Should parents treat step children and their grandchildren the same?

[StrawberryWhatsUp]

For example, if you were married to someone with children and had your first child with them also. Would you expect your parents to treat your step children exactly the same as they do their biological grandchild?

Not necessarily talking about being nice/kind/talking to them when visiting as that's obviously standard but things like sleepovers, days out, taking them on holidays, present buying on birthdays or Christmas, being more interested or asking more, say in their achievements etc...?

If the step children had two involved parents and sets of grandparents on both dad's and mum's side already.

YABU - all should be treated the same.

YANBU - it's expected that grandparents will favour their grandchildren in some ways.

It's nothing to do with my parents that I married a man with children.

I agree. In fact as I would be very against my DC marrying a man with kids in the first place, I wouldn't be happy with the expectation to treat them the same as my biological GC. Treat them nicely, of course....but the same..No.

I just think it’s really petty for small items like cards and Easter eggs to make a distinction like that.

Yes that does seem rather petty over chocolate and cards. It's hardly loads of money in this case.

It seems he wants a clear demarcation between the GC and the SGC.

I assume your DC know that he's not their GF though?

It isn't black and white imo.

SC who live with you full time from a young age. Child of your own within their childhood. Your parents see all kids every Saturday.

SC who come EOW and who were teens when you got together. Child of your own when they're mid teens. Your parents see your child every Saturday and so see SC for half an hour once a fortnight before their Dad takes them out.

I'd expect more equality in the first family than the second.

@Holly60

They are of course ‘allowed’ to do whatever they like. It is just my nature that I would treat all children in a family the same. These children did not choose to become step children or grandchildren. But that is what they became when their parents split and married other people. They became step ‘children’ and in my opinion by extension step ‘grandchildren’. Not step ‘people I hardly know’. In the same way that I treat my son and daughter by marriage in the same way that I treat my biological son and daughter, I would treat all grandchildren the same. And that is what they are, whether by blood or marriage, and through no choice of their own.

The argument about step grandchildren having extra because they have their own biological grandparents can be compared to the inheritance argument. Do you leave one of your children more of your inheritance simply because they earn less? No of course not. You are fair because what you give them personally carries an emotional weight.

It's not fair to the bio children is it?

What if grandparents decide to buy their child an iPad, or put £1k in the bio child's savings account?

Would you expect them to do that for DSC, even though they have their own grandparents?

At Easter my dc do get a very small Easter egg each but the real gc get giant luxury eggs. At least my dc don’t get an egg to share between them I suppose😂 I just think it’s really petty for small items like cards and Easter eggs to make a distinction like that. My dc have no grandad of their own
Awh that is mean there is no way I'd make an obvious difference especially if the DC are little.
My friend remarried her DH treats her 2 the same it can be unfair as her two get gifts from their Dad at Christmas but never any weekly maintenance he is happy for her DH to support them week to week.

@Emeraldshamrock

At Easter my dc do get a very small Easter egg each but the real gc get giant luxury eggs. At least my dc don’t get an egg to share between them I suppose😂 I just think it’s really petty for small items like cards and Easter eggs to make a distinction like that. My dc have no grandad of their own Awh that is mean there is no way I'd make an obvious difference especially if the DC are little. My friend remarried her DH treats her 2 the same it can be unfair as her two get gifts from their Dad at Christmas but never any weekly maintenance he is happy for her DH to support them week to week.

I agree this is petty. Things like Easte eggs should be the same for all children.

I expect all children to be treated the same when they are all present. If sd2 is at her mums, well, out of sight, out of mind.

@SandyY2K

It's nothing to do with my parents that I married a man with children.

I agree. In fact as I would be very against my DC marrying a man with kids in the first place, I wouldn't be happy with the expectation to treat them the same as my biological GC. Treat them nicely, of course....but the same..No.

I just think it’s really petty for small items like cards and Easter eggs to make a distinction like that.

Yes that does seem rather petty over chocolate and cards. It's hardly loads of money in this case.

It seems he wants a clear demarcation between the GC and the SGC.

I assume your DC know that he's not their GF though?

My dc are 9, 12 and 13 so not small - they are fine about it-it’s more me that finds it upsetting. Especially as their only grandad died this year, so it would be nice if their step grandad (though I don’t think he sees himself as family to them even though I’m married to their son) didn’t make petty distinctions like that. I totally understand different treatment when it comes to big things, but when he is a guest in my home, I think he should make an effort with my dc.

To be honest, it has put me off FIL and it does make me see him differently.

I think it depends on ages of kids. You cant force a bond i dont think thats fair on either side. Its much easier to create a bond when they are little.
I would expect them to still be generally good with them though ie, birthday and christmas presents. The grandparents also may not want to step on other grandparents toes too