to be bored stupid by gaming husband

[mallorytower]

All he wants to do is play PlayStation games all weekend. Friday night through to Monday. He will come and watch tv with me if I ask and if I book for us to go do something, like swimming, then he will go but it’s an effort to get him out of the house. He rarely suggests doing anything outside the house. Default is PlayStation on. Constantly. I spend my weekends seeing him sat on the chair, controller in hand. I want to know where other people stand on this? Am I being controlling by not wanting it on in our house all weekend. It’s just boring. It’s like somebody watching non stop Eastenders, all weekend, every weekend, month after month. I can’t work out what other people do? Is this just normal life? Do other people’s husbands just sit and game all the time?

He is an addict. You must give him an ultimatum and then, if he fails to change, you must unfortunately, leave.

You ask what others do. We do spend our weekends mostly together, yes.

I agree gaming is no different to TV, except in terms of hours spent on it and also many people watch TV together.

How many hours on e.g. Saturday would be be playing games? Also is this new or old behaviour?

My husband plays video games on the PlayStation. He just plays an hour or two at a time. We used to go out for day trips every weekend, watch tv together, go for walks etc and he’d just game a bit when we were relaxing at home. It’s different now we have a baby as we both have less time for things like that! Your DH’s behaviour sounds excessive. It must be really frustrating.

Also, just wanted to say I have no problem with gaming as a hobby. My DH also runs and enjoys cooking. There is this weird stereotype that gamers just sit in a dark room playing shooting games 24/7 and it just isn’t true.

There needs to be a balance and there is none there. It's not fair to you.
My DH likes to play FIFA but either does it later on in the evening ehen DS is in bed and I am watching TV or if I go to bed early.
He still participates in family life. Doing things in the house or garden, going for walks together, helping to sort meals out, watching films together, playing with DS etc.
Your situation sounds extreme OP

Hmm... I'm an avid gamer and would certainly look to fill gaps in my time with gaming, but even I would get bored of gaming as much as you say he is. Also I have young children so gaps in my time are a pretty rare occurance anyway.

You need to talk to him openly and say that you're unhappy and try and come to some sort of compromise between you about how to move forward. If you find after this that things just return to the way they were before then I think you have a problem.

@Vagaries

I’ve always made a point of avoiding gamers. If the most interesting thing you can find to do is to shoot imaginary opponents in Advanced Recon Fighter Fuckwit VI while sitting in an armchair, then you are just not my type of person. And no, it’s not the same as reading.

Yes agreed. There is something rather sad and desperate about a fully grown adult who is incapable of doing anything other than sit there passively, joystick in hand, immersed in a world of cartoon violence nonsense which renders him mute and unable to interact with other people.

YANBU OP.

I’d hate that. All that wasted time when other things need doing.

@Justtickingboxes

He is an addict. You must give him an ultimatum and then, if he fails to change, you must unfortunately, leave.

You got all that from this brief snapshot of their lives? Wow.

In that case I have friends who are addicted to all sort whose partners should leave them.

One is addicted to four hours baths with a book.

One to the gym, one to running, one to Netflix, one to gardening etc etc

Hmm ok this is tough. It does sound a bit boring and yes, why should you have to organise everything.

On the other hand, this is a good point.
He watches TV with you. He goes out with you. When he has nothing to do he puts on his playstation- seems reasonable

Don’t other people just mingle in their house together? I’m interested to know from other people who have non gaming husbands how their life looks at the weekends.

Thinking about it this way, I'm a little more on your DPs side. I get on well with my DP and neither of us game, but I don't really like mingling together in the house. If we are not doing something together or going out, we usually read, nap or watch TV separately. We spend all meals sitting together and chit chatting, so I feel like that's enough.

DP is a bit of a gamer, he loves his GTA and Gran Turismo, but he saves it for the evenings when I'm out at work and it doesn't impede on family life whatsoever.

How old is he? Do you have DC?

My DH and I have very separate interests and rarely do much together, but we have been together over 30 years and our DS is at Uni. When we first met we would do a lot more together and certainly when our DS was/is at home (ie; during lockdown) my DH spends lots of time engaging with our DS. He also does his fair share of housework, cooking, all the gardening etc. I do think separate interests are good and it is not my DH's job to provide my entertainment & if I want to watch a film on tv I don't want or need him sitting next to me.

But I agree that there is something that seems a little 'odd' about gaming but obviously many mumsnetters will disagree, my DH spends time playing golf or cycling which many find odd but, in my opinion, that is outside, in the fresh air, being with other people, involved in the committee etc.

Was he into gaming when you met? I've always known my DH is a sports player and that wasn't going to change when we got married - equally I didn't give up my hobbies when we got married and when we had our DS we made sure we both had time for our individual hobbies and interests.

The trouble with gaming, unlike watching tv is it's difficult to hold a conversation whilst doing it. And unless you're playing the game with them you can't talk about it. I did wonder if it's just equivalent to watching the tv, but I sit down and watch GBBO with my dh and we'll have a conversation about it whilst watching. I doubt that would happen with a gamer. Unless of course you're playing with him.

Does he do his fair share round the house?

Tbh I'd be bored daft if he sat and played unless I arranged anything. I'd like some interaction

He's not very into you OP.

Choosing imaginary friends over his partner.
I hope you are not facilitating this by cooking and cleaning for him.
In your position I would be making myself quite unavailable- carve out a new life for yourself, new friends, new activities.
Maybe you will realise you need him less than you think.

Plays for 3 hours on both days of the weekend - okay.
Plays from when he wake up til he sleeps - not okay.
Stays up til 11pm playing - okay.
Stays up til 3am playing / not okay x

Games tend to be a bit more anti-social than other hobbies - you can always pause a film or put down a book (though you might not want to), but if you're playing online with other players, you can't just stop without losing. Games also affect peoples moods a lot more than books and films - you can't really win or lose a book, or get stuck on one scene in a film that you can't get past.

