to feel unwanted.

@Cadent

My DSC are spoilt by their grandparents on their mums side every year. Say one year my mum wanted to get my DC something special or a bit more expensive than usual, would she need to do exactly the same for the DSC who would then go to their grandparents on their mums side and get spoilt there too?

No, she shouldn't do the same. The DSC are being spoiled by their own grandparents, which is more than enough.

Or she could lead by example and refuse to play favourites. I can guarantee her grandchildren would notice and appreciate that theirs was the more generous and kinder granny.

Or she could lead by example and refuse to play favourites. I can guarantee her grandchildren would notice and appreciate that theirs was the more generous and kinder granny

Why does it have to be about playing favourites or one being kinder than the other? Each child has their own set of grandparents... This is especially the case if the DSC don't see these people as their grandparents in any way.

Put frankly, grandparents should be allowed to 'play favourites' as you put it when it's between their BioGC and children they barely see and know.

In certain scenarios that is.

There is a huge difference between meeting a child at 1 and them growing up calling you granny than there is meeting a child at 11 and them having nothing but a polite relationship with you due to being the parents of their step mother.

I don't think equal treatment in the second scenario is necessary or even fair a lot of the time.

They are of course ‘allowed’ to do whatever they like. It is just my nature that I would treat all children in a family the same. These children did not choose to become step children or grandchildren. But that is what they became when their parents split and married other people. They became step ‘children’ and in my opinion by extension step ‘grandchildren’. Not step ‘people I hardly know’. In the same way that I treat my son and daughter by marriage in the same way that I treat my biological son and daughter, I would treat all grandchildren the same. And that is what they are, whether by blood or marriage, and through no choice of their own.

The argument about step grandchildren having extra because they have their own biological grandparents can be compared to the inheritance argument. Do you leave one of your children more of your inheritance simply because they earn less? No of course not. You are fair because what you give them personally carries an emotional weight.

@MaxthePasta. Put frankly, grandparents should be allowed to 'play favourites' as you put it when it's between their BioGC and children they barely see and know.

I agree with you on this. But if the relationship between the step-grandchildren and grandparents is not a "family" one, the parents shouldn't force the children to spend time with the grandparents (going there for Christmas, Sunday lunch etc.) just because they'd have a childcare issue otherwise. The actual grandchildren should be taken to see the grandparents and the step-grandchildren should get to do something else.

[quote MessAllOver]**@MaxthePasta. Put frankly, grandparents should be allowed to 'play favourites' as you put it when it's between their BioGC and children they barely see and know.

I agree with you on this. But if the relationship between the step-grandchildren and grandparents is not a "family" one, the parents shouldn't force the children to spend time with the grandparents (going there for Christmas, Sunday lunch etc.) just because they'd have a childcare issue otherwise. The actual grandchildren should be taken to see the grandparents and the step-grandchildren should get to do something else.[/quote]
Depends how often you mean.

I don't see it as 'forcing' my DSC to be a family with my parents just because occasionally my parents may pop round for a brew or for the odd Sunday lunch. I am their daughter and they are allowed to visit my home now and then regardless as to who is here, same with DHs parents.

But if it's all the time then yes I agree. We never spend Christmas with them anyway, we only ever spend it just us at home and see family on the other days, I wouldn't force DSC to do so as they don't have that type of relationship.

And re the above, my DSC don't mind seeing my parents when they occasionally visit (tbh they are at the age of spending the majority of the day in their rooms anyway now 😂). It's not that they don't get on, they get on perfectly well, they just don't see them as grandparents or have close family bonds due to ages and how often they see them etc...

Yes, you're right @MaxThePasta. It's not "forcing" in your example where your parents are popping round to your home. Because your DSC don't have to interact with your parents and can just go to their rooms and do their own thing. Also, being pleasant to and making polite conversation with relative strangers or acquaintances who are visiting your parents/step-parents in their house is a perfectly reasonable ask for most children.

I was thinking more of visiting them at their house (where there is no escape and the DSC don't feel at home) or where they dominate special family occasions despite not treating the DSC as family.

The argument about step grandchildren having extra because they have their own biological grandparents can be compared to the inheritance argument. Do you leave one of your children more of your inheritance simply because they earn less? No of course not. You are fair because what you give them personally carries an emotional weight

Well no, that isn't a good comparison at all.

But it is perfectly normal and accepted (regularly on here even!) that step children don't and shouldn't expect to, inherit from their step parents, parents.

I don't buy the whole 'they become your step grandchildren by marriage' business.

It's nothing to do with my parents that I married a man with children. Children who don't need nor want another grandma and grandad in my case. I don't get the point of forcing relationships that no one involved, the children included, are even bothered about.

My DC should be entitled to have a relationship with their own grandparents in a way my SC have with theirs imo. It always seems to be them that have to compromise on things like this in these situations all to make sure everything is absolutely equal (which again doesn't mean fair) all of the time.

We can agree to disagree.

I was thinking more of visiting them at their house (where there is no escape and the DSC don't feel at home) or where they dominate special family occasions despite not treating the DSC as family

Oh well I agree with you there. I wouldn't think to spend Christmas with my parents when the DSC are with us for example as I imagine it's not how they'd choose to spend their Christmas day! Much easier if we just spend it together and see others at a different time.

It depends.

If the DC had no grandparents on their side it would be lovely if they were all treated the same. Especially things like sleepovers and just being involved.

If they have willing and engaging grandparents already then it's less necessary.

Unless you are seriously suggesting Holly that if my parents wanted to leave their grandchild, my DC, something in their will, they should also leave the same amount to my husband's children from a previous relationship who they met as nearly teens and see a handful of times a year?

That is crazy to expect imo.

Just don’t do what my dcs step grandad does. He bought his two real gc a large Christmas card each and then my three dc got one Christmas card to share between them. At Easter my dc do get a very small Easter egg each but the real gc get giant luxury eggs. At least my dc don’t get an egg to share between them I suppose😂 I just think it’s really petty for small items like cards and Easter eggs to make a distinction like that. My dc have no grandad of their own.