Should parents treat step children and their grandchildren the same?

[StrawberryWhatsUp]

For example, if you were married to someone with children and had your first child with them also. Would you expect your parents to treat your step children exactly the same as they do their biological grandchild?

Not necessarily talking about being nice/kind/talking to them when visiting as that's obviously standard but things like sleepovers, days out, taking them on holidays, present buying on birthdays or Christmas, being more interested or asking more, say in their achievements etc...?

If the step children had two involved parents and sets of grandparents on both dad's and mum's side already.

YABU - all should be treated the same.

YANBU - it's expected that grandparents will favour their grandchildren in some ways.

And a word to the wise. My kids’ stepmum does not treat them like her own children and not only do they begin to hate her, it is materially damaging their relationship with their dad. It really is very important that all children of a household are treated with equal love.

When I was a stepparent, my parents did adore my former stepchild. But they didn’t put anywhere near as much practically, emotionally and financially in to that child as much as their own grandchildren (my children).
For example, when it came to big school trips, they’d offer to pay towards my children’s but not the stepchild’s.
They took my children on holiday, but not the stepchild.
They took my children to their hobbies, but didn’t take stepchild to theirs.
Poured so much time and effort in to helping them with homework and enriching their lives alongside me. Their dad has always been a lazy arse and my dad has been more of a dad to my children.

My parents are very close to me and my children, so they’ve always known my children’s routines and what’s going on in their lives.
It’s those clear differences. With a stepchild it’s very different because they have a whole other life with grandparents in it to do all those things for them.

My parents were very good and kind towards my stepchild, and invited them round for tea and bought birthday presents and Christmas presents. Took stepchild on trips out, brought treats round for all of them. Even now I’m no longer with my ex they still ask about them.

It did used to really annoy me how my ex’s parents always favoured my ex’s first child, and people expected my parents to treat them all the same. I did make sure that that didn’t have to be the case.

@Notanotherwooname

Don’t have any grandchildren yet (and hope not for a while!) but when my sons grow up, I hope my DH will treat their children (his stepgrandchildren) in the same way he treats his biological grandchildren. I know he will, because he treats them the same way as he treats his children. But I suspect he is reasonably rare in that, but it is as it should be.

Is this different though? If I've read you correctly (apologies if not), you're referring to your husband's step son (your son) going on to have children of his own in the future and how your DH would treat said children.

That's different to what I'm referring to here. I think I would treat my step children's future children as my grandchildren, I'd have been around in my SCs life for a long time by then, I have a bond with them and I'd have known their children from birth and be married to their grandfather, my husband.

I'm talking about my parent, treating my step children the same as her biological grandchild. So in your example, it would be your DHs parents, your PIL that I'm referring to.

It’s up to their dad to love them Notanotherwooname

What’s he doing that’s damaging their relationship with him? He can’t make his wife love his children.

My dad has definitely invested way more of his time with his step grandchildren. Mine (his biological grandchildren) he does the obligatory birthday and Christmas stuff. I’ve accepted it now but when I was younger it upset me that he couldn’t just be the same with all of them. I don’t get on with my step mother or her children so its probably that. Thankfully my children have a grandma that dotes on them.

I would expect any adult in the family to make an effort not to hurt the feelings of a young child. So lavishing affection and gifts on one dc in front of siblings is crass and unkind imo. If the grandparent wants to make a fuss then it should be in such a way that it doesn't cause hurt (which might include treating all dc if treating one, or saving sleepovers for when the other dc are with their other parent).

Age is a factor.

The older kids have their own grandparents.

They probably won't feel close to the step grandparents if they acquired them once they were older.

If they have known them and had them be grandparently since toddlerhood then maybe.

I think a majority of people who are shocked by the idea of grandparents not seeing their child's step children as their own grandchildren are primarily people that are envisioning a situation where the step children are there full time.

My parents barely know my step son. They have met him 2-3 times in 5 years. It is nice that they even buy him a token Christmas present, it would be absolutely ridiculous to expect them to view him/buy for him in the same way they do my DD.

No, my children have two very involved grandparents. When we visit DP’s parents my kids are treated like kings and given a £10 note on the way home - my mum does similar with DP’s children. However, I would never expect my kids to go on holiday with DP’s parents or be part of their will or anything like that. That would feel quite weird, and unfair to their own grandchildren.

I have got a DS and a DSS. My parents buy my DSS a token gift for his birthday and Christmas and get on well with him in the rare occasion that they see him. We only hvdae him EOW so they don't see him much

Neither me nor my DH would expect my parents to spend the same on him as they do on our DS. He's already got 4 sets of grandparents that spend on him

I think it's unrealistic to expect the same for step children as for children

@rorosemary no, they aren’t family ?? Erm please ask my DD is her DSD is her family... that is wrong.

