Should parents treat step children and their grandchildren the same?

[StrawberryWhatsUp]

For example, if you were married to someone with children and had your first child with them also. Would you expect your parents to treat your step children exactly the same as they do their biological grandchild?

Not necessarily talking about being nice/kind/talking to them when visiting as that's obviously standard but things like sleepovers, days out, taking them on holidays, present buying on birthdays or Christmas, being more interested or asking more, say in their achievements etc...?

If the step children had two involved parents and sets of grandparents on both dad's and mum's side already.

YABU - all should be treated the same.

YANBU - it's expected that grandparents will favour their grandchildren in some ways.

I find the Mumsnet attitude to step children bizarre.

Of course step-kids should be welcomed and made to feel at home and part of the family...but it's crazy to think they should be treated exactly the same as. And I say this as someone who has been part of several blended families. My parents have each been married several times. I never even met the family of my dad's previous wife. My mum's husband's parents died when I was a teenager and it never occurred to me that I would be treated the same as his grand daughters when it came to the funeral and will etc. I had my own grandparents who I loved and would not have wanted someone else to assume that role. I have two DC and my partner has three DC. I would never expect my parents or DP's parents to include the others.

[quote Notanotherwooname]@AnneLovesGilbert

But by letting his wife treat them as if they are an inconvenience he shows them that his wife (not a new wife, they’ve been together more than a decade), and his new kids are more important than they are. It matters.[/quote]
Then your argument is purely with him. Her not loving them is irrelevant. Of course she should treat them fairly but he’s their parent in that household and it’s up to him to make sure things are fair and pleasant.

Of course they should be treated the same! I don't get people's desire to push one child aside because it's 'not mine'.
ITS A CHILD!

Why do people always frame it as "pushing" the other child out? When I encounter any children that are not my own I am not "pushing them out" merely by having a relationship with my DD that I don't have with them.

Most people do not rub the children's noses in it or deliberately push them out of anything. They just naturally build a relationship with their own grandchild without it occurring to them to always do exactly the same with the child of their DIL/SIL who they spend no/next to no time with.

It's a bit ridiculous to view that as deliberate exclusion unless they are making a point of any of it in front of their step grandchild.

I have a SC and my own dc.

My own dc get a lot more spent on them at Xmas/birthday and my parents buy SC a token gift at Xmas and birthday.

Step parent might be all for treating step-grandchild equally, but biological children call them 'fake grandchildren' and make it clear their children count more and are the only proper grandchildren

As someone else said it depends on the circumstances.

When my brother and I were little our maternal grandmother lived with one of her daughters and her two children.

She used to save pennies and 1/2p coins for us because she said the grandchildren she lived with would get little treats if they went to the shop with her, or if she was baking cakes etc.

So we were treated differently but fairly.

I don't have children step or otherwise so my nearest experience is with my nieces and nephew.

I don't treat them the same but I do try to be fair. I bought one a stethoscope because she has just started to study medicine, I don't think the others would want one.

@Disconnect

Step parent might be all for treating step-grandchild equally, but biological children call them 'fake grandchildren' and make it clear their children count more and are the only proper grandchildren

Do they? I've never heard of that! (Not saying it doesn't). Although I of course don't have any experience in that situation yet .

@AnneLovesGilbert

It’s up to their dad to love them Notanotherwooname

What’s he doing that’s damaging their relationship with him? He can’t make his wife love his children.

Loving my children as if they were his own was a pre requisite for marrying my husband. It’s a shame a lot of parents place so little emphasis on the importance of that.

Loving my children as if they were his own was a pre requisite for marrying my husband.
It’s a shame a lot of parents place so little emphasis on the importance of that.

Yes, there would be a lot more demanding parents rightfully single as they have unrealistic expectations of any partners they may have.

No @AnneLovesGilbert she as an adult who chose to marry a man with children, has a duty to treat those children equally when they are in her home.

I am no stepmother hater. I have never had any beef with her, but since her own kids came along, she has made her SC feel unwanted, and pushed out of the home they share with their dad. It’s only EOW FFS, she should grow up.

Loving my children as if they were his own was a pre requisite for marrying my husband

I think this is a difficult subject though.

I treat my step children like my children in the sense that they are treated and will continue to be treated in the same way any child of mine would be/is.

Love is a feeling though that you cannot control. Do I love them the same as my child? No I don't think I do. Love them yes, but not the same. I think that's entirely natural and so long as they all feel loved and included I don't see why my private and basically uncontrollable feelings of love for my child should need to be a deal-breaker for my husband.

Of course they should be treated the same! I don't get people's desire to push one child aside because it's 'not mine'.
ITS A CHILD!

It’s not as black and white as that though is it? There are so many factors that affect this. If you’re not careful, one child gets absolutely everything from everybody and the other child has to compromise all the time. No time alone with the grandparents because the stepchild has to come too, even though the stepchild had a whole weekend alone with their own grandparents on their mother’s side last weekend.
Can’t buy my granddaughter that because I can’t buy the same for the stepchild who gets lots of nice treats from their mother’s side of their family.

The stepchild could have grandparents on their mother’s side who are well off and put lots of time and money in to their grandchild.

And even if the grandparents are not well off, they might be even more protective of their more limited time and money going towards their actual grandchildren.

Oh but I do agree definitely @Notanotherwooname that your children should be treated equally in their home.

