to be bored stupid by gaming husband

[mallorytower]

All he wants to do is play PlayStation games all weekend. Friday night through to Monday. He will come and watch tv with me if I ask and if I book for us to go do something, like swimming, then he will go but it’s an effort to get him out of the house. He rarely suggests doing anything outside the house. Default is PlayStation on. Constantly. I spend my weekends seeing him sat on the chair, controller in hand. I want to know where other people stand on this? Am I being controlling by not wanting it on in our house all weekend. It’s just boring. It’s like somebody watching non stop Eastenders, all weekend, every weekend, month after month. I can’t work out what other people do? Is this just normal life? Do other people’s husbands just sit and game all the time?

"@RaspberryToupee, I am actually slagging off gaming. It's very often a sign of a maladjusted, juvenile personality with poor impulse control, who ultimately prefers shooting imaginary baddies to anything that's going on in the rest of his (usually his) life -- and is to the detriment of that life. And if you think it's anything like reading, then you really don't read. I can't speak for tv, as I don't really watch and we've spent the last year living somewhere without a TV, but I imagine the difference is that even for people who spend all their leisure time watching TV, it does not require the same level of concentration or deliver the same addictive high that makes chronic gamers so frankly tiresome to be around."

Maybe you should try "shooting imaginary baddies" (urgh) and let off some steam and chill out.

I game as does DH, he also loves watching sport. We watch cricket together but I can’t abide watching football. DH and I are very similar in time needed together and apart. We both make sure to spend some time together and watch some tv every day, chat etc but we are both people that need solitary time alone. I actually dumped my ex fiancée because he needed to be with me all the time and I found it suffocating.

We went for an hours walk yesterday then ate lunch in the garden. DH did some pottering while I gamed for a couple of hours. Ate dinner then watched tv for an hour together with DS who is an older teen He then went to watch football in another room with DS, DS had been out in the park plus playing football for about six hours. I gamed for 2 hours while they watched football.

DH and I didn’t game when dc were small. That’s when gamers or any time sink hobbies are unreasonable as not pulling their weight. Your DH probably does game excessively but I would ask what you do with your spare time apart from watch tv. My ex had to be with me all the time if we were together at either of our houses and I found it unbearable. By MN standards he was close to a perfect man as incredibly attentive, I hated it.

If I'm honest, there's nothing more I would like to just sit and game all weekend.

However, I don't do that because it's anti social to game when there are other people in the house... Unless they're also gaming.

I haven't read the thread as I can guess the type of dickhead replies and can't be arsed. I wonder how many sit on their phones in the same house as their partners.

Your problem is your bloke, not the hobby and it's time for a come to Jesus conversation about whether he would like to go live in his own house, where he could do his hobby to his heart's content.

I left my ex because of this. It literally took over his life.

He didn't turn up to meet me several times, left me on my own in a restaurant on my birthday dinner that he had booked because he was so engrossed in his game.

Best thing I did. I met my husband.

DP enjoys his Playstation but no where near to this extent. I like to have times when we're not just staring idly at a boxset anyway, so I'll often do something else (read, listen to a podcast, do a crossword, craft, go for a run, play my own Nintendo Switch) and sometimes he'll play his guitar or go for a bike ride, other times he'll play his game for a couple of hours. He always checks that I don't mind first though as obviously it dominates the only TV in the flat. Once in a blue moon if I'm having a very early night he'll stay up and play for a bit, but 9 times out of 10 he comes to bed with me. He's also usually the one that suggests we get out of the house for a bit daily; I'm the one who would happily remain on the couch for days if I wasn't prompted!

I don't think I could cope with someone who wanted/needed to be glued to a game all weekend every weekend. Although it does sound better than some that he will come out with you IF you organise it - I know of gamers who just can't be moved from their game at all. I think PPs are right OP and you need to talk to him to try and set some boundaries that suit you both.

My DH is a gamer (retro games/consoles, he is geeky as fuck ) He could probably sit and game and catalogue all his games and consoles in different categories 24/7. I read and could quite happily sit and read 24/7.

Ironically for all the gamers are Neanderthal fuckwits my DH is far more intelligent and knowledgeable about general stuff than I am. This is because he recognises he can't, or shouldn't, game 24/7. I also realise I can't read 24/7.