I think if the children already have very involved grandparents on the mothers side then i don't think they would see it as an issue at all that your DD gets bigger presents from her grandparents, they know she's isn't their grand mother, they have their own who spoils them but doesn't spoil their half sister. I think it's adults who make this shit more complicated by demanding everyone always be treated exactly the same

HavelockVetinari Mon 05-Oct-20 09:00:31
they aren't the same, you still try to love and care for them of course, but they're not your children in the way that your own are.

Do you think it would be okay to treat adopted children like this as well? After all, they're not the family's 'own' children.

I would say it depends on the circumstances.

If I had been involved with my grandkids since birth and had helped to raise them, collect from school etc, watched them grow up, then a teenage step child joined the family, no I wouldn't be making provision for that child in my will.

If the step child joined the family as a youngster and was raised alongside my biological grandkids as a sibling, then obviously that would change things and Yes, I would treat them very much as "My own"

Of course they should be treated the same! I don't get people's desire to push one child aside because it's 'not mine'.
ITS A CHILD!

@ReggieCat

No, when you adopt a child they do become yours. A step child is not yours. Stop being so emotive, there's nothing wrong with acknowledging that a step child is not the step parent's child.

@StrawberryWhatsUp

The question was, should grandchildren and step grandchildren be treated the same, and my answer was yes! I’m sorry my scenario was not yours.

Looking at your scenario, I think the answer should still be yes. All children of a household should be treated with equal love, as I said above. My PIL do not treat their step grandchildren equally to their grandchildren and it causes hurts. But I believe they should. They’ve known them since they were very young, so there really is now excuse except wrongheaded notions of “blood”.

And I know it can be done differently because I had a cousin who was in fact a step, and I saw him treated absolutely no differently by my grandparents than any of the others. If you were to ask them how many GC they had, he was included in the numbers. They included him in the will. It meant he felt part of the family (which he was, and is) and it cost nobody anything.

I don’t think it should be expected, especially if the SC have involved grandparents. If SC receive big gifts from all grandparents (including the step GP) then they are getting more than the child who has 2 involved GP if that makes sense?
It would also depend on who they live with too, if SC live with the step parent full time then the new grandparents would probably be naturally more involved with the kids than if the kids just visit every other week

Do you think it would be okay to treat adopted children like this as well? After all, they're not the family's 'own' children.

Don’t be ridiculous. Adopted children wouldn’t have their own involved grandparents or another home.

@ReggieCat

HavelockVetinari Mon 05-Oct-20 09:00:31 they aren't the same, you still try to love and care for them of course, but they're not your children in the way that your own are.

Do you think it would be okay to treat adopted children like this as well? After all, they're not the family's 'own' children.

I treat my step children the same as my children when they are here however this is one argument I really can't stand.

Adopted children and step children are not comparable. Certainly not in the usual set up whether the step children have two parents who are involved.

I am not my step children's mum in the same way I would be if I had adopted a child, they already have a mum. I do not have parental responsibility for a step child in the same way I would an adopted child.

It's so annoying when people act like they are the same. Unless a step child's other parent isn't around and they see you as that parent or you have adopted them, it is not comparable.

@AnneLovesGilbert

But by letting his wife treat them as if they are an inconvenience he shows them that his wife (not a new wife, they’ve been together more than a decade), and his new kids are more important than they are. It matters.

YABU and I say that as a sm of 7 years.

My dsc are 12, 10 and 7 and although they get on with my dm it's very much a 'polite' relationship rather than a grandmother relationship. However my ds10 is adored and she loves to spend time with him. That said she always buys for my dsc on their birthday and Christmas and we have been on many days out all together (pre covid)

aSofaNearYou Mon 05-Oct-20 10:32:07

@ReggieCat

No, when you adopt a child they do become yours. A step child is not yours. Stop being so emotive, there's nothing wrong with acknowledging that a step child is not the step parent's child.

I worked in adoption for 15 years and have often met the attitude from other family members that the adopted children aren't really 'our family'. I'm not being emotive - I'm speaking from experience of meeting some horrible families.

@lilfoxfur

YABU and I say that as a sm of 7 years.

My dsc are 12, 10 and 7 and although they get on with my dm it's very much a 'polite' relationship rather than a grandmother relationship. However my ds10 is adored and she loves to spend time with him. That said she always buys for my dsc on their birthday and Christmas and we have been on many days out all together (pre covid)

This would be YANBU wouldn't it? Or do you mean you don't agree with how your mum is with your step children?

@ReggieCat

aSofaNearYou Mon 05-Oct-20 10:32:07

@ReggieCat

No, when you adopt a child they do become yours. A step child is not yours. Stop being so emotive, there's nothing wrong with acknowledging that a step child is not the step parent's child.

I worked in adoption for 15 years and have often met the attitude from other family members that the adopted children aren't really 'our family'. I'm not being emotive - I'm speaking from experience of meeting some horrible families.

That's not okay obviously.

It doesn't mean step children and adopted children are the same though.