I'm not against games, though - DP and I often we have a game we're playing together, and we'll play for an hour or so a few times a week. What you describe is totally different, and I'd find it boring in a partner too.

Has he always been like that? I'd find it unbearable! We are out for walks in forests and beaches both Saturday and Sunday with a few house jobs thrown in. Visit inlaws for breakfast one or both days and sometimes a pub lunch.
Do you have children OP?

Regardless of what his hobby is and how long he does it, it sounds like you feel as though he prioritises it over you and working on your relationship. Perhaps the issue is not so much that you want him to spend less time gaming but that you want him to spend more time with you and that isn’t an unreasonable request. I’m not sure if you’re familiar with love languages but perhaps quality time is one that’s really important to you whereas he shows his love in different ways like acts of service? That might be a different way to frame a discussion, because I’m guessing asking him to game less doesn’t go that well.

What would he do if you went away for the weekend together? Would you both have a good time? That might be a good marker as to how salvageable this is.

YANBU. Being married to a gamer must be awful, I really feel for you. You will get lots of defensive posters as there seem to be a lot that are in a similar position to you on MN, but they are in denial (unless obsessed by gaming themselves).

Being married is supposed to be a partnership. I don't want to make you feel any worse than you must already feel but I want to highlight to you what a marriage SHOULD be like. My DH is always busy, either in the garden or making improvements on the house, or cooking with me or walking and playing with the dogs, again, with me. He is always PRESENT. He has some of his own hobbies, but they don't impose on our time together, which is really important to us as we both have busy jobs. We have some joint hobbies as we like spending time together. In the evenings we watch movies together, sit down to dinner together or go out to dinner, go to the pub, share a bottle of wine and a decent conversation.

THIS is what you should expect from a marriage, not some cardboard cut out husband who I imagine can only manage a grunt at you as form of communication as he has to concentrate on his next move on COD or whatever it is that is more important than his wife

Obsessive gamers are very boring and very selfish, as someone upthread described, an overgrown child. Intolerable behaviour from a grown man.

ou want him to spend more time with you and that isn’t an unreasonable request.

Something I would never do.

Either a man is head over heels in love with me or I am off.
I would never ask a man to spend more time with me.
Either he does or he doesn't.
I expect to be valued in a relationship and my time considered important.
You can't ask someone to care.

I feel you, my husband was obsessed with his gaming pc! He would spend every bit of his free time on it and I felt so ignored and unwanted. I spoke to him about it many times and he promised he would change but it was an addiction so he always fell back into playing all the time. We had our first child 4 months ago and since she's been born he's played it about 5 times! Having her has changed his mindset and he would rather be with her. It makes me sad that I wasn't good enough but I am much happier now he doesn't play it much. I don't have any tips on how to stop the gaming as I tried so many things but I just wanted to say I know how you are feeling 😊

My husband isn’t a gamer and I’m so grateful for that.

We do a mix at weekends - watch tv together in the evenings, do household jobs, go for a walk or a nice drive, read, visit family, work in the garden, do crosswords, do puzzles, play a board game, cook. Pre-Covid we would go to the cinema, visit galleries or museums, go out for coffee or lunch, etc.

He’s great company and we’re chatting all the time. I would really struggle with someone who was always playing games because its so antisocial. As an activity now and then it’s totally fine, but so few people seem to be able to properly regulate their use, and it ends up taking over and being the thing they do 24/7.

My husband likes to play video games.

But he realises he's a grown up and also has to be a normal person.

So yesterday he did probably play 2-3 hours.

But only once he'd got up and dressed, exercised, helped DC finish homework, hung out laundry for me that I'd asked him to do while I was finishing another job, and we went out for lunch. He also stopped so he could read in the evening and so we could chat/watch the in bed.

So like any other "leisure activity" it doesn't mean real life can be abandoned.

People suggesting that people whose hobby is gaming means they're some sort of shitty layabout really gets my goat.

I will complain at my OH if he plays on the playstation or watches loads of sports so much so now he will tell me what his plans are and ask if it’s ok.

As I said to him there’s no point being together if we don’t spend any time together. Flip side he did say well if there isn’t anything better to do why shouldn’t he? So you need to suggest a walk, lunch out, board games etc set your expectations such as let’s go for a walk then come home and watch a movie together with a hot chocolate. Men aren’t mind readers and they are awful at hints so just tell him what you want.

My partner is a PC gamer plus retro consoles. However it’s minimal time: think an hour or so after work. Maybe a little at weekends or when I’m working. It’s a his thing to do to help relax after work. Just like I chose to exercise for the same reasons. I’ve no issues with and it doesn’t affect our lifestyle we do lots of other things.

All those... ‘I wouldn’t date a gamer blah blah.’ But let’s face it lots of men do this or similar with their ‘hobbies’ it’s not just gaming. Plenty of posts on here revolve around selfish men opting out of family life to do their hobbies. It’s not the activity that’s the problem it’s the man!

Any interest is fine if both people in a couple work together and are happy.

You could substitute football, motor racing, reading, running, knitting or sewing in the gaming slot. If someone is obsessive about 'their' interest and the partner is excluded either the partner finds their own interest or shares an interest then there is an imbalance -- resentment and relationship cracks--it's all about the interactions between 2 people.

Tell him how you feel - could he change, could you find your own interest, do you want to keep feeling this way if he doesn't change and spend years moaning (lots of people spend a lifetime moaning about x, y or z but do nothing about it) - or just call time on your time together.