I just don't agree with the argument that a step parent has to love a DSC like their own otherwise they are unreasonable (I know that's not what you're saying).

Feelings of love and the way we outwardly treat people are different things imo.

From my experience as a step-grandchild (from 7yo) I would say that as long as the SC feels loved and wanted and welcome, the stuff with presents and value of presents and fairness and whatever is by the by.

My stepdad's mother was spectacularly mean and let her feelings towards me be known through presents or lack of them. As a young child, I'd get some inappropriate regift like a tea-towel or used "old-lady" handcream! At 8yo, I vividly remember her lining up all her GC (6 bio and me) and going down the line giving each one a gift and leaving me out!

My stepmum's parents OTOH were kind and welcoming. They had 7 bio GC and me. They gave me presents that were well below the monetary value of the ones they gave their bio GC but they were nice, thoughtful gifts and that was what I loved the most.

I also had bio GPs and I honestly had no expectation that my step-GPs, certainly in terms of gift-giving, would treat me in the same way. And I didn't think of them as my grandparents but as the parents of my stepmum/dad.

@aSofaNearYou

*Loving my children as if they were his own was a pre requisite for marrying my husband. It’s a shame a lot of parents place so little emphasis on the importance of that.*

Yes, there would be a lot more demanding parents rightfully single as they have unrealistic expectations of any partners they may have.

As opposed to a lot of deeply damaged children being badly treated by selfish adults who scweem and scweem about how important THEY are as opposed to the child?

It really depends. If they've been in the family since they were tiny then yes. If they were already teenagers then I'd expect them to make an effort but of course it's not going to be the same as the relationship they have with children they've known all their lives.

I've been the SC, I didn't see my SGP very often at all. But we would spend holidays together. I must admit I was pretty hurt to not be given any present from them, not even a card or "sorry we couldn't afford it"
They completely ignored me. I'm not spoiled and I understood the reasoning but I still felt completely left out and it was pretty awkward. I think your mum given a small token would be really nice and make them feel included. Even something small.

As opposed to a lot of deeply damaged children being badly treated by selfish adults who scweem and scweem about how important THEY are as opposed to the child?

Are the two things mutually exclusive? Does me not loving my DSC like my own child mean I am a selfish adult 'scweeming' about how important I am?

I don't think it has to be one or the other and it actually, I imagine, isn't in the majority of cases. I think a lot more people than would admit through fear of being labelled terrible by posters here don't love step children like their own. It doesn't automatically mean they are awful though or that they treat those children terribly.

I've never been mean or unkind to my DSC. We have a good relationship. They are treated fairly in our home and I am 100% confident that they feel loved by us.

Internally though I don't love them the same as my own child. Why does it matter? I can't help that. But I can help how I behave, that's all that should matter surely?

The ages that the children became step children, if the other biological parent is still around, time spent, so many factors. My grandmother is more my step cousin's grandmother than mine. They are not related biologically, my grandmother married a man with teenage children. My step cousin spent much more time as a child with our grandmother than I did so they are closer.

I think your mum given a small token would be really nice and make them feel included. Even something small

Yes she does and has done since we met, before she even met them actually! My grandma also gets them a little something every year for both birthdays and Christmas despite only meeting them once or twice.

The present situation was more hypothetical as my DC is only young. But was interested to know if people thought presents had to be the same in terms of value/size/amount etc...

I find the Mumsnet attitude to step children bizarre

Well exactly. You need to love them and treat them like your own children. You must involve them in your life, cut out any of your own family members who don’t treat them like your own. You must sacrifice your own holidays and luxuries if you can’t afford to, or the stepdc can’t be involved for some reason. Even if the stepdc go on holiday with their mum, your own kid can’t go without them.

But also you must remember you are not their mum, you have no right to get involved with parenting them or interfere in their upbringing. You must remember they have their own mum and their own family and you aren’t part of it. You’re just their dad’s wife.

This is one of those MN topics that can go either way. Try asking whether your stepmum can call herself Granny Sarah when she looks after your new baby, and you'll be told in no uncertain terms by some posters that her name is Grandad's Wife, or possibly Mrs Harris on informal occasions.

she as an adult who chose to marry a man with children, has a duty to treat those children equally when they are in her home.

The problem with this attitude is that I don't think I have ever seen this applied to discipline, decision making etc. Seems that a step parent is only allowed to treat their DSC equally when it comes to giving them time, attention, money etc, but ask them nicely to tidy their bedroom or not drop their food wrappers on the floor and it's all how DARE you discipline my child! It's this pick and choose attitude towards equality that causes resentment and friction.

I had step grandparents from the age of 8. They lived around the corner from us. They gave my sister and I birthday and Christmas presents, they came to our house on a Saturday morning on their way to the shops . They were kind and interested. My half sisters (my dad and step mum's children) were much younger than us. Their grandparents obviously did more with them as they grew older but I don't remember it bothering me. We had family on our late mother's side as well as our Dad's small family. Overall I would expect step families to be kind, take an interest in a child's achievements etc but I wouldn't expect exactly the same treatment.

@bluebluezoo what about when it’s the other way round though, you are the step dad, you married DSCs mum. Do you only pay for your child with mum to go on holiday, or all? What if you then can’t afford to go, do you not go, or do you take your children and leave DCS with their father