The issue is does your DP have the desire to sense to prioritise his DP over his gaming? On the face of it, it doesn't appear so. This is not good. If I were in your shoes, I would talk and set an ultimatum for him to show he can do this - if he can't, I would kick him to the kerb.

Of course one persons reasonable ultimatum to maintain a relationship may be another persons unreasonable wildly controlling attempt - in which case you're not compatible at a basic level. It doesn't really matter who is "right" and who is "wrong" - it's just that you are different people with different priorities and can't make it work.

I always bang on and on about two rules solving most relationships AIBUs - equal disposable income and equal disposable leisure time. It doesn't matter how people want to spend that leisure time - if you can't agree acceptable times it's not going to work anyway.

At the end of the day I have the desire to read 24/7 but my DH is important to me as well as reading. I want to prioritise a healthy relationship whilst still having time to read so we just agree what is an acceptable equal disposable leisure time in a healthy relationship and stick to it. This isn't set in stone, it changed as the DC got older for example, or if there was something going on (eg ill family member, I am stressed and DH recognises he needs to spend more time just being "there" with me)

It's the issue of equal disposable leisure time that needs addressing, not how you spend said time. IMO anyway.

[quote Sundries]@RaspberryToupee, I am actually slagging off gaming. It's very often a sign of a maladjusted, juvenile personality with poor impulse control, who ultimately prefers shooting imaginary baddies to anything that's going on in the rest of his (usually his) life -- and is to the detriment of that life. And if you think it's anything like reading, then you really don't read. I can't speak for tv, as I don't really watch and we've spent the last year living somewhere without a TV, but I imagine the difference is that even for people who spend all their leisure time watching TV, it does not require the same level of concentration or deliver the same addictive high that makes chronic gamers so frankly tiresome to be around.[/quote]

Get your head out your arse. I read. I occasionally play games too. Not so much with the TV, not because I’m culturally better than watching TV but just because most TV shows don’t really capture my attention. I’m more likely to not talk to my husband and completely shut off the outside world, neglect housework and stay up until 3am when I’ve got work the next morning reading a book than I am playing on the PlayStation.

Most people have a range of hobbies. Some will meet your lofty standards, some won’t. People usually need a mixture of different hobbies to be a well rounded individual, rather than sneering at anyone who doesn’t have reading as their sole hobby.

Never got to know a gamer. They suggest gaming, I say not for me, never get asked to "socialise" with them again. Blessed relief really as I couldn't stand to limit myself indoors like that. If he's not making any effort to do anything other than game he sounds like it's gone past hobby and into addiction territory.

You're dealing with a person with an addiction. I'd approach it from that angle.

I also wouldn't want to be in a relationship who judged me negatively for how I wanted to spend my time and what I enjoys. People have different hobbies and interests. It's what makes us all different and (hopefully) interesting to each other.

I have absolutely no desire to play some racing game on a SNES 92 (or whatever) and think it's boring as fuck But it doesn't make my DH boring as fuck. I like that he is passionate and committed to things, it makes him interesting to me. He is passionate and committed to me too.

I would hope he feels the same about me. This is why we want to spend time with each other as well as games and books.

Mynon-negotiable is that if it's during the day, it has to be a game he can pause and walk away from if needed as we have two small children (4 and 1).

4 and 1? When on earth does he get the time to game at all during the day with two kids this young?

I'm sure it's nothing new, unless he's only just started playing with it.
Something so unattractive about a man who sits twiddling his knob.
Men see their little controllers as extensions of their genitals, it's a bit weird.

I just wouldn't go out with a gamer, can't stand them. Its not even a useful hobby. It doesn't get you fit and it doesn't produce anything useful or beautiful. My exH had hobbies (not gaming) and I have my hobbies
I make dollhouses and we could get a bit obsessive about it but gaming is brain dead stuff.

Dh was a bit like this but then we had kids and you can't have zombie slashing games around a baby or child. We massively changed our screen habits and now the TV only comes on after kids are in bed and we tend to watch one show.

