Should parents treat step children and their grandchildren the same?

[StrawberryWhatsUp]

For example, if you were married to someone with children and had your first child with them also. Would you expect your parents to treat your step children exactly the same as they do their biological grandchild?

Not necessarily talking about being nice/kind/talking to them when visiting as that's obviously standard but things like sleepovers, days out, taking them on holidays, present buying on birthdays or Christmas, being more interested or asking more, say in their achievements etc...?

If the step children had two involved parents and sets of grandparents on both dad's and mum's side already.

YABU - all should be treated the same.

YANBU - it's expected that grandparents will favour their grandchildren in some ways.

My BIL sees his DD oncea year if that. She has probably met his wife about 5 times and her little sister about twice. Never met wifes parents. Not even sure If wife's parents know he has a daughter. Shame, she fantastic. (The rest of the family see her regularly)
Gower, on her mum's side, she knows her stepdad parents well. As well as her mums stepdad family. Shes with her mum and stepdads 95% of the time, so that relationships has developed over the last 10years.
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For those expecting SGC to get the same presents/left the same in wills etc. Do you expect ex-PIL to do the same for a child they have no relationship with except that they are their GC step siblings?

‘Of course she should treat them fairly but he’s their parent in that household and it’s up to him to make sure things are fair and pleasant’

What an utterly depressing post. You don’t have any expectations that a step mother needs to be ‘fair and pleasant’ to children? Without having to be policed to do so?

As opposed to lots of deeply damaged children being badly treated by selfish adults who scweem and scweem about how important THEY are as opposed to the child?

Dear Lord. Maybe a few, but probably far more absolutely normal adults who are perfectly capable of treating a child nicely without loving them quite as strongly as if they were their own children.

Personally I think anybody like that could do a lot better than a woman who would use mocking words like "scweem and scweem" when they dare to have any feelings other than complete worshipping of their step child, even if it's just the simple act of not viewing them in exactly the same way as their own biological children (and even if this isn't reflected in their behaviour at all).

My step dad treats my children like his own granchildren. They refer to each other as grandad/grandchild. But then he has always been like a father to me, and I don't have much to do with my bio dad. He is basically my dad and I would only refer to him otherwise if it was especially relevant to the situation. That's my specific family dynamic. Everyone's will be different and I can think of plenty of situations in which it would be unfair to foist that onto someone - if a step parent doesn't see their step child as exactly the same as their bio children, which they really aren't obliged to, then why on earth would they feel the same way about all of the grandchildren?

I think this is too complex a question with too many variables for a simple "yes" or "no" answer.

My stepdc have their own family and their own lives. 4 grandparents, who treat them very well, pay for holidays, school trips, iphones etc.

My mum is a widow and lives at the other end of the country. When she sees them she will slip them a £10 along with my kids, and will send them a card with money for christmas and birthdays.

She sees my kids more often, and will buy them gifts for christmas and treats them more like “grandchildren”

Stepdc are adults now. I wouldn’t expect them to try and maintain a “grandparent” relationship. If my mum is around they have a good relationship, but more “friend of their dad”

It would be a bit wierd to force an extra grandparent on the children. They are more than capable of understanding that they have their grandparents and my dc have theirs.

My in-laws are amazing with my little boy from a past relationship, involve him as much as possible.

My mum isn't so involved with DSS though. Partly because we have less contact time and he lives with his mum over an hours drive away so we are normally in their neck of the woods for visits

Step parent might be all for treating step-grandchild equally, but biological children call them 'fake grandchildren' and make it clear their children count more and are the only proper grandchildren

Do they? I've never heard of that! (Not saying it doesn't). Although I of course don't have any experience in that situation yet

Yep, not in general but in my specific experience. But the biological DC are very grabby and materialistic and probably worry about sharing inheritance so seek to discredit the step DC and DGC.

@TitsOutForHarambe

My step dad treats my children like his own granchildren. They refer to each other as grandad/grandchild. But then he has always been like a father to me, and I don't have much to do with my bio dad. He is basically my dad and I would only refer to him otherwise if it was especially relevant to the situation. That's my specific family dynamic. Everyone's will be different and I can think of plenty of situations in which it would be unfair to foist that onto someone - if a step parent doesn't see their step child as exactly the same as their bio children, which they really aren't obliged to, then why on earth would they feel the same way about all of the grandchildren?

I wasn't referring to how a step parent views the children of their step child.

More how a step mothers parents for example, sees their daughters step children in comparison with their daughters biological child, their grandchild.

I don't think my title was very clear!

Ah, I see.

Yeah, it's late here and I think I'm too tired to wrap my head around that one. Bedtime for me...

As opposed to a lot of deeply damaged children being badly treated by selfish adults who scweem and scweem about how important THEY are as opposed to the child?

When I was a stepparent, I wasn’t bothered about ME being more important. I was more bothered about being allowed to be a parent to my own children and to put them first many many many times due to my ex and his family, and his ex wife.
Otherwise my own children might have been the deeply damaged ones.

