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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should parents treat step children and their grandchildren the same?

284 replies

StrawberryWhatsUp · 05/10/2020 08:55

For example, if you were married to someone with children and had your first child with them also. Would you expect your parents to treat your step children exactly the same as they do their biological grandchild?

Not necessarily talking about being nice/kind/talking to them when visiting as that's obviously standard but things like sleepovers, days out, taking them on holidays, present buying on birthdays or Christmas, being more interested or asking more, say in their achievements etc...?

If the step children had two involved parents and sets of grandparents on both dad's and mum's side already.

YABU - all should be treated the same.

YANBU - it's expected that grandparents will favour their grandchildren in some ways.

OP posts:
Enko · 05/10/2020 09:22

@Nowhereelsetogo90 for me its more that each situation is unique and due to this you can not blanket state they should be treated the same.

I have similar cases to yours in close firends where no issues have been expressed as adults they see and understand why and feel no resentment or sensations of being less l. I would hazard a guess that they had parents and grandparents plus step grandparens who throd the path better than the one you are experiencing. In my case there was a difference but both my siblings thinks of our step fathers parents as lovely people. Just not their grandparents. I know my sister when she goes to the church yard to our mothers grave always stops at theirs too.

movingonup20 · 05/10/2020 09:24

Depends on circumstances. If they are the only grandparents in the kids life and have been in the family since young yes. If they have active grandparents and/or are recently in the family then kindness yes but not equal gifts or treats

Ladedada · 05/10/2020 09:24

It depends on the situation. When my DSS is at his dads. We see his Dads parents, there isn’t time to also see my parents so my parents don’t see him much.. however the rest of the time I see my parents so they are my DD a lot! They don’t treat them differently when they are together but it is a different relationship.

iolaus · 05/10/2020 09:25

DH was in this situation when he was 5 (few years later his siblings were born)

Just asked him, his stepfather's mother treated them the same (and in fairness to her signs christmas cards Gran and puts money in them for our children which I think is what she does for his siblings) but he said occasionally his stepfathers father would make the odd comment that he said was odd that maybe there was a difference - but that that could have been his sense of humour - he still used to stay with him growing up, however he doesn't stay in touch as an adult - but I don't think he does to his biological grandchildren either

NataliaOsipova · 05/10/2020 09:25

Ok - your situation sounds like a halfway one, OP. Not sure quite how old your stepchildren are now, but I’m assuming 9 and 7 and you have a baby. In that case, they’re old enough to know that they have their own grandparents (and that your mum isn’t one of them)...but young enough to be aware of presents and who gets what etc. So - it’s nice if your mum remembers Christmas and birthdays and has a positive relationship with them, but I don’t think there’s any need for her to make huge efforts to treat them all the same in terms of visits, contact etc.

user1493413286 · 05/10/2020 09:25

The present one is a tricky one; my mum spends about £25-30 on my DC and probably nearer £15 on DSD but due to various logistics they’ve not so far opened all their presents together so it’s not been an issue. Someone mentioned about what the child viewed the person as and I think that important; my DSD views my mum just as my mum rather than as her gran so I’m not sure she’d expect to be treated the sand when she doesn’t view her in the way my DC do.

HollywoodHandshake · 05/10/2020 09:27

Of course not, how weird.
I'd expect anyone to be kind and not make any child feel like a second class citizen, but it's natural for family to come first. I wouldn't expect any sleepover or special day out.

The OP's mum should not feel obliged to spend the same amount. Children are not stupid, they know perfectly well who is their grand-parents and who isn't, they wouldn't expect it anyway if they are raised properly. So for Christmas, they should all have the same amount of sweet, same size of cake, but different gifts are fine - as long as they are nice.

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 05/10/2020 09:27

@AnneLovesGilbert

That’s down to all the parents Nowhereelsetogo90, the grandparents didn’t cause any of it either.

My parents (one of whom is a step to me) treat my DSC well because they’re good people and made an effort to get to know them, not because they have divorced parents and feel they need to do it out of guilt or pity. My parents had nothing to do with my husband and his ex divorcing.

Obviously it’s down to the parents. My point was no adult should ever treat a child differently or make them feel left out etc, nothing to do with guilt, just being a decent human Smile
User36258 · 05/10/2020 09:28

To an extent. I wouldn’t expect grandparents to include their own children’s step-children in their will or give them financial help etc, but in terms of day-to-day treats / activities / sleepovers etc I think all children in a family should be treated equally - especially if the children involved are younger than mid-teens. Children are very attuned to unfairness and don’t necessarily understand the complexities of blended families. As much as possible should be done to ensure they don’t feel left out or second best when it comes to general family interactions.

movingonup20 · 05/10/2020 09:29

@Nowhereelsetogo90

It's because there's a lot of different situations. If we legally marry I will technically have 2 stepdaughters but they were adults when I met them so my parents aren't likely to have much of a relationship totally different to if someone is dumped by their partner pregnant, the father chooses nc and the step father is on the scene from very young treating as his own. PS my father gets on well with dp's dd as they have shared hobbies, but it's not a grandparent relationship

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 05/10/2020 09:30

@HollywoodHandshake

Of course not, how weird. I'd expect anyone to be kind and not make any child feel like a second class citizen, but it's natural for family to come first. I wouldn't expect any sleepover or special day out.