So gamers can change but they need a reason to that isn't just 'i don't want you doing it'

Not for me, I couldn't stand with someone sitting down doing nothing for hours, games or tv!

If your partner is not interested in spending any time with you, it's not attractive.

You can just organise your own weekends without him and get on with it, but then what's the point of being together at all?

"I just wouldn't go out with a gamer, can't stand them. Its not even a useful hobby. It doesn't get you fit and it doesn't produce anything useful or beautiful. My exH had hobbies (not gaming) and I have my hobbies
I make dollhouses and we could get a bit obsessive about it but gaming is brain dead stuff."

Please enlighten us braindead zombies on how dollhouses are "useful".

I used to be in a relationship with someone like this. It is shit.

Ha posts after mine kind of make me think even more that I am right

Funnily enough, one of my DC also loves gaming and makes money from it (still a teenager) My geeky gamer DH taught him all he knows I could argue DH has been a good positive role model, perhaps better than me as none of my DCs have written a book

They also share an interest (just like another of my DC shares my love of reading). They spend time together they enjoy talking to each other about it and going to events. How can people see that as a negative thing?

My DH is a gamer (different sort, PC based online, RPG type games). Some of them I have played a bit. It's his hobby, I don't think there is any innately wrong with it and it's certainly no worse than watching some of the rubbish on telly. I think the issue is how much time he spends doing this and how much you have to organise to have time together. My husband will spend time on his game most evenings, but it's after the baby is in bed and when I want to watch certain TV shows or have a bath.

It doesn't sound good.

For comparison, my DH also has a Playstation. But he plays on it maybe for 2-3 hours a week tops. His normal life is work, cycling, watching TV with me, going on a walk together, having friends round for dinner, watching his own TV show. He plays Playstation only when he is particularly drained and wants to switch off completely for an hour or two. He'll often go weeks or sometimes months without playing. If he has a new game he might play a lot more for a week or two, but then he stops. I think this is a normal expectation of gaming - it's just one thing you do in your spare time, not THE thing you do all the time unless your partner is 'making' you do something else. Has he always played this much or it's gradually got worse?

I would also hate it if my current boyfriend would rather be on the PlayStation than doing stuff that we both find interesting. Honestly, based on my experience with a gamer, never again.

It really depends if you feel it’s something you can live with or not.

I have a Switch, I usually play in bed (I normally go up before DH) or when he’s watching footy and I turn the volume down. I have two other consoles but rarely play as they are on the upstairs TVs and I know DH would prefer me to be downstairs with him and the dog. I may play on them if I have a spare half hour but can’t play for much longer as I have a shoulder injury and using the old-fashioned controllers (they are the mini SNES & MegaDrive) sets that off.

I don’t let it interfere with normal day to day life though. I’ve just had two weeks off work and am perfectly able to leave gaming while we do other things.

My husband and I both play. If I ask him to play a different game or do something else he obliges. I have his attention immediately whenever I ask for it.

I think the problem lies in your relationship and his lack of interest in it rather than the hobby he’s chosen.

My husband plays games but our weekends look nothing like the OP's. Games are not the problem, despite the usual MN prejudices. A selfish man is a selfish man, whether he's gaming, working his allotment, golfing or running ultra-marathons.

So like any other "leisure activity" it doesn't mean real life can be abandoned. People suggesting that people whose hobby is gaming means they're some sort of shitty layabout really gets my goat

Mine too. It's so lazy and ignorant.

The OP's problem isn't the gaming in itself. It's the fact that her partner has a hobby which he does all weekend instead of spending time with her and the family. If he went fishing all weekend, or orienteering, or long range cherry stoning, the result would be the same.

Sneery ideas about gaming on MN are nothing new though. It's for adolescents, something only teenage boys do, gamers have no social skills, it's only for laybouts or the unemployed, they need to grow up a bit, it's never something you can do in moderation.

Lots of people - I'd say probably most - enjoy an hour or two sometimes playing games rather than being completely obsessed to the point of doing nothing else. I'm quite partial to things like Fallout and Skyrim. It doesn't mean I'm an addict. It just means when DH is watching his boring as fuck "wheeler dealers" programmes I can bugger off and practise shooting some orcs with my bow and arrow.