I would hope they would treat them all the same. A lot of people do and if I had a step grandchild I'm sure I would.

However I do think people are bonkers to get involved with someone who has children. No matter how old you are, there are always nice, single, childless people available.

@NC4NW123 Step dads are nearly always living with the resident parent and the children legally form part of the household that the stepdad lives in. How is a stepdad who whose DSC reside with him most or all of the time comparable with the situation most step mums find themselves in with non resident DSC they might only see EOW?

I don't think it's a problem for your mum to get her biological gc a little extra, dsc get 2 Christmases - the problem is the logistics of how to go about it so no child feels upset or unwanted in any way.

I have dd, step daughter to my husband, dss and one dd together. My mum treats my dss the same day to day but will spend a little more and have dgdds over for sleepovers etc, not on dss nights, easy.

Christmas is harder, depends what we are doing on the day, sometimes extra presents at hers on boxing day, sometimes extra presents on the day depending when we have dss.

As they have got older it is easier to explain how only half thier gifts are at ours and the other half at the other parents. Due to this our shared dd actually gets more from us too

@MyCatHatesEverybody I wasn’t aware this post was ONLY about step mums sorry

@StylishMummy

If 'step' child had been part of the family since infancy/very young and mainly resides with my DC, I'd absolutely make every effort to treat them identically to blood. I know several families where this happens.

Alternatively, if the step child is older and already has biological grandparents that are very involved, then I'd be kind and do xmas & birthday presents but not the extra stuff like sleepovers, sports days etc

This.

[quote MyCatHatesEverybody]@NC4NW123 Step dads are nearly always living with the resident parent and the children legally form part of the household that the stepdad lives in. How is a stepdad who whose DSC reside with him most or all of the time comparable with the situation most step mums find themselves in with non resident DSC they might only see EOW?[/quote]
I’d love to know where all these Dads are who accept EOW as an okay level of contact. I only know one person with EOW and he works away. I have several divorced friends who share custody. Myself and DH and his ex wife and her DH have 60-40 custody during term time and 50-50 during holidays. What kind of man accepts EOW? And what kind of woman marries that man? It’s alien to me how that is thought of as ok.

It’s not about blood and comparisons with adoption are ridiculous. At the end of the day a large percentage of marriages end in divorce and if the couple split up the step-grandparents more likely than not would never see those children again. It’s an entirely contingent relationship, not one which the grandparents and children have in their own right. Inheritance and intestacy laws reflect that - an adopted child will inherit from parents and grandparents in the normal way, whereas a stepchild might as well be the next door neighbour.

Obviously there are many loving step-family relationships in practice though, a friend of mine married a woman with a toddler whose father was present-ish but not great, so toddler lived with them 90% of the time. His parents were delighted to take on a grandparental role, child is now an adult and they’re all very close.

It does depend on the situation and relationship. Where the children are very small, all live together most of the time, and the step Grandparent is more like an actual Grandparent, then it would be normal to treat them all the same. Where the children are older, have their own Grandparents, and more of a friendly relationship with the step grandparent, then I think treating them differently is fine. Older children know that the person is not their Granny, and can understand that their half sibling has their own parent and Grandparents, and so may have special things from them just for themselves. Of course everyone should get a Christmas and birthday present, but spoiling your own Grandchild is absolutely fine.

@NC4NW123 who said this thread was only about step mums? I was just pointing out that the situation between step mums and step dads is rarely comparable.

@Nowhereelsetogo90 That's fantastic, I guess we can close down the CMS if all these fantastic fathers are stepping up doing equal care.

[quote MyCatHatesEverybody]@NC4NW123 who said this thread was only about step mums? I was just pointing out that the situation between step mums and step dads is rarely comparable.

@Nowhereelsetogo90 That's fantastic, I guess we can close down the CMS if all these fantastic fathers are stepping up doing equal care.[/quote]
Bit unnecessary. There are obviously rubbish fathers out there, hence me saying I don’t understand why they accept EOW as ok? If they were better fathers they would do equal care... . To be fair to men, also plenty of women out there who are claiming a god given right as a default resident parent.

it depends:

my stepdad who married my mam when I was 4 and had my half siblings with my mam and raised us together as a family unit - yes, he is my 'real' dad (and his family are my real family) in every way except DNA

my 'stepmam' so biodads girlfriend/fiance who lives seperate has her own kids (who I dont even know) and see me maybe once/twice a year etc... no, honestly I expect nothing from them at all (dont even think I ever met her parents)

@Nowhereelsetogo90 I apologise, I was being unnecessarily snippy. It's a bugbear of mine when step mums and step dads are compared as if the set ups and expectations placed on them are equal when it's very rarely the case.

I think demographics has a lot to do with it. I personally know of a few examples of 50/50 care or thereabouts, my own DH included. However most of my DSC's friends with separated parents only see their dads EOW or less. I also did payroll at a company with comprised of a certain demographic and the number of attachment of earnings relating to child maintenance was depressing.