The OP's mum should not feel obliged to spend the same amount. Children are not stupid, they know perfectly well who is their grand-parents and who isn't, they wouldn't expect it anyway if they are raised properly. So for Christmas, they should all have the same amount of sweet, same size of cake, but different gifts are fine - as long as they are nice.

Maybe I’m over sensitive to this topic but you don’t see SC as “family?”
Enko · 05/10/2020 09:31

my DSD views my mum just as my mum rather than as her gran

That bit is the key to all of this.

In my case I saw them as my grandparents my sister and brother as our stepdads parents.

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 05/10/2020 09:31

[quote movingonup20]@Nowhereelsetogo90

It's because there's a lot of different situations. If we legally marry I will technically have 2 stepdaughters but they were adults when I met them so my parents aren't likely to have much of a relationship totally different to if someone is dumped by their partner pregnant, the father chooses nc and the step father is on the scene from very young treating as his own. PS my father gets on well with dp's dd as they have shared hobbies, but it's not a grandparent relationship [/quote]
Yeah of course it’s different if they are adults when you meet etc. The OP is referring to children.

contrmary · 05/10/2020 09:33

Step-children aren't "family" in the same way normal children are. Step-children are much like friends, they are someone else's family. You can get along with them, but no grandparent is likely to spend the same amount of love and money on their grandchild's friend as the grandchild themselves.

I think step-parents need to treat their children and step-children equally, because the step-parent decided to get into this situation. But the grandparents didn't break up a family or swoop on a single parent, their child did.

Enko · 05/10/2020 09:34

@Nowhereelsetogo90 I think its not the stepchild thats not family but the step grandparents who do not see them as family. That comes back to how much time you get with the children to form this bond.

PleasantVille · 05/10/2020 09:36

You aren't expecting a definitive answer are you?

Every family is different and has its own dynamics, there's no correct way to do it and probably every family has it's own way as long as everyone's happy I don't see that it matters

Justforphoto · 05/10/2020 09:36

Yeah of course it’s different if they are adults when you meet etc. The OP is referring to children.

But it depends on so many different factors, for example a family member of mine who is a child only sees his extended step family a couple of times a year, he doesn't think of them as family but my friends child lives with her and his step dad and sees a lot of his step dads family so does view them as family, they are his grandparents to him. It's very very situation dependant

Original poster
StrawberryWhatsUp · 05/10/2020 09:38

I definitely see my stepchildren as my family.

But with my mum... Hmm. It's not necessarily that I think she doesn't see them as family. But definitely not family in the same sense, bond or relationship as her grandchild is to her.

I guess like others said it's all down to individual situations. She's never really had opportunity to form that grandparent bond with them, they were a little older when she met them, she didn't see them a huge amount, they don't think of her as their grandma etc... So obviously it's not the same for her as her actual grandchild who she has had that with.

OP posts:
otterbaby · 05/10/2020 09:39

I'm so surprised by this thread. Step-children shouldn't be treated as family because they aren't?!

My step-father came into my life when I was 4 and my brother was 5. My step-father's parents never treated us as anything other than family. I find it terribly sad that some children are treated as an extension, just because grandparents can't get over their own hang-ups about not being blood related.

Love51 · 05/10/2020 09:39

My daughter finds it funny she was her grandparents first grandchild even though she isn't the oldest (my brother met his now wife who had kids after she was born).
There is a massive difference between children who come into your life as small children and those who come into your life as teens or adults. Some of my parents' SGC were late teens when they first met and they only meet on big occasions (less than annually). Others were primary school aged and my parents have seen them more often, looked after them etc and my parents treat them the same for Xmas and birthdays. They see the non bio ones less, as sometimes they are at their dads when my parents meet their parents - because the family are meeting their own grandparents when not at dads.
My family never usually will to grandkids, a policy my parents are probably very happy about as it avoids awkward decisions.
My husband's half siblings inherited a lot off their uncle, the mum off all of them was pissed off, but my husband and his sister don't see why they would have got anything.

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 05/10/2020 09:40

Every situation is different but personally that’s not at all how I see it. Also the term “swoop on a single parent” is a bit Hmm. My DSDs DM would be the first one to tell you that me and my family are part of her daughters family, and my DH feels the same about her stepdad and his family. Maybe we are just lucky but we very much consider each other one blended family - DSDs family.

HollywoodHandshake · 05/10/2020 09:41

Maybe I’m over sensitive to this topic but you don’t see SC as “family?”

no.

They are somebody else's family. Put it another way, if the relationship breaks off, the grand parents will likely never see the step-grand children again....

Whilst I would never behave horribly with a child, why would I? I don't believe step grand-kids are family.

VinylDetective · 05/10/2020 09:41

@AnneLovesGilbert

My mum asked us if she should leave something in her will for my DSC and my brother’s DSC - he has none of his own and won’t - and my DH and my SIL both said no.
Why did she even ask? She obviously wanted to.
Khajit · 05/10/2020 09:43

Depends on the family set up and how well everyone gets on I think. In our family we have just been extremely lucky and there is no distinction and they are just thought of as grandparents (though called by their first names)

WorksTheDinerAllDay · 05/10/2020 09:45

I was the child in this situation. Honestly I don't get the fuss Mumsnet makes about this. My stepbrother got presents from his grandparents and we didn't. We got presents from our grandparents and he didn't. It was never an issue. We understood the family dynamic from an early age. There was no resentment and none of us have come out of it emotionally scarred Grin